All Your Little Kids Go 'round Like You Hear their Stomachs Growlin'

Ryan's Generation Next Lifestyle Solution Services -

"Your Generation NeXt so Expect the #BesXt!"

TV Commercial voice speaking......

"You are the next generation, the generation that grew up Post 9/11 and who is coming of age in the "Great Recession."  You have a lot of challenges but one challenge you don't need to fret about is life.  This is what makes Ryan the best solution for YOU!"
#AllAboutYou

No Time for Breakfast?
*  You have a busy day of school, after school prom meetings, dance class, and maybe even some homework.  You need fuel for the day and a quick Pop Tart won't do it.  Here at Ryan's solutions we will provide daily breakfast services such as warm creamy whole grain Oatmeal textured with Maple Syrup and Vanilla, peeled Fuji Apples (because God forbid you have to tolerate simple Red Delicious), and Shannon's special libation - blended Berry Smoothie.  Some days of the week you will even enjoy fresh cracked scrambled eggs, Turkey Bacon, and toast with local berried jams and preservatives.  And per Shannon's audits all will be Organic, cage and hormone free, cleaned and washed, and prepared observing all state and local sanitation guidelines.

We'll do the heavy lifting!  :)

Oops, forgot lunch and homework?
*  We understand you are now in puberty, you will forget a lot of "stuff!"  That is why we have partnered with Grammy's Errand Services to provide quick and easy delivery of forgotten homework and lunches on a moments notice.  Grammy's Errands will even drop off clothes for those embarrassing moments when "stuff" happens to you!  No matter what the emergency Grammy's Errands is here for YOU!

*  Oh and btw, what's in that lunch from home?  Well that would be a Nutella Sandwich on whole wheat, Soft Yellow Banana, Yogurt, and a fresh baked muffin; all freshly packed in that Swaggy new age cold storage system Shannon picked up from last month's conference in LA.

Trouble Getting to School, Dance, or Tennis Lessons?
*  Uber has nothing on us!  At Ryan's Lifestyle Solutions we are proud to offer our fine fleet of Kia Sedona's for all your transportational needs and with a full assortment of XM radio stations but locked into Disney Channel for your enjoyment.  Our fleet of Sedona's offers flexible seating for up to 7 in case you want to drag a friend along.  We have more than ample storage for all your needs.  Don't want to drag that Cotton Candy Frappacino in from Starbucks?  Of course not, just shove it into our convenient chair back pouches along with last week's McDonald's Kids Meal prize and half a serving of fries.  Spilled your drink!  No worries.  Ryan's Lifestyle Solutions Research Subsidiary is exploring new adhesive polymer technologies.  We are close to finding the stickiest solution on Earth by combining Chick-fil-A lemonade spillage, melted Milky Way bars, Gummy Bears, and Milk Duds.  You can help us break down the barriers to adhesive technology!

Need Clean Laundry?
*  Shannon has trained Ryan to be the best laundry service in town, we even include fabric softener in all of our loads and Shannon loves to iron.  We will provide weekly changes of bed linen and will provide wool sheets in winter.  We only ask that you make up your bed sometimes.  Well, if you complain enough and Ryan has to get to work early you may get away with that as well; but let's try to work on that.  A turn down service at day's end with Sleepy Time tea is available when desired!

Need Cash Fast?
*  Ryan's Banking sector loves to provide that needed cash flow.  Need a no money down, no-interest loan with flexible payment options for that eye-brow tweese at Ulta?  Look to us, we've forgotten about more loans than we have probably spent on ourselves ten times over.

*  Need help with that really big expense like that ritzy equestrian camp!?  Ryan's Lifestyle Solutions has also partnered with famed Venture Capitalist - Grandpa Beaumont.  Back in the day Grandpa Beaumont barely had enough money to provide bread and water for little Ryan and Ryan was expected to earn enough money if he wanted to buy a polo shirt.  But now, thanks to social security, double dipping into two retirement plans, and a ritzy side consulting job Grampa Beaumont's Venture Capital Services has all the cash flow Generation Next needs to evolve towards Social Actualization!

Need Relationship Advice?
*  Yes, that certain boy didn't ask you out and ick that other certain boy did.  Sara didn't talk to you today but texted everyone else and shared a photo on Instagram with Teagan even though Teagan was so hateful to you yesterday because you didn't include her on Snap Chat even though you just forgot and she isn't remembering the time that you included her as a "best bff" on Pinterest and OMG little sis was hogging the ipad last night so you weren't able to Face Time Dylan so he ended up Snap Chatting with Alexia and now they are going out to the dance next Friday....... YESH!

Ooops...., better talk to Shannon, she operates the IT/Psychoanalysis branch of Beaumont Services.  Ryan still struggles with Facebook and becomes Aspergers'esque when it comes to talking BOYS!

But I'll make it all up for you honey by grilling my famous Peri Peri Chicken, popping popcorn, and fixing some awesome pancakes tomorrow morning for your sleepover pals!

It's all in a days work for Ryan....

But anyhoo.....

Happy April Fools Day!  :)

#RyansFavHoliday

Bring the Action

Or Are Women Smarter?

Are women smarter, a very good question.  Yes or no I certainly know they think about stuff way more than guys.  And of all things they think about they seem to think about guys more than anything.  I guess it may be for that reason that I often find myself primarily writing for women on this blog.  I guess early on one of the things I wanted this blog to be was a portal into the mind of the typical male, a peeling back of the skull and a peak into the muck and simple shallowness of the average male.  Call it pandering but I thought it might be my public service to the world.

Because I so shamelessly pander to women I am of course going to say women are smarter!  Facts bear this out though, women outnumber men in college; women now outnumber men in Doctoral degrees granted.  While women still fall behind in corporate boardrooms and politics they will surely catch up and surpass men in the coming decades as "Millineal" women continue to outpace their male generational counterparts.  In fact they are the only one's getting anything done in Washington.  Harry Reid, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz - a bunch of self serving, egotistical, curmudgeonly jerks.  Need to get something done?  Put Patty Murray, Kirsten Gillibrand, Lisa Murkowski, or Susan Collins on it; blue or red, they'll cut through the bull *hit.  Probably because they actually think about stuff.

But I do have to say to women, with all this intellect why do you spend so much time fooling around with us guys.  You could be getting us to do so much more with a lot less effort!

As a guy I have to admit I'm almost constantly thinking about women.  It's not that I can't get my job done or pay the bills, it's just that whenever I get a free moment my eyes wander and think about the possibilities at hand.  Now as Chris Rock once said "men are as faithful as their options."  In my case options are usually just not there.  Maybe not because I couldn't but rather that I shouldn't for some professional or community related reason.  I guess looking at it from that standpoint options are not conveniently "there."

That being said a guy always has his dreams!

With hair like that it's good she digs him

I like confident and gorgeous women because they make us do things that we might not otherwise be willing to do.  Take Tom Brady for instance.  He is one of the best football players in the NFL.  He can do anything, be anything that he wants. And, of course, probably have any woman he wants.  My guess is that wearing shaggy hair and silly dancing at the World Cup is not a natural choice for him.  But then again he gets to have sex with Giselle Bundchen and apparently she likes that.  If a guy has to grow out his hair a bit and dance like a fool in order to have sex with a Giselle Bundchen most guys are going to say so be it!  However it leads me to a philosophical question, what came first the sex or the dorky hair.  Sure a girl like Giselle is turned on by your willingness to have dorky hair for her but if you have dorky hair do you get to screw her in the first place.  See the parables my pursuits of women drive me too!

Which gets me to this age old debate over Dom and Sub.  My opinion is that we (guys) are really just glorified "subs."  We might be on top or behind or yelling out orders but aren't we really just doing what the lady is letting us do?  See - subs, just like Tom up there!

Anyway, I'm all over the place today already.  What was I originally talking about?  Oh yeah, are women smarter?  Well, yes they are but too often they overthink it all!

So I have three parables today about women and men all of which illustrate the paradox of relationships, who is smarter, and who is in control therein between the two sexes.

1.  Model Can't Find a Date - Apparently British lingerie model Lucy Harrold can't find a date.  In fact she can barely get men to talk to her.  As a result she has partnered with an entrepreneur to set up a website for beautiful women in her hometown of Birmingham, England.  As a woman she is obviously burdened by this conundrum.

Now is that really necessary?  Is she over-thinking it all?

Whether she is looking for a jock or a brainy geek, what it takes to get a man can be answered in three simple questions on a profile.

I'm seeing it go something like this:

*     I am willing to have sex after a reasonable amount of effort (not to exceed three dates or two weeks, whichever comes first)?     YES

*     I won't ask any relationship questions within the first three weeks and never within 2 hours of sex?     YES

*     I am willing to allow for at least 10+ hours of "preferred guy-activity" (including golf, watching the NFL, computer games, Astrophysics, comic-con, etc)?    YES
       ^  note - I've listed a willingness to embrace jock or geek-like activities.

*     Bonus Question - I'm willing to talk to you?    YES

Answer yes to these questions, or let's be real probably just answer yes to the bonus question and you can have the first guy you run into on any street anywhere in the world, or certainly in my humble town!

So the parable here is:  we're guys, use the KISS method (simple and stupid).  And once you have us we're like puppies; feed us, pet us, talk cute to us and we'll trot around you as much as you like.  Sure, we might pee on the floor on occasion but hopefully you get the point!  :)


2.  Lucy Could Only be Female - Have you seen that new movie about the woman who mistakenly takes a bunch of drugs and gets real smart?  The tagline for the movie is "most people only use 10% of their brain, today she will hit 100%."  Now think about that for a moment.  Done?  I'm still thinking, I only have 10% brain capacity for Christ sakes you know!  OK, now I'm done.  So with 100% brain capacity Lucy states "I feel everything.  Space, the air, the vibrations, the people, I can feel gravity, I can feel the rotation of the Earth, the heat leaving my body, the blood in my veins.  I can feel my brain...."  She goes on to say "I can start to control other people's bodies..."  Wait stop the press.  Yes, given that, Lucy could only be female.  As a female Lucy (ScarJo) explores the space-time continuum, helps law enforcement issues, aides in cellular research that illuminates the evolution and connectedness of the universe.

Giselle + Meatkini = Happy

So now let's think about Lucy as a guy.  Well this would be kind of like that Jerry Maguire scene where the girl says "you had me at hello."  Except here, as a guy, you would have me at "control other people's (women's) bodies."  Yes if Ryan (as with most guys I presume) had 100% brain capacity it is possible he might consider his ability to affect the space time continuum for a few seconds until he figured out a way to get unlimited free BBQ and Ben's Chili Bowl Chili in a skybox at a Nats game while getting a blowjob from Giselle.  Oh and of course she would be wearing a meat bikini.  See that's the difference between men and women.  Give us a super-power and we'll use it for our own ends!  And our own ends are usually for no good for us or anyone else.

Yeah if I could control the elements!

With the ability to control the elements women will feed hungry children, men will look through the walls of the women's locker room.  Oh men may figure out a way to shoot a low-60's round of golf but really that would be just a way to attract and hook up with one of those hot women golfers.  Bring peace to the Middle East?  A woman would use those super-powers to achieve that end.  A dude might do it too if it got him a shot at one of those hot Bollywood actresses!  I'm not sure if solving the Palestinian crisis would resonate with a hot Bollywood actress considering they are in India but a guy wouldn't make that connection anyway.  A woman might use her powers to bring water to the thirsty parched areas of the Earth, a dude would figure out a way to use water to wash away a super-models dress.

Now that I think about it, if a guy had 100% brain power he'd do something like invent an Ap that allows you to see through women's cloths.  Oh, that's ridiculous you say!  You think?  Well just read this!

Yes never underestimate our endless desire to figure out ways to get past that dress.

But you get my point, 100% brain power is wasted on a dude!


3.  Slave Ryan at Cross Fit - I don't know if there is much of a lesson here.  But on occasion I allow myself to get talked into joining those ridiculously hard cross-fit classes.  Now I do this why?  Because I'm concerned with my cardiovascular health? I want to get buff?  It's a great way to pass the time?

Hell no!  It's because the cute fitness instructor asks me.  Simple.  Well she smiles too and says she missed me last week.  Enough said, I'm now putty in her hand to be shaped as she wishes.

Of course 5 minutes in I am thinking, why on Earth am I doing this?  And then I look up amid desperate gasps of breath and realize why.  Miss Fitness is doing all this stuff with us and I am absolutely in awe that a human can do burpees, Hindu push-ups, and crunches while maintaining a perky personality and looking gorgeous.  Yes, I am Miss Fitness' slave and I'm OK with that, I'll do anything she asks of me because.... well,...... she's hot, she smiled at me, and said she wanted to spend an hour with me.  Now, of course she is also spending an hour with 10 other desperately sweaty gasping folks but in my mind I am special.

I'd like to figure out some more funny things to say about this but it's late and I'm tired.  I think the point here is ladies just smile, be cute, be flirty, and you can get us to do just about anything; even 20 burpees followed by 20 Hindu push ups, followed by 100 crunches.  Jesus if you can do that with a smile you certainly don't need a social media site or Super Powers!   :)


Well enough for today, hopefully these parables bring some clarity to the male-female dynamic.

For now I'll just leave you with the one of those hot mommies I just can't help but love, bring it Brittany!  Of course this song sucks and of course I hate "club music" but I also know women love to dance and listen to dance music so as long as you insist on being that hot I'll listen and dance along because after all I'm just a guy!  :)

Too Much Time on My Hands

So this event happened to me about two months ago but as I think about the oncoming "Black Friday" shop-o-gasm next week I pause to speak a little about places no man should go no matter how adventurous.  You see I consider myself well traveled visiting New York, Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco, LA, even out of the way places such as Opelika, Alabama and Olatha, Kansas.  As with many professional men I have a certain air of confidence that I control my destiny and whichever environment I traverse.

However, as I recently found out one should think about their adventures before they undertake them well considering their preparedness as well as the necessity of said adventure.  One never wants to charge up the Himalayas without a good coat or travel down the Amazon without bug spray.

And so it was one Thursday afternoon as my car was in the shop that I found myself in a foreign land.  A land so bleak and yet simultaneously so dense it dwarfed the vastness of the Mojave Desert and the blinding infinity of wildness of the Rainforest.

What horrific land is this that I describe?  It is in fact a foreign land that no professional male should ever see or seek.  It was in fact the mall at 2 pm on a rainy Thursday.  For as I found that bleak day a suburban mall is no place for professional man.  In fact my very presence disturbed that delicate balance of the eco-system.  Of course I roamed the isles of the JC Penny's in total innocence simply seeking a pair of sports briefs for the gym.  But I may as well have been a ferocious Lion stalking through the Savannah as females craned their necks in shock to get a glimpse of this rare creature as if they were Meerkats trying to figure out why a strange beast had invaded their manor and should they be leery!

The funny thing is that I was as scared as the inhabitants of this place.  I thought to myself, men's apparel is to the right but what if I take a wrong turn at cosmetics and and get caught in women's lingerie?  Will they think I am just some dirty old man out for a cheap whack-off on his coffee break?  Oh my?

Fortunately Madison, a brave and confident young 20-something female associate, eagerly encountered me; obviously perceiving my weakened state.  She offered "can I help you find something sir (with a cute smile)?"

OMG, I think..., those tits are so young and perky I can see them now bouncing up and down upon my face as she maneuvers over me.  Yes this is surely a lead into a proposition.  However, my reply is a mild "where is your sportswear."  She smiles and says "let me show you."

Ah see, what is actually lovely about being a male in a store is that the hunter becomes the hunted and cute young females know a professional man is an easy target for an up-sale!

A few minutes later I return to the counter patiently waiting behind some old guy who has not grasped the concept of on-line checking and has actually driven to the JC Penny's to pay for his JC Penny's card in person with one of those old school paper checks.  I could have walked a few feet to Grandma (in her retirement job) who was only folding shirts at the cash register counter.  But no, I wanted another one of those 20-something smiles from my friendly female tour guide.  Just before my turn in line I see a tie just in the style I've been looking for, I grab it; it's needed and who want to just walk up to the register with two packs of undergarments.  Ms. 20-something sales associates smiles and says "I love this tie, it's going to look great on you; you know we have a sale.... buy 2 get the 3 one free."  Like a zombie I immediately go to the counter tie rack and pick out two more as if she had suggested I go to the back for a blow job.  See this is why female salewomen love men!  I even hold one tie up to see if she approves, and she coos with approval - sale closed.  She rings me up and I throw in 3 impulse purchase Godiva chocolate bars for good measure.  She laughs and says, "hungry are you?"  I let slip and say they are for my daughters.  She replies "awwwww, that's sweet."  Probably not the best line for a blow job but the look in her eye was enough for me to think I could have scored if I wanted to or were 20 years younger.  Anyway, necessary purchases made and ego stroked so all things considered a successful trip.

I then decide to take a scary adventure to the mall food court.  Along the way I see all forms of Geriatric walking gangs, goth slackers, and super stroller-buddy mommies (some I think pre-ordained to be future AM customers).  All things you don't realize exist when you work for a living.  But wait (head twists quickly) behold in yonder window draped in silky pink stringy thingys.....

I need a thong for my AM girl; bra for the wife!

Somewhere along the path I walk past the ultimate male danger zone that is Victoria's Secret.  This of course is a false Heaven.  The place looks so inviting, the exact place where a man would wish to be but what key doth unlock this Heaven.  Can a man simply go inside and peruse the scantily clad models pictured on the wall and imagine the thong up the crack of that manikin is affixed to the beautiful round ass of that hot sales-girl behind the counter?  I bet not.  What story will yield validity to a Victoria's Secret expedition?  Panties for my daughter? SPOOKY!!!  Bra for my mother?  CREEPY!!!  Teddy for my wife?  BONG! That ain't going to get you into Chelsie's (the hot sales girl with the beautiful round ass) "Juicy" thong!  No this is a paradox; a black hole of temptation where paradise is never quite found!  Best move on and turn away from the false light.

Now ladies this is not an article of misogyny.  Yes there were men present, several.  Some were even in their 20's but they were of a different species of male.

Let's take a look at some of these Suburban Mall male specimen:

*  Fleece-wrapped Septuagenarian Slow Walker - This might be Ryan in 40 years (not).  This male shuffles along slowly behind  his female mate thinking about his next opportunity to pee and what's for dinner (and maybe the weather).  He is dressed in blue slip on velour looking shoes, relaxed fit sweat pants, and either a flannel shirt or pull over sweater that says "PaPaw," "Dollywood," or "Gatlinburg, TN."

*  Pale Skinned Ringed Goth Slacker - This person, when not in his room at mom's house playing War Craft or Grand Theft Auto, is lurking around the Game Spot looking for new versions of War Craft and Grand Theft Auto.  They only have a limited connection to reality as most of their time is spent running from the Po Po in Los Santos (their alternate real world).  They have pale skin and wooly hair or is that just the stocking cap that has been worn so long it has molded to their brain.  They tend to wear black and maintain an intricate heavy industrial chaining mechanism between their belt buckle and pocket.  If they have any equity it would be in Doc Martin's stock or simply the mulititude of Doc Martin shoes they own.

*  Skinny Jeaned Sideburned Electronic Hipster - This is the closest species to Ryan.  He actually dresses well, quite well actually with skinny jeans, a skinny Banana Republic Euro looking sweater, sleak slip-on Italian looking shoes, and he may actually have on a tie.  He is probably wearing glasses and has that brush up hair-do.  All Skinny Jeaned Electronic Hipsters work at the mall cell phone kiosk - they have formed a trade union.  If you need to sink, link, or upload anything or get an app for anything they know how to do it.

*  Faux LeBron Honky NBA Wanna Be - At the risk of being non-PC this is the white guy with a goatee, scraggly side burns, a LA Laker hat on side-ways with a LeBron James jersey on top of a Celtics long-sleeved tee shirt.  The LeBron Jersey hangs down over his Pabst Blue Ribbon signature gut and down to his knees almost covering his jeans that are a 52" waist about his 48" body.  The jeans cover the approximate area between half his ass (showing off his LA Clippers boxers) and somewhere between his knees and his ankles.  He has multiple tattoos about his neck, arms, and ankles including all Chinese zodiac animals and some fung shei sign thing that must signify the balance between wearing someone else's jersey and the extreme personal slackerdom.  He has on high top sneakers of course.  You wonder how he can afford all that apparel or why he is even wearing it as his 5'4" stature means he has never actually played basketball before.  Makes me remember how rad I looked back in the day with ankle sox in black high tops and bike shorts hanging out under my gym shorts!  Aw Ryan what a memory!

*  The Hills Have Eyes/Duck Dynasty Family - enough said

Note:  Hey did you know that Hall of Fame Pittsburg Steeler's QB Terry Bradshaw was actually the back-up to that Duck Dynasty guy at Louisiana Tech!  Yep, there is no end to the stupid facts Ryan knows!  :)

OH well, all in all not a bad day.  I did get my sports briefs, 3 cool new ties, had a moderately satisfying mall food court lunch, discovered new territory, met fascinating people I did not know existed, delighted my daughters with chocolate, and for once the car was under warranty so I didn't have to take out a 2nd mortgage for a tire rotation and balance!

But I ain't going back to the mall anytime soon.  Surely some female out there is willing to bear that cross for me and dress me how she feels fit in the appropriate Banana Republic attire.  When dressed properly I do make a great accessory for a lady!

She'll Give Every Penny's Worth but it Will Cost You a Doller First

Or is it the Other Way?

One of my favorite things to do on this blog is give my commentary and analysis regarding big world-wide stories.  However, I've been quite busy of late so I've not commented on such events in several months but it is not because I've not been watching.  And watch I did yesterday as a truly riveting story, encapsulating all that interests me including sports, geo-politics, and well something else I'll mention later that's even more important to me, flashed across Yahoo News!

That story is one just out of Brazil and really has my attention right now.  For years Brazil was mostly know for sugar production, movies about getting lost in the Amazon and eaten by pointy toothed fish, and thongs (which is not a bad thing)!  But Brazil is now an up and coming nation currently preparing for the 2014 World Cup (of soccer for us dumb Yankees) and the 2016 Olympics.  Brazil is one of the fastest emerging markets rich in mineral resources, water, and green fuels.  It is truly primed to become a world leader!

But to be a world leader you must have integrity and you must be able to build upon your strengths and basic core foundations of your culture.  The public must be able to trust the decision making integrity of your event judging professionals. And for that I am shocked and concerned over what I am hearing about the 2013 Brazilian Ms. Bum Bum Pagent!  Yeah that other thing that is important to me I mentioned in the 1st paragraph other than sports and politics?  That's right, butts!



the winning cheeks!

Ms. Dai Macedo, a 25 year old model with a 42 inch bum bum, is this year's winner of the Brazilian Ms Bum Bum competition.  Ms. Macedo said of the award "It's a lot of work and devotion...I deigned myself a lot of things.  No nightclubs.  No sweets.  I went to the gym Saturdays and Sunday."  And I'd say considering the results of her devotion, it paid off in a BIG (and soft round) way!

But there is controversy!  Apparently social media in Brazil is buzzing over allegations of impropriety in the form of pay-outs to judges for good scores.  It has been alleged that the various contestants may have paid upwards of $35,000 to gain the favor of the Ms. Bum Bum judges.

You know what hold the presses for just a second, before I say anything further how does a guy get a job where chicks are willing to pay him $35,000 to look favorably at their butts!  That's sick!  Heck, I go to the gym every day and look at women's butts for free!  I don't consider it a favor on my part, just instinct!

Dang, 2nd place counts in asses!

Apparently in Brazil Ms. Bum Bum is a serious thing with the winner gaining instant celebrity and valuable endorsements.  One dejected losing contestant alleged this "it is sad because the result isn't deserved and her bottom isn't the most beautiful, which in a serious competition would be more right!"

Anyway my concern here is that the world is counting on Brazil to lead our planet in bio-fuels, saving the rainforest for it's vast wealth of flora and fauna, and be a successful host to two the biggest sporting events in the world.  If Brazil can't get a butt judging contest right, and OMG that surely is supposed to be their specialty, then what CAN they get right!  I mean what's it gonna' be like when they try to pull off Modern Pentathlon.  Then again, maybe if we pay the right Brazilian dude off we could turn Greco-Roman wrestling into a co-ed beach sport in thongs!  Now I really would pay to see that especially if Ms. Bum Bum was contesting that event!  And oh brotha' do I want to see that Brazilian beach volleyball team on the hot sands of Rio!

But to my dear 2nd place contestant(s) I have to say don't judge a butt by it's (almost) covered thong; beauty comes from inside.  Just as that cure for cancer may come from one petal on a flower hidden in the darkest parts of the Amazon so is the beauty of all those Bum Bum contestants hidden in their desire to show the world how big and excellent an ass can be.  So take pride in the ascent toward excellence for it's the thrill of competition that makes us greater and takes us higher and let's be frank molds and shapes that ass into something truly worth holding onto regardless of our rank.   But mostly I'd like to say this: "darlin' could you turn to the right just a smidge and bend over a little I really want to get a good look at those dimples!" :)

But speaking of right, this is RIGHT ON!

Ah Be Careful What You Say or You'll Give Yourself Away

April 1st, 2013 a day that will live in Celebration!

*  that doofus is finally out of here!  :)

It is with great sadness that today I announce that this will be my final and farewell post.  I must leave the blogging world and move onto my next endeavor and adventure.

 

Yes last week Speaker of the House John Boehner and apparent leader of the Republican cause (because nobody else wants the job) asked me to spearhead a vital project leading the Grand Old Party back into the future and hopefully get a few votes in places other than Cornfield County.  As such I will not have time for activities such as blogging.

 

As Boehner said to me "Beaumont you're just like me, you don't give a damn about anything but wine and golf and you have a nice tan but you have done what no Republican has been able to do and that is find a way to get a women to let you *uck her over without any semblance of a rationale thought!  I like that in you, you can help us son!"

 

So I am announcing that I have become a Republican operative and will scour the country chasing women.   Hopefully I will mostly target hot Latina MIFLs'; that's an important demographic for us right now.  We have to get it right on immigration reform!  That might get some women we want screw over into this country!  Although really I'll take California Beach chicks, Jersey Girls, Southern Belles, Midwest Farmers Daughters,......  Wait, I'm loosing my focus and paraphrasing Beach Boys lyrics now.

 

You see apparently the Republican party is comprised almost entirely of angry white middle aged men who've eaten too much Chick-fil-A; except for three African Americans (a pizza CEO, a former congressman from Florida, and a Supreme Court judge) and two Hispanic dudes from the Senate (from Florida and Texas).  Now I'm not angry but I am white and middle aged.  We need to find a way to connect with more minorities and women but lord knows we don't want our golf game to suffer!

 

That's where I come in.  You see as Speaker Boehner mentioned very few middle aged white men have been able to screw as many women with so limited talent as I; a fact I'm very proud of!

 

Starting tomorrow I will be touring the country looking for ways to *uck women without having to actually do anything or listen to them or try to understand them in any way.  If I can succeed I can find a way to bring the Republican party back without having to compromise our rock-solid convictions!  Meaning, that is, keep the government out of my bank-account and my life so that I have the freedom and time to get in 18 holes before 4 pm and into the hole of that hot young temp over there!  :)

 

So if you are a MILF out there and you are looking to be *ucked over by a smiling tanned middle-aged white guy whose willing to pretend he is listening just to get into your pants (I mean get your vote) I'll be in town soon!   :)

  

April Fools!

OK, so in the immortal words of a famous basketball coach "I ain't dead yet!"

 

 

Hey wow, when I thought of this post I wanted to borrow a lyric from that song "Secret Agent Man," I thought it would be cute.  When I found the song on YouTube I remembered it was performed by Johnny Rivers.  However, I had forgotten how many other great things he had been a part of including:  Summer Rain, Baby I Need Your Lovin', Memphis, Midnight Special, as well as many other great covers.  I also found out he performed in a band in high school with Dick Holler in his hometown of Baton Rough, LA.  Dick Holler wrote Snoopy and the Red Barron (made popular by the Guardsman) and Abraham, Martin, and John (made popular by Dion).

So actually I will sort of use this post as an announcement of sorts.  In case you didn't notice I wrote less than 10 posts last month, a first in the 2.5 years I've been blogging.  I am going to scale back and with all of my best hubris I'm going to be like Johnny Carson and announce my retirement 1 year hence.  How is that for ego!  Well maybe.

So my goal is this.  With 8 posts this month, 7 next month, and then 6 per month after that I can get to my 400th post by April 1, 2014.  At that point I'll have been blogging for 3.5 years, more than long enough for a shallow guy like me.  I should also be past 200,000 hits long before that date and I have over 100 followers which is way more successful than I ever imagined I could be on this platform.

Beyond that who knows.  I may just graduate to WordPress or a novel or just fade from view but regardless this has been fun!  :)

Crazy But that's How it Goes

Before I do anything else I want to put in a plug for Prowling with Kat's November Sex Blog Chain.  This month's theme is particularly interesting Sex and Politics which as my favorite philosopher Forest Gump would say "go together like peas and carrots!"  Jump on the Kat bandwagon and join in on the fun or rather, considering the political season we're in, ride her coattails!  Trust me your polling numbers will go up several percentage points with Kat on your ticket!

So for today, since nothing has been going on around here this week on the East Coast, I'm a bit bored!  :)

And since this Washington DC insider loves to bring you vital news of the world I will go over to that left coast for today's post and commentary!  Which just goes to show you not everything in the world happens between DC and NYC (although really most does).  I'm such a Washington elitist.  I always love it when those Fox hosts bitch and moan about Washington Liberal elites.  I just smile and say "yep, elite - that's me!"   :)

Anyway, under the category of, "OMG, who saw that coming," apparently Octomom is in drug rehab for an addiction to Xanax.  Her "rep" said "Nadya wanted to get off Xanax.... and learn to deal with her stress, exhaustion, and anxiety with professional help."  DUH, you have 14 friggin' kids!  Of course you are going to need Xanax.  With that many kids it should be on your food pyramid right there above veggies and grains!  Kids are like Organic Crack on Steroids when you just have two.  Believe me I have two, they are a load.  They're pushy, needy, and relentless.  They are like a perpetual case of ADD!  Needing Xanax when you have 14 kids is like saying you need a dose of oxygen to get out of bed in the morning.  In fact if I was prescribing medication to someone in need of stimulus I'd say have two kids and call me in the morning.  The effect of kids on the adult psyche is like consuming a 44oz can of Red Bull and a dozen Crispy Creme donuts!

 

Bump that dosage up to a Quart of Red Bull, the donuts, a side order of pop rocks, and listen to 24 hours of Nine Inch Nails and I think you might get close to the effect of 14 kids.  Regardless, that ain't some place I want to go!



So Octomom, don't worry; Xanax was made for you.  Then again, a side affect of Xanax is apparently disinhibition which of course is what probably led to all those kids in the first place!

As for me, if I had 14 kids I'd need a daily theraputic whack to the head from Pablo Sandoval's bat, maybe that is what Octomom needs!

 

Shame on me though, I should take it from Ozzy and "learn how to love..."    :)

 

BTW, I love that quote "I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools, I've watched all the drop-outs who make their own rules."  And if you are listening to me I'll give you a hint who I am because I sure ain't no preacher.   :)

 

 

 

I See Your Face Every Time I Dream

Not sure if Shannon is inside or out?

First of all I am alive and well.  Hopefully everyone else out in DC land is OK.  Of course I'm writing to you from the Land of Oz as our house blew away in the winds last night.  It's pretty nice here, they have electricity and the wireless is surprisingly fast.  The only problem is these little dudes who keep singing us a welcome song and talking about making lollipops in some sort of guild.  I think it is some sort of sex club for shorties but it sounds too kinky for me!  Maybe I'll write an AM Theatre piece about this place sometime.

Anyway of course I am not actually in Oz we survived the storm or Derecho as I guess it's called.  Apparently they are like a big tornado but just go in one direction like a giant bulldozer; which is about what it did to my yard.  Thankfully, it was at about the boiling point outside today so it was no problem cutting up three trees for about 3 hours (note sarcasm)!  :)

But actually I am here to today to give a big shout out to the Pres who had two big hits this week!  Of course the GOP did say tisk tisk to Barack's Attorney General but I think that will blow over.  Of course the big win for Obamacare is good news for a left of center DC elite, like myself :)  I have healthcare so I really didn't have a dog in the fight but somehow I think it's trickles down to me when everyone is healthy.

But that is actually not my main point.  What I am really excited about is the Immigration Announcement and how it affects a guy like me.  No, I am not an illegal immigrant!  I am just a concerned citizen.

Btw, if you have ever noticed while driving through all those big grape and veggie fields in California or perhaps around those chicken houses in Arkansas they don't have anybody named Dave or Steve or even Bubba or George working there.  Well, they might have a George but he'll spell it with a silent J like all the other guys.  Yes, if you expect food on the table and a lot of other stuff that lazy Americans won't do you better realize immigration illegal or legal is fairly important.

But that doesn't really interest me either because again, it doesn't hit home.  Remember I am a BIG ISSUES guy and here is the big issue for the week!

Ahh.... the look of Genius

The big news for me and what has me celebrating is that now Shera Bechard has gotton one of those "Genius" Visa!   Yes the Playboy Playmate has been declared a "genius" and vital person we need in our country and I for one agree!

See this is good government working for me.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with the Pres' announcement the other week but I'm a results oriented guy and this is just the result I want; more blond female geniuses who take their clothes off in the good ole US of A!

So good job to whomever is responsible!  And Shera welcome home!

Let the Whole World Know that Today is the Day of Rekoning

So today is the day of reckoning.  The day I finally come out.  You see the past year and a half I have been living a lie and blogging is just a front.  I am in fact a plant from the Santorum campaign to out this disgusting a-front to the American way of life that is sex blogging.  I have been carefully crafting stories to engender empathy in hopes of attracting you fools into my web of deceit.

And now I will reveal the poor fools who have fallen into my trap!

Elle from Sex in the Shitty - as you can tell from her post yesterday she is harboring latent feelings for women.  And that is because she is in fact a former model living in LA and is currently romantically linked to Ellen DeGeneres.  Got you Elle!

Have you noticed that Kat from Prowling with.... has shown a great deal of interest in Mitt Romney.  Do you think that is just a passing fancy?  NOT!  No she is in fact Mitt's secret second wife, sister-wife to Ann and living in seclusion in Moab!  Gotcha Kat (and Mitt) - how many Cadillacs do you drive?

Additionally we have found out recently that the PWK team has taken out a $1 million insurance policy from Lloyd's of London on Cara's tits!

Gertie from Throwing Hammers says she is just a simple single girl looking for a guy but she is in fact one of those young chicks Anthony Weiner was sexting!

Sassy from Same Sassy Girl would like you to think she is a Red Sox fan and a suburban wife but in fact she bears a love child with Alex Rodriguez (oh the shame).

Kitty would like you to think she just thinks about sex all day.  Ever see that movie Prizzi's Honor, you got it.  Sex kitten is just a front for Mafia hit woman!  Be careful, be very careful.....  Of course I could have this one wrong I also have some insider information that she may really be Deanna "the blast" from Jersey Shore.

France from Sometimes the World Begins would like you to think she is just a hockey fan from Canada. But she is in fact the famous French food critic Anton Ego.

You think Luna is just a lusty DC lady?   No way, Drake is really a composite character of all those K Street Senators she has been "doin'" all these years.  She is in fact the concubine of Grover Norquist!

Red Shoes would like you to think he is a simple mild and absent minded professor from a small school in the south but he is in fact the former bass player for Badfinger.

Who are those Doing the District girls?  Well they are in fact a consortium of "Big Sugar" and "Pink Slime" execs just trying to get you to buy their product.

Pony Boy would like you to think he is a mild mannered husband and father from that suburb to the north of us.  But in fact he is self help guru and life coach Tony Robbins.

Vanilla Mom - she is really Pistachio!  Tempting Sweets - really a sour gummy bear!  And Kim the Errant Wife is in line to be Newt's next wife.

Oh, and of course Riff Dog really is/was Ann Coulter!

And I am as always faithfully "Kenny Fuckin' Powers!"

And if you don't believe me check your calendars today!!!!!


Love that Martina song.  Would you believe I would like to show her some country comfort!  Now that ain't no April fools!    :)

Give Me uh Give Me uh Give Me a Redneck Girl

In case you haven't noticed I have mentioned being from the south on several occasions in my blog.  Additionally, I hope you have noticed that I enjoy humor.  Put those together and it wouldn't take a genius to guess that I love those Blue Collar Comedy Guys and particularly Jeff Foxworthy.  He and I are two peas in a pod being Redneck Metrosexuals and all!  :)


You know Jeff Foxworthy defines being a Redneck as possessing "a glorious lack of sophistication."  Now I can turn on sophistication when I need it but I prefer to leave it off when possible.  So given all that we all have the ability to be Rednecks!  But ultimately what I like is the paradox of being a Redneck Metrosexual Skirt Chasin' NASCAR Dad Left of Center Guy; tell me that ain't unique!


So since I am always trying to rip off other people's ideas I thought I would take a stab at some Redneck jokes.  And the good thing is that all of these are based on actual Ryan experiences.


Here goes:


*  When giving driving directions if you have ever made the statement "take a right at the pig farm," you might be a redneck.


*  If your son or daughter has ever thrown a tantrum because they had to ride in the Jeff Gordon car on the NASCAR ride at the county fair, you might be a redneck.


I kid you not I heard a parent once say as their child got onto this ride "I hope she can get on the #3; if she get's Gordon's car she'll be pissed!"


*  If someone has ever asked you if you want to be tea bagged and you said only if the tea is brewed sweet, you might be a Redneck.


 I actually made that one up; hell, I didn't even know what teabaggin' was until I saw it on a blog recently :)


*  If you step outside of your office building and it smells like a cow's ass you might be a Redneck.

Go Junior!  :)

OK enough of that, the real point of today is another food post.  So I've admitted to being a little countrified now (as if you didn't already know that) so now let me admit to liking NASCAR.  Well, I've actually admitted that before here but let me reaffirm that admission today.  And since Sunday starts the NASCAR season at Daytona I thought I would give you a best Redneck/NASCAR recipe!  Well, really it's just an easy chili recipe which is eaten all over the place but here goes!


World's Easiest Chili


Ingredients:


*  2#'s Ground Beef


 -  If you are from Alabama I would subtract 1# and ground beef and mix in a pound of deer sausage
-  If you are from Wisconsin do the same as Alabama but with Moose or Elk and add a splash of Old Milwaukee beer and some cheese curds and say "you bet" 3 times!
-  If you are from California scratch the Ground Beef because when cattle pass gas if destroys the ozone.  Substitute some soy crumbles, corn salsa, or diced pumpkin and chant to some crystals.
-  If you are from Arkansas scratch the Ground Beef and substitute some of that 'possum you ran over yesterday!  :)


*   1 Large White Onion (diced)
*   2 Cans of Diced Tomatoes (approx 12 oz/ea)
*   2 Cans of Tomato Sauce (approx 12 oz/ea)
*   2 Cans of Chili Beans (I generally substitute 1 can of Black Beans)
*   1/4 Cup Chili Powder 
*   1 Tbs Cumin (that's a spice now, I don't you know do it in the chili!)  :)
*   Salt, Pepper, and Tabasco to taste


*   Brown your Ground Beef, Deer Sausage, Elk, Moose, soy crumbles or whatever in a skillet.  When almost cooked add in onions.  Sautee until beef cooked thoroughly and onions are tender.
*   Add in Tomato Sauce, Diced Tomatoes, and Beans (including brine of one can) and combine.  Leave at gentle simmer for about 10 minutes.
*   Stir in Chili Powder, Cumin, salt, pepper, and Tabasco to taste.  Add more spice to taste if needed.  Try some green chiles, diced mixed peppers, or a Southwestern Style Corn Salsa if you want to add some flair.  After adding spice let the chili simmer for about 20 minutes.
*   Serve with nacho chips, shredded Cheddar-Jack Cheese, Sour Cream, Guacamole, or anything else you like to add.  If you are fancy get one of those big round loaves of bread from Kroger, Giant, Food Lion, or Wegman's; carve it out and serve the chili in a bread bowl.


See that was real easy.  This will easily serve 12 people.  If you only have 4 you'll have something to put in your freezer for a rainy day or for that Bristol race in a few weeks!

One More Cup of Coffee 'for I Go

A Generational Analysis of Coffee

I have mentioned in my blog that I work in the hospitality industry and from my many food posts you can see I am a bit of a "foodie."  And if you are in the food business in the US it stands to reason that coffee will be a part of your life.  Coffee is a big part of my life.  I like to drink it and I see a lot of people buying it every day at work.  But in my line of work you just don't serve people you tend to scrutinize and analyze how people consume.  I am a BIG TIME people watcher - I love it, it often consumes me.

And NO, it's not just looking at hot girls asses - I do sometimes (rarely) actually do work and think about relevant things.

So one of the relevant things I have been thinking about is how coffee defines us and particularly our generations.  Again, if you have read my blog you will know another thing I love is generational theory.

So I have come up with a few observations about the various generations and their coffee habits, a bit tongue and cheek of course!   :)

The Elderly (GI and Silent Generation):

Their first reaction will be bewilderment that a small is now 16 ounces; twice the size of what they used to drink back in the day out of a china cup!  And don't even get me started when you ask them about a rewards or punch card; that will lead into a lengthy Q&A that can go on infinitely.  Next, they will now spend several minutes talking about drinking coffee at the drug store counter with their sweetheart yada, yada.  They will then say that if they drink all of this coffee they will be peeing all afternoon.  That will lead to a conversation about the liver pills they need to get this afternoon and their proctologist appointment next Thursday.  All while the rest of us wait to pay for our coffee!

After that they will proceed over to the condiment stand.  They won't have any clue what to do; all they want is cream and sugar.  But here they have hazelnut, white chocolate truffle and 15 other creams and 10 different types of sugar and sweeteners not to mention Cinnamon, ginger, soy milk, and protein powder.  After discussing that they never had all these choices they will get frustrated and then sigh and walk away and say they will just drink it black and muttering that they need to get to a phone so they can call to make an appointment!

Baby Boomers:

You have to understand that Baby Boomers assume whatever they are doing is exact what everyone else is waiting for them to do it and that we are fascinated with anything they have to say.

So as they pump their coffee they will be telling you why this currency manipulation is screwing with the stock market and that the government just needs to get off of my back and leave my government backed social security and medicare I'm about to get alone!

Then they start to fumble with the condiments (they are vaguely familiar with choice here it's just that they can't read the flavors on those small creamers as they are not wearing their reading glasses).  Then they will start discussing that their doctor has them on no sugar and dairy so you have to point out the right sweetener and soy milk for them.  Somewhere along here they may start talking about their stock portfolio or maybe complain about the cost of their daughter's college tuition to Sweetbriar Equestrian Institute for Spoiled Former Lap-babies.

Anyway, this will go on all day or until their Admin calls and tells them they are in a meeting in 15 minutes.

The Youngsters (Millineals and Generation Next):

Not relevant but cute!

The first challenge is getting their 'effing attention and finding the right punch card for this Bistro; they will have been on their IPod/phone and won't start looking until they realize that reality is a cashier waiting on them.  Once they have their cup they will begin pouring.  Half way through they will realized that they need to text all their friends that the Bistro has Pumpkin Spice today.  That will remind them to post the fact that the Bistro has Pumpkin Spice to their Facebook page.  Then they will remember that they have been meaning to download that Barista app for their IPhone - which they will now do even though there are 10 people waiting for coffee now.  Once the app is through they finish filling their coffee.  Now they step over to the condiments.  They sigh in disgust because there are only 15 flavors of creamer (note generational difference between this generation and the Silents above)!  Then they stammer "OMG, they are out of anise infused sugar - I can't drink this shit now!"  As they walk away in disgust they tweet to all their friends "OMG, the Bistro is out of anise infused sugar wtf!"  :(

Their IPhone buzzes with a text from their mom reminding them of their dentist appointment that afternoon.

Gen X'ers:

Us Gen X'ers are serious about our coffee; us and all those grunger dudes in Seattle started this whole revolution if you don't know.

Rather than just simply bragging about my generation, I'll just give you a rundown of what I do.  After all, like my Gen X brethren I am an independent kind of dude!  First, I have my punch card ready with exact change because I know the price and I want to get this done ASAP - I have to be at ballet for pick-up in 10 minutes.  Next, I'm a "march to the beat of a different drummer" kind of guy so I go to the condiments first and put in my 2.5 pumps of regular cream and 2 Splendas in first.  You see, this way the warmth of the coffee mixes the condiments as I pour thus saving me 5 seconds of my life by eliminating the stirring.  You ask, what happens if they are out of Splenda.  Hey, I said I am a watcher - trust me I know where they keep the Splenda.  I've been known to restock cups and make my own pot of coffee, I'm in a hurry and I ain't waitin' on the Barista to stop hitting on that young Gen Y chick!

Next, I reach around that Millennial with his thumb up his butt whilst tweeting.  I can get to the Jamaican Blue Mountain or the Costa Rican Peaberry and pour my cup before they even realize what I'm doing (note, sometimes when I am in a flavor mood I may splash in a little Mountain Blueberry).  And so I am off in less than a minute and four minutes before my Droid tells me I'm late for pick-up and the counter is restocked with Splenda.  Now who said Gen X was not out to make the world a better place!    :)