Wednesday, April 1, 2015

All Your Little Kids Go 'round Like You Hear their Stomachs Growlin'

Ryan's Generation Next Lifestyle Solution Services -

"Your Generation NeXt so Expect the #BesXt!"

TV Commercial voice speaking......
"You are the next generation, the generation that grew up Post 9/11 and who is coming of age in the "Great Recession."  You have a lot of challenges but one challenge you don't need to fret about is life.  This is what makes Ryan the best solution for YOU!"

No Time for Breakfast?
*  You have a busy day of school, after school prom meetings, dance class, and maybe even some homework.  You need fuel for the day and a quick Pop Tart won't do it.  Here at Ryan's solutions we will provide daily breakfast services such as warm creamy whole grain Oatmeal textured with Maple Syrup and Vanilla, peeled Fuji Apples (because God forbid you have to tolerate simple Red Delicious), and Shannon's special libation - blended Berry Smoothie.  Some days of the week you will even enjoy fresh cracked scrambled eggs, Turkey Bacon, and toast with local berried jams and preservatives.  And per Shannon's audits all will be Organic, cage and hormone free, cleaned and washed, and prepared observing all state and local sanitation guidelines.

We'll do the heavy lifting!  :)
Oops, forgot lunch and homework?
*  We understand you are now in puberty, you will forget a lot of "stuff!"  That is why we have partnered with Grammy's Errand Services to provide quick and easy delivery of forgotten homework and lunches on a moments notice.  Grammy's Errands will even drop off clothes for those embarrassing moments when "stuff" happens to you!  No matter what the emergency Grammy's Errands is here for YOU!

*  Oh and btw, what's in that lunch from home?  Well that would be a Nutella Sandwich on whole wheat, Soft Yellow Banana, Yogurt, and a fresh baked muffin; all freshly packed in that Swaggy new age cold storage system Shannon picked up from last month's conference in LA.

Trouble Getting to School, Dance, or Tennis Lessons?
*  Uber has nothing on us!  At Ryan's Lifestyle Solutions we are proud to offer our fine fleet of Kia Sedona's for all your transportational needs and with a full assortment of XM radio stations but locked into Disney Channel for your enjoyment.  Our fleet of Sedona's offers flexible seating for up to 7 in case you want to drag a friend along.  We have more than ample storage for all your needs.  Don't want to drag that Cotton Candy Frappacino in from Starbucks?  Of course not, just shove it into our convenient chair back pouches along with last week's McDonald's Kids Meal prize and half a serving of fries.  Spilled your drink!  No worries.  Ryan's Lifestyle Solutions Research Subsidiary is exploring new adhesive polymer technologies.  We are close to finding the stickiest solution on Earth by combining Chick-fil-A lemonade spillage, melted Milky Way bars, Gummy Bears, and Milk Duds.  You can help us break down the barriers to adhesive technology!

Need Clean Laundry?
*  Shannon has trained Ryan to be the best laundry service in town, we even include fabric softener in all of our loads and Shannon loves to iron.  We will provide weekly changes of bed linen and will provide wool sheets in winter.  We only ask that you make up your bed sometimes.  Well, if you complain enough and Ryan has to get to work early you may get away with that as well; but let's try to work on that.  A turn down service at day's end with Sleepy Time tea is available when desired!

Need Cash Fast?
*  Ryan's Banking sector loves to provide that needed cash flow.  Need a no money down, no-interest loan with flexible payment options for that eye-brow tweese at Ulta?  Look to us, we've forgotten about more loans than we have probably spent on ourselves ten times over.

*  Need help with that really big expense like that ritzy equestrian camp!?  Ryan's Lifestyle Solutions has also partnered with famed Venture Capitalist - Grandpa Beaumont.  Back in the day Grandpa Beaumont barely had enough money to provide bread and water for little Ryan and Ryan was expected to earn enough money if he wanted to buy a polo shirt.  But now, thanks to social security, double dipping into two retirement plans, and a ritzy side consulting job Grampa Beaumont's Venture Capital Services has all the cash flow Generation Next needs to evolve towards Social Actualization!

Need Relationship Advice?
*  Yes, that certain boy didn't ask you out and ick that other certain boy did.  Sara didn't talk to you today but texted everyone else and shared a photo on Instagram with Teagan even though Teagan was so hateful to you yesterday because you didn't include her on Snap Chat even though you just forgot and she isn't remembering the time that you included her as a "best bff" on Pinterest and OMG little sis was hogging the ipad last night so you weren't able to Face Time Dylan so he ended up Snap Chatting with Alexia and now they are going out to the dance next Friday....... YESH!

Ooops...., better talk to Shannon, she operates the IT/Psychoanalysis branch of Beaumont Services.  Ryan still struggles with Facebook and becomes Aspergers'esque when it comes to talking BOYS!

But I'll make it all up for you honey by grilling my famous Peri Peri Chicken, popping popcorn, and fixing some awesome pancakes tomorrow morning for your sleepover pals!

It's all in a days work for Ryan....

But anyhoo.....

Happy April Fools Day!  :)


HarleyQ said...

I adore this post so much!

Same sassy girl said...

Where do I sign up? ;)