"I thought we signed up for the same thing... I thought our relationship was perfectly clear. You are an escape. You're a break from our normal lives. You're a parenthesis"
Oh well as Three Dog Night wrote in another song "the Show Must Go On," so here is part III. Alecia has stayed in communication over the past three years. She called me once frantically worried after her daughter moved onto her college campus. I talked her through her nerves. Alecia is a social worker and I helped her on some projects. I probably had opportunities to connect further but I didn't push. Last spring I had a lot of furniture to donate and I knew her organization could probably use it so I called her. It ended up being a very therapeutic endeavor. She had two clients moving into the same apartment building who needed anything I could offer. I ended up spending the better part of a weekend working with a moving company to set up these two forlorn little apartments tucked away along a forgotten side street of our city. The stories behind these little families moved me. The downstairs apartment was to go to a mom and her two boys. Mom had a restraining order on the dad who had taken the family south for vacation and then simply left the mom on the side of a Louisiana road and left. The mom had to hitch hike back with no money but made it and now was trying to mend her life back together. The upstairs apartment was for a single dad who was taking sole custody of his daughter as the mom suffered through that opioid thing we all here about on the news. I have to admit I shed tears as I placed furniture in a new place that had long been in place in my memories. I imagined how that furniture might be sat on, how those toys might be played with, and how that crib (once slept in by my daughters) may be enjoyed by a new family. I remembered scenes from my past that included those pieces of furniture and imagined that new scenes would occur with those same pieces. Scenes I would never see but hoped would occur. Anyway, by the time we got the furniture in each apartment those once forlorn spaces started to feel like a home and I felt as warm inside as the springtime air outside.
Alecia thanked me for the furniture and gave me a warm hug. I think that was the last time I saw her. On Facebook I saw where she met a guy and ran off to California and has since formed a new life. I'm happy for her. I'm sure I can send her a note on Facebook and she'll get me that documentation. The guy isn't as good looking as me and doesn't look as cool but hey he isn't married so I can't fault her! Sorry my mind wanders.
Oh wait, I implied I had made contact with a lady on AM on my last post. I have to admit that getting a note back from a 40 - something petite Asian women in the semi-conductor business was both exciting and daunting. Unfortunately we had our annual family vacation and in the this case Ryan's curiosity didn't get him in trouble and I let that prospect slip away.
Upon my return I came across another really smart lady (who spoke three languages) and I sent her a pretty good note if I do say so myself:
"Hmmmm, I only speak English and food, I feel at a loss. But I must say
you are right about chocolate, it satisfies for about an hour in the
afternoon but dang that hour is really nice and that pick me up is often
really needed, particularly if accompanied by a cup of Jamaican Blue
Mountain coffee. So yeah, coffee and Sharffen Berger chocolate (see I
talk food) can be a great start.
So I'm all about lazy and fun adventurous days and if they are
accompanied by chocolate or coffee or maybe even one of those Pinots
they have over in Loudoun Valley all the better!
So let's talk politics and you can curse me out in German if you
don't like my opinion and I'll just think you are smiling at the
scenery! :)
Take care and enjoy the rest of the snow on this fine second day of spring. "
Unfortunately I was a day late and a credit short as she had just met "her guy" as she responded. But wasn't it nice for her to thank me for my nice note!
I've not spoken of Sandee for some time. Ironically she moved to the same Carolina beach I once had an opportunity to work some 20 years ago. Life might have been very different had I gotten that job, Shannon might have been much happier. I stay in touch with Sandee as we constantly poke fun at one another for our very different political perspectives. If I were more daring or more courageous we may have ended up together. I joke with her that we will end up together in our 80's at some "old folks home." We will be like the cute little couple who finishes up each other sentences. I don't think another women has ever "gotten" me the way Sandee has/did. In another world I do see us as those soul mates that are so sickeningly happy together, adults that still splash each other in the river and laugh at each other's stupid jokes. But who knows, as my Alecia story has never really ended I suspect my Sandee story or my Ryan story for that matter will never really end.
Unfortunately taxes never end as well so I probably should get back to work.
As my mind continues to wander I'm reminded of one of my favorite artists who (somewhat like me) has made a career of covering other artists. Here is a song that sort of sums up my mood. Gordon Lightfoot wrote the words but I think I like Tony Rice's version just as well.
"Words are for explaining the mistakes we might have made Names are for calling when there's nothing left to say. I'm not ashamed, no, to say that I've loved you well. I'm not ashamed, and yet I know I'm just a name, that's all scratched upon your wall; You've used it well, but what the hell, that's what walls are for...."
"Accept everything about yourself - I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end - no apologies, no regrets."
My girls are both teens now, one actually driving. It's fun to hear their laments about boys; why they do things, why they don't. I usually give them my slightly eccentric and anachronistic responses such as "you know Kissinger once said of the Russians 'never assume there is any intentionality in what they do.'" I always go on to add some other quotes like:
"it's not a matter of what is true that counts but a matter of what is perceived to be true."
- H. Kissinger
They then smirk, roll their eyes, and go back to texting; never quite getting my symbolism. But, however, I guess the main point I get across is that I'm exhibiting that main male characteristic of being egocentric about making sure I get my point across that means something to me but nobody else. Lesson learned! :)
So next point.
I should love Simple Minds, they are from Scotland after all. And they wrote the soundtrack to, like, every John Hughes movie that formed the backdrop of all us Gen-X'ers high school experience. They really are a very elegant and archetypal 80's band with the soulful lead singer, a steady bass line, and catchy symphonic bridges that form delightfully listenable songs. They were more musically adept than many of their 80's Brit peers and they created serenity with their balance of the traditional guitar/bass driven soul framed, not dominated, by 80's synth. I always enjoy crisp percussion and they provide that as well. They always give me contentment when Richard Blade plays one of their songs on First Wave and I'm taken back to a gentler more peaceful time.
So why, if Simple Minds is so damn good, I listen to them but I don't roll down the windows and scream the lyrics and play my steering wheel drum set to the song like I do with "Come on Eileen" or the Clash's "Train in Vain" or even Bob Seger's "Beautiful Loser?"
I just don't know, it's one of those enigma's or paradoxes, kind of like what makes a guy like a girl. Well, more like what makes a guy REALLY want to *uck a girl. Yeah that's it! Figuratively Simple Minds are like that girl who is really cool and chill to hang with but, let's face it, you just don't want to *uck her. "Come on Eileen" ain't gonna win no Grammy's but damn, if that song was a girl you sure would want to nail her at least once! Am I right? Yeah, you know I am.
Oh Allie. She's a girl I knew in college. She's a Facebook friend as well. You know those Facebook friends who post all the time about going to Wal Mart and making a big fuss about their special day at Six Flags over Indianapolis? The one's you laugh at because they need to get a life! Allie is not one of those people. She posts all the time and all the time she is doing totally COOL crap. And I'm not someone who is easily impressed. She's a writer, a musician, she does Celtic dancing, she yoddles with Tibetan monks, has box seats at Nationals games, yada, yada. I lied about the yoddling, she doesn't actually do that with Tibetan monks but she probably does with somebody. She's that cool.
In college she was way cool.
So right now you are probably expecting me to tell you about some epic adventure where we had passionate sex all weekend along the dunes of the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Or maybe this is a sad story of unrequited love where Allie was always just beyond the grasp of poor Ryan.
You would think wouldn't you? But no, Ryan is as finicky with women as he is with music. There is nothing wrong with Allie. As I said she is/was uber cool. She could drink with the guys, was always cheering loudly at Big State U games, liked cool music. She is/was cute too, diminutive and petite but while somewhat demur in private, she projected an inner strength and confidence. Outwardly she looked delicate but you kind of knew she could kick your ass if she had too. But she was sweet, not threatening and always had a sincere truly happy smile. When you talked to her she really listened and focused and made you feel like she thought whatever you were talking about was as fantastic to her as it was to you. Guys like that you know. Oh, and she was pretty hot too with great legs and a rather shapely toned behind.
I always had a feeling she was interested in me. Many times at a party or a bar among our frat friends I would contentiously make myself realize she did look very interested, was flashing those typical interested signs, and was entirely available. I would debate with myself why I should go for it, do more than flirt. A few times into the late hours of a Big State U Saturday night, or maybe even early Sunday morning hours of a Big State U weekend the party crowd would diminish. Only a few remained in the house, she and I might be two of the few. This might be the opportunity. Perhaps score, or maybe just do something that would lead to something later. I could never bring myself to pull the trigger. I don't know why. But who knows what lerks in the minds of a guy.
Allie was cute, but maybe the lines of her cheek and jaw bones seemed a bit masculine. Maybe her kinked up 80's hair didn't seem like something I craved running my hands through as I lay on top of her. Maybe in looking into her green eyes I saw my cousin looking back at me? Maybe she was too available and I craved the process of pursuit and conquest. Maybe there is just a fine line between cute and sexy?
I wish I knew. I wonder if she wondered what was going on in my mind like my girls wonder what goes on in their guy friends minds. I'm glad she couldn't read my mind because there really was never any intentionality in it. Which goes back to my original point.
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full!"
Oh wait, that is another Kissenger quote, I forgot what my main point was but that is typical of me and of guys.
I was on the 70's channel last night and thought I should use this song but I just wasn't feeling it. I guess I was Not in Love with using Not in Love to write about not being in love. You just don't know what goes through a guys mind!
It's been a very busy and active summer around the Beaumont household. We "finished" our basement over the winter months and over the past month finally found time to relocate one daughter's room from upstairs to her new room in the basement. That was then followed the next weekend by moving daughter #2 to daughter #1's old room and then followed by cleaning daughter #2's room and making it ready for future use as an office or other miscellaneous activity room.
Imagine Ryan moving your bed
What that means is that Ryan has been doing a TON of moving of "stuff" over the past several months. I actually feel so relieved though for having purged so much junk; it's amazing what we acquire over a lifetime. But having moved so many times in life and knowing how particular and yet detached Shannon is during the moving process, I know to be very careful to examine every last nic nac to insure that nothing valuable is discarded. As tedious and arduous as that may be it does give one an opportunity to revisit old treasures such as mementos, pictures, trophies, and maybe even an old record or tape.
I came across one tape that simply said "Shannon 1989." Curious, I played it on the way to the dump (one of those many purging missions) and got a wonderful memory from Shannon's past. Of course I was not a part of that memory but it helped me travel back to Ryan's world circa 1989 and remember what I was doing one state to the north during that same year.
Oh, the other thing I just realized is that it's summer. And that means Ryan kicks back a bit and reminisces about days gone by and enjoys writing about "Old Flames."
Yes, I did play the tape for Shannon. She smiled and laughed and then gave me the back story on the tape which leads to her memory of an Old Flame from days gone by. Which of course is another one of my favorite writing exercises, writing in Shannon's voice. So let's take a trip back in time, back to Big State U in fall, 1989 and hear about one of those Old Flames from Ryan's past. And then let's go one state south to Shannon's Big State U and hear about Shannon and her tape. Let's start with Ryan.
Of a Girl and a Governor,Ryan circa fall, 1989-winter, 1990
I don't talk politics much in this blog but I've always been fascinated with and active in politics. I suppose my parents, both active Democrats in county affairs, inspired me. I think the thrill of the competitive aspects was always attractive as well and to feel as if you are part of a movement; to be in the scene and breath the same air as that man who is inspiring us to act. I suppose the apex of my political involvement was in the late 1980's. Like me, my state always seems to have a contrarian streak. If the country is going one way we tend to go in a slightly different direction. The 80's of course were dominated by Reagan conservatism. By 1989 the country was feeling pretty good about itself but perhaps starting to wake up to the hangover that was the less taxes, more drink defense spending the Russian's under the table/party all night atmosphere of the Reagan years. After converting to a red state through the 70's and continuing on a red state path in national politics, my state began favoring an urbane, socially moderate/fiscally conservative Democratic model for Governor. Quite in contrast to the nation and particularly the South, we had elected two such Governors earlier in the decade amid the Reagan revolution. We were that model of the "blue-dog" DLC Democrat that America would fall in love with three year hence when "a man from Hope" would come onto the scene. The second of those Governors had an African American as his Lieutenant Governor. And so long before a young African American with a funny name from the Midwest came onto the scene that very same African American Lieutenant Governor from my state started to have an audacity of hope that he could step up and be the nation's first African American Governor. Now, it seems as if by 1989 America would certainly be ready for an African American Governor but this was not Massachusetts, this was the Old Dominion; the former seat of the Confederate capitol. This was that moment and that well dressed, urbane gentleman with the smooth slight bourbony southern accent created just the atmosphere I wanted to be a part of. He was someone I could champion, follow, and would aspire to emulate.
I've mention my friend Jules once in the blog (here). She was a fraternity little sister and a very sweet girl. We were always good friends but I'm quite sure she had a "thing" for me early on. However, early on I was not so interested. She was fairly nice looking but sometimes I am just too choosy for my own good. We went out often as friends, we even went to a frat formal once. I'm quite sure I could have taken her home and we surely would have had sex but I passed for some reason. I remember later, after the formal, I realized the error of my ways. But unfortunately at the point I realized sex with Jules might be rather satisfying, Jules had other ideas. So things just never came together for us.
That fall of 1989 I helped out here and there with Democratic party endeavors in support of the campaign for Governor. What that really meant was stuffing envelopes, counting votes at party caucuses, answering the phones at HQ, and on big occasions I was the go-to bartender for big-wig fundraisers. So not that fascinating but I did get to meet some influential people and did get to shake hands with the candidate on a few occasions. It wasn't much but it felt like I was in the moment, if only to pass out wine to people writing checks. At the end of an exciting campaign our guy won and of course to the winning team go the spoils. For all my hard work I landed an invite to the Governor's Inaugural Ball! Well maybe it was the check Father Beaumont wrote, but let's just assume the invite was for all that fantastic bar-tending Ryan, Jr. did.
Regardless of why I got the invite I decided it would be fun to go but I needed a date? Most girls in my surroundings didn't seem to be interested in politics as much as I. But I got around to asking Jules and now seemed to be just the right time. She was getting over another guy who had sex with her and dumped her and I think getting out of town felt right for her at the moment.
So we made the trek to the capital city on a Friday afternoon. That night we hung out with friends and crashed at their place. It was friendly and chummy but I noticed a few times Jules looked at me across the table with that look and you just know.
The next morning we were up early for the Inaugural parade and the actual Inauguration. After the speeches we waited well over an hour in a line to shake the new Governor's hand. It was cold but all this still felt very much part of a movement. I don't think Jules was as into the movement as I but she seemed to enjoy being together.
We were not going to crash at the friends house that evening so we checked into a cheapo hotel on the outskirts of the city. We dressed for the ball but went down to the chic brick road downtown of the capital city for a drink. After a drink we proceeded to the capital colosseum for the Inaugural Ball. While it was a reception one found that simply serving drinks at fundraising parties didn't merit heavy hors d'ourves. We got a few baby carrots and I think the edge of a piece of cheddar cheese. We walked around and viewed the beautiful people. Jules looked great btw. Her silky blue gown set off her sparkling blue eyes. She was not a fashionista, mostly a jeans and sweater gal, and so her tall frame often made her appear frumpy. However, in that well fitting gown she was very shapely and rather sexy. I could see myself and started to imagine myself with her.
About an hour after we got there the new Governor was introduced and he and his wife took the first dance. Now I say that as if we were just across the floor waiting to catch the bouquet of flowers or whatever is done in there types of things. But our tickets didn't get us on the floor, rather in section 399, row ZZZ, seats 68 and 69 if I remember correctly.
We watched the festivities for a time, walked around the concourse several more times looking again at the beautiful people. Jules was a real trooper and smiled through it all but I could tell she was bored. At one point she stopped and placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and pulled off her high heels. Between the parade, standing in the hand-shake line, walking in downtown, and walking around the colosseum she had rubbed a wicked, now bleeding, blister on her Achilles heel. We decided to leave. She leaned on me on the way to the corner to catch a cab. I was practically carrying her and rather enjoying it in spite of my embarrassment at seemingly causing the nasty blemish to her foot.
Once in the back of the cab she meekly thanked me and apologized for having to leave. I felt bad. She looked at me with those solemn almost sad eyes of hers. I could feel that her eyes yearned for a kiss and I slowly moved forward to do just that. She passively accepted my kiss, at first a peck and then a deep kiss once I realized I was welcome.
At the hotel I again had to help her out of the car and up to the room. Once in the room we just collapsed on the bed. At some point she rolled over slightly placing her hand on my chest and gently stroked and again apologized. I told her there was no need. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help. She said she would like to soak her feet. She went to the bathroom to start a bath and I went to get two drinks.
When I got back she was in the tub. I told her I had our drinks and she said "bring it to me, I need a glass of wine asap," giggling. I gingerly peered through the door. Jules was in fact in the tub albeit still partially clothed from my angle as I walked in. She smiled and said, "you can come in, oh thanks that is just what I need." I sat down on the floor next to the tub, she smiled at me. I asked it there was anything else I could do for her. She smiled and said "I need a foot rub." She lifted her feet to the edge of the tub and I obliged. As I rubbed at the other end of the tub she sipped her wine, rested her head against the wall, and sighed. After several minutes of satisfying her feet I decided her calves probably needed a massage as well, so I massaged my way up her legs. Again, Jules sighed in calm contentment.
Almost looks like us :)
She then invited me in. I took my clothes off and got in, nestling myself behind her. She then leaned back, her back to my chest. We sipped our wine, me stopped occasionally to kiss the nape of her neck. I ran my hands along the inside of her thighs and she sighed and arched her back slightly giving the clue that she wanted more. She still had panties on so I reached inside and pressed my finger into her. Again she archer her back, and tilted her head to me as if to beg for a kiss.
It was not long before we were out of the tub and onto the bed. The next 15 minutes was the release of two years of circling one another and wondering what this would be like. And it felt incredible. She was wrapped tightly around me looking directly into my eyes, fingers deeply intwined into my hair, pulling me into her as she moved her hips into mine. The euphoric exhaustion from the day running into the mounting anticipation eclipsed into what I can honestly say was the most powerful, voluminous orgasm I have ever had. I was not sure I would ever stop. The tingling at the ends of my toes and fingers almost hurt at the end. We both shrieked at once as Jules came just behind me. My entire body shivered in response to the tingling feeling.
Not us, just looks like us
We lingered side by side for some time after, giggling at one another and yet within minutes we were in conversation again with one another as friends even as our naked bodies were still draped onto one another.
The next day we were friends again. By the time we were back at Big State U I think Jules' boyfriend wanted to reconcile or maybe I was chasing someone else. I don't know. It seemed like we were always friends. I now have so many fond memories of throwing darts with her and just handing out around Big State U. Even now as I see her on Facebook I can feel the intimate connection we shared. Thinking back she is probably the one that if I had dared take the plunge, she would have been so much fun. We were always chasing something else but at least we always knew something very good was close by. Perhaps that allowed us to pursue other people knowing something so good and comfortable was just a friend away.
So that's Ryan's sexy retro-1989 memory.
Come back next week for Shannon's mission to 1989!
And here are the Smithereens with one of those 1989 chart toppers!
I'm always reminded that someone close to me would always say "the skies are full of Carolina blue today," on a day such as today. My friend is a UNC Tarheel fan thankfully, I'd hate to see a day full of Duke Blue Devil blue; that would be rather melancholy, don't you think. Of course that slogan is of no value if you are a fan of the Wolf Pack, Demon Deacons, Pirates, Mountaineers, or even the Blue Hose or Camels! But I suppose anyone from NC is a Tarheel on some level.
Livingston Taylor wrote a song called Carolina Day about a day just like today. And yes that is James Taylor's brother. JT and LT were born in Boston but grew up outside of that Carolina blue town of Chapel Hill. LT later went back to Boston to attend prep school and eventually became a faculty member at Berklee College of Music. I believe the song talks about happily traveling back to Carolina from Boston ("on a plane out of Logan") to enjoy one of those Carolina blue days with family. The song also mentions his brother's (JT) fame but more importantly reflects the gentle tranquility one feels when you are floating through one of those Carolina blue days.
I walked past JT once back stage, I didn't notice him until I was past. I looked back and realized who he was and said "hi." Up close and even at a distance he looked like just another dowdy looking faculty member (I guess like his brother). But he seemed like a really nice guy and he did give a great show. He sang his Carolina song that night, not his brother's, but both are beautiful.
As is this time of year under Carolina blue skies, "breathing that clean fine southern air."
Last week we saw a lot of Carolina blue around here. Sandee and I spent an entire day playing hooky from life under those Carolina blue skies along the banks of the Maryland side of the Potomac. I suppose it didn't really matter where our feet were, our minds were in fact in those Carolina blue skies.
I've driven past Point of Rocks, MD several times and I knew it was just the type of quaint place Sandee and I would enjoy. And even more importantly it is a great place to shove off in a kayak with a gentle current and a lot of interesting topography to enjoy. We got to the river just before noon and shoved off from the banks, just below Rt. 15. The currents were rather strong on this day so we labored up river first enjoying the warm air. We came across an old lock-keepers house along the canal and got out and walked up. It is available for rent and Sandee said how nice it would be to spend a weekend there. The house seemed somewhat primitive but the thought of spending a thought-free weekend with Sandee under primitive conditions seemed delightful. We stopped on some rocks out in the river and sunned ourselves and talked much about nothing in particular. The float back down river was much easier. We went just past our start and paddled over to Heater Island in the middle of
the river.
Once there we explored the primitive foot worn trails. Several vines hung from tall trees. I jokingly swung on one and Sandee gleefully joined in, she is so child-like and joyful. We talked about swinging from tree to tree in loin-clothes. The thought got me to thinking how nice it would be to see Sandee in a loin-cloth. We were alone on the island but on the southern side we felt completely detached from the world. Under a tree and overlooking the river and the banks on the Virginia side I wrapped my arms around her from behind, kissed her neck, and breathed in the floral scent of her hair. My hand moved down below her wait and into her yoga pants. She sighed in her sweet, soft, feminine voice. We retreated a few paces inland and found a sturdy fallen tree trunk. I sat down and pulled Sandee's hips to me and ran my hands inside her pants and down the length of her legs. She bent over and did likewise with me. Half-naked she then straddled me. Kissing her, feeling her chest to mine, and her hips moving across mine, it did not take long for us to orgasm together. I remained in her for some time looking into her eyes and intermittently kissing, not saying much just taking in the moment.
We paddled back to the mainland and loaded up the kayaks. I was hungry and their was a little restaurant close by. However, pulling out of the parking lot I saw a sign for a local creamery. We drove just a little East and came across Rock Point Creamery, a wonderful little shop with delicious homemade ice cream. Kids were now coming in, obviously just out of school and onto their afternoon snack I suppose. The ordinariness of the moment was tranquil and fulfilling.
From Point of Rocks we crossed the river again, this time by car. I'm sure Sandee thought I was just going home but I had another destination in mind. We drove down several country roads and then emerged by one of my favorite Loudoun County vineyards. This is a special place for us, the first place I kissed Sandee beside the little pond adjacent to the tasting room. We sat again at that same place and enjoyed the now late afternoon sun.
Even though we were not in Carolina, it was truly a lovely Carolina day.
Thinking now of the day I am reminded of another wonderful late-May day 21 years ago under Carolina blue skies.
Shannon and I had recently watched the Last of the Mohicans.
The movie is set in the Adirondack Mountains of New York. But good tax breaks in North Carolina obviously convinced the movie makers to film down south. The ending scenes of the movie were filmed at Chimney Rock, a gorgeous outcropping of granite overlooking Lake Lure that also features the dramatic 400 foot Hickory Nut Falls. Shannon and I played hooky from life one day and drove across the state to Chimney Rock and enjoyed the beautiful late May day. The only thing as wonderful as the sweet mountain air in my lungs was the feel of Shannon in my arms, kissing her a few paces off the trail along a glittering swift mountain stream.
Back then she was so laid back and in the moment. At the time I knew I would be transferred soon with my company. I knew I liked her, I was not sure I loved her. Shannon was considering graduate school and surely didn't want to pass on life just to be with me. But for now none of that mattered, just that we were there together under Carolina blue skies.
JT and LT
As the day got late we left and found a beautiful bed and breakfast with a vacancy and we decided to stay the night. We were hot and tired and the deep, warm bath in the quaint country room was delightful. We got out of the tub and didn't even bother drying off just flopping on the bed and falling into one another. Our wet bodies glided over one another.
This was one of our first days together and probably the first time I saw myself spending a life with her. Surely if one day could be so perfect, a life together would be more than wonderful. If everyday life could just be so sweet?
I guess what's important to know is that,
"while taking care of business I found my Carolina day, didn't let me down."
Fats Waller was a jazz icon famous for several works such as "This Joint is Jumping" and "Ain't Misbehavin.'" He is also famous for that great one-liner above "one never knows do one?" I love a good malapropism like that. It seems so obvious that even someone like me can understand it. And yet perhaps it's true meaning is not so ephemeral. I suspect it has something to do with balancing the reality of outcomes with life's journey, the pursuit of happiness, passion, and the search for reason. Life gives you so many paths and you do your best to choose the right one. However, in the end, you just don't know what life will deal you. Then again the quote could really just mean "one never knows..." as in you never know what's going to happen when you eat at that Mexican place next to the railroad tracks? It might be great. You might end up just having gas. You might get the *hits. Or you might die of E Coli? One just never knows, do one? :)
As you know I write a lot about this woman in my life named Shannon. In the blog she is my wife. Of course no idiot would use his wife's real name in his blog so that is not really her real name. I use the name Shannon because my wife (not really Shannon) reminds me of this girl I had a major crush on in high school named Shannon. Her name really is Shannon which of course would be stupid to really use her actual name in a blog but then again nobody really ever nominated me for a Nobel Prize in Smartness! Then again maybe I'm being like Fats Waller and talking in circles just to confuse everyone which would be entirely possible if I were able to orchestrate something such as that. But then again we are talking about me so how likely is it that any of that is the case.
But lacking something to write about I thought it might be nice to tell the story of the real Shannon and how she relates to my Shannon or rather my "not-Shannon."
Back then she looked like Selena
Shannon was a bit nerdy through middle and early high school. For some reason I remember me knowing she had a crush on me during those years. When she returned for her senior year for some reason she was the "it" girl. It wasn't that she went off and got breast implants or took a class on how to give a good BJ. She just became the "it" girl. "It" was really about attitude. For some reason Shannon decided to be the "it" girl and everything about how she dressed and how she carried herself was "it." In hindsight I really have to admire that. I noticed her "it'ness" pretty quickly but I was not quick enough. A friend of mine asked her out early in the year and soon they began dating. They dated for all of our Senior year. Toward the end of the year they broke up. I thought I had a chance but alas fate always seemed to step in the way. The sick thing is that she had at least three friends that were all interested in me and that were all arguably as attractive. One of those girls has even achieved some fame as a consultant to a fairly high ranking government official. I could tell you but he'd probably have to kill you! :)
But silly me always had to chase the "it" girl and that "it" girl (Shannon) was always just beyond my reach.
We went on to college, me to Big State U and her to another local school that was basically the school you went to if you didn't get into Big State U. Let's call it C+ State U. Over the next several years I would see Shannon occasionally. By my estimate she was a sorority party girl majoring in an MRS degree. That was C+ State U's specialty! At times I thought about the fact that she was so smart in middle school but had chosen a rather superficial pathway. I lamented that she could have been much more. Or maybe it was just sour grapes and I was really lamenting on how much more she could have been if she had been with me! It's probably the latter. :)
I graduated and went my way and I assume she went hers. I did not see her again until our 10th high school reunion. I know it would be great now to say we hooked up at that reunion. But I had just gotten married to a hot young woman fresh off a Liberal Arts degree. I was so proud carrying my Shannon around that I barely noticed the real Shannon. I think I remember speaking to her briefly. I also remember she was one of the few who already had kids and she was on the arms of a very successful looking gentleman who I believe is a lawyer. It seems we had both achieved our desires in life.
At this same point in time my Shannon, as I said above, had just graduated college with a Liberal Arts degree two years prior. To many she may as well have been preparing for an MRS degree and had found her future soul-VP-mate in Ryan (that's me Ryan Beaumont not the Republican, you know, VP candidate - but you get that I suppose). Anyway, Shannon had started graduate school but in truth was only discovering who she might be able to become.
At that 10 year reunion there was not much mystery to Shannon and Shannon, just two gorgeous women with their successful husbands enjoying the night.
Now let's fast forward 10 years later to our 20th reunion. I remember the planners of the reunion put together a little portfolio of bios for all the attendees. I was glad to see that Shannon was attending and read her bio with great interest. Based on our 10 year reunion I was expecting Homeroom Mom, Secretary of the PTA, Girl Scout Troop Leader, yada, yada. But to my surprise her bio was ripe with silly and funny comments about dealing with her teens and the musical fads of the day and low and behold a work bio that included what was becoming a very successful career in real estate. Suddenly I was very curious to find out how life had turned out for my Shannon (or rather the real Shannon, I was all too aware of how life was turning out for my Shannon).
On the night of the reunion I did see Shannon. Again, I really didn't speak to her at length. I noticed her hubby was greyer, considerably chubbier, and had a certain dejected beaten down by life aura that was in stark contrast to his confidence he projected at the 10 year reunion. I also noticed he and Shannon couldn't be any farther away from one another in that room. Shannon herself was gorgeous and had not added anything to her petite frame except style and even more confidence. Shannon had long left the nerdy shy image of her middle school years and even, though quite affable, had apparently left the party girl image of her college years. Now she was a powerful woman that commanded a room. I suspect even the most confident man would be tested by her. I know this as this had become my experience with the confident powerful Shannon I had shared a life with for some years now.
I know, it would have been nice to be writing now that I scored with Shannon that night. But hell, I didn't even score with my Shannon (who of course is not really Shannon). My Shannon and I had similarly grown apart. While we toured our various conversations that night in tandem, in reality we were miles apart. But for a few moments on a balcony outside the reception I did look into Shannon's (the real Shannon) piercing stormy blue grey eyes and I realized that really those were the eyes I had been looking into for the past ten years. That in fact my Shannon had turned out so very much like the real Shannon or was it vice versa. If you have read my Shannon's Stories you will know this is true.
In the end I realized the Shannon I once sought was really the Shannon that I had won. And the Shannon that I had won had become the Shannon that I had once sought. And of course the Shannon that I had won was the Shannon that I had lost. And part of what made me lose her was the fact that she had become the Shannon that I had never won.
In the end "one never knows, do one!"
Author's Note: In writing this I could not help doing some google stalking. Shannon (the real) is still doing great and looking great. On her company "About Us" page she has those two letters "V.P" in front of her name just like my Shannon. And Ryan just plugs on along tapping out blog post on that Potomac ridge.....
I think I have mentioned in this blog that I was a late bloomer. I didn't have my first sexual experience until my freshman year of college and then it would be about two more years until my second. I acually grew about 2-3 inches during my early years of college so really I just hadn't filled out yet so to speak. But somewhere in my junior year I resolved to put myself out there, forcing myself to be more of that Alpha everyone seems to talk about around here. For me it was really just about not being shy and finding out girls like to talk and to flirt. By the time I was a senior in college most of my friends were actually girls and that would be a trend I would continue up to today.
I met HER in my senior year of college. Over the next three years of my life (including Grad School) we would be casual friends with an enjoyable flirtation. But upon graduation she led me to a new state and a new life. Once in this new town our relationship turned to a passion that consummed me. She became all that I ever wanted, she drove me, sustained me, and led me to heights I didn't think possible. I barely had a life beyond her in those days. Her thirst for me was unquenchable and mine for her.
Sure, I met others. I met Shannon in that town. For a time Shannon grabbed my attention. SHE allowed me to throw my fancy and attention to Shannon as she was not the type to settle down. Perhaps it even amused her to see me happy with another. But eventually she came calling and led me to another town. Shannon came with me, she was OK with that, but she would not leave me and in fact led and drove my ambitions for her even more. Each step with her was the next step to our ultimate goal together; the course we had charted together, the end of our journey or rather the place she was destined to take my soul.
Two more times she would lead me down her path to a new place, both times at Shannon's objection. But I could not yield to her.
She finally led me to a place Shannon almost refused to go. She tolerated Shannon but surely would have been happy for Shannon to leave me. But Shannon did come once again. For a time Shannon finally eclipsed her and we started a family. I slowly began to distance myself from her.
She did not approve. Like a jealous lover she left me, bitterly forsaking me and attempting to take my soul with her. In her wake I fell to depths of shame and dispair I could barely conceive. She left me broken and nearly beaten.
In my sadness I left that final place she led me and found my way back east. Shannon did come with me one final time but the battle with HER had left Shannon's love for me broken beyond repair. I found work back east and found a comfortable home where Shannon and I were seperately happy with our girls yet distant from each other. For several years I was content to work an honest day and be the best dad I could be and tried to be the husband I never was. I finally had balance now that she was not in my life to tempt me with the excesses of my youth.
But like the seasons things change and life sometimes comes full circle. The distance from Shannon became too much of a burden and I sought and found others. I found a delightful person, Sandee, who made me so very happy. But happy things can sometimes fade and as my relationship with Sandee began to plateau SHE found me again.
It was so funny, I had not been looking for her even as I had been looking for others from my past. She didn't reveal herself immediately. At first she came to me as a small diversion, a project to help out on so to speak. But that little project went oh so well, we realized each other and realized how happy we were to see each other. There was no anger between us for our time appart. In fact I felt immediate contentment within her presence. Standing right in front of me it was as if she never left. We could only smile and say "hello dear friend."
There was no doubt of course, we would be together again. I can't help but submit to her, I never could. She is the lady that I could never say no to and I was so glad she came back into my life this summer. God help me that I may yield to her in a way that burns enduringly and that does not consume us both. Perhaps with age has come wisdom and our love will be of respect, support, and caring and we can live with one another and not hurt those around us this time.
Yes, as summer came into full swing I was happy to be back with my lover from years gone by.
My career.
Perhaps more to come but then again who really want to hear about old lovers!
You know Facebook has gotten big when a teen heartthrob is writing a song about it. It's funny, in my day the worst thing you could do to your boyfriend or girlfriend was to cheat on them. I guess now the worst thing you can do is "unfriend" them. Yeesh, even writing that seems overly mean and passive aggressive. Now that I think about it, that is pretty bad. I mean often we don't even "unfriend" one another when we get divorced. I fear for this generation! :)
In my last Sandee post I hinted at reaching out to some old flames. Sandee said she cared about me very much but just couldn't do the "affair thing." I thought it was better to let her go a bit for now. We could remain friends and I could take a peak back at Ashley Madison. After all, I needed more blog material. Thankfully it was summer and I was going to put the blog on cruise control and do some re-posts and some stories of loves gone by. This would allow for some catching up on generating blogable material, I just needed to put myself into a "target rich environment" (sorry I'm pumped up from the debate last night)!
As for my "old flames" blog posts, I had settled in on seven girls from my past that I would do five posts about. I thought it would be fun. For me it turned out to be a blast going back over those great stories. Of the 8 girls I had/would write about (including Chelle) I was Facebook friends with three and knew the whereabouts of two others. I am always very curious so as I was thinking about these posts I couldn't help searching for the other ladies of my past on Facebook.
And that is how I found Tish. Her page was locked so "non-friends" could not see her information so I just went ahead and sent her a FB friend request and a brief hello note. About two days later I got a note back from her accepting the request and a very nice note thanking me for contacting her and expressing gladness at hearing from me. After reading her note I, of course, checked out her profile to see if she is still HOT. She is! I clicked on the "about" button to see where she is now, assuming she had relocated back to NJ. I see married, works at bank, lives in ....... (DAMN); she lives in ***********, **! That's just 20 minutes up the road from me. I drive through there all the time!
Over the next two weeks we exchanged several notes. She mentioned that time had been good to me and that I was still very handsome. She said I had a beautiful family. I was feeling the vibe!
Of course during this time I didn't just try for options on Facebook. Actually I didn't even consider Facebook options, Tish just seemed to have fallen on my lap (hopefully). Yes, I finally did re-open Ashely Madison "with intent" to find and communicate with new ladies.
While I was in general again disappointed in what I found I did find one delightful looking nurse (apparently) and found another lady who just seemed to evoke a familiar feeling.
VANurse4U was actually outside of my normal zip code range (about a two hour drive) but she said she traveled to the DC area often. I actually had really narrowed my range to yield ladies that would probably be on the periphery of my abilities. To be honest I wanted a challenge and I was down to 175# and had just completed a biathlon so I was pretty cocky now. I had done AM and the blog thing a long time now and I wanted to see how attractive I could be!
I put a lot of thought into Mrs. NSG. I even googled NSG and found it was an acronym for Nuclear Suppliers Group. That was my hook because she said she was successful and looking for someone smart. I told her among other things that
"I checked out your website NSG, you are obviously smart since you are in nuclear physics. I have an MBA from (Big State U) which makes me smart unless you are a fan of (U of State).
I added something new (my AM profile has always had a photo of me with the Lego Land Orlando dragon in my background). It has gotten several comments over the years.
"The dragon in my picture represents my powerful aura. I say that because you said you like confidence. Oh wait, that is actually the picture of me outside of Lego Land in Disney. Well you said you like humor as well, and you know I'm a world traveler now! :)"
Anyway, it seemed to work as I got this back along with a key to her private showcase.
Wonderful pictures :) thanks for sharing them.
I'm a healthcare risk management and cost containment consultant. "NSG" = nursing. Far more exciting than anything nuclear, right?
Would like to respond further but it's a busy time of day around here. I have a couple hours of catch-up from my work week, as well....but I look forward to learning more about you.
PS- my dad is a very proud alum of Big State U :)
Of course I immediately looked at her pics - DAMN! She was hot. She had a couple of bikini clad pics, some yoga looking pics and overall she was just gorgeous, a bit like that Courtney Thorne Smith from Melrose Place (although at 42 I guess more like According to Jim, although I don't really watch that). Of course I'm a little off the beaten path, I actually was intrigued by the photos of her kayaking on a gorgeous lake. Hot and outdoorsy, just my type. I just needed to navigate that smart and successful angle; I don't seem to navigate it so well with Shannon! Anyway, I was definitely going to put some thought into my next note to her. And put some thought into those pictures - smokin'!
But as I said above I had also found a lady that looked oh so familiar. Yes I remembered the profile name immediately and her likes,
"you know exhilarating, insuperable, passionate feeling.... THE look and THE desire.... the journey makes the destination.....
Yes, it was Alecia! Just like the mongoose who can't stay away from that cobra I had to write to her.
So you are saying, "damn Ryan I thought you were talking about Vision Quests and taking stock of your soul the other day and now you are chasing every woman in the Quad-State area, what-up dude!"
Well, reality often is the medicine to cure you....
Normally I would stretch this post out to at least 3 or more or maybe even a month; certainly a week. I'll apologize now for such a long post today. But I've got other things I want to move onto these next few weeks including the mistress that ended up winning my love this summer.
So to conclude:
Tish - We flirted on Facebook for a few weeks. Of course you never really know if it's a flirtation or just politeness. I sent out a broad invitation to stop by if she was in town and mentioned I'll let her know if I was in her town. But as often happens on Facebook you reconnect with old friends, write several times, and then you/they just fade away to old memories. I see the pictures she shares now and she seems to have a very happy life. At least I know where to find her if I get the inclination. She is probably still mad I used to schedule her for the hardest sections! :)
The Nurse - After such a promising reply I eagerly started my reply to her reply on Monday (yes I decided to play the waiting game - didn't want to appear like AM was all I had to do over the weekend). But when I clicked to take another look at her hot pictures I got the worst notice you can get on Ashley Madison "profile not found." DRAT! I guess the weekend gave her cold feet to the Ryan experience! :)
Alicia - I did write to Alecia and was very clever if I do say so myself. Among other things I said
"you had me several years ago when I was still naive; well you said we made such a pretty pair...."
Well that is actually a quote from that Carly Simon song "You're So Vain," but Alecia really likes Carly Simon. And don't you get it, she was my first AM experience so I was so naive and of course we did make a pretty pair. So I continued on to say that she seemed so familiar and that her thoughts were seductive and I could not yield and had to reach out yada, yada. I think I did mention that she reminded me of someone from my past that was so alluring and tempting that I just couldn't pass on writing to her (now). Of course, insinuating that she was in fact the "she" from my past. I don't know I think I got lost in the layers as well but it all sounded pretty good as I hit the send key!
This time I did not send a key to my private showcase. I thought I would let my words be the draw for once. It worked or at least so I thought. The next day I had a request from her for my private showcase. So send my pics I did and waited for Alecia's response. And waited, and waited, and....
As she is/was wont to do, I never heard back from her. As I was writing this post I went back to my lists and saw that this and one of her other profiles are not currently active. I know she is on Facebook, but this mongoose is only willing to go so far down that snake hole!
Maybe quoting from "You're so Vain" sent the wrong message, "Chicken Soup with Rice" perhaps would have been better I think! :)
So on this Adventure Ryan was 0-3. But that was OK because just as I was rediscovering the depths of Ashley Madison dispair another old mistress came back into my life. And that story will have to wait for another day (or Thursday)! :)
I am always bad with letting my mind wander. As I sit here going over my itemized deductions for taxes I see where I need to fill out an 8283 - Noncash Charitable Contributions form. Then I remember I never got a final document from Alecia for all that furniture I donated to her program last May. Dang I said I was going to get that from her and now she's gone. Oh yeah, I wrote about Alecia in my blog about three years ago; how I had reconnected with her and what was happening in her life. I wrote two posts using a kind of "karma" theme with Three Dog Night's Shambala as the lyrics. It was going to be a three part post but I never did part three! For anyone who is new here Alecia was my first Ashley Madison meet.
