Monday, February 28, 2011

My Name is Inigo Montoya, You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die

OK, so today’s title is a movie quote rather than a song lyric, but please read on, this quote sparked a revelation and a potential urban legend in my head!

So I was driving home from work last night and trying to think of lyrics to match with blog entries but I kept hearing Mandy Patinkin in the Princess Bride saying those famous words “My Name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.”  So then I thought, that would be a great theme for a blog entry.  And I also thought I must be going crazy if I am hearing the voice of Inigo Montoya in my head. J

Of course, then my mind drifted and I started to think about other movie quotes that would be good for a blog entry.  For example wouldn’t Vote for Pedro be great!  And other quotes started drifting into my mind like “leave the gun, take the cannoli,” and “did you order the code red?”

So then I had to slap myself so I could stay focused on Inigo Montoya!  I started to think about the Princess Bride and how ripe it was for story lines; it is after all one of my all time favorite movies.  Then it occurred to me that I have always related to young Wesley, the movie’s hero.   How many times has Shannon (my wife if you are coming in late to this blog) screamed out in jeopardy “Eek...Ryan, there’s a spider in the sink!”  And me the hero in his best Wesley impersonation says “as you wish” and then humbly dispatches the spider and then saunters back to his work stall.

Then I started to think about the story of Wesley and how he left the farm to go out into the big world to earn enough money to marry his Buttercup and how he was abducted by the Dread Pirate Roberts and then eventually became the Dread Pirate Roberts.  He learned that the man he was taking over for was not in fact the original Dread Pirate Roberts, but someone who took over when the original had retired many years earlier.

And then it hit me like a lightning bolt!

What you say?

Well as I was thinking about Wesley and the Dread Pirate Roberts I also started to think about Riff Dog and Ashley and Me.

You know it seems so peculiar that one month Riff is screwing every MILF in Southern California and the next he is talking about how to sign a record deal or talking about cars like he is one of the Car Talk Guys on NPR.  It simply doesn’t make sense.  And of course there are those urban legends that Riff is actually a female or perhaps a team of ghostwriters.

So my revelation is this:

Riff Dog is not Riff Dog, he is in fact the Dread Pirate Dog Riff and is in fact a series of Dread Pirate Dog Riffs dating back to 2008!

I think the original Dread Pirate Dog Riff ran off with Connie a few years ago to open some Boutique Vineyard north of Sonoma along the Russian River or maybe dropped out to Idaho.  Or would it be more likely that he opened a muscle car shop in San Bernardino?  Nah, I don’t think Connie would go for that, car shop sounds more like Surfer Girl. 

Anyway, my guess is that there have probably been about three or four Dread Pirate Dog Riff’s and that this current “out of commission” period Riff spoke of is in fact a transition to a new Dread Pirate Dog Riff!  What if one of the past Riff’s had passed the baton to William Shatner or some other disciple?

So now my mind is really spinning.  As you know I live near DC and in the best Washington fashion I believe we need to appoint a “Blue Ribbon” commission to investigate this conspiracy or better yet Congressional Hearings!  Can you imagine putting the Dread Pirate Dog Riff in front of that wonderful Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman to answer questions on this? J Perhaps she could do it as a live internet stream like she did with her State of the Union response the other week.  That could be fun!

And certainly Sarah Palin or Ann Coulter could weigh in (Sarah on Facebook of course), I’m sure Ann would be gunning for Pirate Riff since she has been the unfortunate and unnamed face of Clair for all these years (poor soul).

So what’s up Riff, we want the truth, as I further envision a conversation with him (camera drifting off into fog…..)

Dread Pirate Riff (in best Nicholson voice): You want answers?

Ryan: I think I'm entitled to them.

Dread Pirate Riff: You want answers?

Ryan: I want the truth!

Dread Pirate Riff: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has women with needs. And those women have to be chased by men with big egos. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Sweet Lou? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Octotherp and you curse Ashley and Me. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Octotherp’s project, while pointless, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Sunset Strip. You need me on that Sunset Strip. We use weird letters like MILF, NSA, FWB...we use these letters as the backbone to a life spent chasing something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up an AM profile and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Wow, how did I get from Princess Bride to Jack Nicholson???

Hmmm… and now I am thinking about all this Ashley Madison and blog stuff and how it could connect with Zoolander?

Thoughts anyone?

Sunday Morning Coming Down (on a Monday)

Saw this on another blog (Holly in Wonderland) and thought I would be a copy cat, check out the link and play along.

1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
*   A good dad
*   Well balanced:  570 verbal, 560 math on my SAT's so many year's ago
*   BMI = 24, lost 15 pounds in last year
*   Resting heart rate of 56, got my healthy back
*   I can cook
*   I am a proud graduate of the greatist university in the world ******** ****.  Sorry but want to keep  that on the down low for now :)
*   I am in better health at ** than I was 10 years ago

2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
*   No debt or at least no unsecured debt
*   "Find me somebody to looooove!" - Someone who inspires me to be great
*   Paul Bettaney - who is that?  Jennifer Connelly's husband.  She has been my "it" girl since Labrinth!
*   8 more inches.... (of heighth that is) so I could have played D-I basketball
*   Having Riff Dog's swagger
*   The time and $'s to be a freelance writer
*   The time to do more traveling

3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
*   Impatience
*   Penny Wise and pound stupid
*   Pretentiousness
*   Living beyond one's means
*   Lack of effort
*   Putting the cart before the horse
*   Using the car as a trash can

4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
*   Stick to one thing
*   Remember that load of laundry in the washing machine
*   Having the balls to tell people off, I'm a lover not a fighter :)
*   Make quick decisions
*   Change the oil in the car every 3K miles
*   Getting things fixed quickly
*   Keep in touch with old friends

5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
*   Jennifer Connelly
*   A national championship for my favorite team
*   A pick-up truck and a convertible Cabriolet - because I like being a contradiction
*   To be like Jeff Foxworthy, a funny Redneck Metrosexual :)
*   A house at the beach
*   If I can't have Jennifer Connelly then I'm OK with Bridgette Fonda or Gabriella Anwar!
*   I'll even settle for Selma Hayek

6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
*   Milk and cookies at 10 pm
*   Anything fried
*   Watching ESPN Classic
*   Chocolate as a pick me up in the afternoon
*   Cereal for dinner
*   Drinking a Rolling Rock on the deck while grilling in the spring (that's not really guilty though just a pleasure)
*   Classic Country Music; "I am a lineman for the county...."

7 - Lust. Seven love secrets.
*   I've been on Ashley Madison almost a year now
*   Most of the time when I have gotten lucky the woman made the first move, I'm shy you know
*   I'm better in writing and in person, but I don't do phone or chat (I'm not really good at it)
*   For me reality is always the best
*   Something about water makes everything better; in it, next to it, in the shower, etc.
*   Fanticized about a bug in my youth - click here if you think I'm weird
*   And I love the accent of my bug lady above!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Something Tells Me You Lost the Plan

So, as I said before, I have mostly dated the girl next door over the years.  I guess if I had a vision of who I would meet on Ashley Madison it would be a 30-something housewife who had a work-a-holic husband who didn’t pay any attention to her and I would fill that void.  If you read my Shannon’s Story blog entries you will see I have certainly learned many lessons over the years through my mistakes.  Alecia was certainly not at all like that and Sandra would be worlds away from that girl next door Suburban mom I expected to meet.

So it’s Wednesday and I had my first date with my second Ashley Madison lady.  You see, I told you there would be more to the story!  I was a bit apprehensive because while I really enjoyed talking to Sandra I was not sure if I would be physically attracted to her based on my preconceived notions of age.  Hopefully I would find myself wrong.

I made it to the restaurant a few minutes early and I had to wait.  I was watching from inside the front door of the restaurant for Sandra.  The restaurant was at the back of a plaza with parking across the plaza from the restaurant so I would be able to see her when she arrived.  About 5 minutes after 2 pm (when we were to meet) I saw a BMW pull up with what looked like a female driver.

When the driver stepped out I knew it was Sandra!  She was talk, blonde, and wearing a very tight black dress with French maid-like stockings, black high heels, and sunglasses.  She immediately projected an air of confidence.  I walked out to greet her and she had a very pleasant smile.  I don’t know why but this shy regular guy seems to attract these supremely confident women – who knew?

We walked into the restaurant and sat in the bar area at one of those tall Bistro-style tables.  We ordered two glasses of wine and some appetizers (calamari and bruschetta).

Sandra was thoroughly entertaining and interesting.  She has her own Interior Design business that keeps her as busy as she needs to be.  She is also very savvy and knowledgeable about finance, politics, sports, and any number of things.  She is a bit of a day trader and seemed to know what she was talking about when we talked about it.  She also loves the NFL and apparently is very successful at betting.  She is a real lady though and apparently has a real weakness for vintage dresses on eBay and stuff on etsy.  I guess to best describe her, she is a Mad Men type of lady and I say that because she said she loves the show.  She also is an avid cook and wine aficionado!  And of course I could listen to those airline stories forever J

I knew of Sandra’s interest in politics from our e-mails and I had brought a signed book by a famous politician from her home state.  I was just lucky to have that little token in my style inventory!  She seemed very delighted at the thought.

Sandra had also been a body builder when she was married to husband #2 (also a bodybuilder).  But now, with husband #3 she was as she said before a “Trophy Wife.”  Well I was certainly going to be glad to run off with this trophy if given the chance!

Up close she was very beautiful as well.  She admitted to having some work done, what “Trophy Wife” wouldn’t!  And she had very large beautiful dark eyes you could just sink into.  She was very warm and kind and while she was very confident she made me feel very much at ease.  As I said before, everything seemed natural and it didn’t take on that interview feel.  I think the benefit here with age and experience was that Sandra was not new to this game; she knew what she wanted, probably could easily see a fake, and generally was just looking for someone she enjoyed.  And I hoped I would be that person.

I saw a movie recently where the main character said “I don’t do whys.”  It was very refreshing to spend time with someone and not focus on the whys of our lives but share more in the hopes and aspirations.

Two hours would go by quickly and I had to leave.  I was going to be out of town the following week so we didn’t set any second date plans other than that I would call when I got back and that there would be a second date.

I walked Sandra to her car.  We said a few pleasantries and she said “give me a kiss before you go.”  And so I did and she didn’t just give me a peck back, she pulled me in and gave me a long soft kiss.  As she let me go she said “you smell good, can’t wait to see you again handsome” and smiled.  I watched her drive away and she smiled and waved.

Yes, this does look like a good thing J

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

It Seems a Shame You Waste Your Time on Me

Shannon’s Story – Part I

If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  I will tell you ahead of time that I envisioned this blog entry a long time ago and have been writing and coming back to it for a while.  Since part of this blog is to reflect on my experiences and perhaps refine my perspective I had thought it would be interesting to write a blog entry that my wife might write if she was doing this.  For me this is an interesting exercise since I have always prided myself on being able to play Devil’s Advocate in all situations.  And not that Shannon is a villain in my story but I always enjoy a story more when all characters are developed even the antagonists.  I guess in my case I am shooting for something like Dangerous Liaisons where we’re all flawed in some way!  So here is my stab at Shannon’s story, it may take a few parts but it is my best effort and certainly allows me to be the ultimate Devil’s advocate.  I eagerly await and seek feedback!

Shannon speaking….
I got married way too early, two years after college.  Ryan was the first guy I ever dated who had a real job.  He was the first guy I wanted my parents to meet and that they liked.  In the past that might have been a turnoff but at that point in my life that was what I thought I wanted.

I had some interesting boy-friends in high school and college.  There was the college guy I dated in high school that wanted to drop out and marry me.  He was cute and a good musician but the thought of marriage at 18 was spooky.  Then there was Anders who I met in college.  He was a musician as well.  He is actually in a fairly successful band now.  But at the time he seemed like he was going nowhere.  I have “googled” Anders a few times recently and thought of what life would be like with him but his band mostly tours in Europe and as fascinating as that would be at first, I know that isn’t the life I would want right now.  Another guy I went out with (E) played baseball but was basically an alcoholic and I finally had enough.  I recently “googled” him as well and he is a journalist.

Just when I broke up with E, I met Ryan at work.  He was good looking although a bit geeky but confident and everyone at work thought he was the young guy going places.  And that is what I was looking for at the time.  It sounds funny now but an attraction at the time was that he could afford to take me to the beach and pay for a condo.

The first time we had sex was a little awkward.  I could tell he was nervous.  He almost sprinted to the bed from the bathroom after putting on his condom.  But that weekend was fun.  We walked along the beach; he took me to nice restaurants.  Soon after he took me to his hometown and I met his parents and a lot of his college friends.  His family is the exact opposite of mine.  My dad is very outgoing and is the life of the party.  Eating a meal with Ryan’s family is like having dinner in front of Face the Nation or Sports Center as he and his dad debate all the great topics of the ages!  One funny thing I remember is when one of his fraternity friends came up to me and said “we are glad to meet you, we always thought Ryan was secretly gay.” I told Ryan and he laughed and said his friend Tom was just joking.

Ryan got a promotion a few months after we started dating and was going to move to another state.  I remember the day he left I cried most of the day.  We didn’t break up, we just left things unresolved which would be a pattern we would repeat over and over again.  But we talked almost nightly and Ryan surprised me when he sent me a list of colleges near him with Master’s degree programs.  I had been accepted to graduate school a year earlier but didn’t have the money for school at the time.  I guess the thought was that I would go to school near him and we would stay together.

We started meeting about every other weekend in a town about half way.  However, one weekend I bought a plane ticket to fly to where Ryan lived.  The jerk was late picking me up from the airport by about 30 minutes.  I mean, this guy was going to have sex for the first time in 2 weeks and he looses track of time?  Give me a break, I should have flown back right then.  But I didn’t, I stayed and he was pretty nice.  He rented a car for me to use while he was at work and one night he got a room in a historic bed and breakfast nearby.

On one of our weekend middle of the way visits Ryan surprised me when he asked me to marry him.  Well he didn’t exactly ask me to marry him.  We had talked about where I might live if I went to school near him.  As we were discussing I mentioned that my parents would not like it if we lived together.  So that night as we sat on the bed in the hotel room Ryan said “I know a way we can live together” and was smiling.  I had to say “are you asking?”  He said “yes.”  And then I said yes.  In Ryan’s usual logical manner he had purchased a necklace and matching earrings.  I said they were beautiful but why did you get these (secretly wondering why he didn’t have a ring)?  Ryan said he was not sure if I would say yes but wanted to have something to give me and that he would purchase an engagement ring as soon as he could.  He did buy a ring for the next time we met but at the time I found it odd.

So about one year after we started dating, Ryan and I got married.  And we moved to the very small town in the Deep South where he now worked.

Life there was very difficult.  I was driving about 1 hour to school and knew nobody.  I was very young and this was supposed to be my time but now I was a wife.  One day I was alone in our apartment while Ryan was at work and I just started crying.  “Is this the only person I will have sex with for the rest of my life!”

After 2 very difficult years of life in that little Southern town Ryan started to look for jobs back in the Mid-Atlantic.  I was starting to break down and we both knew we had to leave or something bad would happen soon.  The only question left was, could we leave soon enough?

to be continued…..

Saturday, February 19, 2011

It's Not Like Years Ago, the Fear of Getting Caught

A lovely song by Michael Stipe about skinny dipping outside of Athens, GA and somewhat analogous here I guess.  Mostly I just heard it on the way to work the other day and it put me in a peaceful mood.  And sham on me for waiting this long to have an REM lyric title as they are probably my all time favorite band.  But of course it’s always hard to decipher the lyrics so maybe that is why I have not used any thus far J

After getting back home from our weekend wedding trip I was delighted to see an e-mail in my inbox Monday morning from Sandra with her telephone number.  She said to call around 2 pm.  Of course that made the day longer in anticipation of that first conversation.  At 2:05 pm I called (didn’t want to seem too eager) but the number was not in service L  I e-mailed and apparently she had transposed a number so I redialed and a very pleasant voice said “hello” at the other end.

From our AM notes it seemed like we already knew each other well from similar experiences in similar areas of the country.

She told me several old war stories from her travels as an airline attendant.  One was an interesting story about being fondled by a famous TV sports analyst that she viewed as really comical (I guess because the person in question has become somewhat of a caricature over the years).  Anyway, all her stories were very interesting and again I found myself listening more than talking.

She also talked at length about her many animals that were in fact her “children.”

Unlike Alecia, Sandra didn’t have probing questions for me.  She seemed to accept why I was on AM.  She was more interested in my career, hobbies, life experiences, etc.  The conversation was very relaxing and enjoyable and didn’t have that interview-feel that you tend to get in this type of environment.

Of course we did trade some AM war stories.  I said I had met one lady but didn’t reveal that we had sex.  I said we had many aspects of our lives in common for this small area and decided not to move on.  That is probably the truth from Alecia’s perspective so it was not an outright misrepresentation from mine J

From Sandra’s telling she had apparently met about three men.  Most seemed older and fairly affluent.  Sandra also said she was on AM because she had recently ended an affair with an older, foreign man.  And through this discourse I realized that she understood “the paradox of local,” meaning it is better to meet halfway than to have an affair with the girl/boy next door.  Of course the war stories flowed into admissions on our part about our profiles.  I came clean and admitted that I was 3 years older than my profile (only off by 7% of actual age and well within acceptable limits I believe) J

Luckily, Sandra didn’t flinch at all; in fact she said she was actually 49.  Oh cool, she doesn’t mind my little misrepresentation!   Wait, did she say 49 as in 40 + 9!  Gulp, that’s a bit different from the 41 that was on her profile.

Hmm…, I wrote previously that Suzanne was older than me and a grandmother and that felt odd so how do I feel now?

Yes! Yes!  I know, so now you are thinking me a total creep and hypocrite.  It’s OK for the guy to chase younger women but let a woman in her late 40’s chase a younger man and something is wrong so she is referred to as a Cougar!  Ryan you are a total JERK!

Well, I agree, please read on as of course this story has been an education from the start.  And I am always for playing Devil's Advocate even when I aim it at myself!

In fact I didn’t linger on the thought of her being older and a grandmother for long because she was so interesting.  Sandra did say she listed herself as 41 because she didn't want "dirty old men" writing to her.  So that made me feel good; obviously I am neither "dirty" or "old!"

Toward the end of our call Sandra said she would send more pictures which she did.  Now I mentioned earlier about being careful with pictures.  Certainly many women will send pictures that are not at all like they are in real life (e.g. the picture is 10 years or 20 pounds old).  But with Sandra I learned the opposite can be true.  Her profile picture on AM was OK.  After e-mailing a few times she sent me another picture that again was at best OK.  But unlike Suzanne there was just something about her.  Something told me to move forward.  Sandra said later that she purposefully sent poor pictures to test if men were really interested – a good strategy!

So at the end of our conversation we set a date for a late lunch on Wednesday at a Chili’s type place in a town between us.  So things look good!

Over the next few days I found myself “googling” late 40-something actresses.  You know Michelle Phieffer, Rene Russo, Sharon Stone, Julianne Moore all around 50 and all hot – this might be good, and I am always an advocate for education!  I do call her Sandra here because she looks a bit like Sandra Bullock, although she says she hates when people tell her she looks like Sandra Bullock.  However, for Halloween apparently she always goes as Marilyn Monroe which I do believe she can pull off!  Except at 5 foot 10 she is much taller.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

You are the Reason I've Been Waiting All These Years

This is my first attempt at writing an entry directly onto Blogger.  I have generally stayed about 3 posts ahead in a word document and cut and paste onto the blog.  But it has been a busy week and I am behind but I wanted to stay at 2 posts per week, that just seems like a good pace.  I will try to get the second phase of my Sandra story written ASAP.

Anyway, I was watching Bandslam with the family last night.  Which, if you don't mind delving into the teen world, is actually a very good movie.  It is the first movie I have seen in a long time that ventures back to the look and feel of those 80's classics like Breakfast Club that I grew up on.  I cringe when I say this but at the end there is an excellent version by Ms. HSM herself Vanessa Hudgins of the 70's Bread song "I Would Do Anything for You."  Just call me Ry4an (the 4 is silent) from now on.  Although the ska version in Bandslam is more like Boy George's version from the 80's if you are a YouTube addict.  As I am saying this I am identifying with the geeky male lead of the movie Will Burton who is a music connoisseur as I am.  I have to respect a character who's musical tastes run from Wichita Lineman to Velvet Underground!

So anyway, after the movie I did some YouTube surfing for versions of "I Would do Anything" but then went in other directions.  I ended on some songs from one of my all time favorite movies Fandango (an early Kevin Costner classic).  The title lyrics above are from an Eric Clapton/Steve Winwood (Blind Faith) song that is in the movie.  However what captured my attention was the ending scene which seems to fit a blog about Ashley Madison.  An ending scene where a guy has a final dance with an old girlfriend who just got married to his best friend and its touching!  My guess is that in Fandango II the girl has been happily married for about 15 years but then finds out about AM and tries to find that old spark she got when she was with Kevin Costner :)  Just a thought?  Anyway, great scene and great music from Pat Metheney (see below).  Again, I start on one theme and go to another, I guess I can't stay on message so I'll never be a politician.

So, "how about a Fandango!"

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Ashley Madison Day (Feb 15th)!

Or:  I wish I was a Teddy Bear Not Livin' or Lovin' nor Goin' Nowhere


By the way, I am glad adding the “Adult Content” warning hasn’t seemed to keep down my blog hits.  I am a big stats guy at work and life so I have enjoyed pouring over the endless stats that Blogger generates.  However, the other day I saw where “Baha Men Stanley” was listed as a Search Keyword source for my blog.  I then had this horrible thought that some kid searching for information on the Disney kids cartoon My Man Stanley might be directed to my blog entry about first reading Ashley and Me (7th post on 12/16, “Who Let the Dogs Out…) where I make reference to the Baha men singing the shows theme song.  So as a result of my paranoia I added the adult content warning even though I don’t think I am really bad with potty mouth. J  Of course any kid can still click on accepting adult content but as they say “a lock only keeps and honest man honest.”  At least I did my part.  Anyway “Blond Beach Bunny” is currently the #1 Keyword Search with 6 hits so far.

OK, the real point of today’s blog is while today is a National Holiday celebrating love, tomorrow will be a day to celebrate affairs!?  Last May over 30,000 women signed up to Ashley Madison on the day after Mother’s Day.  I speculate that tomorrow many women (and men) upon being dissatisfied with the romance in their current marriage/relationship will dip their toes into the infidelity waters and sign up for Ashley Madison.

I wonder what the over/under is on AM enrollments for tomorrow?

Another thought, Blue Mountain needs to come up with some Ashley Madison Day e-cards.  I have a few ladies I would like to send one to!

But just in case you thought I was a total jerk, Shannon did get a dozen roses this morning with some chocolate and a nice bottle of a Sonoma Pinot and we will be at a nice restaurant tonight.  It won’t get me anywhere but any great ball player always runs out those infield grounders.  Who knows when you might get lucky?

Friday, February 11, 2011

She Can Do as She Pleases, She’s Nobody’s Fool

Or “I’m Baaaack in the Saddle Again!” – Part IV

Most of my life I have tended to find myself with “the girl next door” type, I think because I come across as very regular and dependable and nice.  In fact, if you took all of the women I have ever dated over my life, you would probably yield a median of about 5’5,” brunette, petite, and a bit artsy/slightly alternative (e.g. they like the Cure/Depeche Mode and stuff like that).  When I looked at Ms. Blond Power’s profile she seemed totally different yet in a good way.

She was blonde, by the way, 5’10,” 145#, 41 and said she led a very fast paced life and needed a man who could keep up.  Her profile picture was a side view of her face laughing with her head slightly back, a bit Marilyn Monroe’esque. She looked very happy and confident.  In fact her caption said “Can you keep up!”  She said she liked a confident man with a sense of humor but not one who was smug.  She said she loved sports, politics, cooking, and had traveled a lot in her life.  All the things I like, that’s great!

So I wrote her and said among other things:

I love the outdoors and enjoy being active, I love to cook for or with someone special, and have worked in many parts of the country.  I love sports and politics but enjoy different opinions.  I know I can be great; I just need the right person to energize me!  Now there, isn’t that confident without being smug! J

I happened to write her on the day before I went away to a family friend’s wedding for the weekend.  I was delighted when I checked my e-mail at the hotel’s business center that evening and had received a note back from Ms. Blond Power.  And by then I knew to always look for those even numbers of replies, meaning 1 – priority mail opened notice and 2 - reply.

In her note back, Ms. Blond Power said she had been an airline stewardess for much of her life and was now from her definition a “Trophy Wife.”  She said her name was Sandra and she ended her note with “Smiles!”  I liked that.

Additionally, she said I had a nice smile (from my private photos).  I have gotten that comment about four times now.  Which brings me to a rare editorial, there is a memorable scene in the movie Singles when Bridgett Fonda says “I just want a guy who says bless you when I sneeze.”  What you find on AM is what many women want here can be very small, a guy who is a great kisser or has a nice smile.  You see great abs are everywhere and only cost the price of a Gold’s Gym membership to see every day.  A lot of women on AM are in fact married to nice looking guys who make plenty of money.  But they want the simple things that have been lost.  Someone who smiles with delight when they walk into a room or a great kiss that lingers indefinitely.

OK, so my point is and as I said before, don’t waste time on your great abs pics, give ‘em a great smile that says you’re a fun person to spend time with!

To digress even more, when I was thinking of a title for this entry I had that “No More Sandra Dee” in my head from Grease but that didn’t seem to fit.  Then I “googled” Sandra lyrics and found a Barry Manilow song which definitely was no good.  But I did read the lyrics of Sandra by Barry Manilow and those lyrics reminded me of the Billy Joel song above and that seemed to fit my mood although Sandra is much nicer than the lady in that song

So it was déjà vu all over again.  Just a month prior over the Memorial Day weekend I had spent a weekend sending notes back and forth to Alecia as time allowed from a hotel business center computer.  So now I was getting the You’ve Got Mail feeling again!

I scored more humor and traveling knowledge points when I said:

“At 5 ft 10 inches I hope you were never on regional jets as a stewardess!”

Sandra replied:  “I always worked first class!”  To which I replied “but of course!

It also turned out that Sandra had grown up in a small town where I used to work.  In fact it seemed as if we had been spinning around each other for the past 2 decades with all the places we had been.

So by the end of the weekend I had her personal e-mail and we had discussed getting together over the phone the following week.  Things were looking up for once and I truly did get that back in the saddle again feeling!

Monday, February 7, 2011

You Were Only Waiting for this Moment to Arise

Or “I’m Baaaack in the Saddle Again!” – Part III

Who said Paul could only write silly love songs!

So after a week I have it factored down to Ms. Beatlemania and Blond Power or rather I had been factored down to those two ladies.  Although a consolation prize would seem an insult and understatement to Ms. Beatlemania and Ms. Blond Power.

Ms Beatlemania was looking for someone intelligent, with sharp wit and enjoyed sarcasm; she listed both bad boy and guy next door as a preference and apparently liked music.  She said she was athletic and enjoyed the outdoors.

Among other things I wrote:

I’m writing to you, that must make me intelligent…  You want a Bad Boy Next Door?  Are you looking for someone with a split personality?  Hey you did say you liked sarcasm J

So with that I got a nice note back from Beatlemania.  She said my note made her laugh.  She said she preferred personal e-mail and she gave me her’s (pbest@****.com) and said her name was Christine.

I then scored some more humor points when I asked if she was still bitter over being kicked out of the band!  Yes, her e-mail did reference a past member of the band.

She said she had a very hectic life with work and kids.  She apparently prepared proposals for a defense contractor just outside the beltway and said “I could tell you about it but I would have to kill you! J  Good to see someone with humor!  Maybe she’s the one who has those bargain basement $1,000 screw drivers the Army uses!  She also said she occasionally was known to curse like a sailor.  Interesting!  And while her profile listed her as in Virginia she actually lived in Maryland.  I was finding out one could usually assume there was as much creativity in any woman’s profile as one would find in mine.  However, it was becoming an interesting dance as I found out about the ladies I wrote too and as they found out about me.  In fact the dance was almost as fun as the actual eventual meeting.  Did I say meeting?  I hope that means I actually meet another woman J

On one of her follow up e-mails she sent some pictures of herself.  Now in an earlier blog entry I mentioned being careful about pictures as they can over and under represent.  In Ms. Beatlemania’s situation her first picture was underwhelming, one of those quickie I Phone pictures shot at arm’s length.  But a second round of photos had a very inviting picture of her lounging on the front of a sail boat looking over her shoulder at the camera with a nice smile.  Point here; don’t put too much emphasis on early photos (positive or negative).

After we e-mailed several times we had a tentative after work drink scheduled.  Unfortunately Ms. Beatlemania self-selected to drop out of AM abruptly and again I didn’t hear back.

So I had now gone from bonanza to one option.  But sometimes in life the cream does rise to the top!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

She Won’t Waste Her Time on Elementary Talk

Or “I’m Baaaack in the Saddle Again!” – Part II

As I mentioned before Ciao Bella and Elegant Lady in Red had dropped the Sugar Daddy reference in their profiles.  And I being still a relative neophyte to AM didn’t really let the term sink in – although the cost of those priority messages and following notes was well worth the tuition paid.  You know at this point I was still “googling” NSA, BBF, and other abbreviations to find out the meaning J

Anyway Wiki says Sugar Daddy means:

“A slang term for a rich man who offers money or gifts to a less rich younger person in return for companionship or sexual favors.”

Now if you were to check the W-2 I just got the other day you will see the IRS thinks I make plenty of money.  And of course lunch/dinner, wine, small gifts, etc. are no issue for me!  The unfortunate challenge for me is most of the family bills (e.g. mortgage, car payments) are direct pay from Good Ole’ Ryan’s personal checking account.  Of course that leaves Shannon with plenty of discretionary income for her hobbies and little for mine so I fall a little short of the Sugar Daddy hurdle rate (meaning ski vacation to Aspen are not likely to be on the menu if you are going out with Mr. Beaumont). J

If you want some good reading on Sugar Daddies and other challenging ladies, Riff Dog has some very insightful analysis on the subject (see below):

Bye the way, I really enjoy Claire’s little blog as well, when is she going to get out again?

So back to the story.

ElegantLadyinRed had a very seductive looking picture of her from the neck down wearing a black corset, thin black silky underwear, garter, and black high heels with a hint of long red hair hanging just below the neck line and standing in front of a bed.  She was the first single lady I had written to and listed herself as 46, 5’6,” and 110# with curves in all the right places and with that picture she looked great on paper!

She had two very long paragraphs on her perfect matches and interests.  She said she was most turned on by a mature (over 50) gentleman, who is confident but not arrogant, well groomed, and has good manners and was looking for someone married.  She was looking to form a long term relationship with a gentleman who is interested in and has the means to be a benefactor.  She said she enjoyed classical music, opera, travel, was an avid runner and loved winter sports and vacations and would never turn down a fabulous dinner or bottle of Italian red!  She said she had long legs, perfectly manicured hands and feet, loved sexy lingerie but dressed conservatively on the outside including St. John’s suites and Manolo Blahnik heels.  At the end she says “let’s fall in love each time we meet, xoxo!”

And my thoughts - That’s great; I don’t have to guess her shoes this time, where do I sign up!

OK, so I am not over 50 (wow, that’s the first time I have been too young – I think I said something to that affect in my first message), am not a great skier, not really into opera, and probably am not pulling in the type of income to really put me into the “benefactor” tax bracket!  But I love a challenge.  And she did say she liked college basketball so if that is her top priority I may still be in the game!

So I write to her and give her some of my best cuisine lingo, let her know I like red wine as well, tell her about the charming town I live in, and let her know that I am in fact an “old soul in a young fit body!”  And of course that I am an expert in college basketball.  Lo and behold she does write back!  She says:

“thanks for your well thought out introduction….what do you envision us doing together…? I do not have a vehicle so while ****ville sounds lovely I would not be traveling to see you often…”

And she ends her note with “hugs and kisses, E Red,” I love it!

To answer her question, I say:

“walks along the river, afternoons over a bottle of wine at a local vineyard, a great restaurant in Georgetown, or a show at the Kennedy Center.  Someone to escape with and create our own world with our rules and parameters!”

She writes back the next day.

“Your offer is generous but I am not looking for a traditional boy friend of friend with benefits, we are not a match.”

I can’t believe that, and I said I had a buddy that could get me good Redskins tickets!  Oh well, I guess that would be a “friend with benefits! (FWB)” not a Sugar Daddy (SD) J  Anyway, I always appreciate candor!

She’s a (bump) (bump) 20th Century Fox!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Should I Try to Do Some More; 25 or 6 to 4

Or “I’m Baaaack in the Saddle Again!” – Part I

A song about writing a song (in this case at 3:35 in the morning).  Maybe I should write a blog entry about writing a blog entry.  “Searching for something to say….”

And of course followed by some Aerosmith lyrics!

OK, first I should give a big thank you to Riff Dog for mentioning my humble blog in Ashley and Me.  Or is it that people just became about 1,000% more interested in my blog?  No, I think I have to give credit to the power of THE DOG!

You know the movie Platoon has an interesting form of narration where Charley Sheen is the hybrid narrator as he writes letters to his grandmother.  In some sense maybe these Ashley Madison Adventures are letters to the Big Dawg, the Minister of Mojo, the Master of the Kwan, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla – Riff Dog.  Sorry, I guess I need to clean that brown off my nose. J  But seriously, thank you Riff, enjoy your time off, and come back soon – I am sure we will all soon be in need of some more inspiration!

As we get into late June I get my mojo back when I get a wink from Asiriga.  So I venture back out into the world of Ashley Madison with my public profile now flashing!  In that last week of June I send out about 15 notes and I guess summer must just be a good time or I was just hitting my stride because I get 5 responses back.  They are Beatlemania, Ciao Bella, ElegantLadyinRed, Blonde Power, and of course Asiriga.

So I am conversing with 5 females – hot damn!  However, as always the pool does rapidly decline.  As my previous post shows, it didn’t take long for me to realize that Asiriga aka Ekaterina was a no-go.

Of the remaining 4, Ciao Bella and E Red were the most intriguing but were looking for “Sugar Daddies” not friends with benefits so probably the least likely candidates (I’ll talk more about that later).  But my attitude is the cost of a priority message is a drop in the bucket if it leads to a good time!

Ciao Bella is apparently a “traveling lady” as she lists her home in Chicago but had come up within my 50 miles radius on the advanced search.  She did in fact say she traveled internationally and had extended stays in New York, Chicago, and Miami but was currently in DC through July, how enchanting!

She had a black and white photo of her long, lean, sexy legs slightly crossed and angling toward the camera as she was apparently sitting on the edge of a bed.  She said she was not looking to train anyone so she “didn’t desire any young gentlemen.”  She enjoyed an occasional cigar and cognac after dinner and appreciated a man who enjoyed as well.  She wanted someone with wit, class, and style and that you could display you knowledge and refinement by telling her the type of shoes she was wearing.  How creative!  The only problem is I am not too refinedL, but sometimes I can pretend and I have certainly seen enough episodes of “Sex in the City” so I take a stab in my message at saying she is wearing Blahniks (‘cause her legs look just as good as Carrie’s in those shoes).  I should at least get some credit for reading her profile don’t you think!  The shoes were pretty thin and stylish and the high heels look like they could be used as a piercing weapon so I think it was a pretty good guess.

I had said something about music, food, and ballet in my note as well and I do get a reply.  She asks what type of music I like and says her name is Francesca.  Ah, now I am fantasizing Francesca as a beautiful Italian girl just like the girl Michael Corleone marries in Sicily in the Godfather (Appolonia)!

Now as you can tell I am pretty all over the charts on music preference so answering honestly you might think me crazy.  I hedge a bit and say I enjoy 80/90’s Alt Rock, Classic Country, and I do love World Music such as Putomayo, etc – something just told me she might like that better than Johnny Cash.  We exchanged a few messages over the week about food, travel, work, etc.  But ultimately, I guess our preferences didn’t connect because after those few AM notes I didn’t here back from her.

Oh well, maybe I should have guessed Jimmy Choo shoes J

So let’s move over to lady #3, a dazzling, charming, and Elegant Lady that just seems to come off as British to me.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

She Keeps Moet et Chandon In a Pretty Cabinet

What great lyrics and now to disappoint you with a fairly mundane blog post.  OK, I did a food blog on the fly the other week and since we have a National Holiday this Sunday (yes Super Bowl Sunday is a Nation Holiday in America) I think I should do some quick easy recipes you can try for Sunday.  I may start throwing in some food posts down the road.  After all I am going to need some filler if I keep this blog going.  You know I can’t have sex with enough women to write about it every week!

You say that this is my 21st post and I have only had sex with one women and what type of fraud am I!  Well check in next week and I promise I will start on Round #2 J

And how do the opening lyrics to Killer Queen relate to tailgate food?  Well as I contemplated this entry all I heard in my head was the stirring classical music and silly narration of those old NFL Films highlight reels.  So then I thought a little further and considered “We Are the Champions.”  But that seemed so obvious and even though I love Queen I actually don’t really like that song.  So I thought I would just go ahead and pick a lyric from my favorite Queen song, Killer Queen.  I am probably wasting this because as I read the lyrics it speaks of my fantasy girl I would love to meet on AM (yes I can be a glutton for punishment), although I don’t think AM would be the lair of the Killer Queen Lady!  Of course who knows, Freddy Mercury may have been talking about a guy :(

So here are some simple tailgate type recipes and stuff anybody should be able to do!  Call me the Ashley Madison Gourmet!  BAAM!

Easy Chili (that doesn’t take all day):

Brown 1 pound of hamburger together with half of an onion in a large skillet (note:  you can substitute ground Turkey or Morningstar Farms Veggie Crumbles if you are into health)

Add 1 tbs of chili powder when hamburger fully cooked

Gently Stir in one 8 oz can of tomato sauce

Add 2 cans of Kidney Beans (or substitute 1 can with Black Beans, 3-Bean Salad Beans, or other for variety)

Add salt, pepper, cumin, and more chili powder to taste and bring to gentle simmer for about 10 minutes

Serve w/Nachos and grated Monterey (Pepper) Jack cheese

Your Basic Easy Wings:

Make a basic Roux by combining 1 pound of butter with 2 pounds of flour.  Do this by melting butter in sauce pan then turn down heat to low and gently stir in flour until forming a batter-like mixture.

Stir Tabasco into Roux until it takes a thin gravy-like texture and cool – keep stirring throughout the process.

Defrost Chicken wings and toss in any dry mix you may prefer. 

Once Tabasco Roux is cooled toss wings into mix until fully coated.

Bake wings in oven at 400 for approximately 45 minutes or until crispy on outside.  Turn wings over at halfway point to cook evenly.

Blackbean Casserole:

Prepare your basic white minute rice (or if your exotic some Basmati) and layer into a casserole dish.

Next, add a layer of black beans season with taco seasoning, green chilies, roasted red peppers, or anything else you like.

Add layer of grated cheddar-jack cheese and sprinkle green onions on top           

Bake for about 20 minutes on 350, Add fresh cilantro on top

Crab Pico De Gallo Bruschetta:

            Preheat oven @ 325 & line a sheet pan w/parchment paper
Toss ½ pound of fresh crabmeat; ½ of a diced green, red, and orange pepper; ½ of a shallot; 1 minced garlic clove; ½ tbs of fresh cilantro; ½ tps of fresh parsley; ¼ tps coarse sea salt; 1 tsp of garlic infused olive oil; and tsp of lemon juice in a large bowl

Toss cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese into mix

Slice French Bagette on the bias into small ovals with ½ inch thickness

Spoon about 2 tbs of mix onto bagette and sprinkle diced tomato and/or roasted red pepper on top

Bake for 5 to 7 minutes or until cheese is bubbly

If you are a fan of the Packers I suggest buying some Johnsonville Brats and a 6 pack of Old Milwaukee and soaking the brats overnight and grilling out (note if you are a Packer fan you won’t mind grilling out on the deck in this balmy weather).  If you are a Steelers fan go out and get a sandwich from Primanti’s or get some pirogues from your local frozen foods section and nuke ‘em!

Since I don’t care for either team I will give my Super Bowl prediction for next year.

Redskins 24 Ravens 17

Do they still do Bud Bowl?

By the way for those few who don’t care about the game check this site out!

My other early prediction, Danica and Go Daddy take the “Buzz” award!

And listen to the stirring music below while you are cooking.