Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Well Some Things are Hard to Say

As you know I'm bad about ripping other people off.  Just last week I stole an idea from Sassy and incorporated it into my FFF for the week.  Why think of new stuff when I can let others think for me!

But one thing I do enjoy about Sassy's blog is the daily dialouge between her and Phil.  Truthfully, I don't really look for the sexy stuff so much just the common everyday life stuff.  I actually am always intrigued by everyday life.  I am often most happy with the gentle banter of everyday life and the ways Sandee is able to fit into mine.

With that in mind I will steal Sassy's schtick for today and give you a "cut and paste" version of a text conversation between us just the other night.  I think it probably depicts who we are better than any hotel hook-up post.

Ryan:  Watchin any scary movies tonight?

Sandee:  No.  All geeky tonight & downloading a new book on my kindle.  Whatcha up to??

Ryan:  At the gym was playing bball earlier with my youngest now on the stairmaster

Sandee:  So that’s how you keep your bod so smokin’ hot

Ryan:  That and watching Oscar beauty tips on TMZ while I’m at the gym

Sandee:  Haha whatever

Ryan:  Speaking of are you watching the Oscars on Sunday?  I don’t think mama got nominated

 *  Note:  We saw that movie about 2 weeks ago

Sanee:  No I’m shocked

Ryan:  Some junky movie about a president and a French revolution got nominated  

Sandee:  Pffft, figures

Ryan:  I still say we need to see silver lining I’m hearing it’s THE movie to take emotional guys to

Sandee:  I agree Now any ideas where I can find an emotional guy???  ;)

Ryan:  OMG I can’t believe you said that I cry at puppies kittens and will Ferrell movies

Sandee:  Ohhhhhhh ryan… You kno I’m teasing you I’d never question your love of will

Ryan:  I still get misty when will tames the cougar in talledega nights

Sandee:  Lol poor baby

Ryan:  So what book are you reading

Sandee:  The third floor

Ryan:  What’s it about

Sandee:  Someone is hiding in a family’s house….you’d prob have nightmares

Ryan:  If it involves birds or spirits it’s not for me.  Any NASCAR?  Gotta head out, have a good night.

Sandee:  You two, good night!  :)

Sometimes silly banter is just so pleasing but is it because some things are hard to say?  Is it really bad luck or bad timing?

Friday, February 22, 2013

FFF - Lighten Up

It's FFF Day over at Advizor's Blog - go check him out!

I'm sure I'm going to hell for celebrating Lent with an orgasm.  I made a clever Lenten promise giving up celibacy.

In college I helped in a church kitchen on occasion.  One night Ms. Bisset helped me keep that promise.

Ms. Bisset is what her CCD and 5th grade kids called her. Perhaps they noticed how pretty she was; though not the attributes I did.

I always stayed late to help her, I'd do anything for a moment within the gaze of her soft brown eyes.

One night those brown eyes held sadness.  After we cleaned up from the last child we were alone in that kitchen.  She said her fiancee gave her a reverse "Dear John" and ran off with some European girl.  As she spoke I fastened to her misty eyes and tears rolling down her soft cheeks.  Toward the end of her tale she leaned into me.  Now affixed to her body I could only let her remain.

We sliped back into a chair behind us.  She straddled me and planted a deep kiss to my mouth and then plunged into my neck, her hands moved to my crotch.  Soon her soft sweater was off and I was amid her luscious breasts.

Clothes scattered about and I gasped for breath as I held on as long as I could.  I wanted her to feel satisfaction as the gorgeous curves of her hips moved over mine.

After, she fell to my chest and we breathed deeply in tandem.  She remained on top of me gently massaging my chest with the tips of her fingers and holding a pensive expression on her face.  I suspect she contemplated her actions.  The warmth of our bodies balanced the coldness of the floor and it occurred to me that likewise my Lenten promise had provided her a brief spell of warmth amid the coldness of her somber mood.

Postscript: (these should not count toward my 250 words although I'm sure I exceeded anyway):

Jessie (Ms. Bisset) and I didn't have another moment like that but we do stay in touch occasionally. She married a Middle School Principle and they have a happy life together.  And I still take my Lenten promises seriously.

Well, we were not complete heretics; we didn't break into the Communion wine!  Sorry I was trying to be funny, it's always been my dream to be on Funnyordie.com!   :)

Two things to reveal about this post.  For some reason I saw this as a church kitchen.  The oven and stove definitely look commercial to me.  Yet it is not a big commercial kitchen such as a large restaurant.  I also noticed the institutional looking brick and the wood flooring that just look like they would be in an old church.  I thought perhaps this could be a small K-12 kitchen or maybe a daycare facility.  Then I thought it might not be too sexy to be having this type of activity in an elementary school.  As a parent I certainly wouldn't approve, even with my open mind.

Then I saw Sassy's post the other day and it spoke to me when she talked about Celibacy and Lent.  I made the connection and am now stealing her thunder.

What a great moral dilemma or paradox or something like that if this couple was getting it on in some church kitchen!

As for the extra credit I don't think Funnyordie.com is really a Tumblr but I like it so there!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Imagine Me and You, I Do

The Setting:  A quaint tavern in Ryan's rustic bedroom community outside DC.  The town is bedazzled in the lights of Christmas and the tavern is full of happy guests.  

As we walked into the room I casually glanced over to her.  She radiated beauty and gleamed with happiness.  I knew we were right where she wanted to be; for once I was right, her prince.  As we walked in she lit up the room, she always does.  She always gets that attention.  I was proud to be with her.  I know women look at her and think she has it all (style, beauty, and class) and men look at me and think I've got it all in her.

Yeah, that is not quite the image of Cinderella when the prince notices the beautiful girl from across the room.  But when you are married you tend to become ONE singular image to the outside world.  You are no longer known as Ryan or Shannon, you are the Beaumonts or really more often ******'s dad or mom.  But if you are having a little soiree and need some witty banter about NASCAR and ribs sprinkled with dialogue on the best facial cremes used by the in-crowd and the coolest styles, gadgets, and reading lists in the New Yorker you'll want to invite the Beaumonts.  I'll let you guess who among Ryan and Shannon is the authority on which subject!  :)

Hey I'm into NASCAR and alternative fuels
What am I talking about today?  Couples dating!

No not that couples dating, I'm not cool like some of those Hot-wifing sites.  I'm just talking about the normal old Honeymooners type stuff.  You know what I mean, the couples you enjoy spending time with.  Really it ends up being just like high school, stressing out over what they think of you, are you right for them, do we measure up to a University professor and an Assistant District Attorney?  Are you an introverted couple or an extroverted couple; alpha or beta?

Hey buddy get your hands off your wife
Yes on that night we were joining a group of parents for our annual gathering as our offspring practiced for their holiday ballet recital.  Yes a night of free after-care!  This was about our third year of doing this and yes Ryan who typically doesn't care to walk to the drum-beat of alpha or beta had organized the first grand fete two years back.  There is Mr and Mrs Lawyer (the younger) and the other Mr and Mrs Lawyer (the elder).  The Elder lawyers are very interesting because no matter where you talk about they have been there and either played golf or skied.  Best thing though is that Mr. Elder Lawyer is a full partner and probably a full on alcoholic and after his 3rd Scotch everything is on him!   There is also Mr IT Analyst and his wife Mrs Doctor.  There is Mrs Marketing Analyst and her husband Mr State Trooper.  Yes quit the nice gang.

Anyway, as I said this is about our third time doing this and the second time which is now about a year and a half ago I mentally thought out a post.  So now here I am actually doing it.

I could be seen with them
It occurred to me that once your married and the kids are old enough to be a little on their own you start to want to get back into the social scene.  And that is when you realize that you need to meet other couples.  You start to think which couples would compliment my passions of NASCAR and BBQ?  Does their hair color and choice of style compliment my Olive green eyes?  Will they accept the fact that I'm fiscally conservative yet still think Mitt Romney should pay some taxes.  Will they get that some things I'm serious as a heart attack over (like Big State U football) and most other things not so much.  Will they understand that I respect their reverence for the environment but NO I ain't givin' up Filet Mignon and that is not an insult to their cause.

Cute but don't make me look bad
Really it gets you to thinking the same way you did back in college.  My ideal couple would be good looking.  They don't have to have big tits.  In fact if she is a C cup I could care less.  But if the dude has big man boobs they are out immediately!  I would like them to be fit.  In fact I'd like to be able to go skiing or perhaps a hike along the Appalachian Trail. But no I ain't doing no triathlons   They don't have to be too smart, in fact to be honest I'd like them smart but not quite as smart as me.  They need to understand sports.  They don't have to be Bobby Knight but at least know what to cheer about.  I can take some alternate views on politics but I don't want them to be too much in my face.

So where does that leave you.  Well back in the day after I had sized up every chick in the DZ and DDD house and turned my nose at everyone I finally settled in on the best looking one that could tolerate me for more than 5 minutes (which means the one that would screw me a second time).  Well, as I said this is not about hot-wifing so in the end the ideal couple is the one who is available and that I can tolerate and who can tolerate me.  See, same as in college.

Actually the song above is pretty special to me.  I remember way back in 3rd grade I had a teacher, Mrs. C. She was very pretty; my first teacher crush.  Thinking back I suspect she had pretty nice tits as well but back then a shy 10 year old boy could develop just a little crush over a sweet smile, long brunette hair, and a lovely voice.  What made me enamored of her was that occasionally she would bring in her guitar and sing to us kiddies.  "Happy Together" was one of the songs I remember her singing and she looked so lovely to my young eyes as she sang.  Funny what I guy will remember.  So this is for you Mrs. C, although I doubt you'd approve of the forum.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

l Have Loved You Dearly

Or "All I Need is the Air that I Breath and to Love You"

OK Ryan be careful what you ask for you might get it.  You asked the ladies what they wanted on Valentine's Day and they have spoken.  And rather than responding individually or in my comments, I'll just respond through a post.

The problem is that what I'm hearing from my female readers is that what you want is to feel special, to be listened to, to be understood.  I am hearing that diamonds are nice but if they are an after-thought and a means to an end, if they are a simple replacement for caring they have no glimmer.  A simple heartfelt note expressing our love and care for you is more meaningful than flowers or chocolate.  To be made the center of our world is what you wish for.  To know that you are in fact as essential as "the air that I breath" is the greatest gift of all.  Dare I say you want to know "that you complete me."  What we need to do is connect our thoughts into a meaningful gift that connects our emotions to who you are as a person.

Wow, simple - why didn't I think of that!

Problem is we have several key words in that paragraph above that don't mesh well with the male mind:  listening, thinking, expressing emotions, planning ahead (from something other than tickets to the Redskins game).  Yikes after that I think that $300 spa certificate sounds a bit more simple to me!  How about I just do that and let's revisit this subject next year.  You know kick the can down the road like they do in congress!   :)

Oh well, as I say marketing is a place we are taken to where opportunity meets desperation.  And therein lies why Mervis Diamonds, Vermont Teddy Bears, Russell Stover Chocolate, and your local spa make out.  You (guy that is) are desperate and that diamond is an easy opportunity to do something less than just express yourself and certainly less than anything approaching a demonstrable act of planning the connection between your thoughts and her love.

Oh well, on another note my daughter is going to her first dance tonight with a date.  The boy is the star of the school's basketball team; very smart, good looking, and can dance.  He has it all.  On Thursday he went to school early and decorated my daughter's desk with all sorts of Valentine's stuff.  When my daughter walked in everyone around the table was staring, it was like a parting of the sea when she walked in.  I could tell by the dinner conversation last night she was mortified and didn't want to talk about it.  Shannon was going on and on about how sweet and thoughtful this boy was.  My daughter was going deeper and deeper into her embarrassment.  I didn't push, I could tell she would have wished for something not so overt and over the top.  The boy will learn, he is OK.  My daughter likes him for who he is so all he needs to be is that guy.  A simple card passed under the table and a smile probably would have been better.  Well, at least we didn't announce what he did for my daughter over Facebook like one of her friend's mom did.

Hey Ryan, I noticed that you realized that the ladies were asking to be cared for, to feel special and here you are just responding to everyone on a post.  It's going to come across like one of those stupid robo-calls or some e-mail chain.  Wouldn't it be better to address each woman individually and let them know how their comment affected you and touched you personally.  How much time would that take and it would make them feel so much more special!

Probably not and thanks to the one fellow blogger who called me out on that!

Hey wait (checking crotch), I'm still a guy; this is way more cheap and efficient!  There you go!  :)

But I do love ya'll dearly.  So take a listen to this ever-cheesy ode to a man's love for his woman.  Notice he's telling her how dearly he loves her as he is getting on a boat and sailing away.  Damn guys!

And here is that Hollies song:

Thursday, February 14, 2013

'Cause You Got Me Flyin' with Ur Love

Happy Valentine's Day!
Your input needed!  See directions below!
This is my 6th post this month and thus far I've re-posted two old posts, used Kat's Chain for source material, got Ponyboy to write half of a post for me, and cut and pasted a recipe from a New Orleans on-line culinary magazine.  Pretty lazy, right?  Surely, I'll get back to actually doing something here!

Nope.  First though I want to do another re-post of sorts or really just link to a past Valentine's Day post (here).  My after-Valentine's Day post from 2011 is actually my most viewed post of all time at over 600 direct hits.  Because the title is Happy Ashley Madison Day just about anyone "googling" Ashley Madison gets to my blog at this post.  So it tends to be the unfortunate door many wayward travelers enter into my silly little Adventures.  Anyway, that post talks about how the day after Valentine's Day is always a big day for Ashley Madison.  So all you dudes should take a look tomorrow on AM because all those ladies that are underwhelmed by their guys today might be looking for you tomorrow!  :) 

But let me now get to the point of my post today which involves more laziness.  Today I actually want YOU, all my loyal friends and followers, to write my post!  Well not actually the guys just the ladies.

What I want all you ladies to tell us guys is, what do we need to do today so that you won't be turning to Ashley Madison tomorrow.  Wait, guys don't think that far ahead.  So tell us what we need to do today to get you into that same mood Cher Lloyd has in that song below (meaning hot sexy romance)!  :)

"psst, shave with this and she'll blow you!"
Let me preface this by saying the world of marketing sends us guys a lot of mixed signals and because we are naturally dim we need some guidance.

Here are some of the examples I have seen that imply that their product will get me laid:

Vermont Teddy Bear:  I was at the gym last night and saw a commercial for these teddy bears.  Apparently if you buy your lady a life sized bear she will jump into bed in her slinky teddy (women's apparel that is), hug her teddy (bear), and then I assume be ready for you to jump on top of her.  Seems to me a stretch unless you are one of those weird "furry"-liking types.  But what do I know maybe teddy bear does = sex but I doubt it.

Mervis diamonds scare me!  :(
Diamonds:  OK so this is a traditional go-to item.  Apparently, according to one commercial if you ask your lady to marry her on an airplane the stewardess will announce to everyone "he went to Jared."  I assume next you get to join the mile high club.  If you are from the DC area you'll be familiar with Mervis Diamonds.  They have the confidance or audacity to have a phone number 1-800-HER-LOVE.  However, based on what I've heard from the radio that Zed Mervis dude from the commercials gives me the mental image of that evil Nazi Major from Raiders of the Lost Ark!  I do like that slogan though, "nobody pays retail anymore, why should you."  I personally like Ron Whites diamond tag line the best though, "diamonds; that'll shut her up."  Anyway, I send it out to you; will diamond do the trick?

Flowers:  I know FTD sure thinks this is the trick but is something that will wilt in three days the message you want to communicate?  Definitely need some help here ladies?

Chocolate:  As they say "a moment on the lips; a lifetime on the hips."  Does this send the right message?  Perhaps a chocolate bath would be better, IDK.  According to a Russell Stover comercial I saw yesterday their cheap ass chocolate will turn any blond or brunette into a sweet Ganache.  Is that true?

Do the Dishes?:  I saw this on Huffington Post (here).  OK, I'm a left of center guy but I do have to say this seems like some pointed-headed BS from people who don't get laid a lot!  But it sure is cheaper than diamonds!  What say you!  :)

Cruise Ships:  I just added this one in for *hits and giggles.  Oh right, if you were on that one Canival Cruise ship you would only be able to giggle right now because you know there is no place to, well, let's just says it sounds bad out there.  Talk about envirnonmental waste, who's going to clean that *hit up!  :(

So ladies please tell us guys what we need to do to be "flyin' with ur love!"  Here is your big chance, don't tell us tomorrow we didn't ask!  :)

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Through the Mississippi Darkness Rolling Down to the See

I'm the train they call the City of New Orleans....

Happy Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps rouler!
What I said for Mardi Gras (2011) here and 2012 (here) 
I have to admit I am stealing this from an actual restaurant and one I saw on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.  But who cares, I love NOLA cusine and I love to party so here goes!

Parasol's Style Roast Beef Po' Boy Sandwich
Wiki says the Louisiana Po' Boy sandwich originated in the very late 19th century when a local baker began making the bread that would ultimately be the trademark of the sandwich.  The name of the sandwich is most often associated with Bennie and Clovis Martin who operated a coffee stand in the French Market about 2 decades later.  The brothers were former conductors and very sympathetic to their former co-workers when a strike took place in the late 1920's.  They often provided free sandwiches to the strikers and thus the term po'boy.
Po' Boys are most often associated with fried shrimp or oysters on that crusty French bread.  If you are looking for some special love with your partner on Mardi Gras or later this week for V-Day, I'd recommend using those oysters.  But at home sometimes it is hard to fry and get that same signature crispiness you might get from a restaurant.  To me it's very hard to pan fry to the same precision as a restaurant deep fryer.  It is with that thought in mind that I present the beef Po' Boy instead.

 2#  Top Round Roast Beef
For Gravy:
1/2 Cup Flour
1 Tbs Garlic Powder
1 tsp of Black Pepper
2 tsps of Kosher Salt
1/4 Cup of Vegetable Oil
1 tsp Kitchen Bouquet
3 Cups of broth (reserved from Top Round Roast Beef
For Po Boy:
2 10-inch French loaves
Mayonnaise to taste
Creole Mustard to taste
2 Tomatoes, sliced
2 Cups of Iceberg Lettuce, shredded
1 Large Dill pickle, sliced
Roast Beef
*     Although the recipe for the Po Boy calls for 2#'s of Top Round Roast Beef I'd slow roast an entire 10/12# piece at about 300 degrees for about 4 hours in a roasting pan.  Cook the beef fat side up and top with some salt, pepper, and garlic.  Bast the meat with it's own juices occasionally.
*     Once beef is cooked remove and slice thinly against grain and set aside in casserole-type dish.
*     As the beef is almost done take 3 cups of broth from the roasting pan.
*     Pour the broth into a sauce pan on medium heat.  Heat until it's at a simmer.
*     Once at a simmer briskly whisk in the flour until completely combined (no lumps)! 
*     Next, whisk in the garlic powder, salt, pepper, oil, and kitchen bouquet.  Again, make sure this is completely combined with no lumps.  Ultimately this should be a thick gravy consistency.
*     Once gravy is finished pour it over sliced beef into the baking/casserole dish.
*     Cook this at 350 degrees for about 45 minutes or until meat is falling apart.
*     Once beef is ready, slice the French loaf in half.
*     Spread Mayo on one side Mustard on the other.
*     Lay the bread on a baking sheet with the opening facing up.  Line the sides with the tomato slices.  Next pile beef into open center of the loaf and pile lettuce on top.
*     Place sandwich back into oven for about 5 minutes until the bread is crusty.
Enjoy with a Hurricane and make sure you have some beads to throw to a lady with the best tits!  :)


Saturday, February 9, 2013

I Want to Thank You for Giving Me the Best Day


This lyric goes out to Kat as well as my post.  I do want to thank Kat for hosting this Blog Chain; these posts have been a blast!
I'll warn you this might get a bit mushy but then again this is a mushy topic.  So in the interest of retaining some "guy points" I'll start out with a sports analogy.  About a week ago Randy Moss made a statement that in all due respect to Jerry Rice, he (Randy the Freak) was the greatest receiver of all time.    It was quite comical.  But here is my analogy.  In my learned observation LeBron James is without a doubt the most gifted basketball player of all time.  But let's be honest if we were having a pick-up game for the championship of life any of us would choose Michael or Magic over LeBron.

And why?

Because when the game is/was on the line Michael always demanded to take the shot.  It wasn't arrogance; it was determination.  It was the simple fact that he wanted to bear the burden and the responsibility for the success of the team.  It wasn't simply expected it was literally understood.  That takes heart and is bigger than simple talent.

OK so what does that mean for today other than the fact that it seems as if Ryan is going to take a simple subject like Love and then not talk about sex which is what this whole goddamn Sex Blog Chain is supposed to be about.  But never let it be unsaid that Ryan couldn't *uck up a wet dream and not follow the simplest of directions!  :)

OK so I've kind of let the Kat (get it) out of the bag.  No, this post is not about sex.  But it is about love.

In those early years sex with Shannon was great.  She is gorgeous and her body just always seemed to fit me like that proverbial glove.  At some point we decide it was time to have kids.  We were naive that it would just happen.  It didn't.  Of course when it doesn't happen I think we always first assume it's the guy.  So in response to that I stepped into the shower one morning and thought in depth about how much I'd like to nail Jennifer Connelly (no we are not at the love part yet, duh).  About 10 minutes later I stepped out with a cup of my thoughts if you catch my drift.  We took my thoughts to the hospital and found out that there were no problems with Ryan.  In fact I think they wanted to mate me with a Thoroughbred mare as my seed was of such sublime quality!  :)   (sorry guys just have to brag when speaking of such things)

After a few months of trying several other things a doctor came to the conclusion that Shannon had endometriosis and needed laparoscopic surgery.  And there in lies my point of the day.

It's easy to fall in love with a beautiful woman or simply a woman who shows interest in you and makes you feel great.  As Kevin Costner's character in Fandango said appropriately "if you think you are in love, you are; that's really all love is, a feeling."  On the surface I believe that.

But real love, I believe, is what Michael Jordan has for the game of basketball.  It is that desire to bear the burden.  So it's not until you expect to be that safety net, that you desire to bear the burden that you really realize you are in love with someone.

I took Shannon for her surgery one morning about 13 years ago.  She was a mess.  For lack of a better word she is a hypochondriac.  I stayed with her until she was called back into surgery.  I stuck around the hospital until it was done and then talked with the doctor after.  Everything went fine.  I do admit I stepped out and ran by the office while she was in recovery.  But I was back when she awoke.

I helped her dress when she was ready for release.  She could not even raise her arms to get out of that flimsy ass-less hospital smock.  I pulled the car up to the door and helped her in.  After driving home I carried her into the house and placed her gently on the couch.  After a few minutes she then vomited on me.  She does not deal well with anesthesia.

I cleaned her up and cleaned the carpet and the couch (and myself).  She was a mess.  Her hair was sticky and gummy, her face sunken and sallow, and her eyes were vacant and glassy.  She was a wreck.  And at that moment I loved her as much as I ever did love her.  She was completely and totally in my care.  I was responsible for her.  I was her safety net, nobody else.  I bore the burden and as much as I was in pain to see her in pain I was glad for that burden.

So as we prepare for Valentine's Day and anticipate that "special moment" with that special person just think about who is going to not simply accept but will take the ball in life when the clock ticks under 8 seconds.

If you are in love you are going to own that ball.  You will find a way to jump a little higher, drive a little harder and demand to have the burden of the last shot.

Oh well just think of us as Leo and Kate, two star-crossed lovers doomed to fail...

Sorry for that mushiness.  Hey I had trouble finding this.  For some reason I always thought Sade sang this song but I guess it's some English chick named Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong or Dido for short.  Anyway here is that song.  I heard it on the way to work the other day.  It's mushy but it always sets me in a peaceful mind.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

What do you want to do with your life!

I Wanna Rock!!!

Ryan's Duets
Today I'm introducing a new concept - Ryan's Duets.  Over the next few months I will be reaching out to fellow bloggers to do a post (once a month) on a common theme that perhaps I share an interest in common with that certain blogger.  You might ask yourself "why did you choose Pony, is there something we should know about?"  The answer would be an emphatic no!  It's just Ryan-style logic.  I thought about doing something with Elle - I am so enamored with her since she placed my image into cartoon.  Then there is Kat, one of longest blog friends.  And there is Sassy who I probably chat more with than any other.  There are others too of course such as Mrs. B.  But you see if I chose any one of those ladies the others might be mad at me for not picking them.  It's kind of like that paradox when your wife asks you if her butt looks fat in a certain dress.  The truth never got us guys anywhere.  But the beauty thing is that if those women like this concept they will probably be beating down my doors to be next months Duet partner.  See my logic.  My only problem is I'm too dense to keep it too myself. 
Anyway, this month's theme is the Evolution of Men in the Age of Social Media (is social media turning us all into betas).  When I thought of this I knew Pony could do great things with the topic, it's right up his alley.
So the format is based on that ESPN show PTI.  You must know I'd never come up with anything original and it would be based on some jock show!
PTI is a fast paced show on ESPN I watch often while doing the elliptical in the gym (when I am not looking at women's asses).  Two over the hill sportswriters debate pertinent topics of the day such as the Laker's new uniforms - "fashion forward or too old school?"   So much like the show, Pony and I will espouse quickly on our point of view concerning the subject at hand.  Btw, Pony and I are way better looking than those two guys above!  Well, I assume Pony is; as for me I still have hair.  I do see Pony as Wilbon and me as Kornheiser but that's just because I think Wilbon is actually a thoughtful person and Kornheiser is just talking to see hot air coming out of his mouth!  :)

In case you were wondering, Hanna Storm has nothing to do with this post I just love a hot woman who knows more about sports than I do!

So here we go!  What's Up with Those Guys Today?
Man(guy)hood in the Age of Social Media
Where have all the Alphas gone?

PonyBoy's Take:

I'm with Ryan on this one.

Boys now a days are being brought up to be more in touch with their feminine side, but it's at the expense of their masculinity.
Feminism has been great for a lot of things in our society, I'm a man so I can't proclaim to know where they feel they are in their progress, I'm sure they have a ways to go, but feminism is what we have to thank for this.

Boys today are confused, it's to the point where if you behave in a masculine or manly way you are considered a sexist or a misogynist. The modern male needs a balance of both, but kids today don't get that from their male role models, or from what they see in the media.

When Ashton Kutcher acts like a pussy and still gets laid or gets the girl at the end of the movie, kids think they need to act like a pussy to get a girl interested in them. What that will get them is a really good friendship with a girl, and a confused girl if and when he has the balls to make a move on her.

"whoa slow down Gary, I thought we were just friends?"

Meanwhile, Gary is sitting there with a throbbing hardon, an Instagram account where he has shared his favourite meals that he has prepared, and a Pinterest account where he pins his favourite Ashton Kutcher movies and Justin Beiber songs.

So as a Father to two boys, I want them to learn that it's OK to be a man with masculine traits and behaviours, I don't want them to deny that. I also want them to accept that men today are not the men of yesterday, they need to embrace their feminine side. They need to balance the two out.

So instead of ending up like Gary, with his blue balls, hairy palms and a plethora of lame social media accounts, I hope my boys will be able to make sure women know they are friends, but not their girlfriends. If the females they hang out with want to compare Pinterest accounts I hope my boys tell them to go hang out with Suzie Suziekins if they want to do that.

But I also want my boys to be fully functional adults who are not incompetent, bumbling fools, like they see on Modern Family. They will need to learn to cook for themselves, how to do laundry, care for their children etc...

These aren't "women's skills" but life skills.

They can be masculine while still being equal with their partners.

Ryan's Take:

Oh these crazy kids today, I just don't get them!

There is a competitive pool at the gym where I work out.  During the week a few of the local high school teams work out at the pool.  I have to admit as much as the kids irritate me by clogging up the locker room I kind of enjoy having them around after a workout when I'm taking a shower.

Ooops, wait that didn't quit come out right.  None of you are judges or lawyers out there are you because that wasn't a confession or anything!  :)

No what I mean is the conversation between the teen boys are absolutely and positively hilarious if you actually can focus in on what they are talking about.

The other day I was in the shower and there were two of the high school guys in the shower stalls to my right.  They were having a conversation about their girlfriends.

It went something like this:

Guy 1:  It would be so funny if Hilly and Jilly ended up having to sit next to each other in class.

Guy 2:  Dude, why?

Guy 1:  Because Hilly is so jealous of Jilly.

Guy 2:  Dude, why?

Guy 1:  Because Jilly and I did way more than Hilly has ever thought of doing with me.

*  Now Ryan with his Gen X brain starts getting a mental image of what "doing more" means, I was wrong.

Guy 2:  Dude, that's *ucked up.

Guy 1:  Yeah, I was thinking about unblocking Jilly from my Facebook and Instagram.

Guy 2:  Dude, I think you can do that and Hilly won't know.  Jilly will then see the *hit you and Hilly are doing and like when you like something or comment on something.

Guy 1:  Yeah I think it will be cool but I really don't know with all this new Facebook *hit.  But I felt bad blocking Jilly.

*  That's your first mistake buddy regretting not letting a girl see what you are doing with another girl, but you'll learn!

This went on for some time.  It became increasingly obvious that the "way more stuff" that this guy had done to Jilly was in no way comparable to the type of stuff I'd have been doing to Jilly in my day if I was making a reference like that.

I just had to laugh as a typical high school conversation involving Ryan back in the day would go something like this:

Ryan (to his idiot friend):  What did you do this weekend

Ryan's Idiot Friend:  Me and Hilly ended up at the lake.  We drank a case of Bud and then she blew me and swallowed.

Ryan:  Sounds good, I took Jilly to Top Gun.  We sat in the back and she gave me a hand job and then she sucked me off just before the dog fight with the Russians.  We went back to her place after.  Her parents were gone so I threw her the bone up her *ss.  She screamed as I spooged all over her back.

Real guys don't Pin stuff!
Now mind you while the 80's high school vernacular is strikingly different I have to admit the actual reality of the events depicted would have probably been no more accurate than the average congressional testimonies on a typical day of C-SPAN. 

But what I have to ask of today's male youth:  where are your cojones for Christ sake!

Btw, damn that pic (to the left) looks like me!  I bet Pony would make a great Goose!   :)

Anyway, I used to do things my girlfriend wouldn't have liked either.  Hell, I still do!  It was called going to the "titty bar."  But we didn't take photographs because we didn't want to get caught.  We damn sure didn't take photos and post them on billboards all over town.  Your a guy, keep your dirty doings to yourself; nobody need know of it and the world will be a better place for the ignorance of your actions!

And for the love of god Instagram is a place for chicks to post pictures about their nails.  It ain't a place for guys to post pictures about having a family dinner at your girlfriend's grandmother's house.  I mean if it gets you layed for doing that fine, but dont' show us the pictures (of dinner that is; if you can snag some video of you throwin' it to her then hell yeah - but otherwise fugetaboutit).

I don't know but I do worry about this generation.  I guess I just feel like that evil dad from the Twisted Sister video!  Except I'm telling them to go out and chase some ladies like a real man (Rhett Butler that is).

 So what do you want to do with your life Mr. Sister!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - Sometimes We All Feel a Need to Change

Initially I was not exactly sure how to preface this post.  However, on the way to work and thinking about this Repeat I got to thinking about last year and the blog.  These were some pensive weeks I have to say.  Two of my favorite blogs of all time had just gone "poof," those being Ashley and Me and The Anatomies of a Marriage.  I got a lot of "hit" traffic from those sites so I was unsure how my blog would change (I know I should be doing this for me but I am vain and I do crave attention - admit it we all do).

But at the time I was so anxious to start writing about Sandee I didn't linger on the thought.  Actually once I started writing about Sandee I think a lot of people started getting into the story as my blog hits and comments actually went way up.  Of course by the time I started writing about meeting Sandee I had already been seeing her for about 4 months.  But writing about it was almost as much fun as living it.

As I write below I really didn't think Sandee was real after writing to her on AM and then e-mail for over a month.  So as I was writing to her at some point I really did start envisioning that I was writing to some of those female blog friends.  I really believe it helped because it raised my game so to speak.  It was kind of like when the Junior Varsity scrimmages the varsity.  Yeah, writing to Sandee the way I might have written to Elle or Ms. I definitely took me to the next level. 

Except that if you are out there Elle (or even Kat or Sassy) you can tell everybody that when I am actually writing to those fascinating female bloggers I really am kind of a dud!  :)

Btw, Elle has a great new blog the Ellescapades.

Anyway here is that post where I talk about how I approached the Sandee dilemma my channeling female bloggers.

Ryan's Repeat

from February 16th, 2012....
Or Channeling 20-something bloggers

OK, so at 26 Sandee is not exactly jail-bate. But I had not ever really chased those 20-something ladies on AM. I even read a couple of 20-something bloggers and had never really thought in terms of "hey I would really like to hook up with you (at least not anymore than any other blogger)," I just enjoyed their thoughts and stories. Well maybe the anticipation of a few responses like "F you old dude" dissuaded me as well but you get the point - my target audience had always been about 35 and above.

But I was invested in Sandee now and she was uber-cool so if she was interested in me I was willing to give this a try. Knowing full well that at this point, based on known AM odds, I was still at only at about a 15% chance of actually meeting her. Sex with her; now we are in John Huntsman percentages!

Could I be as cool as Steve Martin?
But for housekeeping let me explain the name. Of course, her name is not really Sandee. But as I was contemplating my potential relationship with this cute 20-something girl I recalled one of my favorite movies, LA Story. In the story an older and urbane Steve Martin has a relationship with a young energetic Sarah Jessica Parket (named SanDeE*). I love that story, the humor, the analysis on life, etc. Plus, sometimes highway signs talk to me! :)

So I started thinking of Sandee as SanDeE* because she was cute and spunky like Sarah Jessica in that movie. And (hint, hint) I would love to think of myself as Steve Martin (an aside I love his New Yorker articles as much as his movies but don't think just because Shannon has a subscription I'm very literate)!

But then I started thinking about the age difference and communication. Perhaps I was overthinking it. But one concept brought me solace. I knew some of these 20-something ladies. Yeah, those bloggers I follow. What if I was writing to one of them? What would I say to Elle if I was flirting with her?

So I thought about Elle. Yeah, she is pretty smart; I know because I've e-mailed her a few times. In fact I consulted her once on a post and she sent me back all these James Allen quotes. He is a poet so she is pretty much over my head. Then again, you have to drill down to a Kardashian to get to my intellectual equivalent! But Elle writes about running out of toilet paper and burning her mouth on frozen pizza in her blog so those personality traits I can relate to.

So I decided yes, I would channel Elle and write Sandee as if I was writing to Elle. This may work.

Sandee kind of reminded me of Elle anyway witty, goofy, but charming, and smart. I wonder if she draws cartoons as well as Elle?

Besides, I really didn't think any of this would work anyway - but wow the blog entries will be awesome so full steam ahead!

Oh but wait there was one other thing that was stuck in my head. I am not a conspiracy theorist by any stretch of the imagination; I just don't think that much. But now I was thinking conspiracy. Why the hell is this hot 26 year old writing to me? What if this is actually some teenager playing on the social networking highway for a gag! Hey, I started this for fun not to get arrested! I told myself to BE careful. That wasn't too hard; as I've said I'm not exactly a "kinkster" on e-mail so I just made sure I didn't make any sexual requests or propositions that might come back to haunt me.

The other thing I started to think about, and yes I admit this is my hubris talking, was that I started to wonder if someone from the blogoshere had tried to track me down. Maybe a crazy fan was trying to hunt Ryan Beaumont down on AM to try to find the real dude behind the blog? Hmmm...., interesting thought, but wo is the poor person who's life's mission would be to hunt me down. That would be like the time as a young kid I bit into baker's chocolate thinking it was something sweet and yummy and then BLECK (reality)!

But I also thought maybe Sandee is a blogger and just screwing with guys to get fodder for a blog. What an irony that would be if she ran into me (a blogger) looking for stuff to blog about.

I keep some of that product at hand!
Well, I had a lot to think about. But regardless, I was moving ahead - this was just too interesting to pass up! And damn, she was cute (if the photos were real). She was really cool too; actually that was the biggest draw. She sent me this one picture of her on Halloween where she was dressed as Cameron Diaz in Something About Mary - you know the scene where she has the Cindy Lou Who hair with that special "product" she got from Ben Stiller!

So deep breath and step forward; after all this was my Lloyd Dobler "dare to be great" opportunity!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - Hurts My Ears to Listen Shannon Burns My Eyes to See

OK so if you are paying attention I'm already breaking my own rules.  I was going to re-post old posts each month from the months 1 and 2 years prior.  This is now February but the post below is from January.  But as Katherine Hepburn once said "if you obey all the rules you'll miss all the fun."  In my case I think I had some great posts in February, 2011, particularly with respect to hits.

I did my first spoof of Riff Dog here - My Name is Inigo Montoya

And I did the first of my Shannon series which always seemed to attract a lot of attention for some reason - Seems a Shame You Waste Your Time on Me

But I've re-posted those before.  I did do a real enjoyable post when I was at the peak of my Ashley Madison correspondence days (here).  I really liked the part about not guessing the shoes correctly as the reason she didn't write back!

But in the end I kept going back to a post I didn't re-post last month from January, 2011.

It describes a great scientific journey of discover I went on for a few weeks way back in summer, 2010.  It was truly like trekking to depths of the deepest jungle; terrifying but in the end truly revealing.

Nothing is more terrifying than looking into the mirror and seeing the reflection of your soul.  Perhaps all men should take such a journey and see what life looks like from the mirror's perspective, perhaps we might act a little different.  But then again, we might stop being guys and what fun would that be!?

Ryan's Repeats:

from January 25th, 2011.....

Did I mention I had a Grateful Dead phase in college? One of my favorite GD songs is Jack Straw from Wichita with the above lyrics. I believe it is written in the first person as an outlaw on the run is telling his tale in his mind to his lady who must be far away. I don’t know if I would tell this tale to my lady far away.

So where do I go from here? We are nearing the mid-point of summer and I am a little shaken from this first intimate Ashley Madison experience. During the month that you could say I was “seeing” Alecia I had hidden my AM profile. So I start thinking, what would Riff do? I’m sure he would pick himself up, dust himself off, and start all over again. While perusing his blog I see him mention this gal named Claire. Uh oh…. would I/could I really go there. Hmm… I could just chalk it up to an experiment as Riff does; if it’s for science then its OK? Right!

So in this down time for me I go a little off the reservation and create Shannon’nNOVA71 just to get the female perspective, I mean this is for science. I sort of use my wife as a guidepost. So Shannon is 5’6,” weights 125#, is 39, limits undecided, lives in NOVA (unspecific), is an attached female looking for males, and her caption is “Life should be Exceptional.” Her perfect matches are professional/well groomed, stylish/classy, sense of humor, imagination, creative/adventurous, confident, a good listener, casual/social drinker; with interests checked as travel, fine dining, music, dancing, theatre, wine tasting, and I am a social drinker. Unfortunately I can’t check off her real interests like “La Mer,” “Sephora,” “Banana Republic,” “Caribbean Vacations,” “anything expensive” – oh wait this isn’t supposed to be real and I said I wouldn’t say anything ill of my Shannon. OK, I write a few notes about traveling a lot, having a busy life, in sales/marketing, loving a good glass of Riesling, etc. And I do go a step further than Riff Dog, I include a picture. Shannon looks a bit like Kate Winslet so I crop this picture (of Kate, not Shannon). Probably going too far, but I have to or the experiment won’t be complete you know.

So any ladies out there, tell me what do you think I get?

Well as much as I hate to admit it, Shannon got a bit more attention than I have ever received! Here are the gory stats:

After 3 Days: 200+ notes; countless winks (hey, I just delete those as well)
Of the 200 notes: 75% are requests for keys, access to keys, additions to “my favorites,” and other highly deletable trash
Of Remaining 25%: mostly quick notes such as “like your profile, please check mine, if interested send me a note at idiot@yahoo.com”

You know the funny thing is that while I was doing this I started to project myself as Shannon and started to think who she would find attractive and if any of these guys were good enough for her. I wonder if I am in need of some therapy? Of the 300+ notes by the end of the experiment I would say there were only 5 that, from this male perspective, a normal woman would find interesting. These were guys who from their public profile were good looking (I didn’t open private photos – didn’t want to see anything revealing) and sounded interesting. These few took the time to react to interests in Shannon’s profile and made a connection between their interests and her’s. These few were also the only one’s that set a “vision” of what they might be like, for example what type of restaurant they would like to go to or where they had traveled. They also had interesting careers or hobbies. For instance one was a teacher but additionally was a music producer; one a lawyer; one an avid skier. Of course, that is making the big assumption that they were telling the truth J

But the most funny thing was that one of those 5 had obviously been reading “Ashley and Me” because his note was a complete bullet pointed Riff Dog rip off! Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t kid because many of my notes have been complete Riff Dog rip offs – ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black.

The disturbing thing was that one guy from North Carolina (apparently travels to DC for business) would not leave me/Shannon alone. See, he was from Shannon’s hometown and I made the mistake of responding by saying how do you like it in *****ville? His first note was fairly nice but his second note included the comment “Damn you’re hot! Please let me know when we can meet!” Now even I know begging is never a turn on.

So what did I learn?

· Yes, all of us guys are jerks.
· I don’t know why women are interested in us.
· If I was a woman, I would definitely consider the lesbian option.
· Wow, if getting this much attention is this exhaustive for just 1 week what must it be like for an attractive woman 364 days a year?
· Against this competition, I’m not so bad; so let’s hang this up and get back in the ball game! According to my arithmetic I am more interesting than 98.7% of the Greater DC Ashley Madison male population J

I do learn that having a public picture is really important if you are going to separate yourself. Like applying for a job you only have a brief few seconds to make a good first impression and that public profile picture is the first thing a women is going to see when she is going to decide if you are any more interesting than the other 300+ options she has on AM. Yes guys, there are other guys who still have hair, have good abs, and make a lot of money so you need some separation, something that makes you distinct! So I do add a public picture of myself shoveling snow and looking fairly outdoorsy, but not too close to be obvious. Hint – a women will get over 100 bare abs pics so show yourself doing something classy or interesting like hiking or skiing or looking out over Paris from the Eiffel Tower, etc. But don't post anything too obvious you need to preserve "plausible deny ability" - that's be able to lie in Washington-speak, yes I live near DC! Of course I’m not classy so all I had was shoveling snow J

Overall, it was interesting to have a quick peek into the world women see.

I think there is a scene in the Jerk where Steve Martin thinks he’s invisible and says “think of the great things I can do for society” and then in the next frame you see women running screaming out of a bathroom after he goes in to take a peek. Yeah, I might have said it was for science but I am not sure if I used it for good L Oh well, at the end of the day I am just a guy!