Where is My Happy Ending

Shannon’s Story – Part V

This is part V of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together.  If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  The start of Shannon's story is here.

Shannon speaking….

Do you remember Brent from my earlier blog entry?  Brent was now a VP for this company Ryan and I both worked for and was over Ryan’s account and the account I worked for.  I had traveled with Brent once or twice for sales presentations as support.  When Brent found out I had quit he offered me a job to stay.  He said I could work from home and work on a project by project basis for him.  With that I couldn’t really say no.

As I said this was a fairly decent time.  I traveled a little during my second pregnancy but the work pace was not too difficult.  I went from a 1 hour commute to no commute at all and working from home I could really focus on projects and was no longer bothered by the mundane aspects of typical office environments, this was truly my environment.

About four months after our second daughter was born I started traveling for work more often.  It was very difficult to balance work and family but the work challenges were becoming more exciting and my role was becoming more formal and I enjoyed the respect I was receiving.

The short era of contentment in our marriage was drawing to a close.  As I became more successful I felt I didn’t need Ryan as much, he seemed to become smaller and less significant.  I was becoming more in control.  We did attempt marriage counseling but the counselor seemed a bit odd.  We went for about five sessions and stopped.  Her two brilliant conclusions were that I needed a friend and might have a thyroid imbalance.  The only problem I had was that Ryan was an ass!

Actually, I have to say that Ryan had become a very good dad.  It was ironic that as I achieved my goals of becoming a mother I found career success and as Ryan had found the job he had been hoping for he started to become a family man.  But being a good dad didn’t make me attracted to him and I had certainly lost any spark that had once been in our marriage.  Although by now, our struggles had been so intense and so long that it was hard to remember a time when we were ever happy.

I remember Ryan found an article in a magazine I had purchased once, it was about new parents.  There was one quote from a women talking about her husband that said “I fell in love with him all over again (after having children).”  Ryan was very confused, he felt by being a good dad, by being more active around the house, by being the one who helped out on field trips, he was becoming the person I wanted and I would be happier in the marriage.

Two things were wrong with that.  First, there is a Sarah McLachlan song with the words “it's a long way down to the place where we started from.”  For us I would change that thought to “it’s a long way down from where we started.  And it would be a long way back up and maybe an impossible climb.  Second, I wanted someone who understood my dreams, someone who respected me.  Simply folding the laundry, cooking dinner, and taking care of the kids was not necessarily what attracted me.  This was not really what I asked for and I just didn’t want to settle.  I simply wanted more and was beginning to see a path to getting more out of life.  After all, I had earned through my accomplishments this path that I was now on!

My work pace accelerated rapidly and often I was on the road 3 days a week.  And I was traveling with Brent often now.  Brent has a very magnetic personality and people seem to be drawn to him, he tends to create an almost cult-like attraction within his “team” (as he called us).

Brent started asking me questions about Ryan that seemed odd.  Questions like, “who wears the pants in the family?”  “Does Ryan object to your travel?”  “What will Ryan think when you are making more money?”

And of course there were the looks and the vibes.  I knew Brent was interested in me.  Brent had a reputation as a ladies man.  It was rumored that there were more than a few women who he slept with throughout his region.  Coincidentally, Brent looks a bit like Tim Robbins in The Player, and yes he can be “a player.”

I think by being from the south I also fit some romantic image he sought.  He often kidded me about my accent, although I don’t really have a strong one.  Even though Brent was from the North, I think he secretly had a southern soul.  He is really into NASCAR and hunting on the personal side although, as I learned guys from Minnesota, Wisconsin, etc can be just as redneck as those from the south.  He also started to share a few tidbits about his marriage and his unhappiness at home.

What I have learned is that guys will probe, carefully stepping out onto the ice to see how far they can step out.  Brent is from the Upper Midwest and he knows about ice fishing, and he was definitely ice fishing with me, taking those first careful steps out.

But for now it was exciting to be around him and it was intoxicating to have someone value my opinion and abilities and figuratively hold me up on a pedestal.

to be continued…..

Indiana Wants Me, Lord I Can’t Go Back There

Shannon’s Story – Part IV

This is part IV of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together.  If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  The start of Shannon’s story is (here).

I have been using music Shannon likes for her story thus far.  She is an 80/90’s alternative lady.  But here I couldn’t resist.  The song above is a one hit wonder from the early 70’s.  I have noticed over the years that Classic Radio sometimes has subtle differences from region to region.  Indiana Wants Me is a song that I heard fairly often in the Mid-West (and occasionally on satellite) but never in any other part of the country.  I’ll leave a clip at the bottom of this entry (please take a listen), it is very chivalrous.

Shannon speaking….

I joined Ryan for one of his interviews in the Mid-West.  He was meeting his potential new boss. At the time I noticed that this new boss, Brent, was very striking.  He had that classic Minnesota/Scandinavian look with steely blue eyes, blond hair, tall, strikingly professional, and very serious looking.  Of course that image quickly faded along with the image of any other attractive man one might see in the mall or at a restaurant.  But my road and Brent’s would cross again one day.

As I said before, Ryan and I never resolve anything we just move forward down the road of least resistance hoping that some meaning will come to the surface.  So with that I found myself moving again.  I had the laparoscopic surgery the previous summer and had just completed six months of medication so my window of opportunity for pregnancy was brief before the specter of endometriosis would stir again.  So in my mind I would get pregnant within six months and hope for the best, if not I guess it would be divorce and back to mom and dad.  Ryan did his part of course, why not!  Sex had mostly been absent for six months during treatment so for him this was good luck.

My career track was both lucky and unlucky.  All I really wanted right now was to be a mom.  However, I got a job in marketing with the same company Ryan was working for but at a different location.  I had to drive an hour each way to get to my office.  The drive was torture and I often cried the entire drive.

Happily I did get pregnant after about three months of trying.  Being pregnant and preparing kept my mind blissful and we also bought a house so for the moment I was content.  And of course nine months later we had a beautiful daughter so things were OK for now.

I was not excited to go back to work.  The thought of leaving my newborn daughter each day was exasperating.  Additionally, my boss had recently gotten a promotion and I did not like my new boss.  I held out for one torturous year.  Ryan and I fought constantly about money and what would happen if I stayed home.  To Ryan we would be on welfare, to me I had to ask what is the price of happiness?

Finally Ryan relented and I quit my job and I was happy.  I guess the thought or “negotiated solution” was that I would find something part time and more local.  Everything with Ryan seems to be arbitration L

What really saved me and was the justification that finally convinced Ryan to relent about my job was that I was again pregnant.  About two years after our first daughter was born we had a second daughter.

One thing Ryan and others have always said to me that has always made me mad is “you are great at finding jobs; you will always land on your feet.”  Of course that is always said in justification for some move.  That being said, things always seem to land on my lap.

So just as I was excited to become a “stay at home” mom or at least “gleefully underemployed” a great career opportunity came my way from an intriguing source.

And although the next year would be pretty good within the family I didn’t know at the time that the die had been cast for the next phase of my life.

to be continued…..

I’m a (Wo)Man Who Doesn’t Know How to Sell a Contradiction

Shannon’s Story – Part III

This is part III of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together.  If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  Part I of Shannon's story is here if you have not read thus far.

Shannon speaking….

Yes, it happened.  Sammie and I had the most powerful and passionate sex I have ever had.  As we finished I couldn’t believe what had just happened.  I felt deep guilt and complete bliss at the same time.  And I had no clue where I would go from that point.

Ryan can be a bit of a prude.  In fact we have joked before that he is more the female and I am more the male in our sexual relationship.  Ryan likes to cuddle, he likes foreplay and kissing, he can be coy; I like fast paced, raunchy and energetic sex.  No matter who it is I get bored after about 20 minutes, maybe I’m ADD?  With Sammie I was not bored; he pushed me to the edge.

Fortunately or unfortunately fate dictated my direction soon after Sammie and I had sex for the first time.  The small town where we lived had a very tight information network and apparently either Sammie was “kissing and telling” or his roommate had caught on.  At any rate a few weeks after Sammie and I consummated our attraction one of Sammie’s coaches stopped by to see me and confronted me about the relationship.  Without confirming the coach simply said I could no longer see Sammie.  I was scared and mortified.  I told Ryan about the encounter with the coach seeking comfort and advice.  It felt odd going to him but he was all I had at this point.  But I was even more shocked at Ryan’s response.

Stupidly I had been keeping a computer journal of my relationship with Sammie (that is what people did before the days of blogging).  Ryan had apparently found the journal and had read it and was apparently in the process of trying to find out if it was all real.  This might now be his confirmation.  I denied everything but he said he didn’t believe me.  So what to do now?

Luckily Ryan’s job searching (I mentioned earlier) was soon successful and he got that job in the Mid-Atlantic.  Ryan is selfish and his career success soon blinded him to my indiscretions.  So I got off lucky when Ryan became caught up in the excitement of our move and his success.  It’s funny, as glad as I was to apparently “dodge the bullet” I was dumbfounded by Ryan’s lack of passionate anger in response to his discovery.  He seemed cold, like an impartial jury, not a man who was driven to save his marriage and win me back.  I wanted to be cherished not simply let off the hook due to a technicality.  But, for now, the good thing was we were leaving and hopefully leaving our problems.  But, as I said before, we never really resolve anything we just change the scenery and hope the plot gets better.  But like a bad horror movie parts II, III, IV, etc never really get better.

In our new town we would only be about 3 hours away from our hometowns, I was very happy.  The first few months were great.  Ryan was not working as much, we could travel to interesting places for the day, and I got to see my family more often.  But that didn’t last.  Finding a job was hard and I ended up with a job as a receptionist in a very crabby office.

Ryan quickly went back to his work-a-holic syndrome.  And I was left with a dead end job I hated but had to work because Ryan always said we have to pay the bills.  Seriously, when did I sign up to be married to my father? 

What kept me occupied during this time was my longing to start a family and purchase a home.  We did find a lovely home in the country perched up on a hill with the prettiest little river running through our back yard.  I loved having a yard and home of my own to plan for and design.  On the family side we tried diligently for a year before I was diagnosed with endometriosis.  I had laparoscopic surgery and started on medication which threw my body completely off cycle.

During this lovely time and only 1 year after moving into our new home, Ryan decided that this escape job we were so happy with just two years before was now a dead end.  Ryan began looking again for that golden career challenge and soon found another opportunity in the Mid-West.  I protested vehemently but to no avail.  Ryan was determined to advance his career so we were on the move again right when I was hoping to start a family.

to be continued…..

You May Find Yourself in Another Part of the World

Shannon’s Story – Part II

This is part II of a series of sub-blogs written from my best attempt at writing from my wife’s perception of our life together.  If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  Or at least go to Part I of Shannon’s story (here).

But for those of you who have been reading along with me, why would I do such a thing?  Yes to be certain part of it is because my “brain is full of spiders and (I) have garlic in my soul” J  But actually Shannon and I were discussing the Disney shows that our kids watch a few weeks ago.   Most we hate but a few are OK.  Our favorite we decided was Hanna Montana because the adult character played by Billy Ray Cyrus is so well developed and thus an aspect of the show that us adults can understand and relate.  In fact, I enjoy him and the brother Jackson much more than Hanna.  So then I started to think about how horror movies or Gangster films are so much better when the antagonist is developed.  Like Hannibal Lecter, such a terrible person yet intriguing because we are allowed to see his personality through his voice.  Then I started to think about my blog and how I thought it would have more meaning if I gave Shannon a voice.  So here I am.  And I have actually found it easier though admittedly painful to reveal our past through her voice (or at least my interpretation of her voice).  And btw Shannon is not really like Hannibal Lecter, she is not at all into Chianti and Fava beans – she is more of a sweet white wine kind of lady.  Oh, and I don’t think she eats anybody either! J

Shannon speaking….

My feeling throughout this marriage has been that I am clearly not driving this car and I feel like I am the third lead actor in a movie about someone else’s life and I have no control.  Even our honeymoon had to be put on hold.  Rather than going right after we got married we went about 4 months later when it was more CONVENIENT for Ryan.  It was fairly nice though although I had always dreamed of something more than just a week on Florida’s Gulf Coast (there is a reason its called the Redneck Riviera).  And we both got sunburned the first day so we ended up inside a lot and not for sex (which would have been very painful at that point).  A lot of the issues in our marriage have been a result of my struggle to find something for myself or at least rebelling against the path I was on. 

I could write a lot about our first two years together.  But mostly it was about me driving to school and then waiting for Ryan to get home from work.  There was the occasional night out on the weekend.   But often money was tight a message Ryan drove home consistently.  I did have a part time job but we were mostly living on Ryan’s salary and I was in graduate school full time.  Ryan is very frugal and I’ll admit I enjoy spending money so that was often a source of discord.

Mostly I lived for the holidays and summer when we would travel back home or to other places like the time we went to a bowl game to see Ryan’s team – that was enjoyable.  We did spend a New Year’s Eve at Disney and had nice trips to New Orleans and Memphis.  While I hated living in this particular town in the extremely rural Deep South, I always was able to embrace the culture as I am a proud Southerner as well, though more South Atlantic.

Often the weekends seemed worse because I didn’t have school on my mind and the loneliness was just pervasive and controlled me.  But this life did embolden me to be more independent and self-assertive.  On one Spring Break I drove out to Texas to do research for a paper I was writing at the time.  For a lot of reasons I won’t go into here two years prior that would not have been something I would have done.  Graduate school was a challenge but I was excelling and gaining more confidence and I was now seeing myself as a professional

Under those circumstances though I was very susceptible to the fates!

And so toward the end of our 2+ years in that small Southern town fate allowed me to meet Sammie.  Sammie was a college student in the small town where we lived.  He was Latino and was in the States to play basketball.  We crossed paths many days and I could see he was always looking at me.  We finally started speaking and he was always happy to see me and to speak.  He was GORGEOUS!  He was tall, handsome, and had a chiseled physique with a beautiful café au lait complexion.  We began a flirtation for several weeks.  He would stop by where I worked on certain days and I started to make sure I dressed very sexy on those particular days.  One day when Ryan was out of town he stopped by just to check on me, he came in and we talked for a long time.  I began to fantasize about him.  I questioned where I was going with this, but I missed those days when I was coveted.  On another day, soon after, I stopped by his apartment when I was out for a walk – Ryan was working of course.  As I was getting ready to leave Sammie surprised me, grabbing me and kissed me passionately.  I started to pull back but relented and started kissing him back.  After what seemed an eternity he let me go.  We spoke a little longer.  He said he wanted me and had been attracted to me from the start.  He said he had an affair with an older, married woman back in his country before he came to the states.  He said he knew and liked Ryan and didn’t want to change anything for me but he did want to have sex.

Later that week Ryan was going to be at the gym after work and I knew he would be home late, he is always consistent that way.  I invited Sammie over.  I was not sure what would happen, this was a big risk and I was scared but I could not turn back now.

Sammie came over about 15 minutes after Ryan left so there would be about 2 hours before I expected Ryan back.  The bottom living room area of our townhome was too open so we went upstairs to talk.  Of course upstairs there was only 1 bathroom and 2 bedrooms so the only place to talk was sitting at the edge of a bed.  There was some brief small talk to begin with but I knew it was just an appetizer for what I both feared and hoped was surely to come. 

to be continued…..

It Seems a Shame You Waste Your Time on Me

Shannon’s Story – Part I

If you are reading this blog for the first time I would request you go to the beginning (here) and start reading or go to any entry that looks interesting but don’t start here as this entry is a bit of a diversion from my previous direction.  I will tell you ahead of time that I envisioned this blog entry a long time ago and have been writing and coming back to it for a while.  Since part of this blog is to reflect on my experiences and perhaps refine my perspective I had thought it would be interesting to write a blog entry that my wife might write if she was doing this.  For me this is an interesting exercise since I have always prided myself on being able to play Devil’s Advocate in all situations.  And not that Shannon is a villain in my story but I always enjoy a story more when all characters are developed even the antagonists.  I guess in my case I am shooting for something like Dangerous Liaisons where we’re all flawed in some way!  So here is my stab at Shannon’s story, it may take a few parts but it is my best effort and certainly allows me to be the ultimate Devil’s advocate.  I eagerly await and seek feedback!

Shannon speaking….

I got married way too early, two years after college.  Ryan was the first guy I ever dated who had a real job.  He was the first guy I wanted my parents to meet and that they liked.  In the past that might have been a turnoff but at that point in my life that was what I thought I wanted.

I had some interesting boy-friends in high school and college.  There was the college guy I dated in high school that wanted to drop out and marry me.  He was cute and a good musician but the thought of marriage at 18 was spooky.  Then there was Anders who I met in college.  He was a musician as well.  He is actually in a fairly successful band now.  But at the time he seemed like he was going nowhere.  I have “googled” Anders a few times recently and thought of what life would be like with him but his band mostly tours in Europe and as fascinating as that would be at first, I know that isn’t the life I would want right now.  Another guy I went out with (E) played baseball but was basically an alcoholic and I finally had enough.  I recently “googled” him as well and he is a journalist.

Just when I broke up with E, I met Ryan at work.  He was good looking although a bit geeky but confident and everyone at work thought he was the young guy going places.  And that is what I was looking for at the time.  It sounds funny now but an attraction at the time was that he could afford to take me to the beach and pay for a condo.

The first time we had sex was a little awkward.  I could tell he was nervous.  He almost sprinted to the bed from the bathroom after putting on his condom.  But that weekend was fun.  We walked along the beach; he took me to nice restaurants.  Soon after he took me to his hometown and I met his parents and a lot of his college friends.  His family is the exact opposite of mine.  My dad is very outgoing and is the life of the party.  Eating a meal with Ryan’s family is like having dinner in front of Face the Nation or Sports Center as he and his dad debate all the great topics of the ages!  One funny thing I remember is when one of his fraternity friends came up to me and said “we are glad to meet you, we always thought Ryan was secretly gay.” I told Ryan and he laughed and said his friend Tom was just joking.

Ryan got a promotion a few months after we started dating and was going to move to another state.  I remember the day he left I cried most of the day.  We didn’t break up, we just left things unresolved which would be a pattern we would repeat over and over again.  But we talked almost nightly and Ryan surprised me when he sent me a list of colleges near him with Master’s degree programs.  I had been accepted to graduate school a year earlier but didn’t have the money for school at the time.  I guess the thought was that I would go to school near him and we would stay together.

We started meeting about every other weekend in a town about half way.  However, one weekend I bought a plane ticket to fly to where Ryan lived.  The jerk was late picking me up from the airport by about 30 minutes.  I mean, this guy was going to have sex for the first time in 2 weeks and he looses track of time?  Give me a break, I should have flown back right then.  But I didn’t, I stayed and he was pretty nice.  He rented a car for me to use while he was at work and one night he got a room in a historic bed and breakfast nearby.

On one of our weekend middle of the way visits Ryan surprised me when he asked me to marry him.  Well he didn’t exactly ask me to marry him.  We had talked about where I might live if I went to school near him.  As we were discussing I mentioned that my parents would not like it if we lived together.  So that night as we sat on the bed in the hotel room Ryan said “I know a way we can live together” and was smiling.  I had to say “are you asking?”  He said “yes.”  And then I said yes.  In Ryan’s usual logical manner he had purchased a necklace and matching earrings.  I said they were beautiful but why did you get these (secretly wondering why he didn’t have a ring)?  Ryan said he was not sure if I would say yes but wanted to have something to give me and that he would purchase an engagement ring as soon as he could.  He did buy a ring for the next time we met but at the time I found it odd.

So about one year after we started dating, Ryan and I got married.  And we moved to the very small town in the Deep South where he now worked.

Life there was very difficult.  I was driving about 1 hour to school and knew nobody.  I was very young and this was supposed to be my time but now I was a wife.  One day I was alone in our apartment while Ryan was at work and I just started crying.  “Is this the only person I will have sex with for the rest of my life!”

After 2 very difficult years of life in that little Southern town Ryan started to look for jobs back in the Mid-Atlantic.  I was starting to break down and we both knew we had to leave or something bad would happen soon.  The only question left was, could we leave soon enough?

to be continued…..