Ryan's Repeats - It's All in Your Mind

I was really torn over which post from December, 2011 to repeat.  My first inclination was to either re-post my edited version of the Twelve Days of Christmas (with a sprinkle of Ryan's adult-centric humor) or a post about coffee or rather a generational analysis based on coffee consumption.

But I feel I have been straying from my mission and purpose of late and the last thing I need to do is another post about categorizing people.  Seems like between trips to California and the mall all I can think about is how to put a label on that cute cashier at Banana Republic or the hot mom in line for the Tower of Terror.

Of course you might ask me "Ryan I've been reading your blog for some time now and the only mission you seem to have is not working, chasing married women, working out at the gym, and finding ways to inconspicuously look at women's butts.  Am I missing something here?"

Well, you would mostly be right but at some point I wanted this blog to be about relationships or at least a little peak into the relationships this hapless married guy from the Greater Metropolitan Baltimore-DC area happened upon and how they affected me.

You know what, I think you are right maybe I should just talk about sports.  You see just this weekend one of my favorite teams lost a big game and ended their season.  It was one of those games that in retrospect hung on a few plays.  Early the game a defensive back for my team walked right in front of a screen pass on the 5 yard line.  He could have walked into the end zone but instead he dropped it.  Later, the other team clearly fumbled a punt but the refs missed the call.  Two big plays that didn't go our way.  But should we have won?  Who knows.  Probably not, the other team was the better team on that day so while a few plays could have made the game interesting and perhaps swung things our way we are really only left with the results.  I could play "arm-chair quarterback" all day but it won't change the ending result on the scoreboard.

You know it seems in life we so often play "arm-chair quarterback" with our relationships.  And as with all "arm-chair quarterbacks" we are always wise and correct because, of course, hindsight is 20-20.

But recently I have gotten some feedback from readers about their extramarital relationships as those relationships have either ended or transitioned.  And so it gave me pause to consider the end game to some of the relationships I have experienced through Ashley Madison.  Now that I think about it these relationships on AM seem to be somewhat like those Hunger Games we all seem to enjoy watching at the movie theatre.  As with the Hunger Games we all strive to succeed knowing that our success may well hurt someone.  We form allies to survive and use our guile to stay alive knowing that in the end the odds are not in our favor and for most it will end terribly.  And yet onward we proceed because in the end, in the arena, that is all that we can do.

So maybe each Saturday or Sunday afternoon we should just enjoy the game and not yell at the screen "quit running up the GD middle and throw the ball!"  And with our relationships maybe we should stop second-guessing and just live and enjoy them.  Because, as we know, sometimes the wrong team wins, often the "Career Tribute" wins the games, and often our extra-relationships fail.  We know that going in so don't be afraid of the outcome.

OH, and "may the odds be ever in your favor!"  I like that quote, I may use it sometime.


Ryan's Repeat
from December 12th and 16th, 2011.......

Part I:  And if You Give Me an Hour I'll Show You how I Feel

The big intersection with opportunity unfortunately came and went for Sandra and I.  Doug left for his family reunion later than expected and the day he was gone I just couldn't get away from work.

Sandra didn't really push because issues with her daughter and more specifically her son-in-law were getting really heated and she often had to help out with the kids.

You know there are levels of dissatisfaction.  Each of the women I had met (at this point 4) had significant issues with their husbands including being distant/detached, having low sex drive, or just simply being boring.  But hearing about Sandra's son-in-law was a new level.  In a word, her daughter was going through abuse and I have to say I really didn't know what to say or offer.  If it was my daughter I would know my response and the guy would get a first hand and personal lesson on abuse from me that he would not soon forget!  But I felt bad because from Sandra's description her husband Doug had really stepped up to the plate and helped out.  In fact I think she was worried that Doug was going to use some of that Marine training on her son-in-law (in my mind he deserved it).  But of course nobody would want to see Doug in jail.  Bottom line though, I really wasn't sure I had a place in this.

Regardless, there was not too much fun to report.  Sandra also had a birthday in July and was really fighting some depression as well.  Or at least outwardly so.

I also got the impression, just call it sixth sense, that she may have been seeing someone else.  I didn't have any hard evidence but the consistent last minute cancellations for some reason just gave me a sense that something else might be happening other than the family issues.

Anyway, as this Love and Rockets' song goes it was probably "all in my mind."

I have to say a better man would ride this out.  A bad man would start hitting AM again.  I guess I am a pragmatic man and so I started thinking about moving on knowing that it was probably not my place to lend a hand in Sandra's issues.  I would like to think that maybe it's best to step aside sometimes; she was in good hands with Doug - I was not sure she needed me.

 

Part II:  So Don't Be Unkind, It's All in My Mind

I mentioned in one of my Keeley posts that Sandra had sent me a note once saying "where did you go" when I had been absent for awhile.  It was not checking up on me, just a gentle nudge to make sure I was still out there.

With all her issues I just felt I should give her some space and see what happened.

My friend Kat has mentioned that blog and cyber-time is very different from reality.  I think it's like converting dog years to human years.  The time just goes much more quickly.  It may not seem like a long time to wait a week or two to e-mail someone.  But in cyber-time that is an eternity.

So as late July melted into August and as I just kept putting off e-mailing Sandra and as I never saw an e-mail in my inbox from her it started to become apparent that we were both moving on.

And I am not sure if I should say Sandra disappeared or if Ryan disappeared but in the end there was not reason to be unkind much was probably in my mind.  But regardless as we approached the end of summer, it was time to move on.  But Sandra is an awesome person and made me feel very good about myself.  I can only hope she thinks of me well also.

Btw, please note that I like the song but I don't wear make-up!  :)

Ryan's Repeats - The E Queens and Other Thoughtification

At first I just have to start the day by quoting those poignant lyrics by the enigmatic Disney Radio songstress Cher Lloyd!

"I wish I was tall, I wish I was fast; I wish I could shop with a bag full of cash.

'Cause if I want you I gotta have that.

I wish I had style, I wish I had flash; I wish I woke up with a butt and a rack!"

You know looking back on those "heady days" of flirting with all those AM E-Queens I really was emulating those Cher Lloyd lyrics.  You read a profile and think how can I come across as a little more "confident" or "kinky" or better yet how can I exemplify my knowledge of "cottage country!"  And of course we are all trying to project the fact that we are the most "clean and disease free!"

It really does seem like Anarchy defined; you think to yourself "I'm willing to be almost anything to this hot MILF because her profile reads 'hot and horny' and 'ready to be (my) love kitten.'  It's enough to drive a man to do some crazy things but hopefully maybe pause and take stock of one's life.

The other week I was chatting with Sassy about the vagaries of our peers and compatriots on Ashley Madison.  As we were discussing behavior it dawned on me that we need rules for this thing we've flocked to.  Of course me, who can only communicate through "song/movie quote," soon remembered the "Rules of Fight Club."  It was an "aha" moment!  Yes, this might be my Tyler Durden moment, I could stand before the masses and proclaim "THE RULES of Ashley Madison!"  But as Tyler was not a man but and image and a movement I didn't want to simply write this treatise on my blog, I wanted to pass it along or "pay it forward" so to speak.  So today after you read (or more likely skip over) my repeat post please check out the following blogs:

Olivia
Sassy
Simplicity

Each of these lovely ladies has agreed to be the conduit for my message about Ashley Madison and perhaps a higher calling as we endeavor to evolve along life's journey!  But more importantly they have agreed to give their analysis of this concept so please take a look - they are worth it!

BTW Cher, just so you know you are plenty cute for me; you REALLY don't need to grow a bigger butt and rack.  My only problem is that I'm old enough to be your dad.  But thanks for communicating that message to my daughter's that all they need to do is have a nice butt and rack and their life's problems will be solved!

Of course I suppose Cher's song could be sarcasm and poses some parallel allegorical analysis of how too often we equate success with physical beauty.  I watched the video to see if that was the case but unfortunately I'm a guy so I got carried away starring at her bu..eyes!  :)

Anyway below are links to a written project I completed some time ago.  That was a vital recording and accouting thereof my Adventures among those timed creatures the Ashley Madison "E-mail Queens" as Riff so aptly named them long ago.

Ryan's Repeats
from November 2011......


E-Queen #1:     Miss Soigne

E-Queen #2:     Aleah

E-Queen #3:     Mrs. Decorator

E-Queen #4:     NBA Girl

E-Queen #5:     Santa's Helper


OMG, I just realized something.  If Tyler Durden is right and I'm "not (my) *ucking khakis" what the hell am I going to wear from now on on casual Fridays!  :(

Oh well, because I'm all about education I have to share this with you also.  I saw it on funnyordie.com the other day - it's so hilarious!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f18103f320/how-to-get-girls-to-like-your-dick-pic

Ryan's Repeats - It's Not as though I Really Need You

My Shannon story was an afterthought at first, just a quick recap of how our marriage had gotten to the point of where I was surfing this Ashley Madison thing.  Because I often suffer from written dysentery discharge that original recap went beyond one post.  It then went beyond one, two, three... ten, a dozen, and finally a "baker's dozen."  But after all that written diarrhea I did get to that last post here.  And here is what I think is the best post of that series, perhaps my whole blog.  In my humble opinion it's clean, crisp, and raw just like those fine Gen X rockers from Athens, GA!

I found this Hemingway gif a few weeks ago and I think it's very aprapo for blogging and writing in general.  I think I finally followed that with this post, though a few words past 100.  You know I started out wanting to follow the lead of Jeff Goldblum's Journalist character from the Big Chill when he stated that he tried not to write "anything longer than the average person can read during an average crap."  I guess with the advent of tablets and smart phones that is still a tenet any blogger should aspire too!  :) 

The funny thing about my Shannon posts where that something that started out retelling sad stories and extremely difficult times in my life ended up a story of triumph and one I ended up so glad writing.  Even though I knew the end I started cheering for Shannon as I wrote these.  I am truly proud of her and I hope that came out in this post.  The story depicted in this post is in fact true.  I know this as Shannon pulled to the side of the road and called me soon after this conversation took place.  Of course the last line is fiction, I can't know if that is what she actually felt.  But knowing her I am sure her emotions where surely close.

"The girls were asleep in the back of the car and REM was playing on the radio."

I also have to admit that it so comforted me to write about her triumph and it did draw and unexpected emotional response within me that brought a rare tear to my eyes as I wrote and even as I read today.

Well, enough of that sappy stuff!

If you are looking for some October sex read my Keeley post from 2011 (it's a good'un too)!

Hey.... pssst....be sure to read to the end there might be a weird surprise down there somewhere!  Stop psst'ing Ryan, you'll ruin it!  :)

Ryan's Repeat
from October 16th, 2011......

Shannon’s Story – Part XIV

Part XIV of a series written from my wife’s perception of our life together. Part I of Shannon's story is here.

Shannon speaking......

All of my life I have depended on men. Up until graduating from college my dad took care of most of my needs changing oil in the car, paying for insurance, even bailing me out of a bad lease in an apartment once. I got married at 24 so in some sense I moved away from my dad and over to Ryan's care.


Over the past few years my career had really taken off. But to a large extent my world revolved around two axis, that of Ryan's and that of Brent's. As you found out in my last entry I was moving outside of Brent's world emotionally and perhaps physically if Ryan and I purchased the business we were looking for.


But as I drove down the highway to see family I was still very much under the sphere of influence of the men who had dominated my life for many years.


But in my life I have gotten accustomed to events changing rapidly.


The call from Mr. V, the company CEO, didn't alarm me at first - perhaps he needed help putting together a client dinner for some conference coming up. His tone was, as always, pleasant and professional as he went through the normal pleasantries of how I was doing and what I was doing over the holidays.


And then life turned again in a moment. The funny thing is it took me about 30 minutes and about 45 miles of driving to comprehend what was said.


The dialogue went something like this:


Mr. V: "Shannon, Laura (current VP of Marketing) has just informed us that she is taking an opportunity outside of the company. Now, we will start a national search for the position as soon as possible. However, we have many vital projects currently out in the field that must move forward. I know you are familiar with many of those projects as you have been working with Laura on many initiatives. In order to keep our positive momentum I would like to see you step into Laura's role on an interim basis. You are always very thorough on anything you do and I know you can navigate the politics of the position - I have complete faith in your ability to succeed."


I think my cryptic response was "sure Mr. V, I am glad to help in any way possible, you can count on me."


But over the next hour and 75+ miles (yes I drive fast) I realized that Mr. V was asking me to be the VP of Marketing for a billion $ company. Me, the girl with a BS in Art History from a small liberal arts college. The girl that would have been happy being a mom and volunteering at school. The girl that had married Ryan because he was going to be the VP.


Yes, I was excited about the challenge. But, I felt a sense of liberty that I didn't realize existed. The girls were asleep in the back of the car and REM was playing on the radio.


"It's not as though I really need you
If you were here I'd only bleed you
But everybody else in town only wants to bring you down and
That's not how it ought to be
Well I know it might sound strange, but I believe
You'll be coming back before too long


Don't go back to Rockville, don't go back to Rockville, don't go back to Rockville
And waste another year"


This was my time now, no time to waste.

Please check out this YouTube clip, they look so young. And I love the accentuated southern accent!

 

 

Oh wait.... who is this dude; he sounds so strange!

 

Is that REM being sung poorly wilst driving?

 

And is he really from Witchita?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ryan's Repeats - For a Smile They Can Share the Night

So this post sort of contains a hint of something Ryan old and a bit of something Ryan new.  I have always been a sports guy; swimming year-around, baseball in the summer, basketball in the winter, with a sprinkle of tennis, golf, racquetball, etc.  The one thing about me is that in addition to loving to play I'm a bit geeky about sports.  When I was little I remember I would love to make up schedules for my favorite teams and then play out those imaginary games on my garage basketball court or in the back yard.  I would even write out the boxscores of my mythical games and keep stats of my favorite players.  Yeah creepy, I know.

Am I witty social commentary?

Well the other thing I've been thinking of recently is this.  As I have said I minored in English at Big State U.  I wrote for the old high school and college newspaper, etc.  My only slight regret is not doing something with writing.  In fact I recently told another blogger that my secret dream for my next life is to be a freelance writer for Vanity Fair producing random commentary on politics, sports, food, lifestyle, etc.  Of course considering that I write a sex blog without much sex I can't image how bad my lifestyle colume would be; probably like that little old food critic in South Dakota that went virale with her critique of Olive Garden.

Or just the dweeb keeping score?

Anyway, put those two odd-ball topics together and you get a post like this something Ryan old (making up imaginary profiles) and something Ryan new (witty social commentary, in my mind).  You see some of my favorite posts have been the faux posts where I craft a fictions AM profile from a character. For some creepy reason I enjoy imagining what Giselle's (from Everafter) AM profile might look like. Below I did so for that famed White House Party crasher Michaela Salahi.  This also allowed me to create some satirical humor with how she might envision her climb up the DC social ladder which allowed me to attempt to craft some witty humor that might fit into a Funnyordie.com piece.  IDK, at least that is what my ego told me.

I know, big ego - but it passes the time on a boring day you know!

And who can resist poking fun at the Salahis (and Dan Snyder)!  :)


Ryan's Repeat
from September 18th, 2011

Or the Ashley Madison Adventures of a DC Divorce Crasher

This blog is many things. Some decent music quotes, a few recipes, and few silly tales of a good guy gone bad. But because I am one of those Insider Washington Elitists who believes the world revolves around that corridor between DC and Boston I feel I owe it to all you folks to bring you stories of vital importance!

So I just want to get out ahead of this story below.

Under that category of "who would have believed it would happen to them" apparently the Salahis of White House party crashing fame are now getting a divorce (see below).

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/tareq-michaele-salahi-white-house-party-crashers-divorce/story?id=14542577

Now this story seems to indicate former Journey guitarist Neil Schon as the culprit for the break-up. Apparently she has returned to her former occupation of groupie (that was before she was a Redskins cheerleader alternate).

But just to forewarn you if you hear of any mystery NOVA guys Michaele may have met via the internet just turn the TV set off if they say anything about a Ryan Beaumont! You know how the DC liberal media can skew everything! :)

But then again, if I have any post down the road about DCPartyCrashHousewifey you may know where it's coming from.

In fact just the other day I did see the following profile on AM:

JourneyGroupie83
"Into crashing backstages now!"
Age: 45
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 127
Appearance: Fit

Preferences? Shopping for Jimmy Choos in Chevy Chase (the suburb that is not stealing women's shoes from the SNL star), Bistros in Georgetown and Olde Town Alexandria

What Turns Me On? Aging stadium rock guitarists, the White House queso sauce, me in a Redskin's cheerleader outfit cheering for Chris Cooley. Looking as good as Michelle (I plan on being bff's with the FLotUS)

What am I Looking for? Somebody who is an invited guest and better yet the guy the party is for, I'm tired of crashing parties. Someone who has their own show so I don't have to share the camara with other ladies who think they are hotter than me and talk about my boobs behind my back! Dan Snyder to move to Dallas. But really I'm just a small town girl living in a lonely world wanting to take the train to anywhere!

* Authors Note: I just had to add the Dan Snyder sentence. :); Journey Groupie also checked everything except for Cottage Country and drug free! I guess if you're going to be a rock star groupie you have to make some exceptions for controlled substances!

Ryan's Repeat - All I Really Want is Girls

This is a test of the male ego alert system.......
 

If this was a real emergency involving a drunk dude hitting on you at a bar, you would have been alerted where to seek shelter.....
 

This is only a test.....

What I always wanted to accomplish in this blog was to give a true life, real world look into the sordid, tattered, warped world of the male mind.  In all it's base egoistic Id based needs I felt the male mind needed to be unearthed and presented to the females of the world in an unsanitized way.  Think of it like that scene in Jurassic Park when the scientist reaches into the Dinosaur poop.  Pretty gross but it had to be done!

 

Or better yet to read those grocery store aisle magazines you would think men are like that obelisk in 2001 A Space Odessey, something to be feared, marveled, and gingerly inspected.

If it ain't pizza or pussy I ain't in'ersted!

And so when you are at the grocery store you pick up that Red Book to learn the "10 Things Your Man Wants."  Problem is there ain't 10 things we want! 

 

Red Book don't kid yourself, we are not that complex; after sex, food, and sports there is a tremedous exponential drop off in marginal returns on male wants #4-10.  I don't even think I can name #4, 5, and 6 for me and I've been thinking about this post for a week!  World Peace, take a nap, a clean safe neighborhood, that hot early 30-something blond MILF that walks her dog in that tight tennis dress every night around 7 pm,...  Wait, see, even when I try to think of a top 10 I get to well, you know what!  :)

 

Yeah we are definitely more like those apes than that obelisk!

I think this post in many ways best represents the way us guys think (or not think).  Let's be real!

 

 

As they say "it is what it is" so "don't kill the messenger!"   :)

Ryan's Repeat

from August 30th, 2011.....

If I truly represent Gen X I had to eventually quote some Beastie Boys!

Do you remember way back when you got an allowance or maybe your granddad gave you a dollar just because. Of course then you went straight to the store to get a candy bar. And let’s just say in this analogy that the candy bar was $0.75 (remember, I’m pretty old now). Now, what did you do with that other $0.25 (we’re factoring out taxes right now)? Save it right?

Wrong!

Of course you walked around the store to find something that was exactly $0.25 even if it was some pack of cheapy gum; you were not going to walk out of that store with a single penny if your life friggin’ depended on it. Yep that’s right, human (dog) nature!

So what does that have to do with me? As we were venturing into winter everything was great right! Well, of course, but that never stopped a guy from doing something he shouldn’t.

Well, my little problem was that figuratively I had another quarter in my Ashley Madison pocket (or rather about 40 credits). I had been a very good boy for a few months, hiding my profile – not even thinking about it. But on one Saturday when I was at work and had too much idle time that quarter woke up and started burning a hole in my pocket.

Well what’s a guy to do? It won’t harm anything to take a quick peak – you don’t even need to unhide your profile on AM to do that. I had been getting those e-mails from AM telling me about new ladies in the area but had simply been ignoring since things were so good with Sandra – who needed it. So I faced that moral dilemma and as with the kid in the candy store I think you know what side wins!

So I took just a quick peak at the new ladies in the area. Some very interesting ladies just happened have signed up recently including LonelyNDC, Needmorenow, Channel, SexyNtheCity, Wouldliketochat…. Well Wouldliketochat wasn’t really – what kind of name is that, who want’s to do just that? Not me of course!

And then I saw her. Her photo just jumped out at me. Long vibrant wavy Auburn hair down to the middle of her back with lovely shoulders exposed from a sleeveless sundress. Yes, SexyLady was worth reading about and she was online at that very moment! So I printed off her profile so I could draft a witty note highlighting all of her interests and meshing them with mine.

Among other things she was looking for tall, dark, and handsome; witty; a bad boy; a boy next door (I love it when a lady does that), etc.

So a lot of good info and a lot of my old stuff I can draw from. So among other things I say.

Dear Ms Beautiful Auburn Hair,

“I’m 6’ and 1/64 Choctaw Indian so I think I qualify for tall, dark, and handsome or at least I am for most of the summer. Bad boy and boy next door, do you have a split personality? Well good because I am a bad boy next door! As for intelligence I do have an MBa and a Minor in English from ******** **** which of course makes me brilliant! Unless you are a fan of *** then, well… I do know how to read. Oh – and I’m a sucker for long beautiful Auburn hair!”

And of course I did all the bullet pointed Riff Dog type stuff.

Oh, yes I guess I did send some notes out to Chanel, Needmorenow, and Lonely as well, but I’ll have to get to those later.   :)

So about 30 minutes later I get a message back from Sexy Lady.

“like your note, you made me laugh but I deleted it by mistake can you write again?”

So of course I said, screw this and left for the day. NOT!

I wrote back…

“OMG, I put my soul into that note and you know you can’t just cut and paste in this cruddy AM editor! But hey, what’s $4 among friends, so here you go. It’s good I took typing in middle school although I think I just told you how old I am J

A bit daring but I think witty.

She shot back. “Thanks I would rather have you save your money to buy me a dirty martini. Btw, I like your school but I’m not into American football. I’m more of a rugby fan.”

Hmmm….now who around here says American football and likes rugby? Oh boy, I think I have a Brit on the line here! Thank you, thank you AM! And I like the Dirty Martini idea!

So I write back. “Yes us old guys know how to type and that is why we’re so good with our hands! Those young guys are all thumbs with the texting J Don’t like American football, am I sensing someone from a far away island nation?”

She writes back and says “I am not from here but not from England either, think way south.”

Oh Crikey, I think she’s an Aussie! TABA NABA! So I ask her if she is from a land down under and ask if we can segue over to e-mail.

The answer is yes and yes among other things and she gives me her e-mail and signs off,

xoxo, Keeley.

“I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile”

“I like girls!”

Author’s Note: I have a real thing for English accents. In fact there are a few lady bloggers who whenever I read them for some reason I hear them with an English accent – I guess it’s just a weird fetish! Of course, I still love a good Southern Belle’s accent as well and I probably could even go for Fran Dresher’s Jersey accent if she was saying “hahdah Ryan hahdah, hahdah!” Well, I guess I like any type of accent on a hot lady!

Ryan's Repeats - We Adore Each Filthy Chore

OK It gets really bad when you are re-posting a re-peat post, but it is what it is and it's just too damn hot right now to think so here you go!

Really though my point here today is something that I've been harping on a lot recently and that is comments!  Comments are like the secret elixir to bloggers, a sweet honey that makes it all worthwhile and makes you strive for more.  And when you get a comment from a blogger you have a "blog-crush" on, well, that is ALmost as good as..... (well, you know)!  :)

So the original (re-post) of "We Adore Each Filthy Chore" is here.  What made me really excited is that one of my all time biggest "blog-crushes," Kimberly Errant Wife said this:

3 comments:

Kimberlysaid...

Giselle seeks a FWB - I am laughing my ass off over here! Genius!

July 29, 2011 at 10:32 PM

Dang, I sure do miss her blog!  And why do I seem to be stuck on this countrified vernacular recently, IDK?  It is pretty pathetic that I am such a slave to comments and even more so from my certain "blog crushes."  But as I always say, this is 'da place to tell it all on yourself!

Not so happily ever after!

But I did really enjoy writing this post and the follow up post and follow up to the follow up post.  This was one of my earlier "fictional/faux" pieces.  I kind of enjoy sitting back and analyzing this whole Ashley Madison Experience and try to think about how it might affect others.  I remember thinking I might do a whole series of Disney Princesses on Ash Mad.  I wonder what Belle would be looking for when she got tired of the Beast's lack of housekeeping and poor hygene.  What would Aurora be thinking when she realized loves first kiss doesn't mean he's a pistol in bed and does she really have to deal with pre-mature ejaculation for the next 40 years!  What happens to Cinderella and her Prince Charming when as I heard once "he changed from a Greek God to a Goddamed Greek!"  And poor Ariel who gave up a gorgeous Beach Front castle (other side of the beach that is) and a singing career to a dude who can't figure out who the hell he wants to be and is always on the road!

Yeah, happily ever after can be a real bitch.  But thanks to Ash Mad sometimes for a few hours we can at least get a little bit of a "happy ending" if you catch my drift!  :)

It's almost midnight bitches!

Ryan's Repeat
from July 29th, 2011............


Ryan's Liner Notes: This was a two part post so I have included the second post below the first.

So I am always fascinated with paradox/satire (e.g. Catch 22, Catcher in the Rye, Slaughterhouse 5, Ball Four). I had written a post a month earlier and wondered about a sequal to one of my favorite movies that would involve Ashley Madison. Then I started to think about fairy tales and what happens when you get everything you ever wanted? Are you then happy forever? Do you start wanting other things?

So what would happen if we followed one of those Disney Fairytales to the next day or the next year. Would Prince Charming and Cinderella still be happy? Would reality make life difficult just like it does for you and I. How would they reconcile reality? Is he/she really Mr/Ms Right or just Mr/Ms Right Now who will turn into Mr/Ms Wrong in 5 years. We don't do the same things we did 10 years ago, eat the same food, watch the same movies, etc. So how can we expect to be satisfied with the same life partner year after year unless magically we evolve together in sync. Wow, that would be the real fairly tale!

A lot of interesting concepts that are made even more interesting when you add a devilish little concept like Ashley Madison! Wow, married dating, who would have thunk it?

So re-enjoy my twisted little tale!


We Adore Each Filthy Chore
Ashley Madison Theatre – Enchanted II

For some time I have been thinking about taking a stab at some fiction. I’ve enjoyed the FFF’s but wanted to come up with a concept on my own. About 2 months ago I posted the following:

http://regularguygonebad.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-are-reason-ive-been-waiting-all.html

In that post I speculated a sequel to one of my favorite movies that would involve characters finding and using Ashley Madison after their fairly tale gets a bit old. So with that thought my warped mind conjured up a series of sequels to some of our favorite fairly tales where let’s just say our characters deviate off course just a bit perhaps allowing themselves to taste that poison apple that is Ashley Madison!

So here is Enchanted II – Giselle Seeks a FWB

The wedding was beautiful and Giselle was the picture of enchantment in the gorgeous gown she designed herself. She was a bit surprised when Robert chose the Poconos as their honeymoon location but was touched when he said “life with you will be a honeymoon and I want to get started on our life as soon as possible!” “Oh that Robert” she thought “always so practical.” But that’s what she loved about him.

Life was wonderful. Robert was so happy, things were great at work, Morgan finally had the mommy she needed, and of course Giselle was a knockout! Perhaps a bit timid and reluctant in bed at first but she would learn!

Giselle was delighted at her life as well. She finally had the real home she always wanted and a husband and daughter who really needed her. She delighted in sending them off every morning and meeting them at the door as they came home. Yes, Robert was a bit of a slob and disorganized but it was wonderful to have someone to take care of, to sing to, to love. And people were actually buying her dresses she never considered that people would seek her talents, would look to her as someone of great consequence!

And so the Philips lived happily ever after (for now)!

Fast forward 5 years……

Robert slammed the phone down after Giselle called and said she couldn’t pick up Morgan from ballet. “Another meeting with a buyer running late, this Andalusia dresses was just supposed to be a hobby – now it’s a god damn way of life with her, what’s with her!?”

Robert was now representing Brad Pitt in his divorce with Angelina Jolie (who saw that coming); the settlement there alone would be enough for Giselle to never have to work again. Robert thought he had met his soul mate, a woman who would make a home for him and Morgan and who he could cherish and take care of. Now he was married to a career!

When Giselle got home she dropped her coat on the chair and then sighed in agony. My god what an absolute pig! What type of man lacks the common ability to hang up an article of clothing, place dirty cloths in a washing machine, or simply rinse a dish and load a dishwasher? I was to be a queen in Andalusia, this pig thinks I am some common service wench, screw him! People pay me good money to design beautiful clothes for famous people. Then I come home and this guy who makes money off people's sorrows expects me to make Mac & Cheese and wash his filthy tighty whities? I didn’t sign up for this!

Robert and Giselle had a roaring argument that night. Robert would be in heavy negotiations over the Pitt/Jolie divorce and needed Giselle to handle getting Morgan ready for her recital over the next week. But Giselle dropped the big bomb that she was leaving for Paris next Tuesday. Apparently Jean Paul Chooblahnik wanted to design his entire fall shoe collect around Giselle’s dresses. This was the big break she had longed for. This was a line in the sand!

To Robert’s dismay Giselle boarded her Air France jet for destiny. She cried when Morgan waved, she would miss the recital – but the Paris collection was also her dream. The City of Lights was all she dreamed it would be and her dresses were the talk of the show.

At an after party she met Javier a young Portuguese tennis ace who was intrigued by her. After her 4^th Cosmopolitan Giselle was very happy and feeling her femininity standing there next to Javier. Being the object of desire was a feeling she had not had in several years. Soon she was in Javier’s room. In the bathroom he grabbed her and kissed her passionately. Soon her dress was around her ankles and his tongue was between her legs. He spun her around and soon she was bent over with her hands on the sink. She was shocked at what was happening. She had seen forest animals screw like this but had never been on the receiving end. Robert was so gentle and sweet with his love making, like an afternoon nap tranquil, quiet, peaceful. Javier’s glistening body was now behind her slapping against her behind in quick rhythm like a tremendous machine.

She felt something in her pelvis. Was she going to throw up in disgust? Not hardly, her stomach quickly felt that same exhilaration she felt on her first roller coaster ride as she plunged down 100 feet. And then there was the gusher she felt between and then down her legs. She screamed in exhilarating bliss! The next two hours, once in the middle of the night, and the next morning were a cavalcade of passionate, energetic sex.

There was another after party the next night where Giselle hoped to meet Javier again. When she didn’t see him she thought she would surprise him in his room. The door was slightly open and when she walked in she saw two hookers, three super models, and three very masculine male underwear models. Apparently Giselle was the last thing in Paris that Javier had not screwed other than a few wall sockets!

Giselle cried the whole night.

But the next day was her big show with Chooblahnik, her professional coming out party.

It was a brilliant success. Giselle returning to New York a fashion star, and Andalusia dresses was on everybody’s lips. Javier was a distant memory.

But at DeGaulle airport she saw a funny ad that caught her eye “La Vie est Courte, vous devriez avoir une affaire – Ashley Madison.” She knew a little French and so she googled Ashley Madison a few days later when she was back home.

“My heavens” she thought, people actually sign up to kiss people they are not married to?

Of course after a few days she couldn’t hold off anymore and she signed up.

NoMorePrincess2011

“Not looking for another prince charming”

Age 34

5’4” 115# (fit)

Attached Female Looking for Males

Undecided

Never Smokes

Preferences: Oh these silly checks! I want someone who respects who I am and what I do. No drama! And pick up after yourself, I’m not your mother. Oh, and I don’t like apples so don’t try to buy me an apple martini

What Turns Me On: Up until now I have been turned on when guys save me from trolls, catch me when I fall, or slap me on the rear when they are screwing me in front of a hotel bathroom mirror, just found that one out, lol J

What I am Looking For: I have a nice guy at home and could have married a prince back home so I’m not looking for nice. I want someone who will jump off a cliff with me and take me to places I have never been!

to be continued…….


That's How She Knows You Love Her
Ashley Madison Theater - Enchanted II (Giselle Seeks a FWB)

continued....

Giselle signed up for Ashley Madison on a Friday afternoon but then got caught up in another busy weekend of taking care of Robert and Morgan. By Monday she had hardly remembered her impulsive action. But late in the afternoon she did remember and thought she would take a look - "I wonder if anyone is out there, a lonely gentleman just looking to find another lost soul out there to sing with and to adore?"

So what do you think she found? Yep, apparently there were 300+ gentlemen in greater NYC that were in fact looking for NoMorePrincess!

First Giselle thought "what are all of these winks and key requests - I don't have a key to the castle?"

Then she started taking a look at some of those pictures.

"Oh my," she thought, "showing me your winkie is NOT a proper way to introduce oneself to a lady!"

"And these names sleezy, winkie, humpie, suckie.... am I in some perverted fairly tale - Slut Wife and the Seven Horny Dwarves? I don't know about this Ashley Madison at all!"

But the attention was gratifing and she had an hour to kill before going home so she continued to look now focusing on the few actual thoughtful messages and ignoring winks and private access pictures.

She finally found one that actually looked interesting. It was:

LawyerUp
"If your looking for a Dr. McDreamy type guy"
6' 175#
Age 39
Attached Male Looking for Females
Undecided
Never Smokes

His note read as follows:

Dear No Princess,

If you like Pina Coladas, getting lost in the rain, if your not into yoga, if you have half a brain..."

Just kidding but if you would like to escape with me to the Dunes of the Cape (or just the Hamptons) I would love to hear more about you!

I enjoyed reading your profile and I would like to have that feeling of jumping off a cliff with someone special! And no apples :)

Please take a look at my profile and let me know if I can share anything more about myself with you.

Take Care, McD

Giselle thought to herself "this Mr. McDreamy does sound, well dreamy!"

Giselle and her Ashley Madison gentleman corresponded several times the next day on Ashley Madison and then transitioned to her new gmail account. At first just kind words about how the day was going and that the weather was nice. But soon they started sharing their erotic fantasies.

McDreamy said: I want to share passion, not just someone on the receiving end of me, someone who is in rhythm with me, who is willing to lead and to follow and explore where we can collectively go....

Giselle said: I want to be treated like a lady but a lady that you just can't wait to see; gasping to hold and to ravish and discover every part of....

It sounded like they both wanted the same thing which is to say not the same old thing they were currently getting in their relationships. So with that they decided to meet at a bistro McDreamy knew of in the Village that would be far enough away from where each worked and lived.

Giselle was excited. McDreamy said he would be coming from work so he would be in a grey suit with a blue tie. Giselle said she would have on a tight form fitting yellow dress that would give great contour to her well formed body (and added a very thin black thong underneath)!

As McDreamy walked up to the maitre d' he saw her. God, she was hot! Long red hair (strangly just like Giselle), long thin legs (he would like to lick up and down), and what an ass - almost ready to pop out of that dress! He tapped her on the shoulder and said "my dear princess, it is I ..."

Giselle's heart seized as she heard those words from that familiar voice. She turned and yes it was Robert!

"Oh Robert!"

"Giselle!"

They both said in tandem "What are you doing here? Are you (Not Princess/Lawyer Up)? I don't know what your talking about? OK, yes I am but......wow you look fabulous!"

And then they laughed.

Inside the restaurant a familiar song was playing... "It was my own lovely lady and she said, 'Oh, it's you,'
then we laughed for a moment, and I said 'I never knew.'"

After lunch Robert and Giselle made love all afternoon, on every piece of furniture, and in every room (except the bed and bedroom) :) It was more than just that first time feeling, it was a re-awakening. And it was wonderful to be re-ignited with someone who they cared for so much!

And they lived happily ever after with perhaps an occasional hiccup!

Ryan's Repeats - 88 Lines About 44 Women (bloggers)

You know as I go through the blog I remember posts I forgot about.  Last month in a fit about comments I re-posted my Airline Meet 'n Seat post.  But last week when I was looking for a June, 2011 post to re-post I remembered this post which actually is the post that had the most legitimate comments. I also got a comment from Ms Inconspicuous which was always an even more special and rare treat than a comment from Riff.  I think the only comment I ever valued more was probably from Kimberly Errant Wife when I made her "lmfao!"  But I guess I'll have to get to that post next month.

But what I really enjoyed about reviewing this old post was remembering those past bloggers that (now so unfortunately long gone) were the "it" bloggers when I first started out.  Wow how I tried to emulate Riff and admired Ms I, Elle, Kim and how much I looked forward to posts from Holly.  I miss those days and I miss those bloggers but I do have fond memories.  Hopefully this is a nice way to remember as well.

But really some advice here, nothing gets comments like mentioning other bloggers and putting links to everyone's blog.  Maybe that's why I got so many comments on this post.  I guess maybe that goes along with that "attracting more bees with honey" thing I heard once.

Anyway this is a cute but rather silly song.  I can only hope you think the same of this blog!  :)

Author's note:  as I was writing this post I was also thinking about that Jim Carroll song "These are the People Who Died."  Jim Carroll btw is the author of the autobiography "The Basketball Diaries" that was later made into a movie and starred Leo DiCaprio as Carroll.  More useless info from Ryan I guess!

But I finished this song with the lyrics mentioning Holly as I always felt a kindred spirit with her.  That Jim Carroll song ends with the lyrics "and Eddie I miss you more than all the others and I salute you brother; this song is for you my brother."

And so for all those old bloggers this song (and post) is for you my brothers!  :)

Ryan's Repeat

from June 20th, 2011........

The other day Richard Blade from XM's First Wave played the song below by the Nails.  Please take a quick listen to get the rhythm.  Rarely in my life do moments of inspiration occur for me, let's face it - I'm not that deep!  But by the end of the ride I decided that I owed the world and more importantly the women of the bloggosphere an Ode!  So soon I started to mentally write my version of 88 Lines about 36 Women (& 24 Bloggers) - my ode to some of the ladies who inspire me!

88 Lines About 36 Women (& 24 Bloggers)

by Ryan B

Belle Amie was the first to Follow

Now I'm sure she doth think me Hollow

Kimberly was my first girl blog desire

If I could have her I know I would retire

Jane you are so non-PC

You must think me a complete weenie

Misty one day I'll see you at the track

If I do I probably won't come back

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Southern Red I love your town

I'm just so glad you didn't drown

Agnes why are you so fraught

Come stay with me I'll make sure we don't get caught

Scarlett your boy names sound so English

Ryan's Irish how'd you like that dish 

Wave Rider that profile pic is fun, it fills me with glee

I drive right past it don't you see

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Rocker Girl that girl is you

What's on your mind tell me true

Ella I like when you write of the Shire

I'd be glad to jump on, I'm for hire

J you seem to like your vodka

Wow, nothing rhymes just let me be your Screwdriva'

Me you say you want some suga'

Change that to salt and chase me down with tequila

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Lady Inconspicuous I love that you like bluegrass

But my o' my you have one fine as. (pair of eyes) :)

Elle you are so young and fine

If I were not so old I'd make you mine

Coquette if Riff is not enough for you

Fly to DC, we know how to screw

And Riff some say you are a gal

So that is why I include you now

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Pocket Rocketz your FFF's are fun

But don't let that mascara run

Suburban Mom I'm sure you're hot

But I'm a foodie too, I enjoy reading what's in your pot

Dusty Bunny your blog is a bit creepy

Counting down to Halloween I see, I still read it with glee

Sadie, wow you wrote the book

Now what can I do to get a look

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

OK so since I don't read enough

Let's search my blog to get more stuff

Miranda you seemed so cute and sassy

A secret pic from your wedding now that was classy

Beach Bunny you're always online

I write and write to no reply

Suzanne you said I was an ass

I'm sure you're not to be the last

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Ciao Bella you really like your shoes

I wish I could've taken off those Jimmy Choos

E Red you want a Sugar Daddy

I'm not real liquid but I know you'd like this laddy

Brian are you looking for the walrus?

That was John but what about us

Renee sometimes I still see you at the gym

No rhyme hear 'cause in my mind I just say damn your fine

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Alecia you never did say no

You just didn't tell me where to go

Sandra thanks for all you do

Yeah that's an easy rhyme 'cause I surely like doing it with you

Leah you love to chat and chat

I wonder if you'd actually come back

Keeley ooh I loved that accent it was a wonder

You made me enjoy it all down under

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Spring Flower I wrote about your dreams

Now I want to make you scream

GLNO for some reason your travels seem like my wife

but its no cause I think for strife

Cracklin' Rosie your a store bought woman

but you make me sing like a guitar hummin'

Sorry Rosie I didn't mean to steal

'Cause your comments always keep it real

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

 Shannon dear I list you here

But you truly make me need to drink a beer

Because I take all your shit

Surely you'd let me lick your clit

And since I just cut the grass

Why oh why can't I have some (gl)ass

Ah but dear you are still so fine

I wish I still enjoyed you slowly like sweet red wine

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm

Kat you know you have such class

You tell us how to *uck your ass

And I know your always on the prowl

One day I would like to make you howl

Holly I save you for last

'cause reading you I always have a blast

But Holly dear I think I like you best

One day you might just be my quest

Hmmmm...Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mm Mmmmmmm



Hey, I'm on Facebook now!
http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=100002464477196

You ever notice how this blog always seems to post things right after Riff posts something???  Don't you just hate a shameless leech!  :)  Hey, and I just moved up to reading on a 5th grade level so if I missed you be patient, I'm trying to catch up - I'm sure I can come up with more stupid lyrics somewhere down the road!