Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Ryan's Repeat - All I Really Want is Girls

This is a test of the male ego alert system.......
If this was a real emergency involving a drunk dude hitting on you at a bar, you would have been alerted where to seek shelter.....
This is only a test.....

What I always wanted to accomplish in this blog was to give a true life, real world look into the sordid, tattered, warped world of the male mind.  In all it's base egoistic Id based needs I felt the male mind needed to be unearthed and presented to the females of the world in an unsanitized way.  Think of it like that scene in Jurassic Park when the scientist reaches into the Dinosaur poop.  Pretty gross but it had to be done!
Or better yet to read those grocery store aisle magazines you would think men are like that obelisk in 2001 A Space Odessey, something to be feared, marveled, and gingerly inspected.

If it ain't pizza or pussy I ain't in'ersted!
And so when you are at the grocery store you pick up that Red Book to learn the "10 Things Your Man Wants."  Problem is there ain't 10 things we want! 
Red Book don't kid yourself, we are not that complex; after sex, food, and sports there is a tremedous exponential drop off in marginal returns on male wants #4-10.  I don't even think I can name #4, 5, and 6 for me and I've been thinking about this post for a week!  World Peace, take a nap, a clean safe neighborhood, that hot early 30-something blond MILF that walks her dog in that tight tennis dress every night around 7 pm,...  Wait, see, even when I try to think of a top 10 I get to well, you know what!  :)
Yeah we are definitely more like those apes than that obelisk!

I think this post in many ways best represents the way us guys think (or not think).  Let's be real!

As they say "it is what it is" so "don't kill the messenger!"   :)

Ryan's Repeat
from August 30th, 2011.....

If I truly represent Gen X I had to eventually quote some Beastie Boys!

Do you remember way back when you got an allowance or maybe your granddad gave you a dollar just because. Of course then you went straight to the store to get a candy bar. And let’s just say in this analogy that the candy bar was $0.75 (remember, I’m pretty old now). Now, what did you do with that other $0.25 (we’re factoring out taxes right now)? Save it right?


Of course you walked around the store to find something that was exactly $0.25 even if it was some pack of cheapy gum; you were not going to walk out of that store with a single penny if your life friggin’ depended on it. Yep that’s right, human (dog) nature!

So what does that have to do with me? As we were venturing into winter everything was great right! Well, of course, but that never stopped a guy from doing something he shouldn’t.

Well, my little problem was that figuratively I had another quarter in my Ashley Madison pocket (or rather about 40 credits). I had been a very good boy for a few months, hiding my profile – not even thinking about it. But on one Saturday when I was at work and had too much idle time that quarter woke up and started burning a hole in my pocket.

Well what’s a guy to do? It won’t harm anything to take a quick peak – you don’t even need to unhide your profile on AM to do that. I had been getting those e-mails from AM telling me about new ladies in the area but had simply been ignoring since things were so good with Sandra – who needed it. So I faced that moral dilemma and as with the kid in the candy store I think you know what side wins!

So I took just a quick peak at the new ladies in the area. Some very interesting ladies just happened have signed up recently including LonelyNDC, Needmorenow, Channel, SexyNtheCity, Wouldliketochat…. Well Wouldliketochat wasn’t really – what kind of name is that, who want’s to do just that? Not me of course!

And then I saw her. Her photo just jumped out at me. Long vibrant wavy Auburn hair down to the middle of her back with lovely shoulders exposed from a sleeveless sundress. Yes, SexyLady was worth reading about and she was online at that very moment! So I printed off her profile so I could draft a witty note highlighting all of her interests and meshing them with mine.

Among other things she was looking for tall, dark, and handsome; witty; a bad boy; a boy next door (I love it when a lady does that), etc.

So a lot of good info and a lot of my old stuff I can draw from. So among other things I say.

Dear Ms Beautiful Auburn Hair,
“I’m 6’ and 1/64 Choctaw Indian so I think I qualify for tall, dark, and handsome or at least I am for most of the summer. Bad boy and boy next door, do you have a split personality? Well good because I am a bad boy next door! As for intelligence I do have an MBa and a Minor in English from ******** **** which of course makes me brilliant! Unless you are a fan of *** then, well… I do know how to read. Oh – and I’m a sucker for long beautiful Auburn hair!”

And of course I did all the bullet pointed Riff Dog type stuff.

Oh, yes I guess I did send some notes out to Chanel, Needmorenow, and Lonely as well, but I’ll have to get to those later.   :)

So about 30 minutes later I get a message back from Sexy Lady.

“like your note, you made me laugh but I deleted it by mistake can you write again?”

So of course I said, screw this and left for the day. NOT!

I wrote back…

“OMG, I put my soul into that note and you know you can’t just cut and paste in this cruddy AM editor! But hey, what’s $4 among friends, so here you go. It’s good I took typing in middle school although I think I just told you how old I am J

A bit daring but I think witty.

She shot back. “Thanks I would rather have you save your money to buy me a dirty martini. Btw, I like your school but I’m not into American football. I’m more of a rugby fan.”

Hmmm….now who around here says American football and likes rugby? Oh boy, I think I have a Brit on the line here! Thank you, thank you AM! And I like the Dirty Martini idea!

So I write back. “Yes us old guys know how to type and that is why we’re so good with our hands! Those young guys are all thumbs with the texting J Don’t like American football, am I sensing someone from a far away island nation?”

She writes back and says “I am not from here but not from England either, think way south.”

Oh Crikey, I think she’s an Aussie! TABA NABA! So I ask her if she is from a land down under and ask if we can segue over to e-mail.

The answer is yes and yes among other things and she gives me her e-mail and signs off,
xoxo, Keeley.

“I like the way that they walk
And it's chill to hear them talk
And I can always make them smile
From White Castle to the Nile

“I like girls!”

Author’s Note: I have a real thing for English accents. In fact there are a few lady bloggers who whenever I read them for some reason I hear them with an English accent – I guess it’s just a weird fetish! Of course, I still love a good Southern Belle’s accent as well and I probably could even go for Fran Dresher’s Jersey accent if she was saying “hahdah Ryan hahdah, hahdah!” Well, I guess I like any type of accent on a hot lady!

1 comment:

rachel-xx said...

I think you are dead on Ryan. I once dated a bodybuilding philosopher. He said men were all about sex, sleep, and food. To him, the ultimate three-way was finding a way to do these three things at the same time.