Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The World's Made Up of This and That

Or A Little Less Conversation

The Ashley Madison Project Results (and reflections)
Part I (maybe)
from the ever (d)evolving mind of Ryan Beaumont.....

Oh wow if there was ever an instance of "be careful what you ask for....."  I was worried about this project because you always worry about throwing a party and then nobody coming.  Fortunately us humans are curious and I think much like we all tend to look at that car crash we are driving by no less than 6 ladies took a peak and/or winked at Mr. NotForest.  What took place after?  Well, let's just say "what happens in Bayou La Batre, stays in Bayou La Batre!"  :)

Just kidding, that wouldn't make much of a post would it!

Before I say anything further though I want to send out a big thanks to all the lovely ladies that participated - it was a blast.  As Hemingway once said "you learn a lot about a woman by not sleeping with her."

So in no particular order let's talk about how I came to know Green Eyed Midwest Gal, Northern Exposure, MS Southern Sweet Tea, MyVALUVA, Heartland Belle, and ClassySoxieLassie.  Of course the AM names here are changed to protect the innocent.  I mean really who wants it to get out that they have been winking at this dipstick blogger!  :)

I.     Mrs. Green Eyed Midwest Gal - here is a great place to insert one of my all time favorite quotes which is very applicable to AM "be quick but never hurry."  On the evening that I put up the post invitation she checked out my profile (I saw under "who viewed me").  Btw ladies "who viewed me" is basically "I've looked at your profile and I want you badly big daddy," in guy mentality.  I checked out her profile and was immediately captivated.  First off Mrs. Eyes - best Caption Greeting eva' to you "I think I could fall madly in bed with you," AWESOME!  Mrs. Eyes had a very sexy picture of her legs at the foot of an apparent hotel room bed.  She had an effective economy of language that supported the fact that she is a confident (probably very professional) female who knows what she wants.

She mentioned she was looking for a healthy amount of lust and that it takes a certain amount of chemistry and attraction on both sides to have a "fun fling."  She said she was looking for a man who knew when to be a gentleman and when not to be.  She laid it right out there saying "this type of relationship is only worth it if the sex is phenomenal.... I'm looking for exceptional, aren't you?"

So what does one do when you find such a stunning and confident lady?  Of course you do something stupid like immediately click private showcase request.  You know it's not like I haven't read a 1,000 times how much ladies hate the key requests and winks without any notes and then what does Ryan do after promising a professionally written note? Yeah buddy "be quick but never hurry!"

I don't drink Scotch but I often look confused
OK a mistake made but let's rebound now.   I drafted a fairly quick message in an attempt to get the note there before she rolled her eyes at my showcase request.  On the fly I think I did pretty good.  I have to admit though I am not my best with women like Mrs. Green Eyes.  It's not that I don't like confident women, I do.  It's just, if you've read my blog, I think you will understand that I tend to hit it off with the flaky/free spirited whimsical type.  If you are looking for stylish, sullen, brooding, cerebral Don Draper - well that really ain't me.

But I've got a little secret I use when I'm writing, I imagine myself writing to a specific women.  So then the question is, who is Mrs. Green Eyes?   The "fall madly into bed with you" line so playfully blanketed by the lusty yet candid thoughts to my mind could only be none other than Mae West.  I may not be Don Draper, let's face it; 1) I'm not a raging alcoholic, 2) I wouldn't screw a neighbors wife, and 3) I'm just too damn happy.  But I could be Cary Grant and Cary Grant and Mae West make one damn fine couple.  So let's not beat around the bush.  Let's be direct but slightly playful, forward but flirty.  We don't want to be shy but let's show some style and esprit de corps!

Now I'm thinking one Don Draper-esque note with Cary Grant accents was what was called for here.  I decided I better set aside my typical Will Ferrell'esque routine.

Here are my thoughts to Mrs. Green Eyes:

"Apology first, I was clicking and sent private showcase request 1st. I never do that until I've written a note. I'm old school but us old schoolers are much better than those all thumbs "smart phone" dudes! I'm ashamed because generally I'm so good with my fingers - I like to let them move slowly and rhythmically over the board or whatever pretty tapestry I'm working with at that point in time. I see you like stylish and classy so my old school Don Draper schtick may be like smooth Scotch over crisp cool ice. Or maybe a nice Belini.

I know just where to have that first drink now that I have the urge to go straight to a meeting suggestion. See you have me out a whack and going off script. I hoped a friend from ******* would come knocking. How do drinks at the *** ****** Piano Bar sound and then we can find a way down **** ***** Drive to anywhere quiet and peaceful!

So I see you enjoy new and fantastic experiences and expect the best. Ever see that Brit comedy Absolutely Fabulous. That's me! Well, I like Brit humor and most ladies find me well fabulous as well.

I'm 6' tall so I believe that allows me to check tall. You didn't mention dark and handsome but I'm 1/64 Choctaw Indian so I have that (in the summer).

But those are just words as you say phenominal is in the moment which is where I want to be. A fabulous third place beyond the outside world, like stepping into a picture.

So what is daring, kinky, erotic? I think slow conversation over those Belini's followed by a long lingering walk down ******** to a special place. Perhaps a stop on a corner for a long warm kiss that could melt for hours yet must end lest we forget where gravity pulls us. Once in a room away from the crowd anything wild, animal, crazy, and energetic is fun but like that cool ice in warm scotch I want to melt into someone gliding together in rhythm that crescendos to a beautiful beat until we cascade down that roller coaster hill together grabbing pulling and screaming!"

Honestly, that is WAY more forward than I tend to be on AM.  But Mrs. Green Eyes seems as if she is a fast paced lady with not a lot of time on her hands for the typical "cock and bull" AM story (ha, ha get it; the stupid guys send you a cock shot with a little bull to the side)! Sorry that was back to my Will Ferrell routine.  Anyway, I see her as a bullet points gal who wants to know what a guy wants and then take the time to enjoy that slowly once comfortable and for Christ sake know how to use an adjective properly (I bet she was good at English back in college).

II.    Northern Exposure - If Mrs. Green Eyes had the best greeting Mrs. Northern Dancer was a close second with "excitement, butterflies, lust, and little danger please."   Wow, you Canuck lasses know how to give a guy instructions!

Northern Exposure among other things is "looking for a feeling...desire, lust, excitement...chemistry and sensuality."  She admitted that she "is spoiled and always wants more."  She ended her profile with "write something funny and slightly intriguing and I will be hooked."

OMG Northern Exposure "funny and slightly intriguing?"  The Ryan Experience was made for you darlin'!  Btw ladies don't ever be afraid to say you are spoiled, want more, expect the best, yada, yada.  It doesn't turn us guys off, or at least us confident guys.  As you know I'm the greatest screw  the world has ever seen so that just represents a challenge to me.  Actually I'm sure I'm not the greatest screw ever but as with most guys I believe I am so throwing out words like that is just an invitation for us to test our elan!

Anyway, a lot of guys might get caught up in the whole "danger please" thing and throw out threatening offers like tying her up, sucking each other's blood, eating at Taco Bell after Midnight....  But I like to put my adjectives together to find meaning and here I have to say that excitement, butterflies, and a little danger to me coupled with that silly, intriguing, articulate stuff she mentioned elsewhere says "I like roller coasters and I want to be swept away in the moment."  Though much younger than me she seemed immediately a bit of an "old soul."

Here is what I offered to Ms Northern Exposure.  Looking back I'm not sure how I got on the Shakespeare kick but I think it had something to do with evoking a sense of the tragic hero pulled by force of nature.  I'm pretty sure I thought it would hit on that articulate desire and the allusions to MacBeth perhaps would hit on the excitement and danger she mentioned in her caption.  I also have to admit I was really pleased with my sense of Shakespearean humor below (hopefully you will catch it).  Then again ladies, never assume a guy is thinking much beyond what passed though his brain a few seconds ago!  :)

"Sweet and naughty; excitement with butterflies and a little danger! What an intricate and delightful paradox you spin and oh how I envision seaching for new adventures to experience together.

These thoughts transform me to a Shakespearean play where we are tragic heros thrown together by chance and lust for alluring intrigue. "Oh what a tangled web we weave..." Except here we don't have to deceive because we are just in the moment. We are who we want to be for a delicious slice of time that is in our place at our pace.

Ah ma beaute elegante, vous avez a joie de vivre. Such life must be experienced with someone who leads and follows us to greater heights!

And yes chemistry in the form of a sweet elixer we drink together on a quiet walk along the top of **** ***** overlooking the fair city below is a connection that pulls us together by gravitational force. Oh but then we must move force and away to a quiet, private place where sensuality can emerge and flow wherever the current takes us.

Yes we might make a spot but luckily we will be in a hotel room so it won't be us saying "out damn spot!"

Hey, I know that line was not as sexy but you did say write something funny! I am an ENTJ (Myers Briggs) so I have to check things off you know! But by ENTJ I mean that disliking my routine is my routine because my routine is generally looking for daring rendezvous! :)

Speaking of checks I see you've checked music. From my profile you'll see music is a big part of my life. Wine tasting is always a pleasant endevore on a quite day at a private spot along a tranquil river. I see you like a good communicator, I have a Minor in English from a reputable state University which makes me qualified unless you are one of those haughty Ivy League types (more humor)!

So there are my (almost 2,000) characters. How about a few back to me.

Oh and take a look at my pics and let me know if one looks familiar. It may be closer than you think!

Take Care and enjoy the day,


Oops, we're running a bit long today.  I think I said above this story might be a deuce!  Next week we'll meet Sweet Southern Tea, ClassySoxieLassie, and MyVALUVA (and maybe one more).  OH yeah and I have to think about our take-aways - all this Psychological adventure has to derive some meaning for antiquity after all or else it would just be something stupid I did to waste a lot of time!  That may be a whole 'nother post.

Well as I say "guys are like a box of chocolates", you never know what you are going to get until...., well, you ladies know!  :)

Hey this project has got me thinking, what next???  I think after I finish talking about all these ladies I may tackle the derivation of "the Feng Shui of Men!"


Simplicity said...

LOL Ryan you're a riot! I thought this was a great idea...and I had so much fun playing along! Sandee is indeed a lucky lady :-)

Unknown said...

Haha! I love this experiment! Can't wait to read part 2 :)

rachel-xx said...

Laughing, Ryan, a tiny part (very tiny) of me feels bad that you guys have to put so much effort into just getting laid. Most of me wishes more men put as half as much thought into their AM messages to me.

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Simplicity - Thanks, it takes a tolerant lady though to put up with me long term!

@ Olivia - That NIN video is for you babe!

@ Rachel - But you know guys are like new cars. You walk onto the lot and all of us are energetically saying pick me, pick me; I'll drive you faster and smoother than anyone else. Then you pick one of us and as soon as you drive off the lot we immediately depreciate in value by about 50%! :)

Max said...

Fun post - looking forward to hearing about the others!

Unknown said...

I thought that song might be for me ;) love it!

Sillyone said...

You would have sucked me in with either note.