Sunday, September 1, 2013

You Gotta Treat Her Like a Lady

The Ashley Madison Project Results (and reflections)
Part II (probably one more to go)
from the ever (d)evolving mind of Ryan Beaumont.....

 So some fun stuff so far but the fun is just beginning!  Today let's introduce three more ladies.  But first something to think about as we are navigating AM.  There is a certain type of lady that will actually meet a guy on AM.  And by that I'm not implying a slut (which would be a whole different conversation).  But in keeping that thought let's think about those title lyrics "treat her like a lady."  Well damn Ryan, of course you need to treat her like a lady.  But as Spinal Tap once said "there is a fine line between clever and stupid."

Wait Ryan I am completely confused now, you were talking about sluts and now your are quoting Spinal Tap?
Here is my meaning.  My "treat her like a lady" song today is not a frilly, frothy Lionel Richie "treat her like a lady," it's that hot, funky, groovy "treat her like a lady" with that FAT bass line and cool riffs by the Cornelius Brothers (see at the bottom).  You know that "treat her like a lady" type sound with the big hair, wild pimp-suits, sung by a guy who looks like Samual L. Jackson who is just slightly threatening but you just can't keep your eyes off of him because he's the coolest cat in the room!  Yeah sex with him is not going to sunshine and rainbows it's going to be a hot, sweaty mess but it's going to be something to remember.  Yeah, Samual is going to treat you like a lady just like Lionel but the ride might be a little wild and it will damn sure be CRAZA'!

So guys keep that in mind when you are writing.  That's a lady on the other end of that message (except in some cases when it's some dude trying to steal message ideas) so treat her like one but know that she still might want a little craza' in her life.  I mean, we ain't here to find a laundry foldin' partner are we?!

III.     MyVaLUVA - Ms. VaLUVA's caption is "checkin u out ;).  I felt so violated!  NOT!  I loved it, she immediately struck me as one of those forward, opinioned, disarming southern gals that I do so enjoy.  She mentioned that she wants to "flirt, luv, laugh..."  Further, she outlined that "there's something about the eye contact over a glass of wine.."  She went on to say "I'm much more interested in passion, intensity, and laughter and I bet I can make u share that sexy shy grin."

See this is where guys just don't get it.  They read that and then they click off a note like "hey you look interesting, check out my profile I'd like to get to know you better."  GONG, failure!  Ms VaLUVA has really given you an instruction manual on what to do.  Now you just have to follow the script to create the set design that drives the imagery she wants you to create.  And as I always keep in mind pretend you are Mr. Rourke and telling everyone "smiles everyone, smiles, smiles..," so keep it fun and light!  Note my allegorical referrence to the "World Most Interesting Man (below)."  You know a little self-depricating humor can be good sometimes.  Women like us to be confident but not overly cocky but they at least want to know that we know we are cocky if we are.  Also, whenever possible make that specific connection as if you guys really kind of know each other already and that discovering one another is just a matter of fate.

Hey Ms VaLUVA, Thanks for checking me out and yes I love to do a shy sexy grin for a lovely lady. I don't always do shy but when I do I like doing it for you! Just had to try for a "world most interesting man" analogy!

So I love to drive by your fair town. Yes I have been there many times. I have been able to keep my high school swimmer's body but my figure does belie my affinity for the fine fried chicken they have along with the world's cheapest gas at the ***** ***** just north of you on rt ***! Hey if you can't laugh about convenience store cuisine what can you laugh about, but I do luv it so! You said you like to laugh ya know!

So I have to give you an admission here now. I try oh so hard to be intellectual and distinguished but on a Sunday I do have a guilty pleasure and that is watching all that driving and left turning folks seem to like to do around your part of the country. And your place is the best at all that banging and bumping. Now that kind of sounds like a perfect afternoon in your lovely part of the world - a glass of wine, some ***** ***** chicken, a picnic (maybe even up to ***** Lake) and then some rubbin' and racin' (indoor style)! :)

And if you have to make me go distinguished I am always up for a journey to quaint old ***** County. Have you been to ******* Vineyard? A nice bottle of the ***** *** and a romantic frolic along the ******* River could be a lovely way to spend an afternoon on a crisp fall day. But I do have a test for you. You see you say you like witty and intelligent and I have two degrees from a disguished University in this fair state (yes the secret of Big State U is out). Does this make me distinguished though? Depending on your allegiance it could make me fascinating or churlishly uncooth. So what color do you like to match with ****** (you know ****** is the new pink they say)?  ****** or ****? Inquiring minds want to know! Have a wonderful day and take care, R      

IV.     Sweet Southern Tea - I have to admit this one is a bit jaded as Ms. Tea is a follower and I knew it and I knew she enjoys college football so I cheated and used targeted humor that I probably wouldn't have done otherwise.

But she mentioned humor and she seemed very playful in her profile so I'm not sure I wouldn't have written something pretty similar anyways.  Then again I tend to look for opportunities to use Gamecock humor!  I kind of like the South Carolina Gamecocks as they tend to be like me, brazenly hubristic in spite of being historically mediocre!  :)

OK Ms Sweet Southern Girl I just had to write. Who can resist a Carolina girl when they take a peak at your profile. You know Carolina girls, best girls in the world. Particularly the South of the Border girls - so much nicer than those Tarheel ladies.

So want some kinky talk!

So how about it baby - how about you lick my Smelly Cock!

Their QB was Brad Smelly
Oh wait, now you might be thinking I'm talking about Gamecock football. Worse yet you might be a Clemson grad? Now I'ver really messed up. Wait, you said you like humerous as well.

So why did it take so long for the Tarheels to have a football website? Because they couldn't string 3 w's together! :)

OK so hopefully you get that I'm a pretty confident guy as well. And yeah, we are here because we just want an alternative third place to escape to once and awhile to forget home and work and just be! Be with someone fascinating, scintillating, captivating, and twitterpating! Hey I just had to add a Disney line from Bambi after that nasty, smelly line above just so you know I've got the gentle, emotional angle going as well.

So hope the sunshine is doing you well in the lovely Carolina's today.

Take Care,


V.     ClassySoxieLassie - First I must send out apologies to Bret Easton Ellis for stealing his mantra in this letter.  But I do have to hand it to Soxie for evoking Flo'tastic imagery with her caption "won't save you money on your insurance."  Ms. Classy mentions "a man and woman having fun....laughing, touching, finding what they can't get at home."  Oh Classy "laughing, touching, finding..," that sounds like such a Journey song.  Let me be your Steve Perry, I look so good in sideburns, tight pants, and singing like a woman!  Classy mentions that she is demure, she says she is looking to be appreciated, and to smile.  She does mention food which is good for me since I'm such a foodie.

So what I'm thinking here is one turnkey adventure to some serious spoilage.  And by spoilage I mean spoil her not that I'm going to take her to like the dump!  No Soxie needs a getaway, you know "making love on the dunes on the cape" kind of stuff.  Then again that sounds beyond my reach so I then it hit me like a rock, a zen-like pursuit that involves our mutual loves - cuisine.  And there you go!  Adventure is so much more fun when you can do it with a compatriot.

So my Classy Lassie, some men scale Mt Everest, some men search for the perfect wave at the end of the Endless Summer (how's that for deep).

Me, I used to work at a little restaurant back in the day in college that served (almost) the most perfect Clam Chowder and I always equated fall Friday's with Clam Chowder.  My venture to self actualization charts a starboard course towards the world's best cup of Clam Chowder.

I have searched many years and through many states for the perfect bowl.  Many have come close, sadly all have failed.

And then one day I realized that the perfect bowl of Clam Chowder is as much a myth as the Endless Summer.  It simply doesn't exist.

And yet it does in the mythology of one's mind.  It exists at the end of an afternoon drive out to the Cape or dare I say a long trek up to Maine.  And it only exists nestled next to a charming demure and sassy lady who makes the journey worthwhile.  Yes the perfect bowl of Clam Chowder doesn't go anywhere in particular.  It only matters that we are going for it.

So some men scale Mt Everest, some men search for the perfect wave, some men try to lure and attract a lovely lady with some smooth line.  I draw some fung shei alligorical analogy of how the search for clam chowder leads to a mystical adventure to a far off place.

Oh well, that's how I roll!  You did say you like upbeat and humorous - be careful what you ask for!

But for real picture a "peaceful, easy, feeling" driving along route 6 out to the Cape (hey I just had to add some lyrics to our day in our alternative third place)!

Have a great day!

Take Care,


So that's 5 ladies and 5 notes.  But as I've know it's not too hard to get a response back, what get's you a face to face is what comes after.  It's those all important 2nd and 3rd AM notes that lead to e-mail addresses that lead to phone numbers that lead to a drink after work that lead to a room at the local HoJo that leads to...

Well that's enough for a holiday, let's pick this up next week for some of those all important "take aways" and maybe we'll introduce one more lady who dropped in fashionably late to the party!


Simplicity said...

Thanks for being

And glad to see some good ol' Carolina beach music on the page! See ya on Ocean Blvd.

Same sassy girl said...

Whoa... here's an abject lesson on how to make all the other men look second best! I adore how to tailor your letters to each profile, show confidence and make her laugh! What a fun experiment!