Monday, January 14, 2013

Ryan's Repeats - My Intentions...Oooh, weird....Weird Science!

I used to e-mail Riff a bit back in the day.  I really never asked him for AM advice.  What we did lament back and forth a bit on, though, was blogging comments.  He often said the posts he thought were the best sometimes got the least comments (which seemed odd to me since he usually got about 20 comments no matter what he said). But I concurred.  He also said often he would write about something and then people would take it in a completely different direction.  He said he finally gave up and just wrote and let the chips fall where they may.  I guess I should take his advice.  Unfortunately I still obsess over comments - I guess I'm a prima donna!  :)

Anyway the post below is quite probably my favorite post of all time.  I have to say I am sure I thought about this one and stressed over getting it just right more than any other.  It was the collision of two things that fascinate me - economics and women!  I did get two comments from two of my best followers Kat and Rosie.  Thanks ladies!  But I have to say apparently the world didn't get this post as well as I did or maybe they just didn't see the humor, who knows?

Back in the fall of 2011 when I was e-mailing Sandee it occurred to me that she was probably one of Riff's famed "e-mail queens (I'd have linked to his post but it is so very unfortunately gone from antiquity)."  The funny thing was is that while I am quite sure she signed onto AM with no intention of ever meeting anyone she just happened to come across a blogger who really needed something to blog about.  What happened is that I became quite enchanted by the written communication with her and though we would go through many stories and quirky turns, as time went on I became more and more emboldened to actually meet her no matter what.  But that would end up being a story for later.

Buy Low/Sell High? Screw it, I'll blog!
For some reason though all this thinking about e-mail queens got me to thinking about those college days gone by sitting in Investments II at Big State U.  I remembered doing the calculus behind charting the intersection of an individual's curvi-linear preference for risk vs return against the linear plot between the risk/return trade-off line of government treasure bonds and the stock market.  We even talked about these things called "derivatives" which sounded so perfect and interestingly beautiful as the calculus played out.

Somewhere in there I started to think about those curves and how they might be represented in the form of an e-mail queen.  Is an e-mail queen's preference curve bounded by infinity?  Who knows, but I knew the world needed an intrepid entrepreneur such as myself to seek the answer!   :)

Oh and those derivatives I used to study?  They look great on paper but in practice they are just another damn Ponzi scheme!

And nobody got my economics joke for christ sake.  Read to the end, I call the curve in my analysis the Laughter Curve!  Get it, you know like the Laffer Curve that Reagonomics was based off of?  And nobody picked up on the "ass moment" in my post either as I was using it describe the magnitude of the charge I got from looking at that woman's ass.  Get it, kind of like a "Dipole moment!?"  OK, OK - I'm a geek; I admit it!   :)

Ryan's Repeats:

from January 17th, 2012...
My Intentions...Oooh, weird....Weird Science!
Or the Science of Ashley Madison
a theoretical perspective by R. Beaumont (BS, MBA, and BMF)
...psst, that means bad mother fucker, he stole that from Cheech and Chong!

I don't speak a whole lot about my family here. Yes, I'm married and yes I've have two daughters but that is about all I've said. I am however very proud of my parents; they did as you can see raise me and I am grateful for that! They are both teachers and my father a professor and a fairly successful scientist. And so I grew up in a very logical family and am very familiar with scientific method. As you might have seen I have introduced science into my experiences from time to time.

Now I'm forgetting my point. Let me think.

Hmmm...., well anyway I'll remember it in a moment. In the meantime I'll just share this with you since I'm thinking about it.

The other day I was at the gym stretching out. I love the stretching room because there are mirrors on both sides of the room. As such I can stretch and while doing so look at the ass of the girl stretching behind me! So the other day I was stretching and watching this particularly nice ass that was in the mirror. Round, toned, and with a perfect three dimensional curvature with respect to width and depth and two perfectly round cheeks! Then I noticed I could see the reflection of myself looking at her ass and I had to hold back a giggle. God I love those rolled down waist bands; the person who thought of that deserves a Nobel Prize!

But then I noticed I could see her ass in the reflection of me looking at her ass. And then I realized that I could see myself looking at the reflection of the reflection of me looking at the reflection of her ass. This went on and on, my mind began to spin. I then contemplated what I saw. And then I realized, I was looking at an infinity of asses! Wow, science!

Yeah, now I remember what I was going to say. So in that "ass moment" that I was having I began to contemplate infinity and it's affect on life.

No silly, not like the infinity of the expanding universe or the infinity of the human creative mind or even how infinitely stupid Republicans from Texas can be. I'm talking how infinity affects a guy like me.

You know the other week I spent an entire five days talking about e-mail queens. Other friends of science, such as Riff Dog, have spent much time as well studying the e-mail queen.

But what no man has attempted is to discover is the theoretical boundary to infinity of the e-mail queen. It's really a simple exercise when you think about it. Normally after about a month of e-mailing the e-mail queen guys like me just give up. But, my young scientists, what would happen if you just kept e-mailing the e-mail queen. Would we in fact reach infinity? Or would we discover the limit of the e-mail queen or rather the point where we might actually intersect with the e-mail queen!

e-mails/day toward getting laid
For example, normally when you first encounter the e-mail queen there is the occasional e-mail and as you pick up interest the e-mails increase exponentially but will eventually tail off marginally as you realize you probably ain't getting laid. That actually represents your Positively Skewed Curvilinear Preference Function where the "y" axis represents the number of e-mails/day and the "x" axis represents time in weeks until getting laid. As time goes on you get closer and closer to getting laid but never quite reach intersection (or in this hypothesis intercourse) as your function plots to infinity.

Now this, my friends, is something worth researching!

Because my hypothesis is that certain e-mail queens do have a quantifiable limit and are not bounded by infinity. I pose that there is in fact a theoretical intercourse point for a given e-mail queen if one is patient enough or rather has a flat preference curve (or as I call it the Ryan Gullibility Curve or Laughter Curve).

Now we need only a subject to test our hypothesis that in fact as the curvilinear function tends towards infinity there is actually a point of intersection (intercourse) out there somewhere. Wow, now I'm feeling a bit like Columbus! Or perhaps more aptly Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science!

And so it was on a warm August day, when I took my first critical look at Ashley Madison in several months, that I took the first steps in a long journey of scientific discovery. And by critical look, I mean I had no sexual prospect at hand so I was looking to find someone and was going to be in "Ryan's really trying mode" which I really hadn't been in for almost a year.

Ooops, I'm getting a little long today - maybe this should be a 2 parter or more! :)



Red Shoes said...

You have some weird correlation shit going on there, Ryan...

I didn't see any mention of the use of a 'beta' for measuring the risk of the endeavor.

The risk of actually having a sexual interlude? The risk of getting caught??

As for politicians, I am thoroughly convinced that neither party has a great deal to talk about as far as bragging rights for intelligence goes... blah...

I did use to play with mathematical formulas and how they could be used to measure some kind of sexual interlude... it went something like this:

The angle of the dangle is perpendicular to the stroke of the poke when parallel to the mass of the ass.

I doubt it has any real benefit, but it is fun to throw out at parties...

Good luck in this endeavor!


rachel-xx said...

Okay, first I apoligize for being a lazy follower. I suck. A delayed New Year's resolution is that I will comment on three blogs a week. Second, I think you're on to something. And it applies to texting too. But I think there are some missing variables like level of sexual content in the messages and randomness to remain mysterious.

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Shoes - I like your theorum, can you throw some torque into it!

@ Rachel - Thanks! A little sexy always does keep us coming back. If nothing more it's just fun, right!

Ms. B said...

I loved reading this post and hope you get all the comments it deserves. The scientific madness you created about an ass or getting ass is priceless!!! Looking forward to more!! :)