Tuesday, July 15, 2014

No New Tale to Tell

Or I'm 18 47 (I Don't Know What I Want)

Or I've Wasted Time I've Wasted Breath I Think I've Thought Myself to Death

Or Who Knows, Not Me; We Never Lost Control

Or For Christ Sake Ryan Fish or Cut Bait (or poop or get off the pot)!!!

OMG I'm so mixed up I can't even decide on the title of a blog post anymore!   :)

One of the great things I've enjoyed about this blog, along with the use of XM Radio's first wave, is that I've discovered bands that I really didn't know of back in the 80's/90's when I was in college and they were popular.  Love and Rockets is one of those bands.  I knew of them but can't say I thought much of the Dark Wave band.  They formed in 1985 when two former Bauhaus band members joined with a new drummer.  What they formed was a more palatable sound to the college market than their previous Goth rock sound that many liked to exalt by wearing Bauhaus tee shirts but few listened.  Anyway, they wrote some pretty catchy tunes and I've used their lyrics before in the blog.  This song is a lot like me, talking in circles and in the end finding yourself necessarily in the same place.  As much as you want to do and say new things you often find that there is in fact "no new tale to tell."  Oh and I also like to think of myself as a delightfully eclectic mixture of brooding dark wave and hippie/trippie Jethro Tull'esque flute undertones (just like this song)!

Wow, 19 days since my last post; that's the longest I've gone in the 3.5 years I've been blogging.  I've started a few times in the last three weeks but each time I just don't seem to have anything to say.  Even in June I floated along on FFF's and repeats.  I did speak of a paradoxical family vacation at the end of May but little of my Ashley Madison Adventures or time with Sandee.  If I were to do a repeat this month I might have reminisced about some time Sandee and I spent last summer on a romantic summer's eve.  But even that doesn't seem so interesting to me just now.

Sandee and I did have a wonderful night toward the end of spring.  I again had one of those rare bachelor weekends and took advantage by taking her to that Johnny Depp movie Transcendence.  The movie kind of sucked but it was great to be with her.  On our way back we stopped by one of our favorite spots by the river.  We sipped some wine I had bought earlier in the day (Sandee's favorite flavor) and looked up at the moon as she sat on the trunk of her car and I stood in front of her with her arms draped over my shoulders.  As we kissed she pulled me into her grasp ever tighter.  It felt comfortable and right.  I realized that she was "my woman," the woman who's intimacy was of comfort to me now.  And yet now our relationship really wasn't about sex anymore.  Rather, she had become the person I desired to be with.

We still text or e-mail almost daily.  Sometimes it's just the trailer to Mockingjay that I send to her and she responds; "can't wait to see it with you."  Sometimes it's something funny I see that I just want to share with her or she with I.  I don't know if this is friends, friends with benefits, a pathway to soul-mates, or just treading water.  But that is where we are.  We seem content to savor what we can of one another, hoping for more but not necessarily expecting.

As for Shannon another round of family vacations has come and gone and no new reconnection.  Another set of instances where the girls were at camp and/or sleepovers and no taking advantage of the opportunity with intimacy.  Looking back the thought of taking advantage seems infantile given the Grand Canyon of bitterness between us that has grown over the years.  I'm ever the analyst and as such I've decided that we are victims of some warped form of Stockholm Syndrome PTSD where the fates have flung us together and we have become comrades in stress not quite sure how life will work if we leave one another; afraid the ice that has formed between us will break if we step away from one another dropping us into some black frigid unknown.  I guess the crazy thing is that in many ways we are much alike, two probable ENTJ's that can't stand inefficiency yet always strive to fix what is inefficient and are hard pressed to walk away with failure.

And yet we don't live in infinity.  What is driving Sandee these days is her daughter who is preparing to go off to college.  That mixed with her tumultuous marriage have given her the idea that perhaps she should go off to college with her daughter, looking for a job in that new town; perhaps sharing an apartment with her daughter.  In many ways the logic is good.  Her daughter is very introverted and probably needs the close support.  Sandee could make a good clean life break and start anew.  The friend in me supports and encourages her.  The man in me is scared to see her go.

Of course ever present is my constant pride in my daughters who seem to outshine their parents.  Bias though I am I see true talent in them and boundless opportunity.  I'm lucky to be their dad.  The job is great too.  There again boundless intriguing opportunity.  Dare I say I enjoy being the "flavor of the month" at work.  Yes, after all of these years working in the background it is fun to have the recognition.  To quote another song I find myself thinking "two out of three ain't bad."  Too bad the one out of three will keep you up at night yearning.  And too bad the one out of three seems so attainable on a night under the moon and next to the river with a delightfully charming, beautiful woman that seems to get me in a way few have.

I'll continue to wind things down on the blog.  I don't feel I have much to say.  But, I still hope I have a few good stories to tell in the coming months.

If nothing else I hope I still know how to drop a cliff-hanger!

Anyway as they say:

"You cannot go against nature
because when you do go against nature
it's part of nature too.

Our little lives get complicated
it's a simple thing, simple as a flower
and that's a complicated thing.

No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell
No new tale to tell."


Simplicity said...

Glad things for the most part are going well. I too feel like I have 2 out of 3 working well...it's just that one little..um major thing. Ah well..2 outta 3 ain't bad.

Nice to see you posting again. :)

Same sassy girl said...

I adore it when you get all introspective and analytical... I hate it when you talk of winding down! I hope you find new inspiration... and the key to third leg of the stool you so richly deserve!

~xo said...

oh ryan, I have to agree with Sassy. I thoroughly enjoy your introspective posts and lament when you talk about closing out this segment of your life.

May I say that this: "As we kissed she pulled me into her grasp ever tighter. It felt comfortable and right. I realized that she was "my woman," the woman who's intimacy was of comfort to me now. And yet now our relationship really wasn't about sex anymore. Rather, she had become the person I desired to be with." resonates in so many ways. The man that has been my long distance guy, my rare in real life but such a big part of my everyday life virtually is this man to me. Yes, the sex is amazing and something I crave and lust for. But it's the intimacy, freedom from judgment and just being with him, in the same time zone is what I look forward to. If even several months between said moments. Thank you for your post...