Thursday, June 28, 2012

Retro Summer - the Old Posts: Favorite Humor - Gym Class Heros

"If I was just another dusty record on the shelf
Would you blow me off and play me like everybody else?
If I asked you to scratch my back, could you manage that?
Like yea fucked up, check it Travie, I can handle that"

I know I'm detouring from my normal protocol of lyrics for a title but today, for part II of my Retro Summer/favorite old posts, the group name works best.

I am being pragmatic and calling this a tie between two posts that are very typical Ryan (at least in real life).  It shows two things:  1)  I love hanging out in the gym (hence Gym Class Heroes), 2)  I'm always getting myself in an ethical quandary by trying to balance being a guy with being polite (which often doesn't jive).  Btw, the Gym Class Heros are 'effin awesome in concert; yep, I've seen 'em.

Early on in my blog I realized I was not going to be able to screw enough women I met on Ashley Madison to keep up regular posts.   Sure, I could have been like Riff and just taken summer's off or just written once a month.  But my problem was once I started writing I really enjoyed it.  I started thinking that I might have something to say.  Now I know you are thinking this guy has got some ego!  But when I say I started thinking about having something to say I'm not talking about inspiring written words about world peace, I'm talking about putting into words the crazy shit that goes through a typical guys mind.  Really what got me thinking were some skits I had seen Chris Rock and Dave Chappell perform.  Their schtick was that women's magazines get it all wrong when they are always writing about guys.  What to buy for him, how to make him feel special.  It all sounds so complex making us seem like a truly advanced race of enlightened creatures when in fact we all just wake up in the morning scratch our ass and start thinking about sex!   Well maybe we also think about what to eat and if the Nat's are ever going to get any DAMN hitting on a consistent basis!  OK so there are a few things going on up there but nothing big or enlightened and certainly not complex.  :)

Yes that is what I was going to talk about, the non-complex, the regular Domesticated American married male just being himself.  No pretense.  And if the look became too scary so be it, the women of the bloggosphere would at least get a true tale of the tape.

Here's Travie!

Retro Summer (Favorite Humor I) - You and Me Baby Ain't Nothin' but Mammals
Originally post January 26, 2011

The gym I go to has XM Radio piped in throughout.  In the morning they play 60’s/70’s Classic Rock with a splash of 80’s for us old geezers!  In the evening it’s more contemporary for the younger clientele. I really only work out in the morning occasionally, generally when I have something going on at night.  I also really enjoy watching the back and forth evening tennis match between MSNBC and Fox on the big screens in front of the stair masters.  And there does tend to be a group of cheerleaders from the local college that work out most nights around 6 pm.  Maybe that’s actually why I like working out at night?  At any rate, the other night while working out and watching Chris Mathews (and the cheerleaders) I heard the above song from the Bloodhound Gang and had an epiphany and mentally wrote the story below – tell me what you think of the idea!

Have you heard about this new movie (Hall Pass), what a great idea!

“A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.”

That’s me on the left of course; you can probably see the resemblance to Owen Wilson J Although I think I would find it fairly easy to stay faithful to Christina Applegate!  Ashley Madison should definitely get out ahead of this and get some sponsorship here!

So I have thought of how to combine Ashley Madison and this movie.  You see, Ashley Madison has been so educational for me that I believe it could help in other areas such as my marriage.

How could a cheating website help your marriage, you must be insane!

You see sex for me and Shannon has been on the “down low” for many years.  And to be fair I am more than responsible for that.  Among other things let’s just say that for most of my life I have not exactly been an advocate for oral sex and that has been an issue in our marriage.  But then along came AM and my attitudes have mystically evolved!

First, to explain I have to digress as I often do.  My first sexual experience (freshman in college) was less than satisfying.  I went to college near to where I grew up.  One weekend my parents were out of town and I was house-sitting as good sons do!  Of course I thought it would be nice to have some friends over.  So some of my high school friends who also went to Big State U came over.  One of my female friends from high school brought some of her new friends from her dorm.  I had met one of the friends, Susan, before so we began talking.  She was an interesting person but not particularly attractive to me.  We all drank at my house for awile

Well to make a long story a bit shorter I woke up some hours later in bed at home with Susan giving me a blow job.  Now, I am the ultimate nice guy and since Susan had done this wonderful thing for me I felt obligated to go out with her for some acceptable length of time.  At the time I didn’t know the required relationship time for a blow job but we went out for a few weeks.  Anyway that first experience sort of turned me off of oral sex (both ways for many years).

Now let’s flash forward to 2010 and Ryan is seeking new female relationships through Ashley Madison.  Now one thing I have learned, though not through much practice, is that ladies like oral sex.  So as I begin to meet ladies and as I prepare for that first meeting with Alecia I resolve to be a good oral care giver!  So, being the sports nut, I break down some oral sex game film via soft core porn on Showtime (hey Howard Stern said he does the same thing on Piers Morgan the other night).  I also read Riff Dog’s blog and begin to see in my mind how to best apply this skill to a lucky lady.

Lo and behold on my first time out of the gate I strike gold and am successful, note previous blog where Alecia does orgasm when receiving oral sex from me.  And better yet, I enjoy it!

OK, so how does any of this apply to the movie I mentioned at the top of this blog entry and how it could help a lust-less marriage.  So I am envisioning a dialogue between me and Shannon and it goes like this:

ME:                         Hey Shannon, I have really been thinking and I know you like oral sex and I want to please you, so how about you let me try!

SHANNON:          No way Ryan, you know it would just be too weird now and when a guy doesn’t know what he is doing down there it just tickles and that is a BIG turn off!

ME:                         Shannon, you don’t understand – I have been practicing, and I know I can be good for you!

SHANNON:          What do you mean by practicing!  Don’t tell me you….

ME:                         No no no no, Shannon, it’s not what you think!  I mean, I know we live out in the country but I would never do that to a sheep!

SHANNON:          Oh, OK – I feel better now… sigh.

ME:                         Actually, I have joined this training program created by a website called Ashley Madison and I have graduated from the oral sex program.  See I have a certificate and a seal of approval by their top teacher – Alecia.

SHANNON:          Wow, that’s great, this could be a big turn for us!  Let’s see what you can do!  J

Now doesn’t that sound like a great service!

Retro Summer (Favorite II) - She Saw that Look in His Eyes
Originally posted March 9th, 2011

"I'm talkin' about character. I'm talkin' about - hell. Leo, I ain't embarrassed to use the word - I'm talkin' about ethics."   -   Johnny Casper from Miller's Crossing

I love Gangster movies and this is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite gangster movies.  Of course the thought of a ruthless mob boss talking about ethics is hilarious but when you think about it ethics is always relative to the situation.  To me the proper way to run illegal liquor (in the case of Miller's Crossing) is odd but to the mobsters there are rules and ethics about their work.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, today I did not intend to write an entry.  This is in fact a rare occasion where I am writing directly and off the cuff into Blogger.  But this morning Wally Cleaver on Sex and the Shitty had a wonderful and insightful entry about men and how we relate to women on a "friendly" basis.  The one quote I didn't see in his post from that same Chris Rock bit is when Chris eloquently states correctly that "men are as faithful as their options."  So true, we are just like dogs around food, as faithful as our options!

Anyway, I had read Wally's post while briefly stopping by the office.  I then went over to the gym and spent my time exercising and contemplating the wisdom of the entry and happened upon an ethical paradox.  Hence, the link with the quote above.

And before I start I would really like some female feedback after this (please)!

So here is what happened.  I like to finish a workout with a big blow-out on the rowing machine for about 10 minutes.  The rowing machine is directly behind the row of Stair Masters.  Often while rowing I have noticed that if a women is on the stair master they almost always turn around at one point to see if I'm stairing at their rear end (I'm sure this is instinct).  And of course sometimes I am :)  Today I was on the rowing machine and of course there was a woman on the Stair Master.  She is probably around 40 and fairly attractive.  I have seen her around but don't know her.  Now as much as I portray myself as a cad I am actually a fairly decent guy.  So during my workout I focused my attention on the Will & Grace episode on the TV in front of the machines (Fox was on the other TV and on ESPN they were talking about the Miami Heat's latest choke) and paid no attention to this lady's behind.  Of course inevitably I noticed her out of the corner of my eye look back.  Proudly I knew that she saw there was nothing to fear, the galant Ryan was admirably watching Will & Grace and paying no attention to her!

But then I thought, is this galant?  Is this the right thing?  Dare I say, is this the ethical choice?

This poor lady may now be wondering, is my ass not good enough for this guy?  At 40 am I over the hill, am I not to be coveted any more?

So there-in lies the ethical question of the day?  To look or not to look?  What should the aspiring gentlemen do?

Thoughts anyone?  Or as they used to say on SNL's Coffee Tawk "tawk amongst yourselves."

I'm feeling a little vaclempt :)

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