Sunday, January 1, 2012

Wake Up the Echos Cheering Her Name

Ryan's Best Bowl Game Picks and Analysis
*  Based on in-depth cheerleader analysis!

OK, it's time for the big college bowl games and so it's time for me to finally throw down the gauntlet and let you know how much I know about college football.  But first let me say the lyrics above are from the Notre Dame fight song.  I have to say I hate Notre Dame but the lyrics just seemed to fit so that is why I used them.  So let's move on.  Now all the other prognosticators are going to tell you about TD/Int ratios of the quarterback, offense and defensive stats, who has the best coaches in a BIG game atmosphere and from that they will tell you who will win.

Now I'm a stats guy and I'll listen and take all of that in.  But, I don't think anyone is interested in that here. So today I am going to unveil a new research strategy.  I am going to base today's picks on cheerleaders, dance teams, who does the best tailgate food, and other largely irrelevant and superfluous information.

Let's see how I do against the experts!  Well, I guess I did use one source that I should probably referrence:

So here we go:

The Orange Bowl:     Clemson vs. West Virginia

Ryan's Pick - Clemson 38-14

Clemson wins easy here on teeth per capita (I'll say 20-10).  That being the average number of teeth each team's fans have.  Notice that Clemson ain't exactly a dental champion either. So what's the over/under of WVU's teeth per fan (or should I say tooth per fan)?  But oh how I love those Carolina girls "Myrtle Beach days, let's have some fun in the sun...."

The Fiesta Bowl:     Oklahoma State vs. Stanford

Ryan's Pick - tie/pass:  We have a cow college vs a college known for politicians daughters.  Even if you find a hot Stanford girl, screwing them may land you in a grocery store magazine.  So unless that is cool for you I would stay clear.  Unless you are looking for Sugar Momma; the Sultan of Somewhere's daughter probably goes here.  Then again, you might be able to hook up with T. Boone Pickens' grandaughter at OSU.

But for the record I'll go Stanford 42-38

The Sugar Bowl:     Virginia Tech vs. Michigan

Ryan's Pick - Virginia Tech 31-28

This is a tough one to handicap VT is only 42% girls; Michigan is nerdy and elitist.  I have to give a slight advantage here based on a personal assessement, NOVA chicks rock and the one's from VA Beach ain't too bad either.  Hot chicks on the Michigan UP???  Not so much!

The Rose Bowl:     Oregon vs. Wisconsin

Ryan's Pick - Oregon 48-42

Oregon surprises here with some extremely hot cheerleaders.  And boy doesn't Phil Knight keep them clad in a lot of fancy Nike shit!  Wisconsin is known for cheese on the other hand and cheese and hot chicks don't always mix; in fact it's often a recipe for irritable bowel syndrome which is never sexy!  Now I would be glad to have a UCLA cheerleader and take a naked Wisconsin cheese fondue bath with her.  As for Wisconsin chicks though, just check out that movie Up in the Air - they can be some fairly angry ladies (or crazy if you have seen Bride's Maids).

And did you see those "bitchin'" unis Oregon is wearing for the Rose Bowl.  Wow, it takes some creativity to make Ducks scary!

The BCS Championship:     LSU vs. Alabama

Now before I start with my analysis let's just speak a little about the BCS.  Yes the BCS is a travesty and yes America wants to see a playoff system for Division I college football.  But let's be real honest here, with girls like they have at LSU and Alabama the system definitely got it right, baby!  OH my sweet Jesus, I've been on both campuses and unless you can squeeze in Florida State or UCLA you ain't going to surpass these schools for HOT girls!  So just shut your mouth this year; talk to me about playoffs when I'm faced with the cheerleaders from Michigan State and Duke!

Ryan's Pick - LSU 16-10

I'll take the blond w/a dash of Tabasco!
Not only does LSU excel at the tailgating food but they have the "all names team."  They have guys with names like Tyrann Mathieu (nicknamed the Honey Badger) and Ryan Clement (which doesn't sound odd until you hear that it's pronounced Kli-mont).

Additionally, Cajun ladies are just as hot, are a little on the spicy side, and most importantly put out more than those Southern Baptist Dixie Chicks from Alabama!  :)

So Geaux Les Tigres!

1 comment:

Drenchxoxo said...

TemptingSweets pointed me here and I was pleased to see some major PAC-12 love happening here. Your in-depth cheerleader analysis may just match a thorough stats analysis as well. It's too bad the BCS doesn't add some points for "bitchin" uniforms. If they did, Oregon would be hands down the National Champions. As a matter of fact, I am thinking DYNASTY!

Thanks for the laughs with this. Nicely done.