Well the Ukraine Girls Really Knock Me Out

Time for some more Beatles lyrics!  This song doesn’t seem to fit a blog about Ashley Madison? Well I’m expanding now so read on!

Interesting enough the addition of a public photo got me my first unsolicited notes.  In fact I got 2 winks within a week of putting up a public profile photo.  One of the unsolicited winks was from Astrid29 who was a pretty, single, 29 year old blonde from Charlotte, NC.  Not sure why someone from Charlotte would be writing me but maybe she travels to DC on business and was interested in taking me out some time!

So I write her back and tell her about myself.  She writes back and asks me to send her a note to oceanseternity@*****.com.  Wow, how exotic!

I ask her about 3 times if she is in DC often.  Her e-mails were always somewhat cryptic and talked of looking for the right person, that I seem very honest and caring, and that she is passionate about music.  She also sends more photos of herself – nothing pornographic, just nice pictures and she is certainly gorgeous.  And she also tells me her name is Ekaterina.

Finally, she does say that she is actually from a small town outside of St. Petersburg in Russia but now lives and works in Moscow.  Hmm.. I know AM has the “traveling man” application but that is a bit of a stretch!

Oh well, she is cute and I guess I am between AM girls right now (big assumption since I am after the first and assuming there will be a second) so I play along for awhile.

So for about a week she tells me daily about life and the dating scene in Moscow.  And she knows how to tug at the heart as one day she sends a picture of a young girl (presumably her) on the lap of a Russian soldier.  She says it’s a picture of her at age 3 with her dad and that her dad had died in Afghanistan when she was very young.

But the things you learn as a result of Ashley Madison!  Apparently there is a whole racket of women or more likely men posing as lonely Russian girls fishing for lost souls.  After, apparently falling in love with their American male suitor these ladies say they want to come to America.    Then the poor guy wires money and of course they never see the beautiful young Russian lady friend.  Of course, I being the eternal pessimist found this information on this scam long before Ekaterina fell completely in love with me so I was on guard.  I did play along for about 2 weeks.  Ekaterina said she was a court security guard/recorder and had graduated from a Russian military academy.  Apparently Russian men are jerks so she was looking to the good ole’ US for salvation because lord knows us American guys are real gems!  She eventually said she had some vacation time coming up and wanted to see me.  It was at that point I stopped writing and I never heard from her again.  Too bad, she did send me a photo of her in uniform – she looked really great in that Russian military uniform!

So, was a hot, young Russian girl really interested in me?   As Jake says in the final lines of Hemingway’s The Sun Also Rises “isn’t it pretty to think so.”  Unfortunately, it was more likely that I was corresponding with Borat J  I think I hear Keith Jackson again “rumbling,’ bumbling,’ stumbling,’ whoa Nellie!”

Oh well, summer is half over, let's move on to those other AM ladies that look so interesting!

Here is some interesting info on the Russian scam.

http://www.russian-detective.com/scams/first_things_to_know.htm

And here is Borat!  Ohh.., now that I have that in my head, I wonder what Borat would be like on AM?  Hmm….

You and Me Baby Ain’t Nothin’ but Mammals So Let’s Do Like they Do on the Discovery Channel

The gym I go to has XM Radio piped in throughout.  In the morning they play 60’s/70’s Classic Rock with a splash of 80’s for us old geezers!  In the evening it’s more contemporary for the younger clientele. I really only work out in the morning occasionally, generally when I have something going on at night.  I also really enjoy watching the back and forth evening tennis match between MSNBC and Fox on the big screens in front of the stair masters.  And there does tend to be a group of cheerleaders from the local college that work out most nights around 6 pm.  Maybe that’s actually why I like working out at night?  At any rate, the other night while working out and watching Chris Mathews (and the cheerleaders) I heard the above song from the Bloodhound Gang and had an epiphany and mentally wrote the story below – tell me what you think of the idea!

Have you heard about this new movie (Hall Pass), what a great idea!

“A married man is granted the opportunity to have an affair by his wife. Joined in the fun by his best pal, things get a little out of control when both wives start engaging in extramarital activities as well.”

   http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0480687/

That’s me on the left of course; you can probably see the resemblance to Owen Wilson J Although I think I would find it fairly easy to stay faithful to Christina Applegate!  Ashley Madison should definitely get out ahead of this and get some sponsorship here!

So I have thought of how to combine Ashley Madison and this movie.  You see, Ashley Madison has been so educational for me that I believe it could help in other areas such as my marriage.

How could a cheating website help your marriage, you must be insane!

You see sex for me and Shannon has been on the “down low” for many years.  And to be fair I am more than responsible for that.  Among other things let’s just say that for most of my life I have not exactly been an advocate for oral sex and that has been an issue in our marriage.  But then along came AM and my attitudes have mystically evolved!

First, to explain I have to digress as I often do.  My first sexual experience (freshman in college) was less than satisfying.  I went to college in the same town I grew up.  One weekend my parents were out of town and I was house-sitting as good sons do!  Of course I thought it would be nice to have some friends over.  So some of my high school friends who also went to Hometown State U came over.  One of my female friends from high school brought some of her new friends from her dorm.  I had met one of the friends, Susan, before so we began talking.  She was an interesting person but not particularly attractive to me.  We all drank at my house for awile and then went out to a bar to dance and drink more.  While dancing I noted Susan seemed to be staying close to me.  A slow song came on and we danced and she started sucking my neck.   Hmmm…

Well to make a long story a bit shorter I woke up some hours later in bed at home with Susan giving me a blow job.  Now, I am the ultimate nice guy and since Susan had done this wonderful thing for me I felt obligated to go out with her for some acceptable length of time.  At the time I didn’t know the required relationship time for a blow job but we went out for a few weeks.  Anyway that first experience sort of turned me off of oral sex (both ways for many years).

Now let’s flash forward to 2010 and Ryan is seeking new female relationships through Ashley Madison.  Now one thing I have learned, though not through much practice, is that ladies like oral sex.  So as I begin to meet ladies and as I prepare for that first meeting with Alecia I resolve to be a good oral care giver!  So, being the sports nut, I break down some oral sex game film via soft core porn on Showtime (hey Howard Stern said he does the same thing on Piers Morgan the other night).  I also read Riff Dog’s blog and begin to see in my mind how to best apply this skill to a lucky lady.

Lo and behold on my first time out of the gate I strike gold and am successful, note previous blog where Alecia does orgasm when receiving oral sex from me.  And better yet, I enjoy it!

OK, so how does any of this apply to the movie I mentioned at the top of this blog entry and how it could help a lust-less marriage.  So I am envisioning a dialogue between me and Shannon and it goes like this:

ME:                         Hey Shannon, I have really been thinking and I know you like oral sex and I want to please you, so how about you let me try!

SHANNON:          No way Ryan, you know it would just be too weird now and when a guy doesn’t know what he is doing down there it just tickles and that is a BIG turn off!

ME:                         Shannon, you don’t understand – I have been practicing, and I know I can be good for you!

SHANNON:          What do you mean by practicing!  Don’t tell me you….

ME:                         No no no no, Shannon, it’s not what you think!  I mean, I know we live out in the country but I would never do that to a sheep!

SHANNON:          Oh, OK – I feel better now… sigh.

ME:                         Actually, I have joined this training program created by a website called Ashley Madison and I have graduated from the oral sex program.  See I have a certificate and a seal of approval by their top teacher – Alecia.

SHANNON:          Wow, that’s great, this could be a big turn for us!  Let’s see what you can do!  J

Now doesn’t that sound like a great service!