Yeah You Leave Me Holding on, In Red Hill Town

Or “What’s the Takeaway”

I heard this U2 song on the way to work yesterday and it stayed with me throughout the day.  A better title from the song for today’s post would be “there’s no going back, through hands of steel…”  But that might not have been so recognizable so I’ll just go with the above.

The other week I had a meeting with several of my counterparts at work with our VP of Finance to go over budgeting and some "strategery" (just wanted to throw in a “W” word just to show how smart I amJ).  At the end as we were wrapping up the VP said to us “so what are the takeaways.”  I have heard that before but not in awhile and it got me to thinking, not just about our “strategery” session, but life in general.  Isn’t it good to go through our experiences and assess “what’s the takeaway?”  As I said earlier in the week I have an anniversary of sorts on Saturday, April 2^nd (see here if you want more info).  Yes, that is the day I heard about Ashley Madison and thus began this adventure I am now on and describing for you here.  So with that in mind perhaps it is a good time to look back and see “what are my takeaways” from this experience.  Although since I have only gotten to about last August in my blog I won’t do any spoilers today.

• After several initial failures I studied several AM consumer reports.  One guy mentioned that he had some success but one outgrowth was that he had started to work out to get himself in physical shape.  I had begun working out consistently about 4 months prior to registering with AM but this gave me a goal to work toward.  After having some success I became driven to get in even better shape.  I did a physical assessment a few weeks ago and I am in all excellent to very good categories for my age.  In fact I participated in an intramural swim meet 2 weeks ago and whipped some college age boys (and I had not swum competitively since I was in college).
• Soon after reading the blog Ashley and Me I knew I wanted to put my tale on paper so to speak.  I loved writing in college and had thoughts of being a sportswriter but didn’t.  I have loved writing this blog and have enjoyed the feedback.  In fact now I find myself wanting to go in different directions with completely different storylines.  Maybe even try my hand at a book.
• If you’ve read this blog you can see I suffer from “nice guy syndrome.”  I am glad to say that I have not forsaken being a nice guy but by having the ability to be a new person to others I have been able to be more daring without seeing the skepticism in the eyes of a familiar face.  You bring no baggage to AM and the blogosphere; you are not pre-judged based on past behavior, so you are free to re-invent yourself in the manner you wish.
• I have really enjoyed meeting and corresponding with fellow bloggers!  In fact, and this might be a bit of a spoiler, I rarely venture onto AM anymore.  Blogging is way more fun and self-actualizing for me now.  And not that this is anything crazy just realizing people are going through the same issues and feelings.  One fellow blogger and I just e-mail back and forth occasionally and talk college basketball and NASCAR (go figure)!
• Oh and I tend to be a bit tight assed and prudish.  Out here on the blogoshere I can open up.  In fact I have had a virtual potty dialogue with another blogger, that is very atypical of me (don’t worry; it’s really not gross at all – just me being an assJ).  But I’m glad to NOT be so tight assed!  France, I'm failing at my own advise here!
• Candor - the state or quality of being frank, open, and sincere in speech or expression.  Yes candor can be tough but in a world where so many tweets and blogs are so mean spirited I have found it enlightening and satisfying to hear the caring candor of several people in response to my story.  And that gives me great perspective on how I should feel, how I should look at myself, and perhaps even where my path will go from here.
• Serenity Now!  Just like George Costanza’s dad, the experiences on AM and here on the blog have given me the ability to silently say “serenity now” when things are not quite so good in other life ventures J

Oh and I almost forgot – SEX!  That’s been fairly sublime!  Thanks Alicia and other ladies in my current and future story!  Happy Ashley Madison Anniversary to ME!

Anyone else want to share some take aways or just some "strategery!"

What I'd Say

I copied and pasted these lyrics (below) into a blog entry a while back just in case I was at a loss for words one week.  I guess you could say it's an emergency spare post.  However, I'm coming toward an anniversary of sorts later this week that I will talk about later so maybe this is a good set up for that so here we go.

A few people have made comments about why I tolerate Shannon.  Of course anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows they are complicated and what makes sense for one person doesn't necessarily make sense for someone else.  I certainly won't try to make sense out of my marriage in a one page blog entry, they write whole books about that kind of stuff.

But there is a song on the Classic Country station I listen to that I believe best and most succinctly puts into perspective my feelings on the subject.  So here it is:

What I'd Say

Talking to the mirror, whispering your name
It's just like you were here, you'd think I was insane


I hold these conversations, the silence of my room
Rehearsing all the things I'd say should I run into you


"How's it going?" might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know, looks like rain today
But, God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say


There's times I've been so angry I could put my fist right through the wall
And then there times I've come so close to giving you a call


I love you and I hate you all at the same time
And then I pray you'd come back to me before I lose my mind


"Hows it going?" might be what I'd say
Well you broke my heart you know, looks like rain today
But God I've missed you since you went away
You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say

Or maybe God I've missed you since you went away

You're looking well or go to hell might be what I'd say   

I've read many other blogs and this seems to be a common theme.  Perhaps its passive aggressive behavior, perhaps its being gulable, perhaps it's not wanting to admit failure after sticking with something for so long, who knows?  Or maybe it's just settling into a familiarity with the distance and pain so much that you can simply talk about the weather with someone that makes you angrier than you ever thought possible.

I have also been thinking of that Elton John song "Love Lies Bleeding" a lot recently, maybe that will be my theme for later in the week.

Oh it doesn't seem a year ago
To this very day
You said I'm sorry honey
If I don't change the pace
I can't face another day

Thoughts anyone?