Saturday, November 15, 2014

I Met a Girl There and She Almost Knocked Me Dead

So today's lyric title comes from, of all places, the Dead Milkmen off their 1988 hit Punk Rock Girl from the album Beelzebubba; I love Redneck punk rock!  Except the Milkmen are not from the south, actually Philly.  The Dead Milkmen, with their sarcastically funny lyrics (very much on display in Punk Rock Girl and Bitchin' Camero), made punk rock in the early to mid-80's a bit more digestible to American college kids.  It always seemed like the dark, shaggy, brooding literary types were always wearing Bauhaus, the Dead Kennedy's, Husker Du, or Dead Milkmen shirts around Big State U back then.  And as I say that I bet you never guessed Ryan to be a punk rocker did you!  Well, you would be right; I was anything but.

Anyway, the other day I was enjoying a fine French dinner of escargot and I took some pics of the plate (that's "food porn" to you Instagram addicts).  I sent it to Sandee as I often do when I come across something interesting.  She shot back "ew, I don't eat snails."  Me, wanting to sound intellectual, then decided I would write back "en francaise," as you might say.  I started to type in "pourquoi...," knowing that "why" in French is pourquoi.  But I wasn't sure if that was the right way to start the phrase "why not."  So I googled "pourquoi" to get the phrase right (I'm so diligent at being witty you know).  Upon googling "pourquoi" I came across a wiki article on a "pourquoi story."

Of course now you are saying to yourself "pourquoi ne pas rester sur le sujet, Monsieur Ryan!"  Well, that is if you are French.  Otherwise you might just say "hey Ryan, is there going to be a point or some sex here, otherwise I'd like to get back to an interesting blog!"

Ryan on a typical Saturday
OK, ok; well anyway a pourquoi story is a fictional etiological tale often told in a narrative style that explains why something is the way it is.  In the American vernacular it's often a Tall Tale, something on the order of "there are so many lovely places for Sandee and Ryan to go pick apples around here 'cause Johnny Appleseed roamed these parts near about 160 years ago uh plantin' trees and chasin' Victorian MILF's...."

Now, I'm digressing again.  Well as I found out about the pourquoi story a certain event in my youth gave me an idea of how to write about the experience I will eventually get to today.

"OMG Ryan, I just wasted another two minutes and you still haven't gotten to your point!"

So back to the Dead Milkmen.  No, I was not punk rocker at Big State U; actually pretty preppie.  But I had heard their music and I knew a lot of people were going and it was not just every day that a national act came through Big State U.  So I decided to go.

And I decided to go because, as so often is the case, Ryan's curiosity get's him into predicaments!

Oh yeah, that's right; this is why I was talking about the "pourquoi story."

So Ryan goes to the Dead Milkmen show with his friends.  The band is great live, very energetic!  People start getting on stage and stage diving.  It looks fun.  Some of Ryan's friends start stage diving.  Ryan catches them along with the crowd.  At some point Ryan and his friends start noticing some cute punk rock girls near us.  We start to flirt and they seem to like us preppie guys, a bit out of sorts in the punk environment.  One of the girls stage dives.  Ryan thinks that's pretty cool in a way but perhaps a little severe.  He is attracted but perhaps a little intimidated.  Ryan's friends continue stage diving.  Ryan has not done so yet because Ryan is Mr. Control and like a cat always wants to look cool and never out of sort.  Ryan is making waves with one of the punk rock girls.  At some point it seems apparent that Ryan will have to attempt a stage dive lest he be determined to be a "pussy" by his frat friends.  Ryan gets on stage, gets his courage, and then leaps!  Ryan's long  6' length goes well past his shorter friend's grasp along the front row.  His waste lands right at Jake's shoulders.  But that's OK because his other friend Unfortunate Dave is there to support Ryan's upper body in the sake of fraternity Unity, right?!  No, unfortunate Dave, who in the interest of today's post we'll call Idiot Dave, has turned his attention to the girls.  Now Ryan is precariously balanced on Jake's shoulders for a moment and then sharply plummets to the floor finishing in a faux handstand with feet still affixed to the back of Jake's shoulders.

I finally do collapse on the floor, slowly get up, brush myself off, and prepare for the laughter of my friends at my stupid act.  Except, nobody seemed to notice.  I ask Idiot Dave, "why didn't you catch me - *sshole!"  He looks at me bereft of any knowledge of the whole incident.  Jake seemed to be oblivious to what happened around his shoulders.  The girls seemed unaffected by my plight.  I at first felt slighted that nobody took notice of my heroic act or took pity upon my fateful fall from grace.  Nobody gave care to my ailing soul.

So I slunk off to the bar and ordered another beer, got on with my night, and continued to hit on Ann.  A few weeks later I scored with her!

So the pourquoi story is "why does Ryan get into so many predicaments?"  It's because he is curious, because he doesn't mind looking like and playing the fool in the name of discovery, and that somehow in the end he always lands on his feet and feeling like he is a better man for the challenge!  :)

OK, so that is a *hit-pile of set up for a stupid Ashley Madison Adventure story but here goes.

You know I've always wondered what's up with all this BDSM stuff.  I see a lot of people talking about it and I have to say I have wondered what's the attraction.  But I've never really made any actually inquiry into the act of BDSM.  I guess I just don't come across as all BDSM to those BDSM ladies out there, kind of like being preppie at a punk rock concert.

She looked a little like this
Anyway, I still float past AM sometimes; now using my faux Ryan Beaumont profile.  Because I float past I now come up within that "online in last 7 days" search selection for AM ladies.  And so it was that I got a "present" from Mistress Estella.  Apparently Mistress Estella thought I was interesting and wanted to hear more about me.  She was looking for "a willing slave to serve her needs."  Normally, I'm only good at writing to people who I know I can be successful with but Estella looked pretty cute and I was feeling a little curious.  Although at 31, 5'2", and only 95#'s I was not exactly sure how she was going to dominate me!

I sent her a fairly quick e-mail stating that my Southern hospitable demeanor always required me to be obedient and that I worked in a service industry and was accustomed to making people happy.  I'm sure I wrote some other stuff but it was mostly boiler-plate.  I also sent her my e-mail address, jumping the gun a little from normal decorum - but we were in BDSM world so I was treading new waters.

The next day I got a rather terse response along with some nice pics (exactly like the one to the left).  Although as nice as her ass looked, it appeared to be about 95# in and of itself so I was already doubting her profile.  Anyway, Mistress Estella wrote:

Hello slave ...
  I am so glad to hear from you.i am Single Mistress looking for a serious slave for both longtime relation and online training..i have been a Mistress for more than 12 years now..i am an active member of a group of dominant women in the city and wider environment.. I will not accept anything less than your absolute submission and trust, which I takes quite seriously. I cannot wait to take total control of your life and use in abuse you in all ways. I will train and take you to be the perfect sissy slut slave for me.Henceforth if you choose to serve me, You have to answer the question below..
1)Where are you from ??
2)How old are you??
3)How did discover this side of you?
4)Do you live alone?
5)What do you do for a living?
6)Where do you live currently?
7)What's your name??
8)Do you live in a rented or owned home?
9)Do you have any disability ??(not a problem though)
10)How long have you been into this lifestyle?
11)How long have you been on the site and how many Mistresses have you
exchange emails with?
12)Have you served any Mistress?
13)What are your subject of limit??
14)What are some of things you like to do to relax in terms of hobbies, sports, music, etc?

I need your reply to all my questions as soon as Possible..and also attached some pictures of yourself with the email..i am the mistress you have been waiting to admired, to serve and surrender too.Dont keep me waiting.

Now one thing you have to remember about Ryan is that, as his third grade teacher once said, he is a "little diablo."  When I see such serious thought put into something that should be fun, the sarcastic side of me just jumps out.  I gleefully sent back the following responses, curious as to what the reply would be.

Hello Linda, so good to hear from you!  Thanks for the pics you are certainly a lovely lady.  Where is the outdoor picture from, almost looks like San Fran.

So some answers for you yes but first it doesn't appear you've looked at my profile on Ash Mad, you know you can see who's taken a peak these days.  Perhaps you would have picked up on some things about me.  Obviously I peaked at you and you sent me the virtual gift but I'd love to hear your thoughts on what I've written.

OK, enough of that here goes:
1)Where are you from ??  I'm from right here where I'm sitting of course.  Well that's a lie, I'm at work but I'm from about 10 miles away.  Well even that's not quite correct.  I was born in the Deep South so I have a bit of an accent and a deep sense of honor and how to be polite and most importantly how to treat a lady.  Other than that my current location is as you are the NOVA area.
2)How old are you??  I have not fibbed too much on my AM profile.  My disconnects there are more due to plausible deniability.  I am in fact 4*.
3)How did discover this side of you?  In my opinion discover shouldn't live in the past tense.  I prefer to think I am discovering, and perhaps we will discover each other!
4)Do you live alone? No
5)What do you do for a living?  Work mostly!  I am in, let's say, the hospitality business and work  as, in, and around ****** *********.  Often I'm found doing that which others don't wish to do and for that they are usually rather appreciative. 
6)Where do you live currently?  I guess I answered that above didn't I.  I live in the Greater DC area, not too far from where you list your profile.  I believe we would come up in a 50 mile radius of one another in an AM search.
7)What's your name?? Ryan Beaumont is who I go by out here in the social ether world.  I've wanted for some time to meet someone as Ryan rather than who I am in real life.
8)Do you live in a rented or owned home?  OMG, am I doing a re-fi here???  :)  I own about 25% of my house, a company called Quicken claims they have the deed to the other 75%.  But in just 18 years it's all mine!
9)Do you have any disability ??(not a problem though)  NO, and I have a solid BMI of 22, so I'm quite well fit.
10)How long have you been into this lifestyle?  Um..., never and yet perhaps always but as I've explored AM and Blogging I've come to consider many new things in life.
11)How long have you been on the site and how many Mistresses have youexchange emails with?  I've been on AM for about 4 years and met five ladies.
12)Have you served any Mistress?  I've served many mistresses in many capacities, service is a relative term.  Sometimes service is a chore, sometimes it's a joy.  I prefer to think of this as exploration.
13)What are your subject of limit??  I'm not a fan of broken bones and I like to keep things within the boundaries of minor wounds at worst!  But I do like to please.  Most people would say my limits are pinning me down to specifics, I tend to be open minded and march to the beat of a different drummer.
14)What are some of things you like to do to relax in terms of hobbies, sports, music, etc?  Kayaking, swimming, running, working out, college sports, blogging, reading, and chasing Mistresses!  :)

I'll tell you Linda, I'm an out of the box choice if you are interested and maybe we'll just chat.  Take a read of my blog and let me know your thoughts.

The one thing that bothered me though was that she had yet to view my profile on AM.  Or at least when I logged on and clicked "who's viewed me," she did not turn up.  I assumed this was all hocus pocus but I was having fun playing, not realizing I was probably in one of those "pourquoi stories" I was talking about above.  But for the moment it was fun thinking that I might find may way into some sexy BDSM thing and maybe turn Mrs Dom into a sub; that would be a real turn on pour moi!

Anyway, Estella replied the next day.  Oh the for real pictures of Ryan I did send her were with sunglasses though, I'm not that stupid.  My ego demands I say that to verify the fact that her response was to the real me!  I know, I've got a big head!  :)

Hello slave ..i am satisfy with your reply and your pictures...if you serious in serving me you must follow the following....

Rules and guidelines to be totally committed and loyal to me.

 Rules you must follow.
1. You must ALWAYS address me as Mistress.
2. You must ALWAYS be honest with me.
3. You must NEVER doubt or argue with my decisions.
4. You must NEVER do anything without permission.
5. You must STOP your search for any other Mistresses.

If you are ready to follow the rules..Then i will enjoy being your guide, mentor and teacher on your journey of life.. However you would
be punished when it is needed.Reply and let me know if you are ready to follow the rules..

This was getting fun, although she could afford to have some grammer lessons.  I wonder how much punishment she would dispense if I questioned her writing skills.  Anyway, I replied thusly:

OH My Mistress,

See I'm already doing point #1!

Yes, I'll mostly be honest with you, probably always.  It's just that it's hard to pin me down to anything, I'm kind of like a politician in many ways.

Permission?  I don't know, perhaps.  Sometimes I'm not so good with following directions.  Perhaps it's that march to the beat of a different drummer in me.  My third grade teacher called me her little diablo because I have a tendency to be a little bit of a rascal.  What are you going to do to me if I misbehave a little bit?  Guys do tend to misbehave you know, it's kind of in our DNA I think!

I'll love to hear those rules now.  But do remember as one fine mistress once said "if you follow all the rules, you'll miss out on all the fun!"  Can you deal with a little misbehavior?  :)

Anyway, kind of thinking of that one picture of you working at your desk.  I see some hand cream to your side.  Perhaps I could pull that skirt down and rub some of that along your inner thigh and see where that leads.

Take care and have a wonderful evening my mistress,


Hey, I was proud of myself; notice the little bit of kink I threw in?  I was having fun, hoping to find out how she was going to punish sush a wascally wabbit such as myself!  But she still hadn't checked out my AM profile, curious.

The next day Estella wrote back.  Btw, with all this terse slave talk, in spite of her cute pics, I was hearing her (or him for all I knew) as Harvey Fierstein (with that gravely voice).  IDK, I'm silly that way.

Hello slave,
 I am happy to see you are ready to comply to my way and rules and regulations. i can see you are ready to serve and obey me without questioning my order.The only thing you have to do is you must obey me and follow my lead, the moment I sense disrespect or disobedience from you,that's the end.I want you to keep this in your mind, we will keep the relationship strictly professional from the beginning but as time goes on , you will know how much of a caring and loving mistress i can be.but first it's mandatory for you to pay a standard Training Consultancy Fee (TCF) of $200,the purpose of this is to be able to establish a working understandable relationship aside from the professional nature of the lifestyle,with the fee I will be able to draft out the Mistress/Slave agreement,the right tools to be able to
meet your fetishes requirement and make the necessary plans in collaring you,let me know when you are willing and ready to go forward with it and after that we will agree on when it will be convenient to begin meeting and a suitable venue most preferable a public place or straight at my dungeon.
The tools and toys I will buy will be the finest quality: handcrafted, and sturdy. They include cuffs, gags, blindfolds, hoods, straight jackets, binders, suspension harnesses, inflatables, body-bags, ball stretchers, clamps, electro-devices, whips, paddles, straps, canes, quirts, and much more.My bondage furniture is custom designed to my specifications. Functional and aesthetic, they are heavy duty, inescapable and versatile. They must be seen and experienced to be properly appreciated.
I am continually upgrading and adding to my collection,that is why it is required you pay the fee so that I can plan very well for your training sessions and I will know the tools I will have to get.Let me know if you are ready for this slave.

Ah, well there you go.  She brought in the almighty $!  Does it always have to come to that?

Well I wrote back:

Dang Mistress Linda,

You had me at hello!  But ball stretchers?  Don't you think you should check mine out first?!  I may not need any stretching, I'm pretty buff as I am.

Hey your AM profile listed you as 95 pounds, you must really be ripped.  Is you body fat % about -2%.  How do you keep your slaves in line with such a small frame, are you a black belt?

Let's keep talking though, you do realize you are communicating with a famed international blogging man of mystery, right!?  :)

Take care and stay out of the cold?  Are you conducting any special experiments tomorrow night!

Abatingly Yours,


Unfortunately I believe I had annoyed Mistress Estella enough at that point.  I did not hear from her again.

But I did learn that if a 95# female Dom sends you a gift on AM, curiosity may not kill you but it will cost you $200 to get your balls stretched or a good spanking!

I guess I've not quite figured out what all the domination and submission stuff is all about.  I get it, it's about trust and giving yourself over to someone.  But couldn't we all just trust one another while we screw and politely say how nice we all look and feel and achieve the same end?  I don't know call me old school.

But see, I always learn and I always find a way to land on my feet!  :)

"Oh well, we'll travel round the world just you and me punk rock girl!"


Same sassy girl said...

My goodness, Ryan! You are so brave! Adventuring into new scenes, conversing with interesting women.. sad it was a scam! We could all do to learn more about others and ourselves!

Simplicity said...

Lol. I'm betting the stage dive was the scarier aspect of this post. I cant help but wonder if Unfortunate aka Idiot Dave knows a friend of mine.
Except wait "grammer lessons". For shame Big State U!!!

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Simplicity - Great catch there on my poor grammarfication! I love a lady that calls me out and puts me in my place! :)