A Message to You (Ryan)

"Stop your messing around
Better think of your future
Time you straighten right out
Creating problems in town"

In my new streamlined format I'll probably just be doing one post a month on my current affairs (double meaning here).  So here it is.

I think our last Sandee post took us just past the New Year.  So I guess I should fill you in on what I've been doing over the winter and spring.  Of course around here winter could be two weeks ago and spring could have been back in February.  But that is a question about global warming and other nonsense so let's just keep it simple.  What have I been up to recently.

Ryan's brand of profane reflection!

That last Sandee post was kind of reflective almost.  If you read it you might think I sat around and contemplated deep feelings and was getting in touch with emotions.  Maybe I was reflecting on how I fit into this universe and what was the meaning of life.  Sometimes I do stuff like that but then invariably Talledega Nights comes on and I grab a beer and some BBQ chips and come back to Ryan-reality!

So here was the deal.  Shannon didn't want a divorce but damn sure wasn't going to do anything to make our marriage better.  I had to decide if I was going to make one final effort or just give up.  Give up sounded cheaper and easier than another $350 spa certificate and $80 bottle of North Coast Pinot that surely would work no better than the last trip to Nemocolin or Boca Raton worked.

Sandee was in a miserable marriage and needed to escape.  We continued to have a great time together whenever we could.  But the clock was ticking.  I couldn't expect for her to stick around indefinitely.  If she could get a job back home near her folks and escape her jerk of a husband I'd be the first to tell her go; I cared for her that much.  Then again, if I cared for her wouldn't I divorce my wife.  But then again part of what made Sandee attracted to me is that I did care and what kind of person would I be if I made my kids deal with a divorce?  If I was that uncaring how could I care about Sandee and she for me.

I lost my train of thought.  Bottom line I really didn't know what the *uck to do.  Hey this is a blog, you ain't my boss so I can admit stupidity here.

So in this position what would you do, what would any sane middle aged man do?

That's right, you'd log onto Ashley Madison again.  You know the blog is getting kind of boring don't I owe it to the world to go out and find some new material?

That's right, I do!  I do owe it to my dear readers to log on.  And you know it never hurts to keep up your skills.  I could just write to a few ladies, no commitment, and just keep my fingers in shape so to speak just in case I really do want to seek a new lady.

And so on a cold night when I was working late in February I logged onto AM and found an old friend of sorts.  Really not an old friend just a very interesting lady I wrote to the last time I faced a moral dilemma and ran to AM in response.

Her caption read "Just looking for Rhett Butler."  That was pretty much all I needed, I got that in SPADES!  I wrote about 1,500 characters of my best stuff.

As before she wrote back - "you are hilarious."

Over the next few days I sent several messages to her with all my best stuff.  We had a big snow storm and I had ample opportunity to ask her if she was OK (seeming caring) and yet funny and cool asking stuff like "are you taking advantage of all these flakes to get in some good skiing" or "any good snowball fights down there?"  I was generally getting messages back (encouraging) but always cryptic "darlin' we got 17 inches down here, no lights for three days," was one reply.

That "darlin'" thing really got to me.  A gorgeous blond with rapier wit and intelligence and she is prone to saying "darlin'."  I was smitten, you know I have a weakness for sassy Southern Belles!  Quick message to ladies out there who go through hoops to make men interested, often it just takes something easy like saying "darlin'" to us!  :)

At some point you might have asked about my title today, "A Message to You.." It sounds so severe.  What message should Ryan be getting.  Well in the height of desperation guys will do the strangest things.  As one who blogs about AM you might think me immune to such poor etiquette on the site.  But faced with a women who seemed to be what one might call "the Holy Grail" of ladies on AM even the great Ryan was prone to doing something stupid.

So here is what I did.



I don't think Sun Tzu had a quote for this?

We had talked about our familiarity with the general area where she lives.  Remember she was a little outside my normal range, about a 1.5 hours south.  I remembered going to a restaurant near to where she lived that had been voted as the "Best Bathroom in the South" by Southern Living Magazine.  I kid you not they had the cover framed right there in the "throne room" as you might say!  This was a pretty well known restaurant and has that great and quaint Southern grace about it.  I thought mentioning the restaurant along with it's well earned prize would be the perfect balance of style, class, and humor (as she did seem to enjoy humor).  But then hubris got the best of me.  I wanted to roll the dice, up the ante.  You see I'm a pretty good looking guy and of course I am a fantastic writer (you know) but this lady (according to her pics) was really at a different level I have to admit.   Knowing she was a nurse I assumed (maybe wrongfully) that she would be prone to seeking a doctor with a Jag with looks like Dr. McDreamy.  I needed some separation, something that screamed "this was the guy to be with, Mr. Excitement!"

So I thought, what do I have that really makes me stand out?  Of course these are the times that rational thoughts melt away and gravity pulls the cognitive process down to organs south of the brain.  It's when a guy starts thinking with that famous organ about half way from his brain to the floor that problems arise.

In that moment of cognitive penile rationalization I realized, "I've got it," I'm a world renowned blogger!  :)

And so toward the end of my message I did roll those dice and said.  Oh btw I do write a blog of some note http://regularguygonebad.blogspot.com/.  Check it out some time, I'd love to here some of your impressions of this silly little site.

The next day I see a message in my mischief e-mail box "Message from VaNurse4U."  I was excited, I logged on to Ashley Madison only to find out the "note" was a notification that my "Private Access" had been revoked.  Darn, what a tease but lesson learned, the blogging tactic doesn't work so well.  Well, let's be real; it don't work when you write a lame blog about Ashley Madison Adventures!  :)

Well no damage really done there.  An opportunity that was probably never really there lost.  I hid my AM profile and logged off.

But lo and behold out of nowhere (well not really nowhere just Plenty of Fish) came a familiar message from another long lost friend.

You see amid that desperation I not only logged onto AM, I logged onto that other site POF.  Actually I did a few more notes on POF because, you know, you can do that for free and I am always a fan of free.

So practically a hour after getting my notice on AM from VaNurse4U, a message from Gr8Lady4U came into my mischief e-mail box as well (via POF).  At first I didn't think too much on it.  The ladies on POF tend to be a little more forward, it is not unusual for me to get a wink or even a quick message.  Most of the time the message is from "MotorCycleGranny4U" so I don't get too excited.

But immediately I remembered her.

Hey there surprised to still see you here.  Have you not met anyone.  I still think about getting over to ********, would still love a tour if you are still in the tour guide business.

Hope you are doing well, M

It was Mrs. Decorator from my old e-mail queen days.  I think I also referred to her as "Sandra-lite."

I wrote back and included an article that I had recently read that I thought she would enjoy.

By the end of the day I got back:

"you do remember me, thanks!  It's good to hear from you.... Cheers"




You gotta listen to the song below - what a great cautionary tale for AM!  :)

"Stop your messing around

Better think of your future

Time you straighten right out

Creating problems in town"

"(Ryan) a message to you....."

Try to Remember the Kind of September

Buddy, ain't that the truth!

Just so you know I'm a very cerebral person.  I think a lot.  The difference between me and say Einstein is not how much we think it's more about what we think about.  He thought about stuff like time and space and the universe.  Me, I'm the kind of guy that wonders why people all line up at one end of the buffet even though they could go straight to the salad bar and avoid the lines.  I had a roommate in college that thought like me.  We used to talk about a lot of weighty topics.  I remember he once said he was allergic to mint and we had a whole discussion one night about if one could in fact be allergic to mint.  I held that you couldn't because mint was a flavor and thus contained no matter with which to be allergic too.  He countered with "so you're saying mint flavoring is anti-matter?"  He said that mint did have a leaf so it did have matter.  I think he won because oils really can cause allergic reactions (e.g. nutes).  We also used to talk about other things like our desire to be "bubble guys" at sporting events.  You know the guys that used to hold up that satellite disc that uploaded the camera feed.  I know shallow, but that is the stupid stuff I used to think about in college and sometimes still do.  In many cases I'm still that cerebral person on issues of no consequence!  :)

Along those lines I never quite understood that song above (Try to Remember).  To me September never really seemed very mellow at all.  It meant that I was back to school and things in fact seemed really hectic.  I never looked forward to September at all, it certainly was not mellow.  Through my career Septembers have remained very hectic, it just tends to be a very busy time at work.

Over the past 20 or so years, much as I did growing up, I always looked forward to the holidays and to May and then into summer.  I also always dreaded the gloom and doom of January.  It was back to school or back to work and those long winter months seemed an eternity to the longed for relaxation and relative easy of May and June.

But over the past five years I have kind of evolved and changed my tune.  September is still hectic but the excitement of fall and back to school is invigorating after the long summer months.  Summer can be inconsistent and off-schedule.  By the time September gets here I tend to be glad it's on it's way.  The holidays are still great.  Seeing the joy of children is always exciting.  But for an adult, the inconsistency can be exhausting in it's own way.  In fact the dread of Winter is now something I look forward too.  January and February tend to be months when we do NOTHING.  And I like it.  No camps, no performances, no vacations, no big events at work just the same old, same old which can be very relaxing.  At least until I get bored and start looking forward to Spring and the excitement of those end of year activities and the joy of planning for Spring Break and summer vacations.

I guess what I'm getting at is that as I get older I've evolved and I enjoy the pace of the entire year.  I tend to want to savor everything and enjoy each moment as if I were sampling a fine Merlot.

Is it really 3 months to thong season?

Yeah, that is what I want to talk about today the evolutionary process.  That's a weighty topic I can really sink my teeth into in my own way.  Another thing we used to talk about back in college is how all the hot girls disappeared over the winter.  In early September and late April the bikinis came out as the girls layed out in from of ****** ******* Hall at Big State U.  But in January and February it was as if they disappeared.  Big State U was a frozen wasteland; a veritable Land North of the Wall with nothing to look at but fellow male Night's Watchmen.  Depressing.

But as with my evolution in finding satisfaction with all seasons of the year so society evolves.  And so my evolutionary hypothesis is that the female species is advancing faster than their male counterpart.  How do I come to this conclusion you ask.  By natural selection of course.  Females are evolving and us poor guys are just getting left in the dust.

My evolutionary evidence and I guess you could say "tribute" of the day is to Yoga pants.  People like Einstein might celebrate the Theory of Relativity. I celebrate the invention of Yoga pants and the evolutionary tract that yoga pants have created for womankind.  For with Yoga pants those "Hotties" no longer have to hibernate over the winter.  Now they can flash those nice round ass cheeks in public 12 months a year in warmth and comfort.  This is truly an evolutionary step forward.  I know this because there is even a website for Women in Yoga Pants.

Guys?  We just look even more fat in that gigantic North Face jacket. The stocking cap doesn't hide the fact that you are bald.  That Ravens hoodie you are wearing just makes you look like a big black tent with a stupid bird emblem on the side.  Let's face it unless you are still able to keep up that ex-swimmer figure or you're one of those Metro-sexual European dudes, no matter what you do you are still a middle aged guy with no style.

But if you are a lady just slip on a sleek black pair of yoga pants and Badonga-donk!  Yep, we're looking at ya'!  Yes those yoga pants are oh so good at keeping things curving just right; framing those cheeks perfectly.  Who'd of thought that the next great invention would be a way for a woman to just roll out of bed, tie her hair up in a scrunchie, pull on some pants, and then turn heads like Beyonce!  Nobody is going to call the cops on you for public indecency and yet in them we can tell just what it's going to look like when we are in front of the mirror (us behind you).  And that is a beautiful mental image.  And yes, stay with the scrunchie, it's hot knowing just what you are going to look like tomorrow morning when I wake up next to you!  Because you know that evolutionary thing means don't make it too complicated for us to figure it out (we're only about 2 genomes away from Neanderthals you know).

OMG, and you have to check out this article.  Apparently you don't have to bend over and prove your yoga pants are too sheer at Luluemon boutique in NYC!  But if you are with me you are still welcome too!

So ladies, congratulations (as if you didn't know it already) you win the evolution game.  I quit, I need to get back to my twinkie and NASCAR!  :)