Juliet When We Made Love You Used to Cry

You know when you mess around on AM and worse yet you start to blog about it you can get a little jaded about love and relationships.  But I am the eternal optimist.  In my life I have seen that while humans have a limitless ability to do mean and stupid things, they also can do the most amazing things that just send your heart aflutter!

Wait Ryan the first paragraph gave me no sense that you were:  1 - going to talk about sex (which of course you rarely do) or Ashley Madison, 2 - food (which as you may know the biggest food holiday is in two days), or 3 - sports.  If you are not going to talk about that stuff then what else are you even remotely qualified to talk about (as if you were even qualified to talk about the listed points either)!  Surely you are not going to talk about lovey dovey feeling stuff.  What in the world would you know about that for Christ sake!

OK, you're right, I'm going to talk about sports! 

I love this time of year, perhaps even more than bowl games.  This is the time of year for those epoch state rivalry games.  I like them even better than bowl games because at bowl games everybody is happy to be there and even if your team loses hopefully you had the chance to get drunk and laid in New Orleans or Miami or well Shreveport for that matter (who cares you got drunk and laid)!  However, in contrast those end of the year rivalry games offer joy, hate, glory, triumph, and perhaps even redemption all wrapped up into one.  When redemption and glory are on the line, well, you know a game means something.  For example Big State U plays our big state rival this week.  Even though our rival truly sucks I still will watch and hopefully enjoy BSU doling out another generous helping of butt kickage because BSU's rival is such a bunch of snotty pricks.  For me and Big State U fans the game offers an annual dose of pleasure at seeing the bad guys suffer.  However, on the slim chance Big State looses our pretentious snotty rivals will gain a good dose of redemption though they have suffered through a miserable year.  Wouldn't life be great if you could always have a chance at redemption at the end and right all the wrong that had gone on over the past year.

But as I have learned over the year's growing up in the South one state rivalry trumps them all.  This one state lives and breaths football as much as any other but no state has had two teams as competitive over the years as the state of Alabama.  Between the two schools they have won the past four National Championships.  And for that reason the annual Iron Bowl between Auburn and Alabama is the measuring stick for all hate filled state rivalries.  Heck, an Alabama fan actually tried to poison the historic trees on the campus of Auburn University a few years ago.  Now that ain't tree huggin', that's pure old fashioned home cooked hate!

And it is that game that is the background of a true LOVE STORY.

Wait?  Hold on a second!  What happened to the sports?  Psyche, I am talking about lovey dovey stuff - I just sucked you in on the sports!  :)

See this year's Auburn-Alabama game offers the ultimate Romeo and Juliet.  Yet the fact that this love has lasted is even more uplifting than that ancient Shakespearean tail.

You see Katherine Webb, that viral star beauty who conquered Sports Illustrated, reality TV diving competitions and gave Brent Musburger a woody on national TV is in fact an Auburn graduate and her boyfriend is the QB at Alabama.

Now I suppose it's not so unusual to date a guy from a rival school and her boyfriend A.J. McCarron is (I guess) a cute guy to be sure and likely to be the recipient of an NFL contract next spring.  But let me tell you something, that's a Tom Brady body above there buddy!  And A.J. ain't Tom Brady yet.

Ms. Webb could have had about any guy she wanted over the past year.  And by that I mean guys of the Tom Brady/Brad Pitt caliber.

You see Juliet was a sweet girl and her love of Romeo was timeless.  But let's face it Romeo was the fer shizzel in Verona and his family was loaded.  Juliet didn't have the option of hooking up with an NBA star or signing onto a movie deal with some glitzy director/producer.

Which gets me back to the fact that I find it mildly sweet, in even my jaded heart full of spiders, that Ms. Webb still adores her 'bama QB.  In spite of all she could have she stays true to her college beau.  I nearly shed a tear when I read this article about her fears at attending this year's Iron Bowl.

OMG, that hot and willing to forgo the attentions of the rich and famous and willing to face down her Capulet family from Auburn and maintain her star-cross love affair with her Crimson Tided Romeo Montague from U of Alabama.  I am truly touched.

It's times like this that I realize us idiot guys really don't deserve the love of a good women, but thank God we get it sometimes!

Now let's away yonder past Tuscaloosa's McFarland Blvd to Dreamland BBQ or to Toomer's Corner and hug it out!  And for the love of God decide what to call yourselves Crimson Tide, Tigers, Elephants, Eagles you know this split personality thing is never good for any relationship!

That being said based on my deep analytical game analysis, the Tide has too many cool names on their roster including Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Vinnie Sunseri, and Deion Belue to lose.  But that 10.5 point spread is a bit high.  The Tigers beat Johnny Football in College Station and the Tide struggled with that high powered A&M offense.  My tip - Alabama wins but bet the Tigers to beat that spread.


The Montagues:

 

 

The Capulets:



Too Much Time on My Hands

So this event happened to me about two months ago but as I think about the oncoming "Black Friday" shop-o-gasm next week I pause to speak a little about places no man should go no matter how adventurous.  You see I consider myself well traveled visiting New York, Chicago, Atlanta, San Francisco, LA, even out of the way places such as Opelika, Alabama and Olatha, Kansas.  As with many professional men I have a certain air of confidence that I control my destiny and whichever environment I traverse.

However, as I recently found out one should think about their adventures before they undertake them well considering their preparedness as well as the necessity of said adventure.  One never wants to charge up the Himalayas without a good coat or travel down the Amazon without bug spray.

And so it was one Thursday afternoon as my car was in the shop that I found myself in a foreign land.  A land so bleak and yet simultaneously so dense it dwarfed the vastness of the Mojave Desert and the blinding infinity of wildness of the Rainforest.

What horrific land is this that I describe?  It is in fact a foreign land that no professional male should ever see or seek.  It was in fact the mall at 2 pm on a rainy Thursday.  For as I found that bleak day a suburban mall is no place for professional man.  In fact my very presence disturbed that delicate balance of the eco-system.  Of course I roamed the isles of the JC Penny's in total innocence simply seeking a pair of sports briefs for the gym.  But I may as well have been a ferocious Lion stalking through the Savannah as females craned their necks in shock to get a glimpse of this rare creature as if they were Meerkats trying to figure out why a strange beast had invaded their manor and should they be leery!

The funny thing is that I was as scared as the inhabitants of this place.  I thought to myself, men's apparel is to the right but what if I take a wrong turn at cosmetics and and get caught in women's lingerie?  Will they think I am just some dirty old man out for a cheap whack-off on his coffee break?  Oh my?

Fortunately Madison, a brave and confident young 20-something female associate, eagerly encountered me; obviously perceiving my weakened state.  She offered "can I help you find something sir (with a cute smile)?"

OMG, I think..., those tits are so young and perky I can see them now bouncing up and down upon my face as she maneuvers over me.  Yes this is surely a lead into a proposition.  However, my reply is a mild "where is your sportswear."  She smiles and says "let me show you."

Ah see, what is actually lovely about being a male in a store is that the hunter becomes the hunted and cute young females know a professional man is an easy target for an up-sale!

A few minutes later I return to the counter patiently waiting behind some old guy who has not grasped the concept of on-line checking and has actually driven to the JC Penny's to pay for his JC Penny's card in person with one of those old school paper checks.  I could have walked a few feet to Grandma (in her retirement job) who was only folding shirts at the cash register counter.  But no, I wanted another one of those 20-something smiles from my friendly female tour guide.  Just before my turn in line I see a tie just in the style I've been looking for, I grab it; it's needed and who want to just walk up to the register with two packs of undergarments.  Ms. 20-something sales associates smiles and says "I love this tie, it's going to look great on you; you know we have a sale.... buy 2 get the 3 one free."  Like a zombie I immediately go to the counter tie rack and pick out two more as if she had suggested I go to the back for a blow job.  See this is why female salewomen love men!  I even hold one tie up to see if she approves, and she coos with approval - sale closed.  She rings me up and I throw in 3 impulse purchase Godiva chocolate bars for good measure.  She laughs and says, "hungry are you?"  I let slip and say they are for my daughters.  She replies "awwwww, that's sweet."  Probably not the best line for a blow job but the look in her eye was enough for me to think I could have scored if I wanted to or were 20 years younger.  Anyway, necessary purchases made and ego stroked so all things considered a successful trip.

I then decide to take a scary adventure to the mall food court.  Along the way I see all forms of Geriatric walking gangs, goth slackers, and super stroller-buddy mommies (some I think pre-ordained to be future AM customers).  All things you don't realize exist when you work for a living.  But wait (head twists quickly) behold in yonder window draped in silky pink stringy thingys.....

I need a thong for my AM girl; bra for the wife!

Somewhere along the path I walk past the ultimate male danger zone that is Victoria's Secret.  This of course is a false Heaven.  The place looks so inviting, the exact place where a man would wish to be but what key doth unlock this Heaven.  Can a man simply go inside and peruse the scantily clad models pictured on the wall and imagine the thong up the crack of that manikin is affixed to the beautiful round ass of that hot sales-girl behind the counter?  I bet not.  What story will yield validity to a Victoria's Secret expedition?  Panties for my daughter? SPOOKY!!!  Bra for my mother?  CREEPY!!!  Teddy for my wife?  BONG! That ain't going to get you into Chelsie's (the hot sales girl with the beautiful round ass) "Juicy" thong!  No this is a paradox; a black hole of temptation where paradise is never quite found!  Best move on and turn away from the false light.

Now ladies this is not an article of misogyny.  Yes there were men present, several.  Some were even in their 20's but they were of a different species of male.

Let's take a look at some of these Suburban Mall male specimen:

*  Fleece-wrapped Septuagenarian Slow Walker - This might be Ryan in 40 years (not).  This male shuffles along slowly behind  his female mate thinking about his next opportunity to pee and what's for dinner (and maybe the weather).  He is dressed in blue slip on velour looking shoes, relaxed fit sweat pants, and either a flannel shirt or pull over sweater that says "PaPaw," "Dollywood," or "Gatlinburg, TN."

*  Pale Skinned Ringed Goth Slacker - This person, when not in his room at mom's house playing War Craft or Grand Theft Auto, is lurking around the Game Spot looking for new versions of War Craft and Grand Theft Auto.  They only have a limited connection to reality as most of their time is spent running from the Po Po in Los Santos (their alternate real world).  They have pale skin and wooly hair or is that just the stocking cap that has been worn so long it has molded to their brain.  They tend to wear black and maintain an intricate heavy industrial chaining mechanism between their belt buckle and pocket.  If they have any equity it would be in Doc Martin's stock or simply the mulititude of Doc Martin shoes they own.

*  Skinny Jeaned Sideburned Electronic Hipster - This is the closest species to Ryan.  He actually dresses well, quite well actually with skinny jeans, a skinny Banana Republic Euro looking sweater, sleak slip-on Italian looking shoes, and he may actually have on a tie.  He is probably wearing glasses and has that brush up hair-do.  All Skinny Jeaned Electronic Hipsters work at the mall cell phone kiosk - they have formed a trade union.  If you need to sink, link, or upload anything or get an app for anything they know how to do it.

*  Faux LeBron Honky NBA Wanna Be - At the risk of being non-PC this is the white guy with a goatee, scraggly side burns, a LA Laker hat on side-ways with a LeBron James jersey on top of a Celtics long-sleeved tee shirt.  The LeBron Jersey hangs down over his Pabst Blue Ribbon signature gut and down to his knees almost covering his jeans that are a 52" waist about his 48" body.  The jeans cover the approximate area between half his ass (showing off his LA Clippers boxers) and somewhere between his knees and his ankles.  He has multiple tattoos about his neck, arms, and ankles including all Chinese zodiac animals and some fung shei sign thing that must signify the balance between wearing someone else's jersey and the extreme personal slackerdom.  He has on high top sneakers of course.  You wonder how he can afford all that apparel or why he is even wearing it as his 5'4" stature means he has never actually played basketball before.  Makes me remember how rad I looked back in the day with ankle sox in black high tops and bike shorts hanging out under my gym shorts!  Aw Ryan what a memory!

*  The Hills Have Eyes/Duck Dynasty Family - enough said

Note:  Hey did you know that Hall of Fame Pittsburg Steeler's QB Terry Bradshaw was actually the back-up to that Duck Dynasty guy at Louisiana Tech!  Yep, there is no end to the stupid facts Ryan knows!  :)

OH well, all in all not a bad day.  I did get my sports briefs, 3 cool new ties, had a moderately satisfying mall food court lunch, discovered new territory, met fascinating people I did not know existed, delighted my daughters with chocolate, and for once the car was under warranty so I didn't have to take out a 2nd mortgage for a tire rotation and balance!

But I ain't going back to the mall anytime soon.  Surely some female out there is willing to bear that cross for me and dress me how she feels fit in the appropriate Banana Republic attire.  When dressed properly I do make a great accessory for a lady!