Monday, December 20, 2010

But it's All Right Now, I learned My Lesson Well. You See, Ya Can't Please Everyone, So Ya Got to Please Yourself

Hey, another Ashley Madison tag line!  So this is the blog entry I have so looked forward to writing.  I don’t think Riff Dog says much about his appearance other than that he is tall.  But now that I think about it I kind of think about him as looking a bit like Rick Nelson.

Not only was it luck that helped me happen upon the blog Ashley and Me but it was fortuitous that on the day in early May when I first read the blog Riff Dog just happened to be talking about “So you want to write a blog?”

So over the next week I take some downtime from Ashley Madison and go to school.  From February to May of this year Riff had basically turned his blog from a tell-all on his exploits to “Ashley Madison for Dummies.”  In fact I believe he only wrote of one new encounter in June before he took some time off in the last summer and fall.  I think to give himself some time to encounter some new adventures of which he is just now starting to reveal until he decided to cut us all off for the holidays.  At any rate at this point I am pretty dumb so I read and learn.

So I remember my current challenges:  1) as they say in business location, location, location (and mine is a disadvantage), 2) honesty isn’t getting me very far, 3) like I have always heard, women really like guys who make them laugh often even above looks and money.  Oh, and let’s make sure we keep the emphasis here on fun and stay confident!  In my mind I am hearing Mr. Rourke saying “smiles everyone! Smiles! Smiles!”

So after a few days of reading Riff Dog logic I realize the following:

Point #1, nobody really knows where I live here nor do they need to on the front end.  I can just change my zip to 22103 and BANG! I live just inside the Beltway in McLean.  Better yet just say NOVA and my zip will keep me in that vital 20 mile zip code range.

Point #2, well I just told my first fib above why stop there.  So I change to a Capricorn and lose about 2 years of age.  I also change from the current weight of about 185 to the aspirational weight of 175 (I have achieved that, AM provides such good motivation in other aspects of one’s life)!  I don’t lie about height; I believe 6 feet is pretty good.

Point #3, well I think I always have been fairly funny but I just needed a template and Riff gives some great pointers such as  Although truthfully I was back in saddle firing off AM e-mails about a week prior to this post.

            *  Note to reader:  my Ashley Madison wisdom has evolved over time so some of the things I say above I may refute later particularly with respect to location!

By the way, why do all these women like Riff Dog so much?  I think I may have to do a research paper on that for one of my blogs down the road but I suspect that the quick answer is that he is such a lovable, swashbuckling scoundrel and in the final analysis completely trustworthy in the Captain Jack Sparrow mold!  As Captain Jack said:

Me I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly it's the honest ones you have to watch out for; you never can predict if they're going to do something incredibly stupid.

Wow!  What a perfect mission statement for Ashley Madison!

So a few days into my research I come across a very interesting profile.  Her name is Alecia and she is a 40 year old Capricorn from a nearby town (nearby meaning actually outside the beltway).  She is 5’5,” weighs 115 #’s, is attached, and lists herself as “shaply toned” – good so far!  She has no checks but has very intriguing notes under each AM category such as:

“YOU know the exhilarating, insuppressible, passionate feeling – THE look and THE desire that one gets when at that given moment  you are exactly where you want to be – with that ONE person you want to be there with… the journey makes the destination what it is… slow down gentlemen and let’s establish a foundation without regret!”

“I am an attractive, articulate, intelligent, professional interested in meeting a gentleman in similar circumstances….Dramatic, co-dependant, vulgar men need not apply”

“Intrigue and chemistry is a key factor- so is humor – this is supposed to enhance our lives – not add stress…

Yikes, this is exactly who I want to be with.  During that second week of May I send a note to Alecia using my newly acquired Riff Dog’esque swagger.  The next day I get a note back saying

            prefer e-mail, send me a note to lecia123@*****.com and let me know where it will be coming from”

So I send Alecia a message from my personal e-mail account and let her know a little more about myself.  Two days go by and I am starting to get disappointed again.  But then on a Saturday I get a note that was sent late Friday night.  Apparently Alecia is a soccer mom and likes to text while she is at games.

“got your message, am at soccer game…  I don’t live in *** as I have on my profile…  I live and work in ….  tell me why you are on AM and what you hope for in a relationship such as this…”

Great, that is even closer to me!  Two things to note here: 1) wow, women are not necessarily being 100% factual on their profiles and 2) what am I looking for?  That’s a real landmine (or is it)!

So I rehash my boilerplate Starbucks stuff as that seems to mesh well with her profile.  I tell her about all my ballet experiences, that should be magnetic!  And, I suggest we meet for lunch or coffee.  I tell her I really like the sushi at *****, I’ll treat.  Again, three days go by and nothing from Alecia.  The difference here is I see she hasn’t logged onto AM in several days, which must be good.  Later in the week I e-mail again to just check in.  Moments later I get an e-mail from her

            “are you available to talk on the phone? Give number and I will call”

So I quickly get up and go to the restroom to clean off the pee and then…. J  Not quite, but I do catch my breath, give her my cell phone number, and go outside for a afternoon walk and some fresh air and then wait, and wait, and wait.

About 30 minutes later a phone call comes in from a *** area code, could this be her? (oops, I don’t think I said she lives in a different state, but you know the states come and go real fast around here).

I answer as I always do “this is Ryan.”  And on the other side a slightly deep and somewhat smoky female voice says “this is Alecia, can you talk?”

Before I go too much into the conversation I have to say Alecia has turned out to be a therapist.  Christ, just what I need a good mind-screw – did the fates send a psychologist as my first AM encounter in payment for my sins!  But we have a very nice conversation.  She asks about my job, again why I am on Ashley Madison, what I am looking for, and have I met anyone else.  To my credit I don’t commit too much, don’t talk too much, and don’t get intimidated (at least outwardly) by the questioning.  I turn the conversation to her and she talks about herself at length.  Apparently she has been on AM for several months and has met at least two men.  She refers to them as the “masturbator” and the “jerk.”  Apparently the “masturbator” fell by the wayside when she realized he was “wacking off” during one of their phone conversations.  “The jerk” apparently lost out when he assumed lunch = automatic sex and got aggravated when it didn’t happen.  So now I am trying to hold it together facing a therapist and mentally trying to figure out what my name is going to be down the road when she is talking to someone else, “the dork,” “the weenie,” I’m sure it won’t be good.  I again make a good turn toward her work and she spends a lot of time telling me about her job.  She is very passionate about her work and I do think she enjoyed telling me and liked the fact that I was interested.  Someone once told me if you want to impress someone just listen to them.  Things end well and she tells me she will send pictures.  Right at the end of the conversation she asks “are you smiling?”  Which is something she would often ask me, and I really liked it.  I had left the office in anticipation of the call so it was about 30 minutes before I could get back to my desk.  When I get there, yep – an e-mail with pictures.  Alecia is very attractive, and her looks seem to back up her demeanor.  I would say she looks a bit like Pink (the singer) but with long brunette hair and no nose ring.  At this point I am thinking she is a pretty tough chic.  I am hoping I am not out of my league – but stay confident!  Btw, don’t try to e-mail Alecia, that is not her real name of course, I am using Pink’s real name Alecia (Moore) for the purposes of this blog.  Did I tell you I met Pink once?  Perhaps that is a different story but I do want to find a way to work that 4 Non-Blondes song she covers, “What’s Up,” into a quote line – I have a good story to go with!

I send a follow up e-mail that night telling her how much I enjoyed the conversation and that I would love to meet for lunch.  Again, a big dead spot – no message back for several days.  It is now Memorial week and I send a note re-affirming my lunch offer.  Around 2 pm I get a message.

            “am free this afternoon, stop by my office if you can”

Wow, nothing like throwing down a gauntlet.  I am not too busy and her office is about 20 minutes away.  So I e-mail back and say I will be over in about an hour.  And so with that I have my first Ashley Madison meeting.


Anonymous said...

I have to say...

I don't think Riff's blog says you should lie about your stats or about yourself, just be vague about where you live, maybe change a year in either direction.

It's stuff like this that makes me hesitant about AM actually. I have been out with someone that completely fabricated their info, and it turned me off for a while.

Ryan Beaumont said...

Well said. For me this is really about remembering and laughting at myself as I bumbled and stumbled through all of this. I don't know if I have come out better on the other end, hopefully writing through this will help me answer that question.

Rosie said...

Riff's blog doesn't exactly say to lie, but to change details so as to unrecognizable my one's spouse. And I couldn't help it, but when I wrote my AM profile the man I was thinking of and described was --- Riff Dog. Never quite found him there, in someone local to me. Awww the Midwest.