Sunday, February 28, 2016

Do You Have the Time to Listen to Me Whine

So I have a big admission to make this Sunday - I LOVE watching the Republican debates.  It's like my love of watching WWE and NASCAR, it taps into something primal.  It's like unzipping your head and putting your brain in the washing machine and then just sitting on the couch in a vegetative state of stupefying bliss!  Watching Marco and Ted team up on the Donald is like seeing Stone Cold Steve Austin take Triple H to the woodshed!  Speaking of which, Ted sure does remind me of the Undertaker.

Anyway I have an itch I have to scratch from watching all those silly Republican boys quarreling over who has the biggest pee pee in the sandbox and that is the Ashley Madison profiles I've imagined for all of them whilst I've been on the elliptical at the gym.  Don't worry, I've been watching hot looking ladies as well, I can imagine posts and look at butts at the same time; I'm talented that way!

So it's Sunday, time for all those fancy political shows, I think Ashley Madison needs a voice as well, here we go!  Btw, if you are confused about some of their vital stats remember this is AM and they are politicians so the truth can be bought with Super PAC credits!

Face the Ashley w/special commentator Ryan Beaumont

the Donald
"I'm going to make you great again"

Age:  59
Location:   On top of a Ukrainian Bikini Model
Height:  6'2"
Weight: 195 lbs; fitter than Jeb
Languages Spoken:  American (what other language is there)
My Limits:  None
Status:  In between affairs and lawsuits
Gender:  Male
Ethnicity:  Whiter than imaginable
Smoking Habits:  Cigar only, with billionaires

I like Black & White cookies too!
My Intimate Desires:  Light Kinky Fun, Fetishes, Sensual Massage, Like to Receive Oral Sex, Being Dominant, Aggressiveness, Lots of Stamina

Let's face it your husband is a looser.  He's a political hack and makes horrible deals.  Did you know gas is under $2/gallon and interest rates are at a all time low, yet you're still stuck on that fixed term at 4%, bologna, screw around behind his back; he deserves it.  If you choose my message you are going to be so happy because you are going to win again.  We are going to build things together and it's going to be beautiful because I build beautiful things that people love and you are going to love it so much and we'll get the Mexicans to pay for it.  Trust me the margaritas and queso are on them!

If you like Chinese dinners, I love the Chinese; I make deals with them all the time.  I bet your husband pays full price for General Tso's Chicken, they always give me a free eggroll and an extra fortune cookie because they love me and I make great deals with them that create jobs and make everybody rich and I don't tip them because I refuse to let them manipulate our currency and they still love me!

My Perfect Match:  Professional/Well Groomed, Muscular/Fit Body, Tall Height, Long Hair, Confidence, Stylish/Classy, Not Possessive, A Good Listener, Good Personal Hygiene, High Sex Drive, Seeking Sugar Baby

I have great respect for blond Eastern European models, they love me too and we negotiate great deals together so if you are a model and you like to win you'll love me; we'll do beautiful things together and we'll be great together again.  Now if you are looking for a Chinese or Japanese guy your wrong, we have been losing women to them and that's going to stop because we are going to make great deals with them and they are going to have to do their fair share and we are going to win again and again and stop them from taking from us because we are through losing to them because once you are with me you are going to be a winner again.

Btw, I love breasts I just don't mention that as a perfect match because I prefer to buy breasts.  And when I buy breasts I buy the biggest most beautiful breasts and put them on the most beautiful women, often from foreign countries because I'm not going to leave a beautiful women to lie around horny on the streets of Prague with natural breasts.  I negotiate deals because I'm a really great negotiator, you'll love the way I negotiate for your breasts and I get them at the best possible price.  When I'm President we are going to have the best breasts because we won't have boarders, we will let the free market come into place for the best breasts.  If Kansas has better breast than Kentucky then you can get your breasts from Kansas.

My Personal Interests:  Travel, Fine Dining/Candle Lit Dinners, Politics, Watching Sports, Boating, Daring Rendezvous, I Do Not Drink

When you choose me I'm going to build a wall because I want to keep all those sickos on the other side.  You know I've looked at profiles of women who come over from Plenty of Fish; they don't send us their best MILFS.  So we are going to build a wall keep them on the other side, make them pay, and I'll keep all the hot soccer moms to myself because you are going to love me, I do great things.

Mr. Havana Daydreamer
"domo arigato Marco roboto"

Age:  45
Location:  Miami
Height:  5'10"
Weight:  185
Languages Spoken:  Spanish, English
My Limits:  Talking off script
Status:  In a Relationship
Gender:  Male
Ethnicity:  Just Hispanic enough for a hot conservative soccer mom
Smoking Habits:  Maybe a Cuban cigar once in awhile

My Intimate Desires:  Conventional Sex, Curious - Submissive, Gentleness, Sensual Massage, Someone Who Can Teach Me, Cuddling & Hugging, Good With Your Hands, Likes to Go Slow, Kissing

Do you know that 80% of women on Ashley Madison prefer me second to the guy they currently prefer.  Sure those other guys may be able to say more interesting stuff than me and I may not win anyone over but wouldn't you rather look into my soft brown eyes for the next four years than Hillary's evil, piercing, bank saving, Wall Street insider, Obama-care loving eyes!  I'm the only one who can unify the party.  Oh wait Marco, stop talking, just let the ladies look into my eyes and smile; maybe they won't realize I only show up 50% of my votes and meet and greets!

My Perfect Match:  Professional/Well Groomed, Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type, Long Hair, Creative and Adventurous, Confidence, Natural Breasts, Stylish Classy, Relaxed and Easy Going, Likes Routine

I know that in this new American century you have been looking at those hot Latin politicians and wondering if they would be good in bed.  Well here they are, they are me; but I have a great smile and soft voice so I'm not as threatening.  Always dreamed of being Lucy and have Ricky banging you from behind, I'm your guy and don't worry about having to 'splain anything; I'm not really a deep guy anyway, I probably won't understand.

My Personal Interests:  Travel, Music Lover, Watching Sports, Romantic Walks, Picnics, Dancing, Playing Sports, Physical Fitness, Outdoors/Nature,

My personal interests are being crazy enough for South Carolina and Florida women but not so crazy that Virginia women forget to look into my soft brown eyes.  You know that's what it's all about.  Soccer MILF's out there, don't you really want to be looking at me on your I Phone during soccer practice the next eight years!  Donald's orange skin tone and Ted's glare really don't come across very good on the 6s.

Tedicated to You
"read my message or you are one supreme delete away from loosing all your freedom to socialist sharia law loving gun thieving progressives"

Age:  46
Location:  In Texas waiting for the Rapture
Height:   5'11"
Weight:  10 lbs lighter than Marco on immigration reform
Languages Spoken:  American and no longer Canadian (in spite of what Donald says)
My Limits:  the 2nd Amendment, American freedom, and principled Christian Conservative principles have no limits
Status:  Somewhere between Puritanical and Calvinistic
Gender:  Male
Ethnicity:  Recently more American than Canadian but Cuban enough to get your vote if you are Hispanic
Smoking Habits:  Never

My Intimate Desires:  Light Kinky Fun, Fetishes, Blindfolding, Sensual Massage, Bubble Bath for 2, Likes to be Watched/Exhibitionism, Sex Talk, Being Dominant/Master, Bondage, Spanking, Role Playing, Erotic Tickling, Aggressiveness, Lots of Stamina,

How would you like to spend the next 48 hours in an intimate filibuster with me!  I'll read Green Eggs & Ham to you naked in the shower!  And the great thing about it is your husband is on the golf course and doesn't have the votes for cloture to stop us from coitus!  Except that I support concealed carry so I don't pull out my big Texas gun for anyone! 

My Perfect Match:  Girl Next Door, Discretion/Secrecy, Has a Secret Love Nest, Natural Breasts, A Good Listener,

A lady who realizes we are one Obama/Clinton click away from never being able carry a weapon on a date, burn unsubsidized non-alternative fossil fuel on a long drive in the country, or tell other people we know how to pray like us Christians.  

My Personal Interests:  Father Figure, Politics, Erotic Literature, Shopping for Sex Toys, Motorcycles, Daring Rendezvous, Long Drives

Smirking and pissing off my fellow Republicans that would consider agreeing with anyone other than me.

Non-Crazy Train
"this is what sanity looks like"

Age:  64
Location:  the state you have to win to be President!
Height:  5'11"
Weight: 195
Languages Spoken:  Plain Spoken, and just a little Democrat when absolutely necessary
My Limits:  Potty Mouth
Status:  The non-crazy one in the room
Gender:  Male
Ethnicity:  Unfortunately White
Smoking Habits:  Not unless I need a bill co-signed

My Intimate Desires:  Conventional Sex, Gentleness, Bubble Bath for 2, Cuddling & Hugging, Nothing Kinky, Good with Your Hands, Someone I Can Teach, Likes to Go Slow, Kissing

My intimate desires are college sports, sensible tax policy, immigration reform, working across the isle, Cincinnati chili.....  Wait, your not listening.....  Oh well, nobody listens to me even though I'm the only sane person in the room.  Well go for it, screw around with Donald or Marco or Ted in these early meet and greets but if you don't want your world to end over the next four years consider coming back to me.

My Perfect Match:  Professional/Well Groomed, Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type, Tall Height, Long Hair, Good Communicator, Relaxed and Easy Going, Hopeless Romantic, Casual/Social Drinker

Let's face it if you are looking for discretion and secrecy in a relationship do you really want any of these other guys in charge of the click button.  I may not have any personality but at least I won't blow up your twitter feed!

My Personal Interests:  Father Figure, Fine Dining, Politics, Watching Sports, Romantic Walks, Wine Tasting, Cooking/Barbecuing, the Outdoors/Nature

Getting to the middle of the stage and waving my arms around while showing how I can bring people together.  Because if I can bring my arms together then I must be able to bring us together.

Why no Dr. Carson?  Well, Wolf kind of forgot about him as well the other night so don't get on my ass for forgetting!  Besides he talks too slow for Ashley Madison anyway and he's a doctor; a doc's AM is the ER, every day stat!  :)

Oops, and who can forget:

Feel the Bern!
"and by bern I mean wealth redistribution not the bern from an unwashed pecker."

I don't take checks from corporations, Super PACS, or married dating sites so I won't put any checks here!  I don't write priority messages because I prefer to be funded 5 credits at a time.  I am tired of working class ladies getting pushed out by off shore single corporate prostitutes sending unregulated winks to underfunded men.  So I am proposing a tax on all credits used in response to single overseas women under 30 that will go into a trust fund and mandated to be spent by men who will write to women who have not been getting a fair piece of the Ashley Madison pie.  It only fair, too few people have been getting the incremental sex that Ashely Madison creates; we all need a share of the hair-pie! And listen, NO woman's tits are too big to fail!  If you have small tits you should have a chance too.  And I am not a single issue guy.  I know there are women in China, in Europe, the Middle East, and the Far East and we have to deal with them but let's face it, I'm a crusty old curmudgeonly wild haired guy, those ladies are not going to *uck me so I'm not going to spend hard our earned credits funding the needs of foreign ladies.  Americans are not the world's pimp, they can solve their own needs!


Same sassy girl said...

Oh my... you are way too good at this! You captured them so perfectly! Your mind is a strange and wonderful place, Ryan. I swear I've already seen all of these guys online.

shadowfire said...

This is very funny....

"Do you know that 80% of women on Ashley Madison prefer me second to the guy they currently prefer." LMBO!!!

And yes, Bernie really does come across as 'dirty'...

~ shadowfire ~

Anonymous said...

Great post.!!! Thanks a lot.......