Wednesday, December 19, 2012

We're All in this Together

It's the Holiday Season which means for us parents the annual school holiday performance.  As affable and polite (remember I'm Southern) as I am on the outside, I can be a bit curmudgeonly in private.  With the curmudgeon in mind I'll say this (this is a blog after all, I can be candid), I frickin' hate them!  Yes, for the most part, your local school performance does not have a future Ashley Tisdale or Vanessa Hudgens performing.

You see I've never really been a "kid person."  Now my kids are gems, mind you.  They are my life, but other people's kids - meh?

Bottom line is, I don't really look forward to these school performances.  As darling as the kids are they sing off key, the chairs are uncomfortable, it's too hot, it's late and I'd rather be at home watching Georgetown play Mount Saint Holy Sacrifice U on ESPN, yada, yada.  But of course I endure.

When my kids were younger it was a bit easier.  They would be first.  They would sing their two little Jingle Bells songs, get off stage, and after getting them in their classroom I could "get the hell out of Dodge" so to speak.  But now that they are older I have to sit through all those "booger eaters" until my kids get on-stage.  Note, parental code talk here:  Ryan's kids = gems, everybody else's kids = booger eaters!  Yes I'm a hypocrite!  But I admit it!   :)

Anyway what is a poor guy to do during all of this.  Well, if you are a scumbag like Ryan you make up for all this time suckage by checking out those hot moms!  Well let's be precise, checking out those hot MILF asses.  Though Ashley Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens may not be performing on-stage, someone that might look like their mom might be out in the crowd all "gussied up" for the big program and that is something a guy like me can appreciate.

So I come to my point of the day.  It really came to me in a revelation.  You see my kids go to a private school and so as everyone was saying their "Hail Mary's" I mentally wrote this post about some of the moms of our school.  Really it's a tribute kind of post so I say this with the reverence the environment and topic demand.

"Bullshit Ryan you are just trying to justify looking at women's asses while everyone else was praying; you are a total BS'er and a real tool!"  OK, ok so I'm going to hell; sue me!  :)

Anyway this is a tribute to all those lovely moms.  After all, part of the educational component of this blog is to give you that dark, twisted, warped, screwed-up vision that is the male mind.  I'll categorize them for affect below.

Ryan's Moms of the Holiday Program:

*     Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife:

his wife is hotter than Susan Dey
I feel kind of bad including Mr. Lawyer's wife because I know him; he is a helluva guy and a very good lookin' fella in his own right.  He has blond hair and blue eyes and always dresses well; picture him as Arnold Becker (you know from LA Law).  He wears a totally "*hit eating" perma-grin forged from the many times he must have screwed his trophy wife (so would I).  Mr. Lawyer is the guy you call when you get caught drinking and driving with a hooker and holding a bag of crystal meth.  Yes he is the guy who's smiling face is on that billboard in the bad part of town; you know the one at the intersection of Crack Alley and Pimp Boulevard.

And yes all that has led to his great success.  That and the failure of our state to enact tort reform has surely financed the tits Mr. Lawyer's Wife now proudly wears (and all of us poor guys admire from afar).

Mrs. Lawyer has long blond hair right down to the crux of her nice round ass.  She always has her hair in that slightly slutty sexy kinky style women get when they tie their hair into braids and then let it go free.  Kind of like Glenn Close in fatal attraction or Sarah Jessica to the left, except Mr. Lawyer's wife is way sexier than both.  Damn, I'm turned on just thinking about it.  She drives an Escalade which is also sexy.  She is probably about 5'6" and maybe 118# (at most) although in those "*uck me" pumps she wears she stands more like 5'9".  She has a "GORGEOUS" body.  Thin but curvy hips just slightly smaller in diameter than those loverly tits.  Her stature and her stance accentuate her stunning appearance along with those skinny jeans and skin tight red sweater.  I better move on, I can't think about her any more; it hurts.

*     Ms. Young Hot-for-Teacher:

Hot young teacher is the teacher all the kids love.  She's the energetic one that takes the time after school to get involved in leading the play.  She is walking around with great enthusiasm and purpose before the program getting all the sound and lighting just right.  At least I think that is what she is doing.  I am really just looking at that young round 20-something ass in those skin tight black slacks that almost appear as those sexy yoga pants.  Her white dress blouse is open three buttons as it is hot.  This allows enough allure to be tempting to look at but not enough to engage the wrath of the Monsignor.  Ms. Young Teacher is eternally perky; my god I bet she would be a wildcat in bed.  I imagine me on top of her with her limber legs wrapped around my neck (yes, she could still do that; she's only 29).  Damn I better move on.

*     Mrs. PTA:

I won't linger on PTA mom long.  She has an above average body and because she knows and loves clothes she knows just what to wear to accentuate and flatter.  It's just enough to be cute but not quite enough to be slutty.  She has perfect hair and make-up.  I bet she was a wild-cat in bed too back in college.  But now, IDK.  Something tells me she's not real kissy because that would mess up the make-up.  Blow job?  Hell no, she just got botox and spent $300 for that hair so you better keep that "wad" to yourself; nothing is going to muss that hair.

No, sex will cost you a trip to St. Barts and it will have to be sandwiched between her massage and aroma therapy or just after her tennis lesson but can't be more than 15 minutes because she has to get ready for the dinner excursion starting at 6 pm.  And for God sake don't sweat on her she just got a spray tan!!!

*     Ms. Nerd:

I've known Ms. Nerd for several years.  Her daughter takes dance class with mine and she is a nerd too.  Once I was sitting in class observing my daughter and her daughter belted out the loudest *art I've ever heard; poor girl.  Ms. Nerd is, well, a nerd.

"OMG Ryan, we've been listening and holding our comments so far but now you've gone too far.  You are a total creep and an objectifier of women.  How dare you categorize this poor woman and pigeon hole her and infringe upon her already soft self esteem.  FU A-hole!"

OK, you know you are right but bear with me because I am always the Contrarian!  I also love women and I believe all women have the capacity to be beautiful in the right setting.

You see I view Ms. Nerd as a very high value opportunity.  Sure she has "mousy" hair, really bad glasses, and is probably wearing "granny" undies.  That suit she bought from Kohl's is cheap but I can just now make out the outlines of what looks like one Super Fine ass.  And you know, I can't be sure but my internal guy radar senses she has some nice tits if she was in the right bra.

How Ryan likes to think of Ms. Nerd!
Yes, that's it!  If I could just get those "granny" panties off of her and my tongue between those legs I just bet Ms. Nerd would absolutely loosen up and be a total Minx!  I just bet if you broke through the shell of those nerdy glasses you'd find a super-hot woman that would be so appreciative that you simply appreciate her.  She would probably *uck you 'til your balls fell off and then thank you for it.

Damn, I should have married her.

*     Mrs. International:

Have you ever watched those National Geographic shows where they do a computer image of the "average human."  You know where they morph all races and ethnicity together.  Isn't the image that results like so completely HOT.  That is a fact that multiracial is always so sexy.

In my little world we get a lot of different cultures merging, probably driven by the proximity of a large city that happens to be the capital of the most powerful country on Earth.

And because of that you get to meet ladies like Mrs. International.  I don't know where the hell she is from.  I'd believe her if she said she was from Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Burma, the Philippines, or Timbuktu.  But it damn sure ain't Des Moines!  I think her dad might have been a GI back in the 60's on some foreign mission to topple a 3rd world country.  He may have met Mrs. International's mom, knocked her up, and brought her back to the states.
Ryan is all about Multiculturalism!
Bottom line though Mrs. International has that Cafe au Lait skin; long, beautiful, flowing, silky/shinny black hair; beautiful and striking skin tone and perfect cheek bone structure; and my God what a body.  "All hips and lips, made to trick just any fool (that's another lyric from the Soup Dragons)."  I'm even turned on by her nose ring which I usually don't like.

Wow, I should have been in the Foreign Service.

*     Mrs. Hot Power Mommy:

Mrs. Power Mommy comes bolting in about 5 minutes before the show, just in from a day-trip up to Philly (thank God for the Acela Express)!  She is texting in her right hand on her blackberry and checking voice mail with her left on her IPhone.  With her other hand she reaches back as she lifts her legs in some sort of yoga move to remove her heels.

"Wait Ryan are you saying she has three hands?"

Oh, I guess you are right; that would be weird.  Yes at some point she shifted the IPhone to a precarious position nestled between her chin and shoulder still checking VM and texting whilst removing those uncomfortable shoes and glides across the gym floor in her stockinged feet.

Mrs. Hot Power Mom is a different kind of hot than Mr. Lawyer's Trophy Wife.  Mrs. Trophy Wife has that ex-Playboy bunny body (now in her mid-30's).  Mrs. Power Mom doesn't have a playboy body, she is more Vogue.  But she is still a head turner in her Versace suit and tall thin willowy body.  She is as much of a head turner for those other moms as she is the dads.  Dads, go ahead and take a peak, she knows you are looking; she is used to men looking at her.  But don't dare gawk for if her eyes meet yours those piercing blue eyes will cut to your soul.  Those school moms perhaps wonder about her high powered exciting life on the road and perhaps wonder if she truly does have it all.  The men might just be a tad bit intimidated thinking she's been with CEO's, why would she be with you?  Oh but to know the truth.....

So the question of the day is:
........who on this list is married to Ryan?!   :)


Unknown said...

So here I was thinking I was going to hear about the fantastic grade school rendition of "Christmas High School Musical!"

Thankfully, my kids school doesn't do the whole school Christmas Show. The have the choirs and chorus' do they're thing (upper grades) and the 3rd/4th graders put on a short play. In and out in an hour. :) Then they repeat in the spring with the 1st/2nd grades. And K has their own. It's MUCH better that way. :)

My guess is Mrs. Ryan is
"Mrs. Hot Power Mom". Which is interesting since my current 'friend' fits that stereotype.

If we hadn't emailed extensively prior to meeting, I would have been very intimidated. However, after getting to know her, I realized behind the 'perfect' exterior is just someone who wants to be shown attention. Which I gladly do! :D I right? Or are you a Ambulance Chasing Lawyer?

Anonymous said...

I like to think of Ms Nerd the same way.

Kat said...

I think you married Mrs. Hot Power Mom. Definitely.

I'm with you on the holiday shows...I hate them. But just as you take advantage of the opportunity to check out the hot moms, I gaze longingly at the hot daddys....and there are SO many of them. Let the kids have the candy canes. I'll sit back and enjoy the eye candy and then go home for some peppermint lube. ;-)

Fun post!

Gertie said...

Fun post you are definitely married to Mrs. Hot Power Mom, but I bet you'd get alot more sex married to Mrs. Nerd! Lol

Ps You used the same pic for Mrs. How Power Mom in one of your more recent posts describing Shannon.

Max said...

Fun post. I don't have a guess, so I hope you'll tell us the answer. :-)

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Sweet Lou - you know it's funny, I have a lawyer friend who always introduces himself as an "ambulance chaser." But he is not Mr. Lawyer, nor am I. :)

@ Pony - I think that is why guys like women in glasses, we have a fantasy of taking them of and encountering a wildcat in bed!

@ Oh Kat but to be yon ass that such delectible feline maid doth gaze upon would be such sweet pepperment lube to my manhood. Sorry I got all Shakespeary with your comment!

@ Gertie - Yep Ms. Nerd might not have gotten as much in college so she'd probably be making up for lost time now!

@ Max and all: while Shannon shares characteristics of all and certainly many with PTA mom she is certainly an Uber-Power Mommy! After all she drove me to write this silly blog ya know! :)