Monday, March 17, 2014

Everything that Kills Me Makes Me Feel Alive

Hey you know it's NASCAR season and so I was remembering how one of my favorite commentators always likes to say "yellow flags beget yellow flags."

Geez, Ryan your FFF last Friday was such a nice reminder that this is supposed to be a G*d D*mmed sex blog and now you start talking about NASCAR and cautions?  WTF!

Well, OK; but let me just say that what Darrell Waltrip means is that often these NASCAR dudes will be going along just fine turning left for 100's of miles and then all of a sudden one guy (or gal as it may be now) will make a mistake and take a right turn into the wall.  And then it seems that simple screw up will start making all the other drivers start bumping into one another and then there is a yellow flag caution fest until those good-'ol-boys figure out how to turn left again.

Great 'effin point Ryan, how does it relate here though?

Yes, well I've found in my Ashley Madison Adventures that it is the same way with AM and female interaction.  You see, while it's been quite some time sense I was consistently "active" on AM I will occasionally venture on and perhaps even send a note just to keep my form up to speed so to speak. But I have to admit the old Ryan charm had long been dormant.  Nary a reply had I gotten in many many months.  Not that I really cared though.

But something about that interaction with Alecia just made me want to take a peek.  And low and behold two days later two (count them 2) messages in my mischief yahoo inbox.  Yes, two ladies had selected me as a "favorite."  Now, me being the sage AM expert knew this could be one of those "hosts."  However, those "hosts" usually "wink," not "favorite" and these ladies had looked at my profile, and neither of them had pictures (hint:  big boobs + teeny bikini usually = online host; no picture more often = real woman).

Furthermore these women actually looked quite interesting.  They were Adventurous One and Outdoor Girl.  I clicked on Outdoor Girl - ZAP,  she is/was from my "for real" town.  FYI, Ryan's profile says he lives in town X but he really lives in town Y (about 30 miles away).  Now, perhaps Outdoor Girl uses the same philosophy but I wasn't going to risk it.

Adventurous Girl had all the markings of an e-mail queen:  "looking for one special guy", "not sure what I'm looking for but I'll know it when I see it," "let's chat first and see where chemistry takes us..."
But other parts of her profile (like enjoying zip lining) were really interesting.  She said she was "looking for one kind and funny man" and it was a slow night at work and I like to think of myself as funny so I wrote her.

She wrote back and over the course of about three days we had fairly consistent notes over AM.  She seemed generally entertained by my notes but for some reason I was not motivated to close the deal via a suggested meeting.  I guess I'm like one of my cats now, if they found a mouse they would play with it but something about their domesticity has yanked that killer instinct from them.  I'd like to say she was a little further away than I generally care to travel and the weather was super sucky but truth be told I lacked that "killer" instinct anymore!

Anyway, eventually I gave up and focused on my ladies at hand Alecia and Sandee.

But then about a week later lo and behold Outdoor Girl showed amazing persistence and winked at me.  WOW, I being stalked on Ashley Madison - I've arrived!!!  :)

I couldn't let such admiration go unattended this time.  So I started conceiving a letter to Outdoor Girl.

OMG, she's online now and she just requested my pictures!  So I do what I always do and I print out her profile so I can write a nice note hitting on all her WITY's (what's it to you)!

OMG, she really wants me she just sent me her pics!  OK, so a quick look and then I'll finish the note.

So I open her pics.

O!   M!    'effin G!

I know this lady!  *HIT!

And by know her, it's not like she is the cashier at Wegman's or someone I knew 10 years ago when I used to go bowling on Wednesday nights (FYI, that was an analogy; I don't bowl).  She lives in my dang neighborhood!  My kids know her kids, they play together sometimes.

Ooops, did I mention that I had actually sent my note to her before I looked at her pictures and had (in fact) sent her my pictures (against my better judgement)?!

Well thankfully, my judgement was slightly in tact.  Actually I sent a note to her without my picture pass key and she wrote back asking for my pictures and well I just wanted to be polite.  Thank goodness I only sent the pictures of me with sunglasses.

She then sends a note.  "Can you send a note to my yahoo, I can't see your pictures very well on this site -"  Now, of course, she is not Blake's mom but her e-mail is her son's name and yes I know her son's name (the lady from my neighborhood) and unless this is some crazy coincidence that a lady on AM who looks just like my neighbor and has a son with the same name as my neighbor's son then this is, in fact, who I think it is.

Jeez, I was just screwing around on a freakin' Saturday afternoon and now this, could this be the end of Ryan - where's the nobility and intrigue in this?  This is just stupidity at work!  OH wait, we are talking about me - this is just poetic justice, right?!

Well in life I have come to realize that the lazy way is often the best way out.  I like to think of it as Ryan's Razor (stolen conveniently from Occam's Razor) - "among competing hypothesis, the hypothesis that exerts the least effort is likely to produce the best results (or at least if you are truly lazy you won't give a *rap anyway so why expend the most effort).  

It was late in the day so my "out" if you will was this.

"Hey Ms. Outdoor, wrapping up for the day and have to head out.  I'll check in with you on Monday."

Yeah, a bit "dick'ish," not my usual style, but extreme circumstances call for extreme measures and at this point I'm just stalling for time.

Honestly, what I thought about doing was just telling her I thought I knew her and she should be a little more careful about who she sends pictures too before knowing they definitely don't live down the street!  Thankfully I thought better of my good intentions.  You know that William of Ockham dude was a 13th Century Monk and so many of those well intentioned guys back then got drawn and quartered for those good intentions!  I wanted to keep my limbs in tact so I stuck with lazy (for now)!

Fortunately by Monday Outdoorgirl realized the error of her ways and had deleted her account.

Danger averted, lesson learned.

And ladies the moral of this story is:

*     Like a boxer don't lead with your face!
*     If you are a well known person, relocate to a new town on AM (Ms. Outdoor is in a career where you meet A LOT of people and she is certainly well known in our town, I hope she realizes now how much she risked)
*     For the love of God create a new personal "mischief" e-mail that has nothing to do with who's mom you are, where you really live, and what you do for a living.
*     And ladies do try to be truthful!!!!  Ms. Outdoor (on AM) is 35 and apparently about a size 6.  The lady I know who looks exactly like Ms. Outdoor and has a son with the same name is 46 and about a size 10.  Now that lady is a wonderful lady and has no reason to be ashamed of her looks but do realize that if you depict yourself as Jennifer Anniston on your profile at some point you may need to actually look like her.  Here the truth works because most of those guys who don't look Jennifer Anniston-worthy may not write to you out of fear!

Except for me, I really do look like Brad Pitt!  :)

"sing in the river, the lessons I've learned...."


Unknown said...

Yikes! That's way too close to home! I used to see the father of one of my child's classmates on there. He was one of those guys who just sent his picture out all willy nilly to any woman that interested him. It made me snicker every time I saw him at school events.
It amazes me how some people don't seem to get it.

Same sassy girl said...

Whoa... that's downright scary! Thanks for the reminder Ryan! She obviously has not read the sexy blogs with all the AM advice.

Advizor54 said...

i have one on-line friend who recognized one of the pictures i took when I was out jogging. She's close, very close, but I haven't been able to get her to join me for lunch. But, we know we know, so it's OK.

If they aren't aware, that's when it gets dangerous