Monday, July 11, 2011

Honey I’m Still Free, Take a Chance on Me

There you go!  That’s right – Abba lyrics!  And now you’re saying there is a 1 in 3 chance this guy is gay and all those girls are actually guys.  Nope, it just fits this post and a little Abba every now and again never hurt anyone.

A long time ago when I envisioned this blog I fashioned myself perhaps an East Coast version of Riff.  But then I am no suave Hollywood type so perhaps this East Coast version would be more about a regular guy’s trials and tribulations on this fast track to infidelity.  And I thought I could share some experiences and perhaps even tips for my potential peers out there.  Of course, as I began to write my blog, it tended to be more of Ashley and Me meets the Three Stooges.  I wonder which stooge I am most like Moe, Larry, or Curley?

Anyway, today I would like to get back to some of that advice I was hoping to hand out.  And since I never have had an original thought I will give my advice through an analogy and with the help of Riff.

You see, I think success on AM is a lot like trying to get into college.  When I was applying to college back in the day (ouch, was it really in 1985), someone told me you should apply to at least 4/5 schools.  One application should be for a “shoot for the stars” university, 2 or 3 would be for schools you really wanted to attend and felt you had a decent shot at acceptance, and then one “safety school” any common idiot slacker could get into.  I, of course, being high minded mostly stayed with the Ivy League schools; meaning of course, various Ivy Tech campuses.

So let’s give some specifics to our analogy.  Let’s envision a young Riff pup back in the day thinking about college.  Well, let’s be real – thinking about college girls!  Riff wants to shoot for the stars so he applies to UCLA being that he is a Jim Morrison wannabe, btw the chics there are waaay better than the politician’s daughters at Stanford and the hippies at Cal (and USC as you know is the University of Spoiled Children).  I know, I know Turtle on Entourage goes to UCLA – but it’s actually an excellent school and you know Turtle isn’t actually real.  But Riff probably won’t get into UCLA so he realizes that he likes to look at asses (I mean oceans) and beaches and he thinks you can study oceans, or whales, or dolphins and shit in college so that sounds like a plan.  And you know what, the girls at Long Beach State and San Diego State are hot, they have beach science, and he might be able to get into those schools.  Riff is really just trying to meet girls and get Frat party gigs anyway so what does it really matter.  And finally, since Riff realizes college girls have better tits he has decided to go no matter what so he also applies to Cal State Chico (they were actually rated once in Playboy’s top party schools) and Tarzana Institute for Tuning Sciences (TITS).  You notice as I envisioned Riff’s collegiate search I barely mentioned anything academic, something tells me that’s accurate!

And so there you have it.  If you really want success on Ashley Madison you have to first decide if you are going to do it no matter what.  If that is the case I would do exactly as Riff did in applying to college.  Take a few “shoot for the stars” chances for sure but keep to the ladies you realistically think you will attract.  Who will you attract?  Well, think about your wife and all the girls you have ever dated.  Is this AM lady’s profile in that category?  If so, write to her.  And finally, if you are bound and determined to have an affair you need to seek ladies that you think would simply be interested in you no matter how you screw things up.  And by that I mean if you see someone who would think that Turtle is a hottie or that FWB means you pay for her to upsize her McDonalds Value Meal or that to her discussing current trends would be an analysis on why the Real Housewives of DC keep it more real than the ones in Atlanta.  Take it from me you can succeed and this is coming from someone who could *uck up a wet dream!

UCLA  =  

Beach U =

San Diego State =

Cal State Chico =

(note: I have to admit Ann was fairly cool on Bill Maher last night)
So what are a few things I have done?

Shoot for the Stars (my UCLA’s):
Miss Soignée - This woman was HOT, we are talking Carrie Prejean at 40.  I glanced over her profile a few times but never wrote.  One day I was feeling confident and decided to waste $8 on a priority message.  I think I said something like “chic and soignée?  Are doubly sophisticated and elegant?  Of course I sprinkled in some Riff Dog’esque charm and darn if she didn’t write back.  It was an I Phone type reply but said “you’re sweet, thanks for the compliment – what do you do?”  We wrote several times over the next few days.  She sent me her private key that had some quite wonderful modeling pictures that left little to the imagination and did actually look like her though probably a decade earlier.  Unfortunately she lived in Richmond and while I did have some business that could have taken me there a few months down the road she dropped off AM about 1 week later.  I saw her on another site later and she had some public photos of her with one of those Euro hair designers like Vidal Sassoon (I’m not quit up to date on my fashion lingo).  Anyway I like to think I came close so it was worth the try and I’ll just continue to assume those photos were actually her!

Ms NBA – She had one of those headless photos on AM and was wearing one of those slinky trapeze artist type leotards – very HOT.  Again, I didn’t think I had a shot but she had a very interesting caption that said “I purr like a Maserati!”  That gave me a thought – I wrote to her and asked “will I need to purr in Italian to ask you out;” that along with my normal stuff got her attention.  We e-mailed for several days and chatted often on Yahoo.  She said she was a former NBA cheerleader and was a Kickboxing Instructor, so at least I had the good feeling that if she didn’t like me she could just kick my ass instead of simply telling me to screw off!  I felt I was fairly close to a date if I could make the timing work.  My main problem is that as much as I may seem so witty here; J in fact I really SUCK on the whole sexting/phone-sex type stuff so often that is where I get buried L  But again – nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So after a lot of time and money I just made the “wait list” but, in the end, was deigned admission to those fine academic institutions.  But we are always empowered by simply attempting the journey!  You could probably say that Shannon was my UCLA; it’s just that I’m currently on academic probation.  L

My Beach U’s:
Alicia/Sandra – I think you can categorize me as OK looking.  I’m early/mid-40’s, 6 ft, about 175#, have my hair, and work out a lot.  Alicia is/was 41, 5’6,” and about 120#, Sandra is 49, 5’10,” and I would say about 145#.  And what they had listed on their likes in their profiles lined up pretty well with mine so it wasn’t too hard to come up with a nice intro.  Given their stats and mine I was reasonably sure that I would be fairly desirable to them and of course since they were female, they were desirable to me!  So among the probably 100 women who fit that description that I wrote to they were the two that accepted my application!  Yeah, I guess I did apply to more than 5 schools in this analogy.

Safety School (my Chico State):
I could tell ya’ but I’d have to kill ya’!  J

Oh and here's that Abba song!



Little Miss Me said...

Hehe great advice there ;) and I'm blaming you when I drive my mother mad tonight because abba is already stuck in my brain and I refuse to sing in my head

Kat said...

I can't believe you resorted to an Abba song (shaking my head). I do, however, like the analogy you draw between AM and applying for college. I'm thinking about where I went to school now and wondering what the AM equivalent would be. It was a very good and well known school, but it wasn't an Ivy League school, which I got into but turned down because I preferred to stay somewhat local. Hmmm.....that is sort of like my AM life. I definitely prefer local...except for *you*, of course. ;-)

Myli said...

I was just about to write my comment when I saw what Kat wrote and she said it better than what I was going to say lol. I can't believe that Tarzana's acronym is TITS! lol

Anonymous said...

In finding success at AM, I have discovered there is no substitute for having confidence, being true to oneself, and knowing the types of women one will connect with most. Invest time and energy in those women, and forget the rest. In other words, concentrate on where your odds are greatest for success and do not waste resources chasing the outliers.

It's better to be very discerning and never dumb down by applying to a lesser ‘college’ simply because one can. The cost of tuition at the lesser schools can turn out to be much steeper than one thinks too. And the tuition costs is always a greater concern than my application being accepted. BTW, I lived in 22203 for a number of years so I know the AM market well there.

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Little Miss - I'm assuming that if we used English college's you'd be Oxford or Cambridge (definitely not Hogwartz)

@ Kat - hmm..., I saw Glenn Close on a show this morning perhaps her - talented, confident, edgy, elegant, smart

@ Asian Girl - I did make up TITS but I think Riff got his MFA from Huntington University of Guitar Electronic Technology and
Acoustics (HUGE T&A)

@Ketch - 22203, ah Arlington, is that Clarendon or Ballston? I know those areas well!

Anonymous said...

The Virginia Square neighborhood, but technically Ballston...had a lot of great times there!

Ryan Beaumont said...

Yep, I like Ballston. I often drive into the Ballston Commons Mall to catch the Metro into DC. It's a good place to park and taking the Metro in from there is better than driving and trying to park in the District.

I like Rock Bottom Brewery at the mall.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes. Been there many times, and know all the short cuts. Take the covered cross walk over Wilson into the NSF building and then down the narrow escalator and out toward Fairfax Ave and then left into the Ballston stop. We were probably scoping out the same bottoms at the brewery too. :-)

Riff Dog said...

I think we all have a couple Chico State stories we choose not to tell. ;-)

Ms. B said...

Great post... I love the LA analogy you have going on here. I agree on every level. I love those Bruins...