Thursday, May 17, 2012

Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane

In spite of being a left of center kind of guy I do tend to believe the "free market system" is the best system in the world.  It allows us to be totally concerned with what benefits us most; taking care of ME!

In my professional life I have often been one of those "contracted" workers.  The guys you bring in because you don't want to do the dirty work.  "Bring in Beaumont, he'll clean up the poop for us" they often say.

So coincidentally the other day as I was thinking about summer vacation and travel I happened to come across this article about using social media and airplane seating.  Instantly I got one of those "ah-ha" moments (read here).  You see airlines like KLM and Malaysian Air are now letting you pick the person you sit next to on those long plane rides.

You got to hand it to those Malaysians to come up with the really BIG ideas!   :)

It goes something like this, you "like" Malaysian Air then you can share your Facebook profile and then other people who "like" Malaysian Air can see your profile and then you can decide if you want to sit next to one another.  Sort of like "friending" but at 30,000 feet and for only up to an 2 to 8 hour flight.

What a great idea and just in time for our summer travel season!

OK, so that sounds great in theory; kind of like socialism - let's all just share.  But I know me and when I'm flying I just want an aisle seat and for the person next to me to shut the *uck up and let me read or do the SWA crossword puzzle.  So I'm not really going to care if you crochet, graduated from Cow State U in '75, or have photos of your idiot nephew on your Facebook page.  What I need is REAL "free market" style info that might make me more interested in my "seat-mate" than just snoozing through the flight.

So let's ditch Facebook and bring in a real free market "gunslinger" to run this Social Media service for those airlines.  Someone who can deliver just what we need.  In the immortal words of Ryan Bingham (George Clooney's character in Up in the Air) "I'm like my mom, I discriminate; it's faster."

So I am proposing that Malaysian Air scrap the Facebook plan and go with Ashley Madison to run their "matching" site and deliver what we are REALLY looking for.  I can see it now.

Malaysian Airlines Meet 'n Seat
Powered by Ashley Madison

Flights are Short; Make 'em Worth it!

The Ryanator
"Can You Take Me High Enough"

Age:                                 45
Home Airport:                  IAD
Height:                              6'
Weight:                             175#
Limits:                               Less Talky More Sucky
Status:                               Stand By
Gender:                             Male
Ethnicity:                          White w/a tan
Drinking Habits:               Coffee before 4 pm; then Rolling Rock

Preferences and Encounters I am Open to:

Hey, don't worry, that won't be an underwear bomb I'm trying to detonate.  I'm just playing with myself!  In fact since I'm 45 and not flexible enough for the mile high club in the bathroom; how about a hand job and a 7 and 7.

But lay-off the footsie stuff, I like my leg room!

What Really Turns Me On:

I usually like women with big tits but if we're in coach plz be C cup or smaller!  And yes I'm a Dom so get you're arm off the rest, I like 'em both and no I'm not going to turn down the air!!!  Oh and if you're not eating those peanuts, I'll take them.

I want to look deeply into your eyes and read your soul!  That is if you can suck a golf ball through a garden hose!  Otherwise I'll stick to my Kindle; gotta get through Mockingjay before my daughter!  :)  

What I Am Looking For:

I'm not in the mile high club, I've never had a 3-some, and I don't have an Asian girl on my portfolio so let's do it with one of those Stewardesses on the back jumpseat!

My real name in that pilot talk is (Bravo) (Echo) (Alfa) (Uniform) (Mike) (Oscar) (November) (Tango); I just love talking that pilot talk!  Btw, how about we share a vector to the Airport Holiday Inn; they have the best free breakfast in town.  Love those Cinnamon rolls (and the shampoo)!

Member Feedback:

Talks More Than Expected:     3
Spills Drinks:                            4
Shares Peanuts:                         0
Shares Drink Coupons             0
Better in Person:                       0
Snores When Napping:            1
To Much Electronics:               3
Drools While Sleeping             5

Btw, I'm trying to figure out a way to get Ashley Madison to partner with Pinterest because that is apparently where all the chicks are.  Anybody got any ideas???    :)


Liam said...

Absolutely brilliant, Ryan. Where do I sign up?

WestsideTori said...

LOL LOL this is inspired and soo funny! Member Feedback cracked me up. Love your self-deprecating humor. Yep, I'd fly anywhere with you, Ryan, even if I have to take the middle seat.

Red Shoes said...


With what is going to have to be a long flight to Germany coming up soon, I SO appreciate this article!!

I also appreciated the tip of the hat to The Boxtops and 'The Letter!'


SunshineGirl0369 said...

Great post Ryan - it even made me laugh reading it for the second time! :)

Same sassy girl said...

Wow! You are so clever. And funny! Adored the feedback section! Ha ha! This idea might get me over my dislike of flying. Thanks!

Gertie said...

Loved this blog it just cemented that you are really one of my favorite bloggers because of your ingenious creativity.

Can't wait for your pinterest follow up blog, in the interim if you need an invite to the Ladies Laden Forum let me know. :)

Kat said...

Very funny. I particularly like the member feedback. Drools while sleeping, huh? ;-)

Petal said...

Love it! So wish AM would offer that matching service. I often do AKL to HK...11 hours Ryan, we could have some fun! :)

Petal said...

Love it! So wish AM would offer that matching service. I often do AKL to HK...11 hours Ryan, we could have some fun! :)

Petal said...

Love it! So wish AM would offer that matching service. I often do AKL to HK...11 hours Ryan, we could have some fun! :)

Petal said...

Love it! So wish AM would offer that matching service. I often do AKL to HK...11 hours Ryan, we could have some fun! :)

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Liam - I guess I need to contact Mr Biderman to try to initiate this deal

@ Tori - Wow, middle seat that sort of sounds like I would be making you sleep in the wet spot! :)

@ Shoes - I think KLM is doing this also; you should ride them to Germany. Btw, KLM always seems to have the hottest stewardesses when I'm walking around IAD.

@ Sassy - Flying is great; you just got to get over it. I'm at the point now where I am often snoozing by takeoff! I actually like the back; the engines put me to sleep.

@ Gertie - So it's true all the chicks really are on Pinterest!

@ Kat - guess I let the "Kat" out of the bag on that!

@ Petal - Let me know when you're flying into DC!

@ Sunshine - thanks for your help!

Elle said...

This is foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india november golf funny!

Seriously, brilliant! My holidays are coming up soon. So where are we headed?

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