Monday, November 5, 2012

Ashley Shrugged (a political thrilla in vanilla)

Sex with a Public Figure

Author's Note:  I have to admit I have never had sex with a politician, famous person, or public figure.  I thought about doing a post about the top 10 actresses I'd like to nail; sort of like a "free pass" post like some couples do.  You know, "honey, you won't count it against me if I ever have a chance to have sex with Jennifer Connelly, right?"  My wife's former boyfriend had some minor success with a rock band but I've already written about her having sex with another guy; I don't want to walk down that road again.  So I'm left with a fantasy post.  And since all those Ryan disciples (Paul that is) seem to be diggin' this chick named Ayn Rand, here is my tribute (or spoof) to that other Ryan guy - I'll let you decide (that sounds so Fox News).
And if you are not the silly no-life political wonk that I am you might want to consult wiki so you know what the hell I'm talking about - click here for Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged link.  It's what all the cool Objectivist Capitalist are reading!   :)
I.    Prologue

In the dystopian years after the great collapse sexual freedom became strained by a glut of bad sex. The "free love" baby boom generation had imported their "Collectivist" idylls on society.  Because everyone felt entitled to screw, great sex was thought to be pedantic and elitist.  The National Legislature deemed kinky and craza' as treasonous.  "To make the collective feel self-conscious by engaging in overly energetic fornication is anathema; to throw sexual creativity in the face of those that don't know how to hump, to do that which they should be entitled to do for free is against our nation and causes friction throughout the Collective," stated the National Leader Harmonious Reed.

Ahhh, Elle! You finally 'tooned me!
But out of the depths of despair and agonizingly boring sex rose two extraordinary individuals that took *uckin' to a new level.  They would not be bound by the Collectivist intent on bad sex, they would not be held to only missionary, only 1 orgasm, only 15 minutes per screw.  No, they chose to break boundaries and lead the new elite masses along a social networking path to sexual freedom.  Soon shackles would be broken and inspired by their heroin Kat, all would be asking the question
 "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"  And how do I sign onto Ashley Shrugged!

II.     Characters (as themselves mostly)

Ryan Beaumont - A distant hero, a cerebral blend of Ron Burgundy and Kenny Powers
Kat - Our heroine
JJ - Kat's love
Cara - A friend
Sassy - A compatriot
Misty - A disciple
Pony - Leader of the Canadian monogamous sub-movement
Elle - A Titan of the Blogging Industry
Riff - An ancient mythical leader now a totemistic Icon

III.     The Story

Scene I (an Urban Street Corner Bar)

Elle gulped down the last swig of her wine, slammed a $50 on the table and got up from her bar stool.  She muttered, "I don't know why I come across the border anymore; nothing is alive down here that I can see."

Her friend sitting next to her muttered with a smile, "Oh Elle, stay a bit longer!  Surely some handsome lad will come along, maybe another Ken Doll for you!"

Elle rolled her eyes and shot back, "What does it matter, now that the National Legislature added multiple positions regulations who really cares.  I've had too much wine and I was never into drunk sex anyway.  Of course, they've probably outlawed that too."

Elle pushed her way through the crowd, out the door, and began walking down the street at a quick pace.  At the corner she stopped and looked down the empty street.  She thought to herself that this once was a bustling town where a young girl could meet an eligible bachelor any day of the week.  But where were those guys now?  De-horned by the National Legislature - lust is gone; and a girl's soul is lost.  She sighed, adjusted her coat and moved forward.  She turned the corner toward her flat, the place she stayed when she was "in town."

A few steps from her stoop the wind picked up suddenly, spreading a chill across her beautiful and elegant body.  Just as she shivered she glanced to her left and was startled by the image of a man leaning against a lamppost just across the street. 

In shadows he waits
He started approaching her!  She reached into her pocketbook fumbling for her mace and told the shadowy figure to come no further. 

The figure did not heed her warning but stopped just short of her.  He was but a few feet from her now but the shadow from the light behind his cap betrayed that image of the face underneath and behind that shadow.

Elle clutched her mace but was frozen.  She started to renew her warning but the figure cut her off.

"Do you feel it is wrong to have a lust for life, to feel the passion that is innately in our souls?  How can a government tell us we cannot feel so that others may be content and not feel left behind with mediocre sex?"

Elle thought a moment, she was confused.  She shivered again and then found the breath to whisper, "Who are you?"

The figure replied quickly.

"Who is Ryan Beaumont?"

Scene II (In New Calitopia)
Cara pushed through the door brusquely, drove through the house at a rapid pace, and pitched her purse onto the kitchen table and stammered, "This is too much."
Cara's friend, Kat, hustling behind her replied, "What's on your mind sweetie, do tell."
Cara now pouring a glass from her now empty bottle of Pinot said, "It's only the 10th and I'm already out of sex credits for the month, how does a girl live in this world anymore.  And I can't remember the last time I've felt a tongue between my legs."

Cara looked down at her IPhone, thumbing through screens.  A look of despair broke across her face, "Oh my Kat, Elle just took down her blog - she just left a weird question, what does this mean, who is..."
Kat cut her off and quickly replied, "I know honey, these new sex regulations are killing our spirit.  But you know I think I may have a solution.  Oh wait!  No!  I really shouldn't.  Well you do know the question, it's right there in Elle's message."
"Yes Kat," Cara said with desperation.  "I need to know there is some hope, what are you talking about?"
Kat said, "I shouldn't be talking about this but since Elle brought it up, I just have to ask the same question?"

"But where do you think she went?" Asked Cara.

Kat thought pensively a moment and then said, "I really don't know, perhaps the same place all the other sex bloggers have gone Riff, Mrs. I, Holly; one by one they are all going, leaving this horrible glut of bad sex.  The National Legislature says that good sex means unfair competition for the human species but I say what makes our species great is the pursuit of exhilarating, toe tickling, orgasmic sex.  You can't place regulations on orgasms; it's a human need.  It is what advances us and makes us alive."

Cara pressed her finger to Kat's lips as if to stop the scandalous words she was saying.  "Those statements could get you in trouble Kat!  You know you shouldn't be speaking of Riff," she said.

Kat stepped back, she was in a full 'Kat mood now.'  "Riff was our guidepost, he was a lighthouse in the storm of this sex-starved world.  And they drove him down.  If we can't morn that then what is there to morn."

Cara bit her lips and said "perhaps we should be asking these questions."

As if on cue they both exclaimed in tandem,

"Who is Ryan Beaumont?"
Scene III (Outside a NASCAR track)
"Oh my god, I didn't know you could do that on a trampoline; where did you learn that!" Misty exclaimed.
"THIS is what it is supposed to feel like my dear!  Doesn't it feel good to feel alive?  Now let me rub some Crisco onto your back.  Give me 10 more minutes and I'll slip right in from behind, just like a corn-dog at Bristol, my darlin,'" the dark stranger said.
Puzzled and stumbling on her words Misty said, "But we already went 5 minutes beyond our approved sexual intercourse time - we might be fined."
The stranger rose up in righteous anger, "This is what we have become from the Collective, a people bound and shackled to mediocrity.  Sex is for the bold and the self-reliant.  We can't be bound to the stagnant stale sex where the Collective wishes us to remain.  Creativity is born from Independence; Independence spawns attraction, and attraction drives us to lust and some craza' humpin!'"
"Oh dark stranger who are you?  I must know," exclaimed Misty!
"Who am I?" The stranger asked back.  "Do we really know who we are?  I don't want you to know who I am but I do want you to ask the question, the question everyone should be asking."

Who is Ryan Beaumont!"
"I will, I will; but how do I find him?" Misty asked bewildered.
The stranger responded, "You will never find him, but you must find the movement.  Look for it here (as he handed her a card).  'It' is a place but really an aspiration, a place of freedom, creativity, and the spirit of what was once ours but now lost."
The stranger turned and walked away.  Misty started to follow but then remembered the card and glanced at it.
Who is Ryan Beaumont?
Seek freedom here
Misty looked up from the card but the dark stranger was gone.
Scene IV (at the Canadian enclave)
Pony looked at the gleam of his computer and smiled.  He thought out loud, "Ah Kat it's always so good to hear from her."
Kat's note was particularly bright today.  She had just been with JJ all day and was feeling very good and was telling Pony about her escapades.  But Pony thought to himselt, "All day long?  On the beach and later in the hotel room?  In the shower?  In front of the mirror?  On the balcony?  Dipped in Velveeta Cheese?  Kat you have broken more of those silly National Legislature regulations than I care to count!  Glad us sane people up here voted out the Canadian Collective last year, those Puritanical idiots down south are crazy!"

Pony was also puzzled by the Ashley thing Kat was talking about.  "An on-line Sexual Objectivist movement?"  Pony thought it sounded interesting but he was glad he lived where he did.

And what is this about, "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"

Pony replied to Kat,

"Dearest Kat, we Canadians already live strong and free.  This Ashley thing on the www and this Ryan dude sound interesting but those of us who live north and among the Maple trees have come to understand that you can have great and energetic sex with one person.  You can achieve the best Objectivism (monogamous Objectivism) through loving your one true soul mate.   But I wish you well in your endeavors!"

The next day Kat replied to Pony,

"Dear Pony, see even though I hate hockey this is why I always pull against those damn Cannucks!  You guys up there are so 'goody goody.'  OK so I love my hubby as well and I love In-N-Out Burger too.  But I don't want to only eat hamburgers every meal, every day for the rest of my life.  But I do like you so I won't think ill of you.  How is life North of the border these days, did you see how well my Giants are doing......"

Ah that crazy Kat, Pony thought to himself.  She does make for interesting reading!

Scene V (a baseball game)

Sassy's phone buzzed.  She glanced down and immediately typed in her password.  It's a note from Kat she thought to herself, ignoring the fact that the dreaded 'All Soft' was at the plate for the dreaded New Harmony Yellow Stripes.

What is this question Kat is asking?  "Who is....

Sassy looked up with disgust, All Soft just wiffed at strike 12.  "My god these games never end since the National Legislature said it was bad for the Collective self image to have heroes strike out.  Sassy thought to herself, "Poor All Soft, made to change his name from Rod because the name sounded too phallic.  And New Harmony Yellow Stripes just doesn't engender the same fear as those New York Yankees of years gone by.  'Ah the old days'" she said out loud to herself.

Sassy sat back and remembered that time when she and her Phillip screwed behind the third base pretzel stand. "Oh my Philip," she thought; "Wasn't it Divine the way he buttered me and tied me into a pretzel.  Oh how that used to feel!  They'd never let us do that now, now that Harmonius Reed and those Collectivists have the power, makes a girl cry out just to get fondled!"

Sassy's phone buzzed again.  Oh, all that reminiscing and I forgot about Kat.

The text said "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"

Sassy typed back, "What do you mean, dear Kat?"

Kat replied, "Do you wish for the days when a man and a woman could create the lust that drove the engines of our livelihoods; do you wish to scream out in erotic independence?  If you do be ready to respond when asked that question.  I will be in touch with you and let you know your path to sexual freedom."

Oh that Kat has spent too much time in Calitopia, thought Sassy.  She got up, it was the end of the 6th inning and she didn't want to wait for that '7th inning hugs' bathroom line.  She walked onto the concourse and looked at that Pretzel stand and remembered.

Just then an image stepped out from behind that column just behind the stand.  It was a dark shadowy figure apparently munching on a pretzel.  The figure motioned for her to come over.  She hesitated but was drawn as if by gravity and then an overwhelming inertia.  The figure disappeared onto an elevator to the old Corporate Skyboxes.  The bell rang and the door began to close.  Sassy ran and lurched forward almost diving into the elevator.  She gasped for breath and looked up and saw him!

Scene VI (Kat's Underground Compound - seeking an east coast foothold)

"We are growing strong but we must develop a pathway to the east," Kat said to the group.  "We must find a compatriot."

"Where does HE think we can find this compatriot?"  Asked a young woman from the group. 

Kat replied, "He has been spreading his message in the Midwest and is now working east.  In fact he told me he just spread his message to some Super Hot lady at a NASCAR track just yesterday, that sly handsome devil!  But now he seeks a high spirited lady in the East, one who longs for the past and who will spread our movement's legs wide open from coast to coast, penetrating deep and hard until all scream with our passion!  He has found her this very evening tonight at a baseball game.  He will show her the past and then bring her to us and to our future.  Well, knowing him he'll have his way with her first.  But, united we cannot fail!  Together we will break the unseen shackles of mediocre sex and replace them with..., well real shackles, and whips, and chains, and leather, and a feather, and...  Oh sorry, I got away from myself - JJ get over here!  Excuse us."  Kat said looking back to the crowd as she and JJ retreated to her secret Kat lair.

The passion of the moment had gotten to her and she needed JJ now in the worst kind of way.

Within 10 minutes "Who is Ryan Beaumont" or anyone else for that matter was the last thing on their mind!

Scene VII (the Corporate Skybox - the link to the past)

The door closed behind Sassy.  Her heart was racing and her vision blurred.  The shadowy figure was now before her only a few feet away in the small elevator as it began to climb.  Her vision began to come into focus but she could not make out his face as it was blurred beneath the shadow formed by the brow of his cap.

"Who are you, where are you taking me?" Sassy exclaimed.

"Taking you?" the shadowy man said.

"I don't take people, I liberate them!"

"Are you Ryan Beaumont?" Sassy asked.

The man hesitated and then slowly replied "I don't answer questions, I reveal possibilities.  Let me show you a place where possibility once thrived."

The elevator stopped with a lurch.  The bell rang and the door slowly opened to a room overlooking the field.  It was adorned with opulence Sassy could scarcely comprehend.

"What is this place?" Sassy exclaimed

The man walked ahead of her to the window and removed his hat and still hidden in a shadow began to speak.

"This is a place where Titans used to screw.  Here the elite played.  Champagne was uncorked, business deals were made, and then doors were closed.  And behind those doors things were done that have long been forgotten in this Collectivist world.

Sassy, bewildered said, "Can we ever return to that world?"

The shadowy figure finally stepped forward into the light.  "Ryan Beaumont is not a man but a pathway to that world.  Inspired by an ancient tail-chasin' leader Riff, he once wrote a blog about adventures.  Those adventures can happen again, but only if you dare."

"I do, I dare; tell me of this place!"  Sassy cried.

The man ushered Sassy to a computer and said, "Type in AshleyShrugged."  Sassy looked at the screen in bewilderment.  It was some type of site with pages of men and women talking about sex, how scandalous.  "Does the Legislature know about this?"  She asked.  She continued to click rapidly through all of the profiles, all talking about what they wanted to do, the passions they wished to share.  They all seemed to be from that crazy Calitopia and many seemed to be asking that same question she had heard - "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"

But they also mentioned a lady or rather a mysterious sexual leader.  They called her Kat and mentioned her as the "Boudica of the booty!"

What was this strange movement, Sassy thought.  She did wish to meet this movement and particularly the illustrious Kat-woman she had just recently come to know!

The man began talking again, "We have a friend in the west that is only now organizing the sexual elite.  She needs a link to the east, she needs you Sassy."

The man stepped out of the shadows as he reached into his pocket.  He pulled out a ticket and handed it to Sassy.  It was a plane ticket from Logan to LAX.

What is this for, "Sassy asked."

"This is your path to the west, go there and meet the resistance and bring the movement back east," the man said.

Sassy, now bristling stated, "I am ready, I want to go now."

For the first time Sassy saw a small expression on the man's face as a brief smile broke across his face.  "Soon enough Sassy, but first let's see what we have been missing."  He motioned her to follow and she did.

Scene VIII (the Old Sunset Strip)

Walking toward baggage claim Sassy saw a tall, dark, and handsome man holding a sign with her name on it.  She was surprise, she didn't know anyone out here.  But THE man (back East) did tell her friends would be waiting.  Perhaps this was the friend he spoke of.

Sassy walked up to the gentleman with the sign.

He smiled at her and whispered, "Who is Ryan Beaumont?"

Sassy smiled and said, "I must be at the right place."

The man embraced Sassy in a hug and said, "I am JJ, Kat is waiting for you.  She is so excited to meet you."

JJ drove her out of the airport and through the hills toward Old Hollywood.  He turned onto the Sunset Strip.

Sassy thought to herself, "Oh the debauchery that must have happened here.  I remember reading of Riff's old escapades, I wonder which paths his special travels took him around these city blocks.  But oh how it is all faded now, just a broken down remnant of a memory of thrilling sexual escapades!"

The thought brought a tear to Sassy's eyes.

Just then JJ pulled the car into an abandoned parking garage.  They drove to the bottom level.  JJ ushered her out and then pushed through a door which led to a tunnel.  Sassy followed him, as strange as this trip seemed she felt safe, as if she was visiting long lost family.

Finally they burst through a door and were welcomed into a comfy looking room.  Sassy looked across the room. In an instance she saw her, it was her - it could only be her; her flaming red locks told the tale.

Kat walked up to Sassy arms extended and embraced her in a genuine hug of caring.  She then motioned Sassy to follow her to a couch in the corner of the room

Once seated Kat immediately exclaimed with a wry smile, "Come now Sassy tell me of your time with him, I assume it was enriching!"

Confused Sassy replied "What ever do you mean Kat?"

"Oh Sassy, you know what I mean.  What was he like behind closed doors!"  Kat asked.

"Oh Kat, you must know I am very demure; it is hard for me to speak of such things.  But I will say that in the skybox I enjoyed the 'surf and turf,' Ryan style that is.  Oh his fillet was indeed delish dipped in the lobster bisque!  These lady fingers were all over his trifle.  And oh how he buttered both sides of this honey bun!"

"That reminds me of my time with him on the cliff's above Monterrey Bay," replied Kat.  "We went there to watch the whales, but before the day was over what a whale I found between my legs; such ecstasy!"

But now, let me tell you how you can help the movement and bring Ashley Shrugged throughout this poor nation and insure everyone is asking...
Who is Ryan Beaumont?

Scene IX (the climax)

But just as Kat started to tell Sassy of her plans for the movement there was a large crash heard at the door.  Men in black uniforms and helmets came bursting through.  Behind them a man in a large black judge's robe strolled in purposefully.  He was very tall and thin with piercing blue eyes and a solemn but judicious demeanor and expression across his face.

The man in the black robe continued into the room until he stood before Kat.  He looked down at Kat now in righteous judgement.  "You are Kat, I presume?"  He asked with disdain.

Kat stood up, afraid but brave enough to meet her fate.  "I am," She replied.

"I am Harmonius Reed and in the name of the Collective and the National Legislature you and this smutty collection of your slutty consorts is under arrest!"  His expression now changed to one of evil contentment.

Kat undaunted posed this, "You are quite good Mr. Reed, indeed a strong, bold, and attractive man; and I do like a man that is smart and confident!  However did you find us you clever, clever man?"

Reed snarling at Kat now said, "I don't owe you anything but a chastity belt!"

Kat smiling devilishly now purringly replied, "Oh but my dear Harmy I need to know, I want to know what genius delves inside that beautiful brain underneath those gorgeous flocks of wise grey mane on that beautiful and noble head of your.  I bet their is quite a fire down below and inside that robe of yours.  I do like a man who knows what he wants so do take me but oh my do be gentle.  And do let a shy sweet girl know how you have come to discover our little group."

"Oh OK, if you must know Kat, it was Beaumont; we found him.  We trailed him from the Ben's Chili Bowl concession stand at the Nationals Park back to his hideout.  Apparently his other passion in life is bringing Red, Hot, and Blue BBQ back to Nationals Park.  Once we caught him we were able to get his computer.  We knew it was his computer because of the BBQ fingerprints all over the keypad and the jug of Chick-fil-A sweet tea sitting to the side.  Once we had the computer we found out about this Ashley Shrugged movement and tracked IP address to this disreputable slut asylum."

Kat, now with a tear rolling down her face, "OH my poor dear Ryan.  I knew chasing all those rich MILF's in Georgetown and McLean might get to him one day but I never guessed that his addiction to BBQ and Sweet Tea would be his downfall."  Kat fell to her knees below Harmonius Reed.

"And now Kat you and your horde must meet your fate!"  Exclaimed Reed.

"Perhaps not so fast my dear Mr. Reed."  Kat replied, those devilish baby blues now targeted on the Leader of the National Legislature like a torrid sexual laser.

"Mr. Reed, have those beauties inside your robe ever been inside a woman's mouth?  Would they like to reside in this woman's mouth just now."  Kat purred as she loosened the belt of Leader Reed.

Sassy now jumping in, "Oh dear Leader I bet you'd love to have a woman ride you like a wild Bronco and perhaps gently tickle than smart little ass of yours!"

"Ladies, ladies!"  Reed cried.  But it was too late!  In an Kat-quick instance, the ladies were upon him. 

Kat and Sassy were now undressing Leader Reed, working their magic like the fine sexual artisans they were.  He was putty in their hand...

(Two Hours Later)

"Oh dear ladies, you have shone me the light," Leader Reed exclaimed.

Kat replied, "Oh no dear Harmy you have shone us, my oh my even my best pretty young things are often not able to do it three times in one sexcapade!  Have you been getting some of that home grown Viagra I hear about that comes across the boarder from Old Mexico?"

"No, dear Kat," Reed smugly stated.  "That was 100% genuine organic me.  But you have shown me a glimpse of my distant past.  Oh I remember the night when I nailed half the tri-Delta's at Old Nevada U.  I remember their cries of joy 'oh harmy, harmy, harmy, can ya' help me, help me, help me.'  Yes those were the days when excellence could be defined in how we made each other feel.  Perhaps I was wrong, perhaps we should return to those days when men and women could feel good about making each other feel actualized through sizzling sensational sex.  You have brought me into the light.  We must return anew to those alluring days of old.  Kat, bring Ashley Shrugged to the masses so that they may have the opportunity to enjoy that which we have shared with one another."

Kat stood up with confidence, "I will Leader Reed, thank you for seeing that sex is something to be enjoyed not rationed!  I will take your message and HIS to our Nation.  One day soon all will be asking..."

"Who is Ryan Beaumont?"

"Ah yes my dear Kat, perhaps they will ask that; but they will take you as their hero and sing your praises through the ages." Replied Leader Reed.

Scene X (100 years from now in a park along the Bay)

Dedicated to Queen Kat circa 2016
"Who is that?" The young woman asked, pointing at the beautiful statue as she stepped forward from the group of students facing their professor and admiring the beautiful woman in stone.

"She is our patron saint," the professor said.  "She is the woman who led us out of the darkness.  Her passion broke down the barriers of bad sex and led to a new order of kinky.  Her philosophy of Erotic Objectivism drove our nation to the creativity we enjoy today.  She was our Warrior Queen of Kink, our Boudica of the booty that revolted against the Collectivist Roman Empire of bland and lifeless sex."

Another student added "She is so beautiful, the power of her sexuality drives me to want to excel to the highest levels of kinky, crazy glory."

"She was indeed a wonderful and beautiful woman," added the professor.

"Dr Nobel" asked another student.

"Who then was Ryan Beaumont?"

I think I'm hearing this song as the credits roll!  :)


Anonymous said...

Haha Love it!

Well done Ryan, that must have been a lot of work.

And if you think we Canadians are all goody goodies, you must have never visited Montreal. :)

Ryan Beaumont said...

Pony I've been to Montreal, great town! But I have to say Montreal is part of Canada the way New Orleans is part of the US. Those towns are on a completely different level! :)

Same sassy girl said...

Oh my... Ryan! The demure lady is blushing. The sassy girl is plotting a trip to eat local specialities! Well done!

Kat said...

Ryan- I *LOVE* this!