Over the past few months I've done a lot of reminiscing over past posts from the blog. I enjoy writing about many things. But perhaps this DC insider has the most fun when bringing fair and balanced commentary to big events that I am privy to here in this media capital that perhaps you in the field may have missed. Big time events such as Mexican rent-a-marriages, the adventures of Octomom, or the family endeavors of the Duggars may be looked over. Oh wait those are not the stories I see on Wolf Blitzer are they. Well, truth be told, I live out here in the suburbs; home to long commutes, Wegman's, and the culture one gets from Dancing with the Stars and the Turtle Man. But I do like to bring that DC media elite flavor to the stories I comment about.
My big news today is something I heard about a few weeks ago.
Martha Stewart has entered into the world of on-line dating!
Yes selling her special line of towels at J.C. Penny's, pots and pans at K-Mart, potpourri on Oprah.com, or aroma therapy pillows at Ikea is apparently not what she wants anymore! She wants to be out here among us riff raff and see what she's been missing.
And I just can't miss this chance.
So here is how I'd approach Martha if she was on Ashley Madison or I was an available 60-something bachelor on Match.com! This will be tough. I'm tempted to ask her how she likes Appalachia but I don't think her last trip was not so kind to her. But from her jail cell she probably did not get a good flavor for this part of the world so I want to bring it to her now.
You know I've been wanting to give y'all a taste of the Ryan Experience so here it is. I do have a similar concept on the back-burner. I created a faux Ryan account on AM some time ago and was going to invite my readers to read and wink at it in trade for a special message. Maybe this will tempt your interest.
Here are some notes from Martha's profile:
“So while I’m open to all kinds of people, and love to be surprised, here’s what I know I appreciate in a man: Someone who’s intelligent, established, and curious; and who relishes adventure and new experiences as much as I do. Someone who can teach me new things. A lover of animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors. Young at heart.”
And here is my letter to Martha:
Ah Yes Martha - the good life; we all aspire to that, don't we!
So yes Martha I'm so glad this really is you. And can you believe it, this is really me - Ryan Beaumont! I'm established and creative as only creativity could have attracted 113 followers to such a silly blog. You did say you wanted fun too, right! Well since we are both here let's create an alternative third place beyond home and career where we can enchant and beguile one another along wondrous exciting adventures that raise that heartbeat and stimulate the imagination! While I see your note on faith is "I'll tell you later," I'll tell you mine is sharing experience and hospitality and making others happy and fulfilled. Particularly all my furry friends who would love to meet you some day.
Yes, I see you are fun and adventurous. I'd offer to "Fly You to the Moon" but I'm not "Old Blue Eye's" so how about I offer you a quick plane ride down from ISP to IAD and we'll take an Appalachian Waltz in this Appalachian Spring. I have so much to show you.
With a brisk hike up to a scenic overlook we can view the intersection of two rivers and three states and view a historic town where the course of America pivoted. If you still have energy we may walk down to that town and glide above the trees. From their I can take you along country rodes to a quaint and historic boutique distillery where we can refresh ourselves with a Peach Bellini. If that only wets your thirst for our landscape we can continue down our beautiful vineyard trail and enjoy a delightful Ice Nebbiolo. Let's pair that with a hot and fresh baguette and some Raspberry Goat Cheese. Of course we are both "foodies" so after that we must enjoy the best of outer Beltway cuisine. In my mind I see us at a delightful restaurant converted from a historic mill and draped with our area's most beautiful Magnolias. We must enjoy the fresh heirloom Roma tomatoes in a wonderful Caprese Salad and maybe I can tempt you with one of my favorites shrimp and grits; they do it so well.
You might think me ADD but really I just have a great deal of energy and a lust for life. I like to stay on the go whether it's kayaking on the river or biking along the C&O.
But I can slow down enough to talk about literature or history. Perhaps we could compare ourselves to Holden Caulfield or imagine ourselves as Huck Finn. I enjoy being challenged and don't mind alternative points of view. And most of all I love to cook with or for someone special.
So there you go Martha, my adventurer, let's prepare a fine cuisine together - I can't wait to see what we come up with. True I'm Southern genteel to your NYC sophistication. But perhaps I can show you how to baste a Cornish game hen on a grille with a berry infused honey barbecue sauce and turn an Arnold Palmer into a John Daley and you can show me how to turn a average table into a showcase and together we can learn from one another and more importantly be young at heart.
And though I am not Old Blues Eyes nor can I "Take (You) to the Moon," surely we can "fill (our) hearts with song" and "swing forevermore..."
I hesitate to write this but extra admiration credit to anyone who can guess the locations I'm talking about. Trust me, I'm not outting myself because I don't live exactly in those places. Or do I, that might be a good red herring! :)