Thursday, April 12, 2012

No Money Could Save Him so He Laid Down and (Sploosh)!

OK I slurred the lyrics today.  A few weeks ago I quoted some Emerson, Lake, and Palmer lyrics for a Super Bowl food post.  At the end I mentioned their most famous song Lucky Man which is about some English nobleman that is apparently rich and good with the ladies.  The song starts by talking about him screwing all these hot noble chics in his feather bed and gold laced mattresses.  Sounds like a wonderful life until he goes off to war and gets killed for king and country.  Such a waste!

Well, I didn't decide to go off to war and get killed.  Let's face it, if I did how could I be writing this?

So our big question to date was, is Ryan going to be a Lucky Man?

But first the other day I said things could still get strange.  I bet you thought I was messin' with ya' and all the strange stuff was over.  NOT!  Let's just see now how crazy and strange things can get!

Remember how I said that Sandee wanted to take me kayaking and I said that I should do something she wanted to do to show her how open I was to things she liked.  Well, the day of our kayaking date finally arrived.  And here is the tale of that fateful day.  I would say think about that ELP song as you read this but the theme song to Gilligan's Island may be more appropriate!  :)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip.  That started on this Potomac port abord a tiny kayak......

So first thing though - ladies raise your hands if you have ever had a guy make some suggestion because he was trying to show off that he knew something that he really didn't and it turned out to be a really stupid thing???  OK, now that all the ladies have their hands up let me get on with the story.

So on this particular Tuesday things were fairly slow at work in the afternoon and Shannon was out of town - the perfect recipe to get away.  Sandee wanted to go kayaking and I said yes.  She had told me of a place she usually goes that I did know of.  It was not too far away but a little further than I wished to drive.  I had a counter offer.  You see I have several friends who are fly fishermen and go to a particular spot on the river and it sounded so cool for me to say "hey Sandee lets go kayaking at Dam #2 we can drive right down to the river and shove off.  I'll park my van a little down river and drive us back to your van.  I'll even pack some more PBJ's."

Well what Ryan didn't take into consideration is that while a dam is a great place to fish and is also a great place to kayak if you know what you are doing, it ain't so great if you don't.  You see a dam stops the flow of water which means on the other side of the dam the water moves more quickly because of the pressure created by the dam (sorry more science, it always seems to get me in trouble).  For an experience kayaker this would be a more thrilling ride.  But for someone who is not experienced this is just not a good choice.

But I had commited to this and had even chosen the location so I had to "man-up" and go with it.  I surely didn't want step on my ego and admit stupidity!

So we shoved off!  And actually I made it out into the river and all was OK.  It was a gorgeous day and as we paddled down the river.

But a little further down the river we came upon an island.  Those islands also restrict the water thus creating pressure and thus creating white water which is not good for someone who doesn't know what they are doing.  Gliding past some rocks I got sideways and the rush of water started to push me where I didn't want to go.  I tried to reverse course but I overcompensated.

What happened next was like slow motion.  I slowly started to tip over.  I almost started to laugh, this was too funny.  It was almost like I was watching a movie of myself with one of those small cameras.

Over I went.  And then the shock..... COLD!!!!!!!

Jesus Christ it's 'effin November and I'm in the middle of the 'effin Potomac river and it's cold.  I flipped the kayak over but I quickly realized that I was not going to be able to get back in.  Sandee paddled over to try to help but there was no helping me now.  But it was OK, Ryan is a great swimmer I guess I'll just push this kayak to shore.

And then it hit me again - I am in the middle of the 'effin Potomac river, it's November, and it's cold.  Furthermore, great swimmer in a pool is one thing swimming in a river with a fast current is quite another.  I began to realize that there was now a quantifiable/non-neglible percentage chance that I would die.

How the fuck would I explain getting myself killed to Shannon!

Wait Ryan, don't be such an idiot why would you have to explain that to Shannon; you'd be dead.

It's because she is the type of woman who would find a way to raise me from the dead just so she could kill me herself!   :)

I floated down river a bit to get to a slower current.  I figured out that I could push the kayak ahead a few feet and then swim breaststroke up to it and then repeat.  And so that is what I did for the next 50 or so yards in the frigid Potomac.  The cold water was like a brick against my chest and I was certainly out of breath by shore.

Well I guess that's my workout for the day.  And no sex either I guess.  I wouldn't have pulled out my dick for anyone at that point.  Trust me after that frigid ordeal I was endowed like a Umpa Lumpa!   :)

That kind of looks like us!
So I finally got to land and we got back in our kayaks and shoved off again.  We thought about walking to a road and walking back to Sandee's car.   However, in case you didn't know the Potomac near DC may seem like it's in the big city but in fact there is some very dense forest and sheer cliffs as you go along.  Basically we were in the boonies as I heard banjos in my mind (but I was in no mood to "squeal like a pig!").  No choice but to move forward.

From this point forward there were no more rapids so we had no problems.  I dried out fairly quickly in the sun and was actually quite comfortable.  It was kind of funny and perhaps telling as to how things would move forward between us but we were both apologizing to one another profusely but also kind of laughing!

But then my next glaring error showed it's face.

You see river miles and road miles can be quite different.  Also, if you are not familiar with the Potomac it has some pretty big bends.  And those big bends can add a lot of river distance to a trip.  So even though you park your car (let's say) a few miles down the road.  It may take all day to get there by kayak.  So as the day moved on and we got past 4 pm I realized Sandee had a home deadline that was in grave jeopardy!

Finally something on our right side of the river began to look familiar.  We paddled to shore.  Luckily the good news was that it was a housing development that I was familiar with.  The bad news, we were still about 2 miles from my car and exhausted.

But luck did shine as I was able to flag down a nice man who agreed to take us to my car.

Once at my car we drove back to the kayaks and loaded them into my van and then drove to Sandee's van.

We survived!  I just wasn't sure what Sandee would think of me now???

I thought of me as a complete idiot!

Shannon's head would have exploded from anger over my actions had I been with her through such an ordeal.  Of course she would never be kayaking, she is more of a pleasure cruise gal.  But Sandee said she was surprised at how calm I was after all that happened.

I guess that is part of what makes this AM experience interesting; meeting people that don't react to things the same way your spouse does.  It's kind of hard to grasp after getting use to a particular reaction after 15+ years with a certain person and then experiencing a completely different reaction from another person you just met.

Oh well, as I got home that night I thought "this Sandee thing might have ended but I have one helluva a blog post now!"  But then again, I should probably have more faith in Sandee right!


Anonymous said...

Oompah Loompah, hysterical!!

Gertie said...

SandEe thing might have ended, huh? I'm sure there's more to come ans hopefully some of it's juicy. :) or at least wet in a non falloff your kayak way.

My real question is what happened to the PBJ's?

WestsideTori said...

Now in the movies, these wacky mishaps would have led to at least some kissing. Nothing????

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Gym Fun - glad you caught that! I love to consider the humorous side of a disaster!

@ GoGert - didn't get to the PBJ's, they were left in my car. As for SanDee - keep the faith my dear!

@ Westie - Uh, between the shame and embarrassment I guess I lost my alpha mentality. But perhaps next week we'll see if I get my mojo back!

Elle said...

Now this is my kind of story! I'm totally going to use it in my online dating tv sitcom that I talk about regularly but never do.

Kayaking is great. You falling in is hysterical! Thanks for writing about it!