Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Look at You - You're a Pageant, You're Everything - that I've Imagined

I didn't think I could do it.  I knew I wanted to do it.  I had always wanted to do it.  But could I do it?  Who else could do it?  Yes, I had to do it.  I knew I could do it.  So, I did it!

What did I do, you say?  Well let me tell you what I did!

So, it was a normal Saturday and I was at my desk goofing off as is the norm.  And what better way to goof off than spending some time on Ashley Madison.  So I logged on.  Took a dash through all the new gals within 20 miles, nothing interesting.  And then in a flash I remembered a challenge I set for myself long ago and now I was ready, ready to scale that huge mountain.  No time like the present!

But before I say what I did I want to take a page from "the Donald."  Today I am really, really proud of myself.  I want to congratulate myself, I have achieved something of great importance for our country!

So let's dispense with the drama!  What did I do!

I wrote Claire!  And better yet, she wrote back!

Yeah baby!  That Claire!  Riff Dog's Claire!

How did I find her?  Well, I would love to tell you but you know some things like International Espionage, the making of Spam, and missions such as finding Claire are things better left behind lock and key.  As they say in DC (you know I'm familiar with it) "those who say don't know and those who know don't say."  Let's just say it took all of my ingenuity.  My god now I am realizing what my potential might be if I used that ingenuity for the betterment of man.  Oh well, shake that off, this is way more important.

What I will provide you is a transcript of the dialogue.  So here goes:

my writing....
This really ain't Claire btw
Ryan:  Dear Claire, So here I sit at work with nothing to do and looking at your profile once again and knowing your an itch I just have to scratch.  And by itch I mean a good itch not one of those, you know, bad itches :)

So I love sex, but nothing kinky unless you consider tantric sex kinky (she checked each of those/seemed conflicted to me).  And I take a shower every morning so I am clean and disease free (she checked that as well)!

Oh and humor, I love it.  Have you ever heard of Riff Dog, he is my mentor - all my humor I get from him!

So am I a good fit?!?  Please take a look at my profile and let me know how I scored!  After all I am investing $2 hard earned dollars into this message so please give me a few of those 2,000 available characters back to moi!

But dear Claire I see nobody has given you any checks?  Perhaps Mr. Right has not stumbled upon you yet?

Take Care my dearest Claire, Sincerely, Ryan B

and a few days later....
Claire:  Oh Ryan, I love the picture of you flossing your teeth in front of the mirror - you are sooo clean and sooo disease free!  More than any other man I've seen!  And I've got just the itch for you.  Why I was just going out to get some Vagisil for a little problem I'm having but I think I'll just give it to you instead :)  Please take this private key and enjoy.  Til next time xoxo Claire

OK, so she really didn't say that :( - so here is Riff's transcript

Riff Dog:  Dude, why are you writin' from NOVA?  Isnt' that on the other side of the OC?  I don't hang with chics outside of West LA or Santa Monica unless they are some really bitchin' MILF from Huntington Beach or a sorority chic from Long Beach.  Oh wait, you did say you were a dude - hey I don't do dudes dude! Dude, if your into dudes you need to go to Laguna Beach, so surf on that way and don't shave my buzz!

OK, actually Riff didn't say that either, here is what he actually said:

Riff Dog:  Ha! So how many Claire's did you have to message to before you found mine?  In 3 years of writing the blog, you have the honor of being the first (and only) person to find her.  The only prize I have to offer is a private picture.  You're the first to get her key.

So as Donald said "I am very proud of myself!"  It's great to be first at something, and to think some people make such a fuss over little things like the first to climb Mt. Everest.  But here I know I have a first that is really worth something!  Yep, check that one off the old bucket list, Check!

Oh, and I gave her two checks for "worth the time" and "popular," sort of like planting my flag on the moon :)  Unfortunately good hygiene was not a checkable option.

So boys, she's out there - you just have to find her.  And if you do give her a wink for ole' Ryan!


France said...

Checking items off the to-do list is awesome. :)

Is it going anywhere though?

Claire said...

Sure, it was nice emailing, but why so hesitant to meet for drinks and then take it this a hotel room? Afraid I might have a . . . surprise???

Ryan Beaumont said...

Claire! Now this is an honor. And now that you are out you need to fire up that blog and get back to writing. It's apparent your buddy Riff isn't planning on writing anything or relevance anytime soon!

But seriously babe anytime you, me, Motel 6, a bucket of KFC, some PBR or maybe even a romantic drive to Bakersfield - anything you want xoxo :)