Monday, February 27, 2012

Yeah, said it's Alright

Or Prelude

I know what you guys are thinking out there.  These married guys really do lead fascinating lives!  :)

Wait, have you not watched any sitcoms or movies lately???  Married guys are the biggest target for humor, ridicule, sarcasm, etc.  No joke is bad when it involves a middle aged married guy.  There is no end to our doofishness!

But I digress, you say we have fascinating lives.  Well this chasing thing is complicated because in fact we are fairly busy at times.  You see there are 168 hours in a week (that's 7 days * 24/hours in a day).  Right off the bat the weekends are usually off the books so lets take 52 hours off right there (including 4 hours on Friday night).  Then you have to sleep at least 7 hours (if you're me) so that takes away another 35 hours.  Amazingly enough, in spite of what I write about, I do actually work so let's take off another 45 (sometimes it's more though).  We are now down to 36 hours.  Now, getting kids ready for school, driving to work, eating, the gym, watching sports, taking kids to soccer probably takes you down now to a measly 4 to 6 hours to invest in some hobby like chasing women on Ashley Madison.  And even then you have to synchronize that thin slice of time with a partner who is willing and you have to be able to get away.

Bottom line is a married guy is like my dog that is always trying to run outside without a leash!  You have to be quick and strike while the iron is hot!

So when a married guy is handed the opportunity to have a weekend by himself with no family; well that is an opportunity that really just happens once every several years.  Or never!

And that is just what I was now looking at (well not as in right now but last fall).  A family weekend getaway had been planned, a last chance to enjoy the beach before the long winter.  But something at work came up and married guy just couldn't go.  But married guy was a good husband and father and insisted that family go on said vacation and he would just suffer at home alone and toil at work.

But what to do with this opportunity.  Sandee looked so HOT in those pictures and she was so cool.  She obviously was into me; she even said I had a sexy voice after one of our now two phone conversations.  But we had not met.  She could be anybody.  Well, her cell phone did have the correct area code so I assumed she could be anyone in this XYZ area code.  But that didn't narrow things down too much.

Then again, it had really only been about two months since I had last seen Sandra; should I contact her?  Surely she would enjoy participating in the "fuck-fest" that I planned to have with this weekend of freedom!  Maybe I should get out on AM real quick and see if I can come up with a quick hook up.  Maybe I could find one of those ladies with 5 checks under "looks better in person!"  Which translate to I'm one of the ones that might actually have sex with you!

A lot to think about.  Seemed so much easier back in the day when all I had to think about was whether to go to Club Nitrogen or Skankies Bar and Grille on a Saturday night for some hot "shackin' up."

This was indeed a crossroads decision!  I started thinking about those poets who talk about "the road not taken..." and; hey wait Ryan your BS'ing again you don't read poetry!  OK, so I didn't know which way to go.

Well for once in my life I decided to go all in and not be pragmatic.  So I decided to try the saturation bombing method with Sandee.  I was not going to leave any room for error and I'm all about options so I sent this:

Dearest Pen Pal,

The old guilt/jealously ploy didn't go as planned so now I'm shifting over to sweet!  That is actually my normal rhelm :)  And am I not great about just being out front with all my strategery!  I am all about the candor!  But an obtuse guy like me is unfortunately no match for a smart girl like you with that rapier wit (and good grammer skills)!

You seem like your a girl whose dance card on the weekend fills up pretty quickly.  So I wanted to lay out some plans and get my name on that card early for next weekend!

And you can check off as many of these options as your wish!

First, Sunday is fine again but it would need to be a little later (say 1 pm).  Tennis is fine or even a bike ride along the river and I can take you out for a late lunch at this cheap Taco place I know of.    (     )

But we also are offering today these additional activities:

Friday - late dinner or drink around 8'ish (w/location du jour)  (   )
Saturday - Come up here around 2 pm and let's run away to Baltimore or Philly or anywhere - or just a bike ride if you wish - see I'm all about the a la carte options.     (    )
Monday - Hey, it's a day off for Ryan, is it a day off for Sandee and the world of bed pans?  If so, I'm your's for breakfast, lunch, tennis, biking, etc.    (    )

Don't you like the way I did the little check marks just like in middle school.  I almost put down I like you do you like me Yes (  ),  No (  ) - check one!   :)

So it would be Sandee or nothing for this weekend of opportunity.  Would I find success?


Gertie said...

This entire blog made me think of a new future blog post, about the guy from HR, I have to get to writing ASAP.
Can't wait to read what happens with SandEe* and I hope there is success for you in our reading future.

Kat said...

Nice post. I laughed at the thought of married men as dogs off the leash. My husband refers to me as a butterfly that is always trying to fly away. He says he needs a butterfly leash.

Elle said...

Ooo.... it's getting exciting now!!!

Sorry, I've been MIA... I have been reading, I've just been too sick and or lazy to comment.

Bad. Bad Elle!

Ryan Beaumont said...

@ Gertie - I love being in inspiration

@ Kat - Reading that made me think of that Ali quote "float like a butterfly; sting like a bee.." I guess for you it would be "fuck like a butterfly; suck like a ????? - rumble young maid rumble!"

@ Elle - hope you're feeling better soon; your bright sunny aura is needed in the blogging world!