Thursday, October 11, 2012

We Think We Have the Answers

Some Things Ain't Ever Gonna Change (change)

"My name's (Ryan), (Ryan Beaumont). Last week I turned 18 (45). I wasn't ready for it. I haven't done anything yet. So I made this deal with myself. This is the year I make my mark........"

psst.... he didn't really have a birthday, it's just dramatic affect!  :)

"But all I ever settled for is that we're born to live and then to die, and... we got to do it alone, each in his own way. And I guess that's why we got to love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow. 'Cause when you get right down to it - there isn't."

Vision Quest - A solitary vigil by an adolescent American Indian boy to seek spiritual power and learn through the a vision the identity of his unusual animal or bird guardian spirit.

psst.... he actually is 1/128 indian so he decided he could go on a vision quest....  :)

In my last Sandee post I revealed that after coming back from a family vacation she decided that she was not someone that was up to the affair game.  I have to admit I was pretty upset.  I had invested several months in this relationship and really did care about her.  She made me happy and now that was potentially gone.

But playing Devil's Advocate is always one of my strong suits and so I played that with myself (that didn't come out right).  OK, I looked inward and saw that while I had been kind and sweet and a good friend I knew Sandee was not someone looking for a sex buddy.  In my wisdom I had not made any promises because I didn't want to set unreasonable expectations.  But in not promising anything I gave Sandee no foothold, no reason to believe that we would be anything other than a weekly get together for a walk, kanoeing, wine tasting, or a hotel encounter.

Now I kind of felt like some middle-aged remake of Vision Quest or Say Anything.  As I sat there contemplating my next action I did get the sense that this was a seminal moment.  It was so easy to move on with Alecia, Sandra, and Keeley.  At this moment a part of me wanted to move on from Sandee, this was starting to become exhausting.  But who would I be if I moved on now.  Sure I pride myself on being considerate but in the end would I just be the guy that constantly looks for the next encounter?  Did I want to be "that" guy?

Of course life will always lead you down a certain path if you don't make definitive choices.  My path and solace right then was blogging.  I had decided to do something called Retro-Summer and I had been having a lot of fun thinking about the girls from my past that I might write about.

So I took a deep breath and wrote this to Sandee.

Hey Sandee,

I think that is the most you have ever written. Thanks, it really lets me know where you are.

I think all along I have known that a relationship with you could never just be casual. That is not who you are and since I like who you are I can't expect to make you want it to just be casual.

I think what I have stressed over is if I need to go ahead and make a change in my life to create a space for you. If I have any regrets it's that I have not tried to do that. I am not someone who says things carelessly. I don't promise what I can't deliver and that is why you have not heard any promises from me. I don't want to say I have certain feelings for you and then not live up to that commitment. That being said I do care for you deeply.

I don't think badly about you at all, we are all just trying to cope the best way possible. And you did not put my life in danger; I'm an awesome swimmer!

Hey I can't write this type of note without a YouTube clip. This is one of my favorite songs performed by a group I used to see in college (I think they are from Chapel Hill).

I am sure I'll have more thoughts later, this is the best I can do for now. I do want you to see you here and there if you wish.  Perhaps in our 60's when we retire we can reignite the flame! Or sooner if fate chooses, who knows.
But again, thanks for taking the time to put down your thoughts.
Take Care, R
Sandee's response was this.....
Aw Ryan ... you are always so sweet and considerate.
BTW: I don't think any female can ever do the "casual thing". We're just not wired to compartmentalize like you dudes, so play nice with your next lucky date! (I'm only teasing. I know you're always the perfect gentleman :)
So.... Call me when your 60?? :)

Oh well, maybe I should be more like Lloyd Dobbler and prescribe to his adage:

"You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise."

Of course I kept blogging.  In fact in blogging I started thinking about some of those old flames.  Of the girls I would write about over the summer I was actually Facebook friends with 3 and knew the whereabouts of two others.  This got me to thinking about the other girls and where they were and what they might be doing.  Curiosity always gets to Ryan so I looked them up on Facebook.

Oh, and the next day I took a peak at Ashley Madison.  Other things were starting to move fast in my life as well.

And so it was that over those mid-summer weeks I got reconnected with some old flames from my past and life took some new paths or did it really just come full circle?

I guess that is what a Vision Quest is all about, right?  I wonder which animal I'll be?   :)

1 comment:

Ms. B said...

I'm not sure why this made me sad, but it did. It's as though you broke up but were never really together so that really doesn't apply? Or maybe it does. I;m sure you will find someone else to entertain you while you move on.